First Date: An absolutely jaw-dropping psychological thriller

by Sue Watson

  ‘Okay.’ He smiles. ‘What time do you want me to pick you up from the bar?’

  It’s been almost three weeks since Helen chased me through Worcester, and I haven’t had any more weird messages or perfume-filled cars, but Alex has been driving me to and from work, just in case. But I’m keen to live my life, drive my car, and not rely on Alex quite so much. I’m hoping Helen’s started to move on, accepted that Alex and I are together now.

  ‘You don’t need to pick me up tonight,’ I say.

  ‘No, I’ll come for you,’ he replies, assertively.

  ‘Honestly, it’s fine – we’ll all share a taxi back.’

  ‘But, Hannah, this is about your safety.’

  ‘I know, but nothing’s happened for a while. Whatever it was she seems to have got over it.’

  He faces me, then leans on the kitchen counter, looking at me expectantly.

  ‘What?’ I say.

  ‘Why don’t you want me to collect you? Are you scared one of your friends might see me?’

  ‘No, don’t be silly, why wouldn’t I want anyone to see you?’

  ‘You tell me? Perhaps you like to pretend you’re still single on nights out?’

  ‘Don’t be daft! I’d love you to meet them all – soon. But getting a taxi makes more sense. Jas and Sameera live on my way home, and Harry’ll probably stay at Gemma’s as it’s only a couple of streets away from me.’

  He lifts his head in an ‘is that so?’ kind of way, and I’m instantly irritated.

  ‘Look, I refuse to have a night out with my workmates then just wave them off from my boyfriend’s fancy car, leaving them on the pavement to hail a taxi in the freezing cold.’

  ‘Okay, then I’ll collect all of you.’

  ‘I said no, Alex,’ I snap, then realise I’m being rude so add, ‘Sorry.’

  He wants to look after me, and I get that, but I need to make it clear I’m able to look after myself, and what I find most irritating is that Alex won’t take no for an answer. This morning, Harry made a joke about ‘Hannah’s chauffeur’ and Jas asked me pointedly if I feel Alex is ‘clingy or needy or just weird’, and it does make me question the way Alex is. But, after all the Helen stuff, I guess I can’t blame the way he is sometimes. Things are finally settling down, my feelings for him are strong and I’m still keen to make this work. I love Alex, I just don’t love his ex-wife, and however I try to forget her and enjoy being with him, she’s still a shadow lurking in the corner of our relationship. It makes me wonder about the night a few weeks ago when I worked late and felt I wasn’t alone. What if it was Helen who Alex saw leave through the back door? He said it was dark and assumed it was a man, but there’s a chance it was a woman he saw running away from behind the office. And yesterday Harry discovered that the double lock on the back door is broken.

  ‘Do you think she might have got in?’ I said to Harry.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he replied, but I could see by the look on his face he thought someone had and was clearly just trying to placate me. I heard the doubt in his voice, the way he glanced at Jas and she looked away.

  In spite of everything, Alex and I have made a concerted effort to focus on us. We finally put the Christmas tree up together, and he produced a lovely handmade bauble with our names entwined. He’d had it made specially.

  ‘When I say forever, I mean it,’ he’d said, as he placed it on the tree. I watched him, and imagined putting that bauble on many trees in years to come with our children.

  On Friday morning, I get up early for work. Sameera’s hen night/Christmas work drinks is tonight and, if we’re leaving the office early to go out, I need to fit as much as I can into the day. I have a mountain of paperwork and I need to deal with it. So today I don’t have time for random gossip with Jas in the kitchen – and no lunch break.

  Alex gets up early with me and makes porridge while I run around the house getting ready. I don’t dress up for work but put my make-up and a clean top into a carrier bag to wear tonight.

  ‘Are you wearing that?’ he asks as I scrunch the leopard-print top into the M&S carrier.

  ‘Yeah, you said it looked gorgeous when I wore it to the Indian the other evening.’

  The expression on his face is saying quite the opposite, his lip is curled and his brow furrowed. ‘Oh, yeah it’s okay, but you might be better with something darker, more slimming.’

  ‘What are you saying?’ I’m horrified. ‘I’m no skinny model, but did you just say I look fat in animal print?’ I’m only half joking.

  ‘No… no, but it’s not exactly flattering, is it?’

  ‘I thought it was,’ I say, still surprised at his tactlessness.

  ‘What about that loose black top you wore at the weekend?’

  I rack my brain to remember which one I wore. ‘You mean the big one that’s like a bin liner? I can’t wear that to go out.’ I laugh, amazed at his suggestion.

  ‘Well, apparently it’s good enough to wear at home for me?’

  ‘I don’t wear it for you. I wear it for me – it’s a comfy top I put on for pottering about the house.’ I shake my head in wonderment. I can’t believe he’d suggest I wear that.

  ‘But you’re only going out with friends from work, so why don’t you want to wear something comfortable? Why do you need to dress up in cheap leopard print?’

  ‘Cheap? I’m not sure where this conversation is going.’ I stop smiling, and look at him, puzzled.

  ‘I’m just saying—’

  ‘Alex, you can say what you like, I won’t wear a big shapeless black top to go out on a Friday night with my friends.’

  ‘Like I said then, good enough for me but not for them,’ he mutters under his breath as he places a bowl of steaming porridge in front of me. I’m suddenly not hungry.

  ‘Alex, I always try to look nice for you, as you do for me, and I like that we both care how we look. But you’re not being fair.’ I look up into his face, reach for his hand. I don’t really have time for this and I’m aware that I’m attempting to placate him so I can get on with what’s going to be a busy day.

  ‘I’m sorry. I guess I’m just a bit down today… It’s not you… or what you’re wearing.’ He sighs and turns away.

  ‘What is it then? Why are you feeling down?’ I ask, aware I’m using the voice I usually save for my troubled teens.

  ‘It doesn’t matter. It’s just…’ He turns back to face me and I see there are tears in his eyes.

  ‘Alex. What is it?’

  ‘Nothing. Honestly, it’s nothing.’

  I get up from my seat and walk to where he’s standing, put my arms around his waist and looking up at him. ‘Tell me?’

  He insists he’s fine, but I can see he isn’t. I don’t have time this morning to deal with his sudden hurt, but I can’t just run out of the door when he’s clearly distressed, so I keep asking him. Finally, after much cajoling, he says, ‘Today was the day Helen walked out. I know it was a year ago, but it still hurts.’

  This stings me slightly and brings me back down to earth. ‘Okay… I understand, but perhaps it’s time to move on,’ I say, unable to stop a note of anxiety creeping into my voice.

  ‘It’s not about her, Hannah. To be honest, now I’m with you I am glad she ended it. It’s just you being out tonight, it’ll just remind me of the nights I spent in… waiting for Helen.’ He sighs. ‘It’s not your fault you’re going out tonight.’

  Why does ‘it’s not your fault’ feel like an accusation? It feels as if Alex thinks I should stay home and hold his hand on the twelve-month anniversary of the end of his previous relationship. I’m not sure it’s healthy to have such a date in one’s diary, and even if he does know exactly when she left, surely it isn’t good to dwell on this.

  I move closer to him, put my head to one side, touch his face with my fingertips. Even in sadness, he has a lovely face, long lashes, soft lips, and there’s nothing I’d love more today than to just call in sick, stay with him, and kiss that face. His
hurt has made me anxious, like Helen’s still a threat, still someone he cares about, and now my heart wants to talk this through. But my head knows I can’t, because it’s after 9 a.m., and I was hoping to be at work by now. I’m running late, with a million things to do, not to mention a 9.30 meeting with Jas to update her on Chloe Thomson.

  Chloe’s now staying in temporary accommodation I arranged for her. It’s not great, but at least she isn’t at home with her mother and Pete, who’s apparently returned. I hope I can help her long term, but in my job there are few happy endings – there are always kids in danger, who need me to be on top of everything. And there’s my partner, here in tears, who needs me just as much. I feel my heart beating faster. It’s like when I was a kid and Mum had OD’d, which she did many times. I’d feel like the weight of the world was on top of me, that it was up to me to solve everyone’s problems, to take responsibility. I feel that pressure now, and I don’t like how it makes me feel. Makes me wonder just how thin I can spread myself before I burn out.

  ‘The memory of Helen leaving must be awful,’ I say to Alex now, ‘but that was the past, and I’m here now. Even though I’ll be busy at work today, I’ll be thinking about you, and you can call me any time. We can have a lovely weekend together.’ I pause. ‘I just worry that sometimes…’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I worry that you’re not over her,’ I admit.

  ‘I love you, Hannah. I just miss you when we can’t be together,’ he says, not really answering my question.

  ‘I love you too,’ I answer. ‘I don’t really want to go tonight and leave you alone and upset like this…’ I start.

  ‘Then don’t,’ he says.

  I feel torn, I know Alex needs me, but this is Sameera’s big night. ‘I can’t let them down, Alex.’

  ‘But you can let me down,’ he says bitterly.

  ‘No. I’m not letting you down,’ I say firmly, aware he’s trying to manipulate me into crumbling and staying home tonight.

  I’m used to recognising this kind of behaviour. I get it with my clients too. We all do it to some degree, it’s part of being human and navigating our relationships. But if it goes too far and one person manipulates the other too much it isn’t healthy, because it results in people doing things they might not want to do. Therefore, I will go out tonight with my friends from work, and make it clear to Alex that whatever he says, that isn’t going to change, but at the same time that I’m not abandoning him.

  ‘I love you very much, but me going out isn’t about you and me, it’s about me and my friends,’ I explain.

  He doesn’t say anything, but his palm touches my cheek, moving slowly down my neck, softly slipping into my blouse. I feel a rush of lust, but I won’t be seduced into doing what he wants, and I gently take his hand from my breast and pull away, grabbing my folders and bag.

  ‘Babe, I will love you all weekend,’ I say as I pick up my stuff, ‘but I don’t have time for anything this morning.’ I turn to him and kiss him on the mouth, which he responds to with vigour, pulling me into him. Again, I carefully pull away.

  ‘But I won’t see you tonight.’ He sighs, leaning back against the kitchen cabinet, arms folded. He can be quite childlike, which is, at times, endearing – but not now.

  I stand on one foot, wanting to leave. ‘Look, Alex, I’ve got to go, but I will see you tomorrow, okay?’

  ‘You enjoy yourself,’ he says.

  But I know he doesn’t mean it, he’s pissed off with me – but I continue to the door, blow him a kiss, and leave.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  After leaving Alex in the kitchen, I’m in a bad mood all morning, totally consumed by our conversation. I’m confused as to why one minute Alex can’t live without me and the next he’s upset because it’s the anniversary of the day Helen walked out. I promised myself no random gossip today, I don’t have time, but can’t resist mentioning this to Jas at our catch-up meeting about Chloe. It’s all going round in my head and I want her detached take on it.

  ‘Do you know it’s their break-up anniversary?’ she says.

  ‘Well, I didn’t until he told me.’

  ‘I mean, is he telling you the truth? Is he just trying to make you feel bad about going out tonight?’

  ‘That hadn’t occurred to me. But surely he wouldn’t lie about something like that?’

  She looks at me like I’m stupid.

  ‘Yeah, you’re right, of course he would lie about something like that – he didn’t even tell me he was married.’

  She purses her lips. ‘I told you from the beginning, babe, don’t be so wrapped up you get blind to him. Before you know it, you’re stuck in a shit relationship – and I’ve got no one to go out with on a girls’ night!’ She laughs at this, but it’s true – on both counts.

  A few minutes later, after the meeting’s wrapped up and I’ve got off the phone dealing with a client who’s been excluded from school, Alex calls. My heart sinks slightly. I know I told him to call any time, but I’d also dropped a million hints about being busy.

  ‘Hey, it’s me!’ His voice is sexy and sweet and I find it immediately soothing. My heart is pumping again, as if just hearing him brings me back to life. I am so conflicted about him at the moment. It must be love.

  ‘Hey,’ I say softly down the phone, warmth creeping up my body, aware I’m caressing my neck.

  Sameera catches my eye and smiles, Harry glances over. I hope they can’t see from my face what I’m thinking.

  ‘I was just wondering,’ Alex says, ‘as we won’t be seeing each other tonight…’

  A loaded comment. I hope we’re not going back there again. I don’t answer, my silence, I hope, speaks to him.

  ‘So… as we won’t see each other until tomorrow,’ he continues, ‘what about lunch today?’

  I’m now going to have to reject him a second time in one day. ‘Oh, Alex, you know I’d love to, but I am so busy today, and I was late in this morning, so I’m playing catch-up. I’m going to be stuck at my desk all day, I won’t even get a lunch hour.’

  ‘You can’t go without a lunch break, you’ve got to eat something.’

  ‘I’ll grab something when I get five minutes,’ I lie.

  ‘Okay, see you tomorrow then,’ he huffs.

  ‘Yes, shall I come to yours first thing?’ I say brightly, trying to lift his mood, erase the sulky air.

  ‘If you want to.’

  ‘Of course I do,’ I gush, too loudly. Harry turns around and gives me a smile. I roll my eyes. ‘Sorry I had to leave this morning,’ I say quietly.

  ‘I’m sorry too – but it got to me, you know?’

  ‘I understand. But at the risk of sounding… selfish, it makes me feel a little insecure that you’re still grieving for your wife. The one who walked out on you,’ I add pointedly.

  ‘Hannah, you’ve nothing to worry about – but when I fall for someone, I don’t just forget them. I still have feelings…’

  ‘I know, I’m the same.’

  ‘You mean with Tom?’

  ‘Yeah. It wasn’t perfect, but like I’ve told you before, I still care about him – so I do understand how you feel about Helen.’ But I suspect my feelings for Tom never were remotely close to his feelings for Helen.

  ‘You wouldn’t contact him though, would you?’ Alex sounds alarmed.

  ‘God no,’ I say, reassuringly. ‘You wouldn’t contact Helen, would you?’

  ‘Not now.’

  ‘I’m glad.’

  ‘Yeah, and after everything, we don’t want her chasing you up the high street again,’ he says. I feel a slight shiver at the thought of her running after me, the sound of her voice calling my name. I can’t bear to think of what might have happened… what still might.

  ‘Babe, I have to go, but thanks for calling. I’ll see you tomorrow. Let’s make up over the weekend,’ I add in a small voice.

  ‘We’re good?’ he asks.

  ‘Yeah, I think so, do you?’ I hear the plea in m
y voice, recognising the necessary weakness that sometimes comes with love, to break down the other’s walls.

  ‘I know we are.’

  ‘Good.’ I sigh, able to breathe again now we’ve made up. ‘And, Alex…’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘For asking me to lunch. For caring if I eat.’

  ‘That’s because I do care. No one cares about you like I do. No one ever will.’

  On the surface his words are sweet, but there’s something about the tone that makes me feel slightly claustrophobic. Perhaps I’m just overtired, with a lot on my mind, and overthinking everything.

  I put the phone down, and try to focus on what I’m supposed to be doing, but thanks to Alex, I can’t concentrate on my work, and I’ve lost all enthusiasm for tonight’s festivities. I feel like shit. I’m only going out for an evening with my friends, when did this all get so messed up?

  About twenty minutes later, a call comes through from reception. Margaret’s taken the day off to do her Christmas shopping, so a young temp’s standing in.

  ‘Someone’s here, he says he’s your boyfriend,’ she says uncertainly.

  ‘Oh?’ Alex didn’t say he’d be calling in. Besides, he knows how busy I am, so surely he wouldn’t, but who else could it be?

  ‘Is he fair-haired, well-dressed? Did he give his name?’

  ‘No, he didn’t give his name, sorry. He isn’t what you’d call well-dressed though, more casual really. Anyway, he said it’s fine, he’s been before and he’s on his way up.’

  ‘It’s not my boyfriend,’ I say, and put down the receiver. Alex will definitely be in a suit for work. It couldn’t be him anyway. I just spoke to him on the phone.

  My stomach drops. It might be Tom. I thought he’d moved on, he seemed pretty laid-back when we met in Costa, but that’s what he does, plays it cool then pounces. By accusing him of sending the flowers and the nasty card I might have triggered something again. After all, he’s turned up here before, yelling at me about his job, and how I ruined his life. Jas told him to leave, but when he refused she had to take him to the coffee shop down the road and reinforce the fact that I am not the cause of all his problems. She has qualifications in all kinds of psychological matters and can get people to do pretty much anything – and at the time, it seemed she’d got through to him. But he still thinks I’m behind the email that was sent to the council, and it doesn’t matter what I say, he will never forgive me for that.