Alluring Ink

by Ranae Rose

  Crystal had just finished giving Emily a bath and tucking her in for the night when a knock came at the door. Her heart leapt – she’d been looking forward to hearing that sound all day.

  It was such a huge relief to see Dylan standing in front of her that she wanted to slump against the doorframe. She’d been so worried about him, and now he was finally back where she could reach out and touch him.

  Not that he looked like he wanted that. There was a tired look in his eyes, and his unsmiling face was dark with stubble.

  “Come on in.”

  She was dying to wrap her arms around him, even if he’d said some things to her that still stung.

  She knew he hadn’t meant to hurt her though, and mostly, she just felt bad for him. He’d been to hell and back with his brother, and on top of it, he apparently thought he didn’t deserve the love or support he gave so freely to others.

  “Sorry about the way I left.” His gaze drifted, almost locking with hers, but not quite.

  Their last date seemed a million years ago.

  “I told you not to worry about it. And for the record, I had a great time until you had to go. Anyway, I’m a lot more concerned about what you said on the phone.”

  She gestured for him to sit on the couch with her, and he did.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” he said, “but I meant it all. I’ve been selfish lately, not just with my brother, but with you. I never should’ve gotten involved with you. You have Emily to worry about, and I’ve been taking time away from her – away from the things in your life that matter. I don’t want to do that to you anymore.”

  “Emily will always be my first priority,” she said, her heart aching, “but that doesn’t mean I have to shun any chance at a relationship with anyone else, does it?”

  A couple months ago, she’d thought exactly that. But Dylan – plus Arianna and James, surprisingly – had changed her mind.

  “You should do whatever makes you happy. But you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone like me. It’s been hell dealing with my brother these past few weeks. I’d do anything for him, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t stand the thought of being that kind of burden to you. I’d rather never see you again than put you through that shit.”

  “You’re not your brother.”

  “We’re fighting the same demons.”

  “Not really. Everyone is different. James and I grew up in the same abusive home and foster care system, and we both struggled for a while. But our battles weren’t identical, even though they had the same cause.”

  “You rose above your circumstances, though. Beat them. You and James both. I’m always going to be bipolar, Crystal. It’s just the way I am.”

  “You’re dedicated to managing it, though, aren’t you? And look at how successful you are. It’s not like your life is in shambles.”

  “There’s no magic drug that suppresses all the symptoms. Staying on top of it is a game that changes, and you have to race to catch up and figure out the new rules. It can be exhausting.”

  She couldn’t resist touching him any longer – reaching out, she took one of his hands in hers.

  He didn’t pull away, though he didn’t really respond, either.

  “Let me be absolutely clear, Dylan: I hear what you’re saying, and I’m not trying to downplay the seriousness of any of it. But I still want to keep seeing you.”

  “You’re perfect. Don’t corrupt that with my problems. It’d be a mistake.”

  She laughed. Not out of humor – in fact, she was close to tears. “I’m far from perfect, I assure you.”

  He shook his head. “Well, you have me fooled. And I’m sure you have everyone else fooled, too. I normally keep my issues to myself, but with all the shit I’ve put Hot Ink through, everyone will know something’s off. Jed already knows exactly what the problem is. You don’t want the stigma that’s attached to me to cast a shadow over you, too.”

  “I don’t care about that. And I think you’re wrong about how people at Hot Ink would react. They’re some of the kindest and most accepting people I’ve ever met.”

  He just shook his head, looking irritated. “You don’t understand the stigma that comes with mental illness. You don’t understand what it’s like to walk around knowing people are judging you and watching to see what fucked-up thing you’ll do next. And even the little things, the ordinary things – if they don’t like those, they’ll blame them on your illness, too. Every time you do something wrong, it’s more than just a mistake – it’s who you are.”

  One of the tears she’d been holding back finally slipped out. “Dylan!”

  Frustration, sympathy and fear boiled inside her, until she couldn’t hold it in anymore.

  “I know exactly how that feels. I live it every day, and I hate it.”

  He looked at her like he’d never seen her before, like she was a stranger yelling out insane things on a street corner.

  “Barely more than a year ago, I was a drug addict. Everyone knows but you. After we started dating officially, I almost panicked trying to figure out how I’d tell you. And now you know: I moved here from Philly after I went through rehab. While I was there, I abandoned Emily with James, forcing him to take care of her. She was just a newborn.”

  Her voice cracked, and she had to fight to keep from crying out loud.

  “When I came back, I lived with James for a year because I couldn’t afford to live on my own. I moved into this apartment this summer, around the time I met you.”

  He was still looking at her like he was seeing her for the first time, and she knew: this was the first time he’d seen her for who she truly was. She wished she could sink into the couch and disappear.

  “I didn’t know,” he said after a while.

  She didn’t say anything. She’d ruined any chance they’d still had, and she knew it. Uncurling her fingers, she stopped clinging to his hand.

  CHAPTER 22

  “All the people I care about know what I did, and I know they think about it when they see me,” Crystal said. “Former junkie, single mom, selfish slut…”

  She held up three fingers, ticking off the things she knew people thought about her.

  “Whenever I started seeing you, I’m sure they thought I was getting into the same sort of trouble that landed me in single motherhood. That after a year of being good, you were my latest mistake. So don’t tell me that I don’t know what it’s like to have shame shadow me everywhere I go, to know I’m being judged.”

  “You don’t use drugs anymore,” he pointed out. “You don’t even drink.”

  “That’s not the point. The stigma of being an addict never goes away.”

  “You beat it, though. You conquered and changed. I can never be the person who beat my demons; I can only co-exist and devote my life to damage control.”

  She sighed. “You didn’t choose to be bipolar. I chose to abuse drugs. Only one of us should feel ashamed, and it’s not you.”

  She jumped when he touched her, it was so unexpected. Sweeping a handful of hair out of her face, he tucked it behind her ear and touched her cheek. “You don’t have to feel ashamed around me. I won’t judge you. I can’t, when you’re one of the only people who hasn’t judged me.”

  She embarrassed herself then by crying in earnest. Tears flowed down her face, no longer slipping out one at a time.

  He held her hand as she fought to gain control of herself, worried she’d wake Emily.

  Unlike the men she’d known in the past, he didn’t shy away from tears. The only other guy she’d ever met with that quality was James. Maybe their lack of fear was due to the fact that they both knew pain and suffering so well.

  “Sorry,” she said when she finally stopped sobbing. “So embarrassing…” She wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist.

  He squeezed her hand. “Crying isn’t embarrassing. Having a black eye because you walked into a door is embarrassing.”

  The humor was so unexpected that sh
e snorted, even though he kept a straight face.

  “Are you mad that I hid my past from you?” she asked. “I didn’t mean to be deceptive; it was just that when we first started hanging out, I thought it was only temporary. Then before I knew it, I was in a relationship based on lies of omission.”

  He shook his head. “It wouldn’t have made a difference to me.”

  “Really?” She had her doubts. A lot of them.

  “To be honest, it’s a relief to know you’re not as perfect as you seem.”

  She snorted again, knowing the only thing that’d ever been perfect about her was her make-up, which she’d ruined by crying.

  “So, now that you know about my sordid past, will you stop acting like I’m better than you?”

  “No. You may have made mistakes, but you’re still a supermom in the body of a supermodel. You’re going to have to up your horribleness game if you want me to feel like we’re on the same level.”

  Supermom. Maybe he was trying to be funny, but the comment flooded her with a ridiculous sense of pride. The way she’d failed Emily in the beginning was her greatest shame, and being a good mother was her greatest ambition. To know that someone thought she was doing a good job felt surreal.

  “Don’t make me tell you the details of my former life,” she said. “I assure you, they’re horrible.”

  “You don’t have to tell me unless you want to.”

  “If we’re going to keep seeing each other, I think you should know. I’d rather tell you now than worry about what you’ll think when you eventually find out.”

  When he didn’t reply, her heart raced in frustration. Reaching out, she placed her hands on either side of his stubbled face and tilted it toward her. Crushing her lips against his, she gave him the long, lingering kiss she’d been dying to share with him for days.

  After a few agonizing moments, he responded.

  Despite all her frustration, shame and worries, she melted on the inside. It felt so, so good to touch him like this, to feel the heat of his mouth against hers and his breath on her face.

  When it was over, she spilled her guts about her past before she could lose her courage. She told him about how she’d never had a taste for alcohol, but that during a party, she’d been offered an opiate by a friend. She’d spiraled down from there, and although she tried a few other illegal substances along the way, heavy prescription painkillers had been her kryptonite.

  Through sheer fear and willpower, she’d managed to stop using after realizing she was pregnant, but after giving birth, a painkiller prescription from the hospital was all it had taken to plunge her back into the pit again...

  She told him everything – all the things she hated to even think about, let alone talk about.

  Normally, she pushed the memories away before they could form clear pictures in her mind – now, they were crystal clear and it suddenly felt like there was less oxygen in the room.

  “Emily’s dad was an addict too,” she said. “We dated for a few months and he ditched me as soon as he found out I was pregnant. I don’t know where he is, and I don’t care.”

  Dylan nodded.

  With a sinking feeling, she watched him say nothing at all. She almost regretted the kiss she’d given him, which would probably be their last. How could she have thought she could just dump this all in his lap and expect him to ever look at her the same again?

  “I know it’s bad,” she said. “You probably won’t ever be able to look at me the same again, and—”

  “You don’t have to say things like that. I said I wouldn’t judge you.”

  “I can’t help it. This is humiliating. I wish I could just disappear.”

  His hands were warm, but the shock that raced through her when he touched her was icy. Cupping her face, he crushed his mouth against hers.

  The intensity – the depth – of the kiss melted the cold feeling inside her. She couldn’t believe he was kissing her like this, after what she’d just told him.

  When they finally broke apart, he met her eyes, an intensity burning beneath the hollow expression he’d been wearing since returning from Newark.

  “I have a lot of things I hate to think about, and if I had to tell the stories to anyone, I’d feel that way too. I think most people are the same way. Does that help – to know you’re not alone?”

  “I don’t know. I’d say I’ve done worse things than the average person has.” Her lips felt swollen from the kiss, and she wished she didn’t have to talk anymore. There was nothing she could say to make herself look better.

  “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. And those things are behind you, anyway.”

  She didn’t say anything – what was there to say?

  “You’re the only person who knows why I left Ultimate Ink Challenge the way I did,” he said. “And here’s something else you’d have to put a gun to my head to get me to admit to anyone besides you...”

  He exhaled, frowning. “I was Ben’s age when I found out I was bipolar. Before then, I didn’t have a clue. I finally broke down and went to the doctor because I just felt so fucking weird – not just depressed, but a whole bunch of bizarre shit on top of it. I was afraid I was going to lose my mind. That was when I got the diagnosis, even though I’ve been this way since I was a kid.”

  “No one noticed?”

  “My parents noticed something wasn’t right. Or at least, they noticed that something wasn’t what they wanted it to be. They thought…” He shook his head. “Shit. This sounds so fucking stupid to say out loud.”

  She reached for his hand and squeezed, his obvious discomfort pulling her out of her own pity party.

  “My parents are really religious, and I don’t mean Catholic or Baptist or anything ordinary like that. They go to this independent crackpot church run by some idiot with a God complex. Anyway, when I was a kid…

  “They thought I was ‘being influenced by demons’. Exact words. I’d get punished for giving in to a ‘demon of rebellion’, or ‘spirit of negativity’ all the time. It used to make me so mad when they accused me of stuff like that, but I think the worst part is that when I was really young, a part of me believed it. Or at least, that I was really evil.”

  “That’s awful.” Crystal winced inwardly. Demons, really?

  “I know it’s asinine,” he said. “But there are people out there who actually think like that. In my parents’ minds, everything is some sort of spiritual test or battle, and evil spirits lurk around every corner, which is how they explain everything that doesn’t fit the mold of their beliefs. They know I’m bipolar, but they still think it’s just some kind of attitude problem I could adjust if I really wanted to.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded. “Last Thanksgiving they kept hinting that I’d always struggle as long as I wasn’t ‘seeking out the Lord’s plan for my life’.” He tipped his head at Crystal and gave her a wry smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “In their world, of course, the Lord’s plan never involves tattoos.”

  “Sounds like holidays in your family are a blast.” She couldn’t believe he put up with it.

  Then again, James had put up with a hell of a lot from her just because she was family, so maybe her judgments were best kept to herself.

  He shrugged. “Point is, you now know that I’ve been accused of being demon possessed more times than I can count, and at one point kind of believed it. If that’s not humiliating, I don’t know what is.”

  Crystal frowned. “You were just a kid.”

  “Still.”

  She massaged the back of his hand with her thumb, and his muscles relaxed a little.

  “That’s also why I brought Ben back here. I couldn’t leave him in Jersey with only our parents around. He didn’t have any friends there, either, besides his boss.”

  “I understand. I understood even before you explained. Ben is your brother and you’d do anything to help him.”

  He nodded. “I don’t know if anyone else will understand, but Jed hasn
’t banned my ass from Hot Ink, so I figure that’s a good sign.”

  “Jed will understand. Trust me.” She knew enough about Jed and James’ relationship to recall that Jed had suffered from depression after his first wife’s death, and had relied on a couple close friendships to make it through.

  Silence reigned for a little while, and she thought over everything he’d told her. He was probably doing the same with her story.

  “So, can we both agree that we know so much embarrassing stuff about the other that we have to keep dating?” she asked. “When someone has dirt like that on you, you’ve gotta keep tabs on them, right?”

  He didn’t laugh.

  “Okay, Crystal,” he said after a while. “If you really want to keep seeing me and my demons, that’s your call. And you know I can’t resist you. But if I ever start making your life harder than it has to be, please just step away.”

  “I can’t promise that.”

  “Why not?”

  She drew a breath and held it, debated for a moment whether or not to tell the truth. It certainly wasn’t the kind of truth that encouraged ‘taking it slow’. But it wasn’t a truth she could change, either.

  “I love you,” she said. “I tried really hard not to, because it scared me, but I do.”

  He jerked, like he’d been given an electric shock. “Don’t feel like—”

  “No, listen!” She wouldn’t let him try to talk her out of her feelings. “I think I started falling in love with you at the café across the street from Hot Ink. Then a little more each time we hung out and just talked. I love how kind you are and how much you care about people. And I love how you treat me, and make me feel.”

  “How I treat you – really? How many times have I run out on you now?”

  “You couldn’t help those things. I still love the way you talk to me, and listen. I can control my actions, but not my feelings. And I know what my feelings for you are.”

  He held her gaze. “I love you too Crystal, but love is just the spark I feel before things crash and burn. I have a way of making people second-guess their feelings.”