If I Fall

by Ella Harper

  ‘Who knows?’ he replied lightly.

  ‘Need to meet the right girl, most likely,’ David said. His eyes filled with trepidation as JJ grabbed some heavy-looking weights.

  ‘Yep,’ JJ agreed, knowing damned well that wasn’t remotely the issue.

  * * *

  When the session was over, JJ felt oddly deflated but he wasn’t sure why. He filled some time by going shopping and buying himself some new clothes, then eating a healthy dinner of poached eggs and spinach before meeting up with friends for a few drinks.

  ‘Hey.’ JJ’s friend Mikey turned up first.

  ‘Hey.’ JJ grinned. ‘Sit down, dude. I got a round of beers in so I hope the boys all turn up.’

  ‘Either that, or we’ll just drink all of them ourselves,’ Mikey pointed out reasonably. They chinked glasses and got stuck in. The others arrived in dribs and drabs and as often happened, JJ and his friends were soon approached by a group of girls. They started chatting and sure enough, one of them, a very pretty blond, made it obvious she was interested in JJ. Her name was Amy and it was impossible to deny that she was extremely hot.

  Once they had exchanged the usual pleasantries, JJ asked Amy what she did.

  ‘I’m a PA,’ she told him.

  JJ raised his eyebrows. Was that it? Usually girls were more forthcoming about their jobs.

  ‘I’m a personal trainer,’ JJ offered, since she hadn’t asked him what he did.

  ‘Cool.’ Amy ran a finger down the front of his t-shirt. ‘Shall we get out of here? I’m not really in the mood for talking.’

  JJ took a swig of beer and at the same time, took a moment. OK. So Amy wasn’t about the conversation. She just wanted sex. And he could. He easily could. She was lovely… Amy was lovely. JJ had no doubt that she was a fun girl with an amazing body who would be fantastic in bed. And they would probably have great sex and it would be either awkward or totally chilled in the morning, depending on Amy and whether or not she saw it as a one night thing or something more. But JJ was also sure that as a night, it wouldn’t essentially be any different to countless nights he had enjoyed before. And that wasn’t going to make the hurt go away and it wasn’t going to stop him feeling empty afterwards.

  ‘Actually, I’m going to head home,’ JJ said, making a decision. He put his half-finished beer bottle on the bar.

  ‘Oh.’ Amy looked blatantly disappointed. ‘Are you sure?’ She upped the ante and slid her hand down his t-shirt, heading south.

  JJ caught her hand. ‘You’re gorgeous. But I’m… it’s me. I’m heading home now.’

  Amy looked coy. ‘Is that the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” speech you just gave me?!’

  JJ laughed. ‘That makes it sound terrible. But in a manner of speaking, it actually is that, yes.’ He grabbed his jacket. ‘Because it really isn’t you. You’re lovely and I’m sure we’d have a great night. It’s honestly me. I… I just think it’s time to stop all of this.’

  Amy looked confused, but that was as much as she was going to get out of JJ at that point.

  ‘Guys, I’m off,’ JJ called to his mates. ‘Lovely to meet you, Amy. You’re beautiful and I’m sure I’m making a terrible mistake.’

  He gave her a self-deprecating smile and left, knowing that that final comment had been the only disingenuous moment of the night. Because JJ knew he wasn’t making a terrible mistake by going home and not taking Amy with him. He was breaking a pattern. Because it was time. Because JJ couldn’t deny how he felt and he was fed up with trying to bury secrets and heartbreak.

  Secrets and heartbreak, JJ repeated to himself. That was it in a nutshell. He had a truckload of both and somehow, he was going to have to deal with them.

  Connie

  Connie checked her face again in the mirror. She had piled on so much make-up, her face looked pasty and biscuit-coloured, but what choice did she have? Despite the enormous bruise spreading across her cheek, she was going out shopping with Bella and Hannah.

  Connie felt a sob rise in her throat and she squashed it down. She had done this before – covered a bruise Jonas had given her. She should be able to do this with ease, cover it and still look natural. But it wasn’t natural. It wasn’t natural to be putting concealer on with a trowel and wiping huge blobs of foundation over the top of that and blending like crazy. It wasn’t natural to cover that with powder and then be so paranoid that the bruise might shine through that she felt like starting all over again with yet more layers of make-up.

  Perhaps she should write a piece about it on her blog, Connie thought with a flash of irony. ‘How to Cover Bruises Your Husband Gives You’. ‘The Best Cover Up for Domestic Violence Shame.’

  Tears sprang into her eyes at that point and Connie gasped and tipped her head back.

  Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, she told herself. Otherwise she really would be starting all over again because her make-up would be ruined by streak marks, and she didn’t have time to put it all on again.

  ‘Mum, are you ready?’

  The sound of Bella’s voice on the other side of the door made Connie pull herself together. Dabbing the tears away and checking her face one last time, she opened the en-suite door and went into the bedroom she shared with Jonas – a large bedroom with a plush carpet and a good-sized TV on the wall. Connie had decorated it in creams and golds and it was a cosy, stylish room. It was immaculate; the bed was made, it was tidy and there weren’t any clothes lying around.

  In short, it showed no signs of the desperate discord inside their marriage, Connie thought sadly. But on the upside, JJ would be proud of her because no one was more anally retentive when it came to neatness than him.

  Bella was checking her hair in Connie’s full-length mirror. She was wearing tight jeans, a t-shirt and a black, cut-off fake leather jacket. She was all legs and hair.

  Connie watched her. God, but Bella was beautiful. Of course everyone could see that in their own children, but Connie was certain she wasn’t biased. Bella had something special about her. Hannah was pretty too, but Bella…

  Connie tailed off. Maybe she was biased.

  ‘You’re wearing an awful lot of make-up,’ Bella commented, turning around. ‘Why have you caked all that stuff on?’

  Connie felt herself flush, but felt certain it wouldn’t show under the thick biscuit base. ‘Oh, I know. It’s awful, isn’t it? I’m trying some new foundations and concealers out for a piece on my blog and I got a bit carried away.’

  Bella shrugged. ‘Oh, right. Yeah, don’t recommend any of that stuff.’

  ‘I won’t,’ Connie agreed, grabbing her jacket. ‘Your jacket is cute, Bells. Could I get away with that?’

  ‘No,’ Bella replied honestly.

  Connie smiled. Teenagers were nothing if not brutally honest. She touched a hand to her face. It hurt to smile, even. Which was nothing compared to how much this whole episode – and the previous ones – hurt inside.

  She and Bella got into the car and she went to turn the radio on, but Bella stopped her.

  ‘So, how did you feel when I was born?’ Bella asked.

  ‘What?’ Connie threw her a quizzical glance. ‘Where did that come from?’

  ‘Something we’re doing at school?’ Bella said, checking her phone.

  Connie reversed off the driveway.

  ‘So?’ Bella put her phone away.

  ‘Oh, right.’ Connie collected her thoughts. How had she felt when Bella was born? She tried to remember. ‘I felt… overjoyed. Tired. Fulfilled. Overwhelmed.’

  Guilty, off-kilter, tearful, she added to herself.

  ‘OK.’ Bella raked her hair out of her face. ‘And was I… an easy baby? A difficult one?’

  ‘You were an angel,’ Connie admitted honestly. ‘I wasn’t sure what to expect, but truly, you were easy. A breeze.’

  ‘Ha! I bet Hannah was a nightmare.’

  ‘A total nightmare,’ Connie nodded, feeling herself grinning. ‘You have no idea. The sleep deprivation was of
f the hook.’

  Bella pulled a face. ‘I can’t even imagine how I’ll cope without sleep. It’s one of my favourite things on earth.’

  Connie felt a flash of panic that was so acute, she almost forgot to indicate as she reached a roundabout. ‘You’re not… you’re not…?’

  ‘Up the duff?’ Bella looked appalled. ‘Mum! Seriously. What do you take me for? Of course I’m not. I’m just asking about stuff.’

  Connie let out a jerky breath. Thank God. Bella was way too young and she could only imagine the way Jonas would react if he heard news like that. Right on cue, her phone rang. It was Jonas.

  ‘I’m in the car and you’re on speaker phone,’ she said as she answered.

  ‘Please do not swear,’ Bella chuckled.

  ‘What?’ Jonas said.

  He sounded irritable.

  ‘Bella’s just joking,’ Connie said quickly. ‘How’s your day going?’

  ‘Shit,’ Jonas said, clearly not getting Bella’s joke.

  Bella rolled her eyes.

  ‘Why’s that?’ Connie asked, feeling queasy.

  ‘Just a terrible day. Everything is going wrong. Everything.’

  Connie swallowed a sigh. This was how Jonas was after something like this had happened. Aggressive, but with a defensive undertone. And she was never sure how to deal with him. Reason with him? Be sympathetic? Dismissive? Hard?

  ‘I need to get on with work,’ Jonas said, filling the gap Connie had left. ‘I’ll talk to you later.’

  ‘OK,’ Connie said. She didn’t feel sorry for him, exactly, but she knew this wasn’t who Jonas was. Even though this wasn’t the first time.

  ‘Speak to you later.’ Jonas abruptly rang off.

  ‘What’s up with him?’ Bella frowned.

  ‘He’s stressed out.’ Connie bit her lip and turned into the entrance for the car park. ‘I think he needs a holiday.’

  ‘Well, it’s lucky we have one booked, then. But that doesn’t mean he should phone up all grumpy like that. He sounded like he was annoyed with you.’ Bella sounded unimpressed with her father. ‘There’s a space, Mum.’

  ‘Thanks, hun.’ Connie parked absent-mindedly. She checked the side of her face in the mirror, paranoid the bruise might suddenly start showing. ‘Let’s go and have afternoon tea.’

  ‘Afternoon tea?’ Bella got out of the car.

  ‘Yes. Why not?’ Connie nodded. ‘Let’s find a table and text Hannah.’

  ‘Cool.’

  Half an hour later, they were seated at a table at a cosy little café which did a surprisingly good high-end afternoon tea. The table was soon laden with mini sandwiches of smoked salmon with chive cream cheese, parmesan and slow roasted tomatoes, and honeyed ham with mustard butter. Next to it, the cake stand was heaped with tiny handmade pastries worthy of the front window of a French patisserie, scones and an artfully-arranged pile of macaroons in spring colours.

  ‘Are you going to have champagne?’ Bella asked hopefully.

  ‘What, so you can have a sneaky swig?’ Connie grinned. ‘OK. I’ll order a glass.’ She just wanted to have a lovely afternoon with the girls after everything that had happened.

  Hannah arrived breathlessly. ‘Wow. That looks amazing. What’s that in aid of?’ She dumped her bags and sat down next to Bella.

  ‘Oh, just a little treat,’ Connie said, pushing the plate of sandwiches towards them. ‘Girl time.’

  ‘I’m surprised you left me anything,’ Hannah said, throwing Bella a sarcastic glance.

  ‘Oh do stop it, Han,’ Bella said, giving her a sisterly shove. ‘I don’t even like sandwiches much.’

  Hannah munched on one. ‘You’d like this one, Bells. Smoked salmon… delicious.’

  Bella reached for one then changed her mind. ‘I’ll try this veggie one. It has slow-roasted tomatoes, don’t you know.’

  Connie laughed at how middle-class they sounded, but stopped when the tenderness on the side of her face reminded her that Jonas had hit her. Again. God. She felt tears coming and worked hard to stop them. It didn’t work. She faked a sneezed and wiped her eyes.

  ‘You OK, Mum?’

  ‘Mustard,’ Connie mumbled. Christ. She had to be able to do this. She had to be able to turn this situation around. How, though? Positive thoughts? Positive thoughts about… Jonas?

  ‘Bella said Dad sounded really grumpy on the phone,’ Hannah said, interrupting Connie’s racing thoughts. ‘I’m worried about him. He hasn’t always been like this.’ She pulled a face and selected a pale pink macaroon. ‘Has he?’

  ‘Of course not!’ Connie sipped her champagne. ‘I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.’ And she wouldn’t have done, she thought. Not if she’d known what she knew now. Connie faltered, spilling champagne on her fingers. God. Was that true? If she had known what Jonas was going to turn into, would she have made different choices? Maybe stayed with…

  Her eyes slid to Bella and her thoughts tapered off. No use thinking about that.

  ‘Was Dad fun at university?’ Hannah asked with a mouthful of macaroon. ‘He must have been fun then.’

  ‘He was.’ Connie couldn’t help smiling. ‘He was so chilled out in those days. Full of fun. And really funny.’

  ‘Dad’s not funny.’ Bella almost took a pastry, then presumably thought better of it because she withdrew her hand and smoothed her thigh with it. ‘He never makes jokes.’

  Connie shook her head. ‘I don’t mean funny in that way. I mean… he was just… he had a really good sense of humour. He could laugh at himself. He enjoyed comedy. He could tell a story rather than a joke and make people laugh.’

  ‘How did you actually meet Dad?’ Bella asked, eyeing Connie’s glass of champagne. ‘In a lecture or something?’

  Connie realised she’d never really talked about herself and Jonas when they were first together to the girls. Which was probably a bit odd. She thought for a second.

  ‘No, I don’t think so. I think we met in the Student Union. Layla introduced us. I thought she fancied him, so I didn’t want to talk to him!’ She paused. It wasn’t just that; she wasn’t in any fit state to be talking to any man at that stage. Her heart was in pieces and she really couldn’t see herself meeting anyone else.

  ‘Eww! Weird.’ Hannah clearly didn’t share Bella’s concern over calories because she was laying into the pastries enthusiastically. ‘Layla’s your friend. And she used to fancy Dad?’

  ‘No, no. I just thought she did,’ Connie corrected her.

  ‘How did he win you over?’ Bella asked curiously, plucking a carrot sculpted into a rose from the plate. ‘By being, er… funny?’

  Connie smiled. ‘No. Not by being funny, Bells. I think it was actually because he was really kind.’

  It was an honest, if unromantic answer. She hadn’t been blown away by Jonas’s looks at first. Or his sense of humour. Or anything much in fact. But he had been incredibly kind to her and it was just what she had needed at the time. And then the romance had come later.

  ‘Sounds lovely,’ Bella commented, looking pained. ‘When I think about all the qualities my boyfriend should have, I’m not sure kindness is top of the list.’

  ‘Well it should be in the top three of your list actually,’ Connie retorted snippily. ‘At very least. Because it’s a bloody important quality. Bloody important. OK?’

  ‘OK, OK.’ Bella looked affronted.

  Hannah’s eyebrows shot into her fringe.

  Connie slid her glass of champagne towards Bella by way of apology for her stroppy response. ‘I just mean that looks and… and… sex appeal aren’t everything. Love, even. No, that’s wrong. You do need love. But kindness is an underestimated thing. Because when all that stuff fades, kindness is worth its weight in gold.’

  Granted, Jonas wasn’t being particularly kind right now, Connie acknowledged to herself. But it was who he was deep down. It was what had attracted to her to him all those years ago. When she had been at her lowest ebb, he had been there for her. He had
scooped her up and cuddled her and kept her sane and safe. He had charmed her with his clumsy, romantic gestures and he had won her over. She had slept with him sooner than she had ever imagined she might, simply because he had blown her away with his kindness and his good intentions.

  Bella took a sneaky sip of champagne. ‘But was he romantic, Mum? Surely we all need a bit of romance.’

  ‘He was, actually.’ Connie contemplated the macaroons before selecting a sky-blue one. ‘I was just thinking that apart from being incredibly kind, your dad was romantic. Not in a cards and flowers type of way. But with… cups of coffee in the morning, bringing dinner in. That kind of thing.’

  Bella let out a dismissive noise. ‘That’s not really what I’m talking about, Mum! I want the cards and the flowers. I get the whole cup of coffee thing, but I don’t call that romance.’

  Hannah shrugged. ‘I don’t know why you’re so worried about all this, Bella. Boys are stupid.’

  ‘Oh here we go,’ Bella smiled. ‘The boys are stupid line.’

  ‘They are, though,’ Hannah declared archly. ‘And smelly.’

  ‘Some of them are a bit smelly,’ Bella agreed. ‘But only until they get some deodorant and aftershave on the go.’

  Hannah shuddered. ‘I won’t give them the time of day even if they wear ten different deodorants. I’m going to get a good job and earn lots of money and not worry about boyfriends.’

  Bella picked up her phone and smirked. ‘If you say so, Han. Hold her to that, Mum. She’ll be going on about how she’s in love with George or Edward or someone in a matter of months, I should imagine.’

  ‘I will NOT!’ Hannah said loudly. ‘Tell her, Mum. I’m just not interested in boys and I never will be…’

  Connie smiled and tuned out their voices for a moment. Talking about how she and Jonas had got together had really brought it all back to her. How she had felt when they had met. How great he had been in the early days. How he had effectively put her back together when she had needed it most.