If I Fall

by Ella Harper

  Grabbing a kitchen stool, JJ paged through his messages. He started with Mark, who appeared to be excusing himself for not following through with Layla, but not really explaining what had happened.

  JJ frowned. He hadn’t felt great about Mark leaving with Layla last night, but he had hoped it would turn out to be fun for Layla. Mark was known as a player, but he was usually a gentleman, as far as JJ was aware. JJ had just been concerned that Mark might be a bit full-on for Layla, as he could see that she was fairly fragile right now. He had hoped it might be a confidence boost for her, but he hadn’t been sure Mark was the right person to provide it.

  JJ checked Mark’s texts again. Nope. He was none the wiser. Then he opened a long one from Layla, which told him everything. JJ was furious. Christ! Being let down like that was the last thing Layla needed. She needed some fun, for God’s sake! Not being turned down because she had a sick mother living with her. JJ made a note to call Mark later and ball him out, but he immediately phoned Layla to check she was OK. He tried to call a few times, but she didn’t answer and as he finished his protein shake, JJ received a text from her saying that she would call him later but was currently dealing with her mum having a meltdown.

  JJ sighed. Poor Layla. He sent her a sympathetic message back and asked her to call him when she had some time. And told her that he would smack Mark round the head for being such a prick last night.

  JJ flipped through to Connie’s text, aware that he had left it until last on purpose. It was short and sweet.

  ‘Back from hols. Not great. Meet for coffee?’

  JJ was taken aback. Connie rarely sent him texts and she hadn’t asked him out for coffee in years. Something must be up. He sent her a message back quickly, naming a café they both liked that was roughly halfway between their two locations.

  ‘Free for coffee today. Meet at the Dandelion in an hour?’

  Within seconds, she responded.

  ‘Am leaving now. See you there.’

  JJ headed for the shower. He had no idea what was going on, but there was no way he could refuse meeting up with Connie. He felt a mixture of excitement at seeing her and anxiety at what could be wrong. Wrapping a towel around his waist, JJ cleaned his teeth and slapped some aftershave on. He could do with a shave, but if Connie had already left, he wasn’t going to waste any time mucking about with grooming.

  Pulling on a fresh white t-shirt and some clean jeans, JJ found some trainers and grabbed his phone. He took a tube to the café as it was the quickest route and emerged into the daylight, wishing he had his shades with him. Arriving at the Dandelion, JJ spotted Connie at the back wearing a white top, a coffee mug in front of her. Glancing down at himself, JJ realised they looked matchy-matchy. Whatever that meant.

  ‘Hey.’ He leant in and kissed her cheek.

  ‘Hey.’ She smiled at him, but it looked forced.

  JJ sat in the seat opposite and scrutinised Connie as she ordered his favourite coffee from an overly keen waitress. Connie looked odd. Her hair was messy – pulled up in a hair bobble, with strands hanging down – but even though she had a tan from her holiday, she was wearing an awful lot of make-up. And Connie didn’t often wear make-up; she was a naturally attractive woman who didn’t go overboard with cosmetics. She looked rather thin, as if she hadn’t indulged on holiday, and she seemed edgy. She had bitten her nails, too, he noticed – she hadn’t done that for years.

  JJ wasn’t sure what it all meant, but it didn’t sit right with him. He shrugged inwardly. Maybe Connie wanted to boost her confidence… maybe there was another reason behind it. All he knew was that Connie didn’t rely on him for anything much. But she had called on him and he had responded.

  ‘So the holiday wasn’t great?’ JJ asked when Connie didn’t speak.

  She shook her head. ‘Have you heard from Jonas at all?’

  ‘No.’ JJ sat back and felt his mood shift slightly. Was that why Connie had asked him to have coffee with her? To pump him for information about Jonas?

  ‘I didn’t think you would have done, to be honest,’ Connie said, pushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.

  JJ was confused. What on earth was going on?

  ‘I don’t think Jonas talks to anyone. Which probably isn’t helping at all.’

  JJ frowned. ‘Helping what?’

  Connie bit her lip. ‘Things aren’t great right now. Between me and Jonas.’

  ‘OK.’

  JJ sipped his coffee. Layla had told him once that the best way to fill a silence was… with silence… because it often prompted the other person to talk and fill the gap.

  ‘We had a crap holiday,’ Connie blurted out.

  JJ put his coffee down. Layla knew her stuff.

  ‘In what way?’ he asked.

  Connie looked away. ‘It’s hard. I don’t want to say too much. I mean, I want to, but I don’t know if I can.’ She touched a hand to her face, then quickly took it away again.

  JJ wasn’t sure what to say to that. She wanted to talk, but she didn’t want to say too much?

  ‘Jonas is… really stressed out at work.’ Connie pushed her coffee mug away. ‘His boss Lukas called so often, he didn’t get much of a break during our week in Tuscany.’

  ‘That’s rough,’ JJ said cautiously. He decided to tread carefully in the hope that Connie would eventually open up. ‘Everyone needs a break, don’t they?’

  Connie nodded. ‘He’s at breaking point, I think,’ she confessed. Out of the blue, her eyes filled up with tears.

  ‘Connie.’ JJ moved his coffee aside and put his hands on hers. ‘What’s going on? Please talk to me.’

  ‘I can’t,’ she whispered, staring at his hands on hers. ‘I want to. I came here to tell you everything. I sent the text because I thought I was ready to talk. But now you’re here, I can’t do it.’

  ‘That’s OK. You don’t need to tell me anything if you don’t want to. If it’s not the right time.’

  JJ was so frustrated he thought he might scream, but he knew Connie well enough to know that if he pushed her, she would retreat. At high speed. He gazed into her eyes. They were a bright blue and they had always been beautiful, but of late, and especially today, they seemed sad. Wretched, even. As though Connie felt defeated inside.

  JJ wished he knew what was wrong. Wished Connie would open up to him. He desperately wanted to know what was going on, but if she didn’t feel ready to talk, how could he help her? JJ felt helpless. And it suddenly occurred to him – was anyone aware of the full story? Was anyone supporting Connie through any of this?

  He asked those questions.

  Connie looked evasive for a moment, then confessed that she had spoken to Layla about it.

  ‘Mostly because she arrived at a vulnerable moment,’ Connie explained, seemingly quick to explain how Layla knew the information that JJ didn’t.

  ‘That’s fine,’ JJ said, not feeling what he was saying at all. He should have realised that Layla knew; she had seemed secretive when she had mentioned Jonas and Connie recently. But he couldn’t help feeling that he should be the one to help and support Connie. After all, they had quite a substantial history and Connie must know that JJ cared deeply for her.

  Did she know that? JJ met Connie’s eyes. Was it more than that, he thought, feeling a flash of shock? Was it more than just caring deeply? Surely not. Not after all this time. But there it was again. That flicker of electricity. That suggestion of something between them that was tangible and undeniable.

  JJ wondered if he was imagining it, but he was sure he wasn’t.

  Connie tore her eyes away. ‘Can we talk about something else for a second?’ she said in a pleading tone. ‘Just for a second. Anything. Talk to me about anything you want.’

  JJ removed his hands from hers. ‘Of course. So… work is going well. Erm… Layla came out with me and some of my mates last night.’

  ‘Did she?’ Connie put her head on one side. ‘That’s good. She hardly gets to go out these days. Did she have fu
n?’

  JJ pulled a face and told her what had happened with Mark.

  ‘Oh, what a prick,’ Connie said, shaking her head. ‘That’s the last thing she needs. She was really smitten with that other guy too… I’m worried she won’t pursue it now.’

  ‘Alfie,’ JJ said. ‘I know. Mark was meant to be a trial run for her. A confidence boost. And look how that turned out.’ He rubbed his chin angrily. ‘I’m so pissed off with him. I’ll give him hell later.’

  Connie tutted. ‘Poor Layla.’ She fell silent.

  JJ wasn’t sure what to talk about next. So he said the first thing that came into his head. ‘I ended up outside my old house the other night.’

  Connie’s head jerked up. ‘Really? I thought you said you’d never go back there ever again.’

  ‘Yeah. I know. It was kind of accidental.’ JJ explained about meeting up with Dylan and ending up at the house after a walk to get some fresh air.

  ‘I mean, I don’t know why you haven’t ever wanted to go back there, but I know it was something bad.’ Connie’s eyes searched his face. ‘Something dark.’

  JJ held her gaze. Something dark. Indeed it was. His secret was dark and murky and seedy and vile. He remembered almost telling Connie once. He had let his guard down when they were together back at uni after some very tender lovemaking. It had moved him so much, it had made him feel vulnerable. And he had very nearly opened up. He had wanted to – for a good few minutes, he had really wanted to. But he had abruptly shut down. He hadn’t wanted to bare his soul and he had been irrationally furious at Connie for making him feel that he might be able to talk about the hideous secret he had been carrying around for years. They had split up shortly afterwards and it had been all his fault.

  JJ had been heartbroken. Utterly heartbroken. He stared at her now, in the coffee shop, remembering that pain. He had broken his own heart by walking away from Connie. He suspected he might have broken hers. She had sought solace (far too swiftly for his liking) in Jonas’s arms and he had found anyone… anyone who could take away his pain, if only for a few minutes. And he hadn’t stopped dulling that pain since they left uni. And when Connie and Jonas had married, JJ had given up all hope of finding love ever again. So he hadn’t bothered trying.

  But now, sitting with her in a café all these years later, JJ felt the same feelings rising up again. Feelings of loss and feelings of… love. Was it? Was it love? It was something, that was for sure. Something JJ hadn’t felt in years. For anyone, including Connie. What he had felt for Connie over the years had been a mixture of many emotions. Could JJ describe them? Name them, even? There had been… resentment and caring and dislike and lust and yes – hate. JJ wasn’t ashamed to admit it. There had been times when he had felt hatred towards Connie. For being the one person who had almost managed to get his secret out of him. The person who had made him feel vulnerable. The person who had made him feel love.

  Because that was the other thing he had felt – love. For the longest time, there had been love for Connie, and he had felt it. And right out of the blue, during this awkward, frustrating conversation with Connie, JJ realised there still was. There was still love.

  Christ. JJ stared at Connie. He still loved her. He was still in love with her. That was why none of the women he had messed around with had caused him to feel anything. Why he hadn’t been able to commit to any of them and why he hadn’t ever wanted to take things further. It was why he had continued to feel empty and unfulfilled.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Connie asked, looking concerned.

  JJ swallowed. ‘Nothing,’ he said. ‘Nothing’s wrong.’

  ‘Are you sure? You look all weird.’

  JJ let out a short laugh. ‘Do I? Sorry.’ Inside he was still reeling. Why hadn’t he figured this out before? ‘Another coffee?’ he said, doing that thing Layla had said about filling the silence by talking more. ‘If you want another coffee, I can order it for you. For us.’

  Connie checked her watch. ‘I’d better not. Jonas is at work today but he’ll be home soon.’

  ‘At work? On a Sunday? I thought I was the only sad bastard who worked on Sundays.’

  JJ was feeling seriously odd. He wanted Connie to leave so he could get his head together, but now that he had figured this out, he kind of wanted her to stay so they could talk more. Even if they weren’t really talking about anything in particular.

  ‘Anyway, is it that odd that we would meet up for coffee?’

  Connie looked as though she was considering the question. ‘I don’t know. Probably not. Maybe. I don’t know.’

  ‘OK.’

  JJ wasn’t sure what any of that meant. He met up with Layla fairly regularly and spoke to her on the phone. But maybe it was different with him and Connie. Of course it was different with him and Connie. He got to his feet.

  ‘Let’s go then.’ JJ walked to the door with Connie. He wanted to check she was all right. He would deal with his feelings and what he had figured out later. ‘Erm… are you OK?’

  She nodded, but her eyes looked teary again. ‘Yes. I think so. Ah, shit.’ She started crying and wiped her eyes. ‘Sorry. Thanks for the chat. Sorry I couldn’t tell you what’s going on. I do want to. I do.’ She squeezed his arm.

  JJ took her hand and held it. ‘It’s fine. I understand. I mean, I don’t, because I don’t know what’s going on, but I understand that you’re not OK with telling me whatever it is. Yet.’

  Even though Layla knows, he thought to himself, irritably. He looked at Connie’s hand in his. Wondering at how well it fitted into his. But maybe anyone’s would. Who knew? All JJ could think was that it felt right.

  ‘Are the girls OK? Bella?’ JJ asked.

  Connie took her hand out of JJ’s. ‘Kind of. Hannah’s fine. Bella… I don’t know.’

  What was wrong with Bella? JJ regarded Connie seriously. ‘Connie. What the hell is going on? Please tell me. I just want to help you.’

  Connie hesitated. Gazed at JJ. Then said: ‘Sorry, JJ. I can’t. I’m sure it will work itself out. Thank you so much for meeting me today. Sorry if I seem like I’m being dramatic. Bye.’ She kissed him on the cheek and left.

  JJ stared after her. Ran a hand over the back of his head. What the hell had just happened? There was clearly something very wrong with Connie. She had almost told him – twice – and then she had bottled it. And why was Bella upset? Did she know what was going on, or did she just suspect? JJ had a soft spot for Bella, always had.

  JJ started walking, thrusting his hands into his pockets. And what about him? What about his feelings for Connie? Was he right? Did he still love her? JJ stopped dead in his tracks, barely even noticing when someone bumped into him.

  He did. He still loved Connie. Jesus Christ and holy shit. What the hell was he supposed to do with that? JJ stared up at the sky despairingly. There was nothing he could do with that. Connie was married to Jonas. Jonas was one of his best friends. Even if they were having issues, JJ was certain they would work through them and stay together. Connie wasn’t the kind of woman to turn her back on a marriage.

  More to the point, this was obviously one-sided. Connie wasn’t in love with him, for fuck’s sake! She loved Jonas. So this was his, JJ’s, problem. Not Connie’s. She obviously had enough going on with whatever was wrong at home. He would simply have to keep it under wraps. Get over it. Move on somehow. Not with other women, because he had tried that and it hadn’t worked. JJ didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life but now that he had figured this out, he was in no fit state to be with anyone else for a while. And it wasn’t fair on anyone else if he was in love with another person.

  The only thing he could do was to focus on work and not think about it. His phone rang, jolting him out of his thoughts. It was him. It had to be. It was a different number because JJ had blocked the other one, but he knew with utter certainty that it was him. He sent the call to voicemail then blocked the number. Looking at his hand, he realised he was shaking. And it wasn’t just
his hands that were shaking; he was shaking all over. And he was cold. JJ was freezing cold, and he felt sick.

  He headed for home, feeling shaken up and off-kilter. Today had been a pretty bad day, all told. JJ just wanted the day to end and for all of this to go away. His feelings for Connie, whatever problem she had going on in her life – and definitely his dad. His dad simply had to go away. JJ couldn’t stand it if that bastard was back in his life. There was no way he could cope if he came back. No way. That would be…

  JJ felt nausea rising in his throat. That would be… game over.

  Connie

  The door slammed. Loudly. Connie jumped and stopped stirring the tomato and chorizo risotto she was making. Jonas was home. And he was early for once. Connie steeled herself. Was this just a normal bad day or had something else happened? Something terrible? Thank God Bella and Hannah were both at friends’ houses, Bella in particular. She and Jonas hadn’t stayed in the room together for more than five seconds since Tuscany.

  Connie heard Jonas storm upstairs and another door slam and she sucked her breath in and turned her risotto down. Christ. She realised she was gripping the edge of the kitchen counter. Because her nerves were in shreds and because she was bracing herself against what might be coming.

  Connie let out a jerky breath. She couldn’t carry on like this. It was too hard. She never knew what mood Jonas was going to come back in, what might make him fly off the handle. Connie put the kettle on then laughed at herself. How British. Did she think a cup of tea would make everything better?

  She wandered to the French windows and wrapped her arms around herself. It was a warm, sunny evening but she felt chilly. She thought about coffee with JJ the other day. It had been lovely to see him. They rarely chatted on their own like that, rarely went for coffee or had a meal together. Connie supposed it was because she felt it would be inappropriate to do that. To be on her own with JJ. It was why they didn’t really chat on the phone much or text one another.