Collected Stories

by T E. D Klein

  "Oh well, I guess the rest of us will just have to get along with our little shacks in the suburbs!"

  "Not me, man," Walter piped up." I'm buying myself an estate just like this one." The others paused in conversation. Walter grinned.

  "Just as soon as the market picks up!"

  "You'd better watch out, Walt," called Frances." Someday somebody might just take you seriously. You'll run into some real estate sharpie and wind up out in the street, walking around in a barrel!"

  Milton moved toward them, staggering slightly, and put his arm around Walter's shoulder. He was very drunk." If you wanna buy some land, you don't hafta wait till the market's better," he said." You just gotta know the right people. Isn't that right, George?"

  Under the weight of their curious stares, George managed to maintain his smile-but it was an effort." Oh, you need a little patience, that's all. And you have to wait till the right deal comes along. I was just lucky, I guess." The look he gave Milton was not very pretty.

  Phyllis stepped forward, not a moment too soon, and announced gaily, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm just grateful to be living in a place like this. And now that Herb and Tammie are finally here, I'd like to show you just how lucky we are."

  "Well, it's about time," said Ellie. She turned to the rest." She's been keeping us in suspense."

  " You mean at long last we'll get to see it?" asked Frances.

  "That's right," replied Phyllis, all smiles. She fluttered her eyelids in parody of a Grand Duchess." Madame Kurtz will now escort her guests around her palatial estate."

  George managed an apologetic laugh." It's just an old barn," he said.

  "Honest-nothing but a barn!"

  "See, I got him trussed up pretty tight now. Won't catch me making the same mistake twice, no, sir!"

  "Are you sure the straps aren't a little, urn, too tight?"

  "You kidding, Doc? If I loosened them things, he'd yip the bandages off in two seconds flat. No, sir, nothing doing.

  ***

  The doctor stepped into the room." Well, hello there, " he said genially." I'm sorry to find you like this. Hope you're not terribly uncomfortable. Just as soon as those lacerations heal, we'll remove those bandages and then we'll see if we can't get you out of that jacket, okay? We believe in giving our patients here a second chance.

  The man on the bed glared at him.

  'And so I do hope that, um- He turned to the orderly." Can he hear what I'm saying?"

  "Oh, yeah, he can hear you fine. But we think he mustve done something to his vocal cords, you know? He don't seem able to speak " He smiled "Just between you and me, I ain't so broken up about that. I mean, all that screaming, it was really getting to me. Always going on about feeding time… I mean, you'd think we never fed the guy!"

  ***

  "It isn't fair. Honestly, it just isn't fair." Ellie gestured toward the bedroom." Just look at that. That's exactly the kind of bed frame Milt and I have been looking all over New York for."

  "I'll bet it's real brass, too," said Doris." Hey, Frannie," she called over her shoulder, "do you think that bed frame's real brass?"

  Frances emerged from the bathroom, Irene Crystal in tow." I'm afraid so," she said." God, I'm absolutely green with envy. And that quilt, did you ever see such a thing? It must have taken years! Don't you just love it?"

  "Oh, I do," said Doris." It's beautiful." She ran her hand down one of the gleaming bedposts.

  "It's criminal, that's what I think," said Ellie." Here I spend my whole life dreaming of a house in the country with a greenhouse and a pantry and a kitchen big enough to walk around in-"

  " And a real library," said Doris.

  "That's right, a real library, the kind they have in those Joan Aine movies, remember? With comfortable chairs and little tables next to them so you can sit and sip your sherry while you read… And who gets all this? The Kurtzes. I tell you, it's simply criminal. I mean, has anyone ever seen either of them so much as open a book?"

  "Oh, George is a reader," said Frances." I can tell."

  "How?"

  She grinned impishly."There's a pile of Sports Illustrateds in the bathroom!"

  "And how about that nursery?" said Doris. She enjoyed baiting Ellie.

  "Yes, can you imagine? A separate nursery, and they don't even have children. It makes me so angry I could positively scream!"

  "Oh, come on, El," said Frances, "don't get all worked up. Your two kids aren't exactly toddlers anymore. Your oldest is already out of college, for God's sake!"

  "Still, all I can think of is how nice this place would have been when Milt and I were just starting out. Damn it all, going home to Long Island's going to be such a letdown."

  "You're not kidding," said Irene." And the ride back's not going to be much fun either. Jack s been grumbling about it all night. We figure if we leave here at eleven-I mean, we've got to stay at least that late-we won't be home till past one."

  "Well, my husband had a brilliant idea," said Frances. She seated herself on the bed." He took one look at that guest room down the hall, the one with all those antique toys in it, and decided he wanted to spend the night here. He says if we hang around long enough, they'll have to ask us to stay the night."

  "Hey, you little schemers in there!" They all looked up in guilty surprise, but it was only Mike Carlinsky standing tall and fat in the doorway, his fiancée on his arm." I heard all that. You can hatch all the plots you want to about staying the night, but I warn you, Gail and I have dibs on this room." He strode inside, the wide plank floorboards creaking beneath his weight.

  "Sorry, Mike, I'm afraid you're out of luck," said Frances." This one's the master bedroom. See? Two dressers, two mirrors, and matching night tables."

  Carlinsky grinned." But just one bed, huh?" Its springs groaned as he seated himself heavily upon it." Room enough for two, I'll admit, but still… didn't think old George had it in him anymore."

  Fred Weingast poked his head into the room; other voices came from the hall behind him." Michael, I do declare, you're getting as catty as the girls." He leaned against the doorway, still holding his half-filled cocktail glass." I don't know about you people, but I'm not so sure I'd want to spend the night way out here. I'm a city boy, you know. Places like this make me nervous."

  "Aw, what's the matter?" said Carlinsky." Can't fall asleep without the sound of traffic?"

  "He'll miss the roaches," said Ellie.

  "Come on over and sit down with us." Carlinsky patted the bed beside him; there was just enough room for one more person.

  Weingast looked doubtful." Well, I don't think old George would be too happy if his bed collapsed… Think I'll go take a look at the attic, if I can make it up those stairs. I hear it's really something.

  Anyway, kids, you'd all better mind your manners. Our esteemed hostess is on her way upstairs-" He glanced back over his shoulder, "accompanied, I do believe, by her royal entourage."

  Indeed, the babble of voices grew louder; Phyllis was conducting her promised tour of the house.

  Initially the company had trooped after her like a column of dutiful schoolchildren, gaping at the various rooms that formed the first floor: the parlor and the pantry, the library with its walls of closely packed bookshelves broken only by a set of windows, the kitchen with its original oaken beams and the cast-iron meat hooks still hanging from them, the dining area and the storerooms and the fragrant little potting shed that led into the greenhouse…

  But thirty adults, inebriated at that, had proved a difficult group to keep together; they'd spilled over into the balls, getting sidetracked over old maps, lagging behind and returning to the living room to refill their glasses. At last she'd simply given up, and had encouraged them to wander wherever they pleased.

  "Just make sure Walter doesn't trip down the stairs," she'd said, winking at him." He looks drunk enough to break his neck! And oh, by the way, I know most of it's junk, but please try not to break anything at this early date. Wait til
l we've lived here a bit longer!

  Otherwise, you can have the run of the house and, I guess, the run of the grounds-if anyone feels like stepping outside in this weather."

  She glanced doubtfully toward the window.

  " What's the matter?" said Herb, "don't the bathrooms work?"

  Phyllis laughed." I just mean that if you're going to get sick, I'd rather you do it outside, all over the dead leaves, than on my nice new carpet! "

  Most of the women had immediately gone back to the kitchen to exclaim once again over the maple breakfast table and the old wrought-iron gas range with the extra-deep compartment for baking bread. Others had gone ahead to the second floor, and a few of the men had made straight for the narrow stairway to the attic, vowing to "work from the top down."

  Phyllis was now advancing along the upstairs hall, accompanied by the more faithful of her audience, including Cissy Hawkins, who followed her like a child afraid of getting lost.

  "Wow," Cissy was saying, "the steps in these old houses are so steep!"

  She lingered near the top of the stairs, catching her breath.

  "How do you do it, Phyl?"

  "Remember, I've been living here for six weeks now." She smiled down at the others still on the stairs; Janet Mulholland stood on the landing, panting softly and clutching the banister for support." Honestly, girls, it does wonders for the figure."

  Janet glared at her with a touch of malevolence, then started up.

  "I had no idea how out of shape I was," she muttered." I haven't been this winded since the elevator strike!"

  But Phyllis was already walking down the hall to her bedroom, pointing out the wall hangings to Cissy and the others." This one had to be repaired," she was saying." See? " the border. We had a little shop in New Haven do the reweaving. They're very cheap."

  "Gosh, what is it?" asked Cissy." I guess this green part is meant to be leaves, but what's that group in the center? Faces?"

  "Animal faces, yes. But they're so faded I'm afraid you can hardly see them. The man in the shop said it was a Middle Eastern design."

  Phyllis turned and addressed the group in the hall." You know, there are two kinds of tapestries: grotesque and arabesque. Arabesque just has leaves and flowers, but this one's a grotesque-there are animals mixed in."

  Ellie stood in the doorway of the bedroom, then turned back to Frances ." Honestly, did you ever?" she whispered." Listen to her, parading around her new knowledge to impress the masses."

  "It's like the book, then, isn't it?" Cissy was saying." Tales of the Grotesque and Arabesque."

  "Oh, really?" asked Phyllis." What book?" She turned to the next tapestry; it had been hanging crookedly, and she adjusted it." This one's in much better condition. See? It's a deer and a bear, I think.

  George is going to have it appraised."

  Frances emerged from the bedroom." Where is he, by the way?" she asked.

  " Oh, probably downstairs."

  "I saw him go in the bathroom at the end of the hall," said Weingast. He shambled toward the attic stairs, his drink sloshing in his glass." The old boy looked a bit under the weather. Too much of this stuff." He held up his drink." Anybody care to join me?"

  "In the attic?" asked Carlinsky, getting up from the bed with a groan (and a little support from his fiancé)." Some of the guys are already up there prowling around, I think." He followed Weingast up the stairs, pulling his woman behind him.

  "Gosh, Phyl, you mean you have two bathrooms up here?" asked Cissy.

  Phyllis nodded modestly." And two downstairs."

  From behind them came a gasp." Oh, this stuffs lovely!" Janet had made it up the stairs, and now stood examining the tiny figurines on a shelf by the guest room." The expressions on these little things' faces are so precious! Bone china, aren't they?"

  "I think so. Have you seen the ones inside the doorway?"

  They followed her into the guest room, one wall of which was lined with ornamental shelves.

  "Hey, this is some collection!"

  Phyllis merely smiled.

  "Good grief!" laughed Ellie." What do you call this stuff-knickknacks, gewgaws, thingamajigs, or urn, let's see, how about whatnots?"

  " Plain old bric-a-brac's good enough for me!"

  "Gee, I haven't seen one of these in years." Ellie picked up a small glass globe with a winter scene inside: when she shook it, snow swirled in a miniature blizzard. The globe beside it held a shiny black beetle, and the one next to that a tiny bouquet of dried flowers, chrysanthemums, black-eyed Susans, cornflowers, even a tiny thistle, all the colors of autumn.

  Walter and Joyce Applebaum strolled in, arm in arm. While she joined the others by the shelves, he leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, as if shutting out the room full of women. He was obviously quite drunk.

  "This stuff must be worth a fortune," said Janet, examining the small figure of an elf carved in dark wood." You just don't see things like this every day. And I'll bet the ones on the bottom"-she indicated a shelf of antique cast-iron banks, dogs, and elephants, a hunter and a bear, a clown and hoop-"would cost a couple of hundred dollars, at least in New York."

  Phyllis shrugged." Some of it's pretty valuable, all right, but a lot of it's just junk. George hasn't gotten around to throwing it out." She pushed aside two small stone sculptures-totemic heads of California basalt-and picked up a gray ceramic candle holder in the shape of a gargoyle, the black taper seeming to sprout from between the creature's wings." This, for example. It looks old, doesn't it?"

  "Medieval."

  "Yes, but feel." She handed the thing to Janet." See? Light as a feather. It's just some cheap plaster-of-Paris souvenir from... Paris, appropriately enough. We saw a lot of them when we were over there last year. They sell them at Notre Dame for seven or eight francs."

  Cissy looked disappointed "Well, maybe it's not all exactly priceless," she said, "but you certainly have enough to open your own antique shop."

  "Three antique shops!" said Frances.

  Phyllis laughed." This is nothing. Wait'll you see the attic!"

  "What, more? Where'd you acquire all this stuff.?"

  "Don't forget, it wasn't us who acquired it. It was the man George bought this place from. That lunatic."

  "Well, he may have been a lunatic, but he certainly had good taste," remarked Joyce, studying a group of prints on the wall by the window-a series of storybook illustrations by Dore, Rackham, and others; a Kirk pen-and-ink sketch showed what looked like the Notre Dame gargoyle, only the wings had been replaced by ropelike tentacles." Eclectic, at least," she said." What was he like?"

  "I have no idea," said Phyllis." I never met the man, thank God. George never wanted me to. I'm told he was highly unpleasant."

  "What was the matter?" asked Frances. She was sliding open the drawer of a small end table; inside, the drawer was freshly dusted, and empty. "He keep raving about little green men?"

  "He may have. He may very well have. All I know is, he had very unclean habits. This place stank like a sewer when I first saw it. And it wasn't fixed up like this, believe me. It was a mess."

  "What, the whole house?"

  "You could barely push your way through, for the junk."

  " No, I mean the smell. All over?"

  Phyllis paused to draw the curtains, holding back the night." Eyery room. That's why we took so long to move in. First we tried to air the place out, but that didn't work, so then we had to have men in to fumigate. And believe me, those people charge an arm and a leg.

  George nearly had a fit."

  "All I know is, it smells okay now," said Cissy a little too quickly.

  "Really, Phyl, you've done a marvelous job cleaning."

  "Well, I don't really deserve the credit. There are people you can hire for jobs like that. Those fireplaces were the hardest, I'm told.

  Filled with dirt and ashes. I'm glad we won't have to depend on them when winter comes. Imagine, one in every room!"

  "Even in the kitc
hen," sighed Joyce." Oh, Waltie, if we could only have one built in our kitchen-even a fake one… Wouldn't that be nice?"

  Her husband opened his eyes. They were bloodshot." Yeah," he said, "we'd be the rage of Scarsdale." He looked away.

  "Why don't you just settle for the hooks?" asked Frances.

  "You mean those meat hooks on the ceiling?"

  "Sure, they wouldn't cost much. And Walter could hang salami on them!"

  "But we have no beams to put them in."

  Phyllis intervened." Obviously, then, the thing to do is to let George find you a house like this, beams and all."

  "That's what I keep tellin' everybody," whined Walter.

  She ignored him." Come on, let me show you our bedroom.

  There's some more junk in there."

  They followed her down the hall, and all the women who hadn't already seen the brass bed frame made the appropriate, and predictable, gasps of delight.

  "Oh, where'd you get it?" Janet wanted to know." You don't mean to tell me this came with the house, too."

  Phyllis beamed." Where else?"

  "Boy, the previous owner must have lived a pretty good life here.

  What happened, his wife die and he go to pieces?"

  "I'm sure I don't know," said Phyllis." I doubt he was even married."

  Janet's eyes widened." You mean he lived here all alone? In this huge house?"

  Phyllis shrugged." I told you he was crazy. He may have had a dog or something to keep him company, I'm not sure. I think George said something about a pet."

  The bedsprings groaned as Walter fell heavily onto the mattress.

  He lay back full length, careful nonetheless to keep his shoes off the patchwork quilt." Well, I'd say he was one guy who knew how to live."

  Giving an extended yawn, he stretched as if ready for bed." I mean, this is a comfortable place. A li'l drafty, but comfortable. An' this is a comfortable bed." He closed his eyes and appeared to doze.

  Joyce looked an apology. at her hostess." He always gets like this when he's had a hard week. Anyone want to help me drag him out?"

  "No-no-no, leave him be. Let him take a little nap. Like he said, it's a comfortable bed." Phyllis prided herself on her tact." The weird thing is, the man we bought the house from didn't even use it. He slept on a cot."