The Magic Misfits

by Neil Patrick Harris

“Don’t act like you care about me,” Bosso said scathingly to Vernon. “We haven’t been friends in thirty years.”

  “I disagree,” Mr. Vernon said. “Don’t you remember the old pledge? I still believe every word. As we said in the Emerald Ring: ‘The magic of true friends is that even apart, they can’t long be cut off from what lives in the heart.’”

  “Don’t spout that nonsense at me. That was a lifetime ago!” Bosso growled.

  “I still consider you a friend, Bobby, even if an estranged one.”

  “It wasn’t just years that separated us,” Bosso chuckled. “You always were a sentimental fool. No wonder you stayed in this wretched town.”

  “If it’s so terrible, then why return?”

  “Isn’t it obvious? The Star of Africa was en route to New York City as part of its multicity tour. I could never have stolen the diamond there. But in this half-wit town, paying off all the right people was easy. As soon as I have that diamond, I’ll retire. It’s worth millions. I’ll never have to work again.”

  “Don’t do it, Bobby,” Mr. Vernon pleaded. “Cancel the show. We’ll go get a sundae at the ice-cream parlor like we did when we were kids. It’s not too late. You haven’t done anything wrong yet.”

  “No, not yet,” Bosso said with a cruel smile. He snapped his fingers. “But I’m about to.”

  The Walrus and the Spider-Lady jumped out from behind the curtain. The six-armed woman hit Vernon on the head with a slim silver baton, and the Walrus threw a giant canvas sack over him. “Get him ready,” Bosso said. “He can take the fall for us.”

  Leila grabbed her mouth to stop herself from screaming. Carter reached over, took her other hand, and squeezed. He wanted to say, Everything’s going to be okay, but he didn’t want to lie.

  EIGHTEEN

  Carter and Leila scrambled down the ladder backstage. They met the others in an old prop room that Bosso and his carnival crew weren’t using. “What’s wrong?” Ridley asked as soon as she saw the tears in Leila’s eyes.

  “Bosso has Mr. Vernon,” Carter said.

  “What?!” Olly and Izzy said at the same time.

  “I think Bosso is going to frame him,” Leila guessed, hugging Ridley. “They’re going to make it look like my dad stole the diamond.”

  “What do we do?” Theo asked.

  Carter thought hard before saying, “We stick to the plan.”

  “Forget the plan, Carter—we have to rescue Mr. Vernon!” Ridley snapped.

  “We can do both,” Carter said, a glimmer in his eye. “Remember what the carnival psychic, Madame Helga, said? If you work together and stay true to one another, nothing will bar you. If we stick to the plan, we can prove Bosso is the thief, and Mr. Vernon goes free. It’s the best way. You’re going to have to trust me on this.”

  The misfits were hiding backstage when Bosso’s show began. The Pock-Pickets opened with the same song and dance to introduce Bosso, who then transformed roses into dandelions. “It’s the exact same show he performed at the big top,” Ridley noted. “No points for originality here.”

  Bosso went through his entire routine with gusto.

  “Such a wonderful crowd!” Bosso cheered, his crooked smile the only indication that he might be hiding something. “I have shown you wonders, but it is time for something else to razzle and dazzle you. I would like to introduce you to the real star of the show… the world’s largest diamond: the Star of Africa!”

  Four security guards came out with a black metal box the size of an adult man’s fist. They set it on a table next to a glass podium rising several feet over the stage. When they opened the box, an “Ooooooh” ran through the massive audience.

  Gently, Bosso picked up the diamond. A darkness twinkled in his eye.

  Carter recognized the look. It was pure greed.

  Misdirection was at play here, but Carter wasn’t sure which direction he should be looking. He noticed the glass podium rising several feet over the stage—there was a mechanism in it that would make the diamond vanish. It was all explained in the book Mr. Vernon had given him.

  “Found in 1905, the Cullinan Diamond was presented to King Edward VII of Great Britain on his sixty-sixth birthday,” Bosso said as he placed the beautiful sparkling gem on the glass podium. “It was cut into several diamonds, the largest of which is here before you: the Great Star of Africa. As you can see, there is nothing quite like it. It is beyond beauty and beyond value. It is my humble honor to include it in my show today.”

  The audience clapped, ready for more. “What are you going to do?” a man hollered from the middle of the audience. Carter looked over and realized that the man was Bosso’s own security guard, only he wasn’t wearing his creepy clown makeup anymore.

  “Why, make the diamond disappear, of course!” Bosso said. The security guards seemed suddenly alarmed. “Don’t worry, don’t worry! I’ll put it back!”

  Everyone laughed—everyone except the misfits.

  “Now, I’d like everyone in the audience to keep their eyes on the Star of Africa,” Bosso said. “Don’t look away. Focus, focus, focus…”

  Bosso pulled out a purple sheet and threw it over the diamond. Only for a second. He pulled the sheet back and the diamond was gone.

  “Where is it?” Bosso smiled. “Why, all around you, of course! Look up and see the diamond dust.” Silver glitter sprinkled down over the audience.

  “Now, as much as I would like you all to keep it—HA!—I suppose I must bring it back.…” Bosso rubbed his hands together. “Count with me, friends. On the count of three. One… two… three!”

  There was a blast of flame and smoke from the podium, and the diamond appeared again, a spotlight striking it. Rainbow reflections exploded across the stage. The audience gasped and then broke into another thunderous round of applause.

  “Guards, I suppose you’ll be wanting this back?” Bosso said.

  The four security guards walked toward the diamond. Carter squinted and noticed that some of the luster of the diamond was gone. This wasn’t the real Star of Africa. This was the fake. The real diamond had been switched out during the act, just as the misfits suspected. Carter knew what he had to do.

  Suddenly the lights in the entire theater went out, and the world was plunged into darkness.

  “Guards! Police!” Bosso yelled in the pitch black. “Someone is stealing the diamond! Seal the doors, bar the exits, let no one leave. Wait… I… I have him!”

  The sounds of a struggle echoed from the stage. There was a crash of breaking glass. People gasped in fear and excitement.

  “We have him!” Bosso roared.

  Conveniently, the lights came back on.

  Bosso, the Walrus, and the Spider-Lady were holding a struggling Mr. Vernon facedown on the stage. The fake diamond was on the floor, mere feet away.

  “We have the culprit in custody!” Bosso said to the crowd. “Police, arrest this man. He tried to steal the Star of Africa!”

  Bosso, out of breath, raised his hands to the crowd. “Well, I hadn’t expected that ending to my show. But who doesn’t like a little added excitement? Crisis averted, ladies and gentlemen.”

  “Thanks to you!” the Spider-Lady said. “You’re a hero! You stopped that wild man.”

  The audience cheered with approval. Bosso bowed as people stood, clapping harder.

  “I am humbled and honored,” Bosso said, taking another bow. “Thank you! Thank you!”

  Without inspecting it properly, the guards shoved the diamond into its black case and locked it tight. Several policemen led Mr. Vernon off stage in handcuffs.

  “The show’s not over yet,” Carter whispered to the others. “Let’s get the real show started.…”

  NINETEEN

  “Let’s hear it for our hero, B. B. Bosso!” Olly and Izzy said as they strolled out onto the stage behind Bosso.

  Bosso seemed confused. He looked to the Walrus and the Spider-Lady, but both shrugged, just as puzzled.

  “Come on, keep on cla
pping!” Olly shouted to the crowd.

  “That’s right!” Izzy added. “Give our hero a warm welcome!”

  “Welcome?” Olly said. “But the show’s over.”

  “Is it?” Izzy asked, scratching her head. “I could have sworn the show was just beginning.”

  “I wouldn’t mind that at all,” Olly said. “Who wants more?”

  The crowd cheered as Bosso’s fake smile began to crumble. The Walrus growled at Olly and the Spider-Lady glared at Izzy. But neither of them could do anything in front of the crowd. They backed toward the edges of the stage.

  “What’s wrong, Bosso? You look worried,” Izzy said. “Surely you don’t want to disappoint your fans.”

  “Of… of course not,” Bosso stuttered.

  “He’s not worried,” Olly said, poking Bosso in the belly. “He’s hungry! I’d be hungry too after a show like that.”

  “I could use a bite to eat myself,” Izzy said, taking Bosso’s hand and leading him to the center of the stage. Then she pulled out an umbrella and opened it. “But I’m worried about the weather. It looks cloudy with a chance of breakfast.”

  Olly pulled a cord. Heaps of cold eggs, bacon, oatmeal, and bagels showered Bosso. Maple syrup dripped from above, covering him. Assuming this was part of the show, the crowd roared with laughter. Bosso’s face turned red under all the oatmeal. He glanced toward the Walrus and the Spider-Lady, but they were too busy looking around the auditorium for another way out.

  Olly leaned toward the crowd and bit his finger. “Oops! What a perfectly dreadful waste of a good meal!”

  “Looks like someone has egg on their face,” Izzy added.

  “That’s our cue,” Carter said to the others behind the curtain. “Are you ready?”

  Ridley, Theo, and Leila nodded.

  Theo, in his tuxedo, escorted Leila and Ridley—both in beautiful matching silver-sequined dresses—out onto the stage. They tiptoed and wheeled around the spilled breakfast (and Bosso) to the front of the stage. Theo produced his violin from his jacket and a bow from his pocket. (Not his magic bow but a regular one.) “I’d like to play a tune of thanks for our hero, B. B. Bosso.” Theo’s jaunty melody filled the air as Leila grabbed Olly and Izzy and began a line dance. They tried to get Bosso to dance with them, but he refused, fuming. The twins spun Leila off to the side of the stage, where she rolled into the curtain, wrapping herself in it like a mummy. But when her form unrolled, it was no longer Leila—it was Carter.

  Ridley held up a sign that said: APPLAUSE! The audience obliged again.

  “Where am I?” Carter asked the audience. He stumbled away from the curtain in his own magician’s suit, top hat, and cape. The audience clapped and laughed in response. “I’m on stage? But I have terrible stage fright!” He gave a sly wink to the enormous villain.

  “You!” Bosso growled.

  “Me!” Carter smirked, directing his performance toward the audience. “Bosso and I are old friends, you see. He once offered to take me under his wing. Such a generous man!”

  Bosso’s face was the color of angry strawberries. The Walrus and the Spider-Lady had tried to sneak away, but Olly and Izzy guided them back to center stage with Bosso.

  “I’m going to murder you,” Bosso whispered so only Carter could hear.

  “Did you hear that, folks?” Carter shouted. “Bosso wants to make me vanish like he did the diamond! He should know by now: Vanishing is my skill.”

  Carter climbed onto the glass podium and bowed for the audience. When he took off his top hat, two white doves flew over the crowd. Ridley tossed the purple sheet into the air, letting it drape over Carter. By the time the sheet touched the podium, Carter was gone.

  How did Carter vanish? Simple. The same way Bosso made the diamond vanish, using a drop mechanism hidden within the glass podium. When Carter stepped onto the podium, he activated its lever and fell through a secret chute. Like a superfast elevator, he moved from the stage to below the stage, with the sheet hiding his escape.

  As soon as Carter found his footing, he saw the Tattooed Baby at the master light switch and the Pock-Pickets with the real Star of Africa.

  “Put the diamond down!” Carter said.

  “Back for more we see, we see.

  You cannot escape; you cannot flee!

  It’s that kid! It’s that brat!

  Let’s trap him like a rat!” the singers sang.

  “Did you prepare that verse just in case I showed up?” Carter shivered. “That is pretty creepy.”

  The Pock-Pickets snarled. As the thieving quartet ran at Carter, he pulled a handful of marbles from his pockets and threw them on the floor. The Pock-Pickets slipped and slid, slamming into one another as they flipped into the air.

  As soon as they hit the ground, Carter leapt on top of them. He pulled four sets of handcuffs from his jacket. With his fast hands, he locked one singer’s wrist to another’s ankle, over and over, until the barbershop quartet couldn’t move.

  “We’re supposed to guard Bosso’s treasure,

  and now we’ll be the source of his displeasure,” they sang.

  “Let us goooooooooooooo!”

  “How about nooooooo?” Carter sang back.

  The Tattooed Baby pulled off his shirt and flexed his muscles. He ran at Carter. Carter stepped to the side at the last moment and let the baby run straight into the wall, knocking himself out. “Baby needed a nap,” Carter quipped, proud of himself.

  Carter grabbed the diamond and hid it in his top hat. Then he hopped on the elevator mechanism and hit the lever to shoot him back up to the stage.

  A flash of fire and a poof of smoke hid his reentry. Carter now stood on the podium. Olly and Izzy were dancing in circles around a fuming Bosso as Theo played his violin for the audience.

  Ridley again held up her sign saying: APPLAUSE!

  Carter bowed for the audience, who cheered and whistled. Then he turned, bowing just for Bosso. When he did, he took off his top hat, letting Bosso see what he had inside.

  “Want the real Star of Africa?” Carter whispered so only Bosso could hear. “Come and get it.”

  Then he ran to the curtain, wrapped himself up in it, and as the form uncurled, Leila popped out.

  “Hello again!” she said.

  “After that boy!” Bosso roared, waving for his sideshow goons to follow.

  Carter was backstage. As the villains closed in on him, he pulled a sword out of his sleeve. He hooked his foot into the loop of two ropes marked with a pink bow. He cut the second rope, and as several sandbags sped down, Carter flew up.

  “Ta-ta.” He waved to the villains.

  “Get him!” Bosso growled, climbing up the nearest ladder. The Walrus went after him, but the Spider-Lady climbed straight up the rope. They all careened across the catwalks. The Spider-Lady nearly had Carter. But he pulled two decks of cards from his pocket and shot all 104 cards at her. When she tried to run after him, she slipped on the cards and nearly tumbled over the railing. The Walrus pulled her upright, then lunged forward, but Carter dodged, leaping to another platform.

  Rounding a corner, Bosso reached out and snatched Carter’s top hat.

  When he looked inside, it was empty.

  “Now you see it…” Carter said, holding up the diamond in one hand. “Now you don’t!” With his other hand, he made it disappear.

  Bosso, the Walrus, and the Spider-Lady had convened on Carter’s catwalk. They bolted at him, hands outstretched, ready to grab him, but Carter clasped another rope that carried him gently down to the backstage below. Bosso screamed in fury, “After him!”

  As Carter ran, he could hear his friends at the front of the stage, putting on what sounded like a fantastic show. Theo’s music, Olly’s and Izzy’s dancing, and the audience’s laughter buoyed his heart. “This has to work,” he whispered to himself.

  Now backstage, Bosso and his goons were sliding down poles from above. The Walrus landed in front of Carter, with Bosso behind him. Carter ran to the side
, through another layer of curtains, and another, and another.

  He jumped through a canvas painted to look like a brick wall, then ran into a real wall. Bosso was almost on him. Carter turned, ran down a short hall that made a left turn, then another left turn, then a left turn again. He came to a dead end. He turned to the side and ran through a door. It was a props closet, and there was nowhere else to go. “No!” Carter shouted.

  He was trapped.

  TWENTY

  As Carter turned, he found himself cornered by Bosso, the Walrus, and the Spider-Lady.

  “You’re done, boy,” Bosso said. “Give me the diamond.”

  Carter looked desperately around the room. There were shelves of old props, a table with an antique gramophone, musty curtains, and giant mirrors. He grabbed a baseball bat from a nearby shelf, accidentally turning the gramophone on. Instead of playing, the needle rubbed against the record as it spun, making a terrible scratching sound.

  Carter swung the bat as Bosso reached for him. “Leave me alone!”

  “Give me the diamond you stole!” Bosso growled.

  “You stole it first!” Carter snapped.

  “And now I’m going to steal it back!” As Bosso lunged at Carter, Carter swung again. Bosso backed off, but a sinister grin crawled across his face. “You’re trapped, boy. Give it up and I might let you live.”

  “Like Mr. Vernon?” Carter said. “You framed him!”

  “The old fool had it coming,” Bosso spit. “Well, I’ve got news for him. Once the diamond is mine, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted right at my fingertips. And Dante… Goody-Boy Dante… will be left to rot in a prison.”

  “Until everyone realizes you replaced the Star of Africa with a fake during your act,” Carter said, swinging the bat as the Walrus and the Spider-Lady reached for him.

  “By then, I’ll be long gone. I’ll be in Bora Bora, sipping frosty umbrella drinks and working on my tan,” Bosso said.