If I Fall

by Ella Harper

  ‘Is Connie all right?’ JJ asked suddenly. He assumed Jonas didn’t know he and Connie had met up recently because JJ felt sure Jonas would have mentioned it by now. So as far as he knew, JJ hadn’t seen or spoken to her in a while.

  ‘She’s fine,’ Jonas said, his eyes sliding away evasively. ‘Why wouldn’t she be?’

  ‘Er…’ JJ pulled a face. Even just this bombshell must have been enough to send Connie into a tailspin. Let alone whatever else was going on.

  What was Jonas doing to her, JJ wondered? Maybe he was taking his stress out on her in some way. Was he rowing with her? JJ’s stomach tightened. He hoped to God it wasn’t something worse, because he would have to shake Jonas until all his teeth fell out if that was the case.

  ‘Well yes, me being fired was a bit of a shocker, I suppose,’ Jonas was saying with a huge sense of understatement.

  ‘Yes. How have the girls taken it?’

  Jonas’s mouth twisted. ‘Not great. Hannah cried and Bella left the room. But she always does that at the moment.’

  ‘Why?’ JJ was puzzled. He had always thought Jonas and Bella had a fairly good relationship. Not as good as Jonas and Hannah as they were so similar, but still. JJ had always thought they got on.

  ‘Doesn’t matter,’ Jonas said, his face shutting down.

  JJ scrutinised Jonas, wondering what was going on. ‘You can talk to me, you know,’ he offered. ‘I won’t judge you.’

  ‘No thanks,’ Jonas snapped. ‘I mean, thank you, but I don’t want to talk about anything.’

  ‘OK. Anyway, speaking of Connie, I was more meaning that she might be in shock at having to find a full-time job immediately.’

  ‘Maybe.’ Again, Jonas seemed defiant.

  ‘With a pretty good salary, if your boasts over the years are anything to go by.’

  Jonas shot him a withering stare. ‘I don’t “boast” about my salary, JJ. But yes, I’ve done pretty well over the years and I might have mentioned now and again that I’m proud of my achievements.’

  JJ sipped his beer. He knew what Jonas earned and could probably recite what his salary increases had been over the past decade. But that wasn’t his concern; Jonas had always been a bit full of himself. He was more concerned about Connie. She must be in bits, surely? Stressed out, at very least at what Jonas had dumped on her. Waiting for Jonas to go to the toilet, JJ sent Connie a quick text saying he had heard about what had happened and he suggested meeting up again for a chat. She sent a message back immediately thanking him and saying she would be in touch soon.

  Jonas returned. ‘So anyway. You’re looking at the number one house husband, JJ. I’m going to knock that “job” out of the ballpark. Watch me. Washing, ironing, cooking… I’ve got it all sussed.’

  Resisting the urge to slap Jonas hard for being such a dick and thinking that if he was going to be such a great house husband, he was probably due at home sorting out dinner for four, JJ couldn’t stop worrying about Connie. How the hell was she supposed to deal with this horrible situation Jonas had put her in?

  Connie

  Connie was busy firing off CVs to anyone she could think of who might employ a former journalist in her mid-thirties who’d been out of any kind of professional environment for ten years or more.

  Connie sat back and stopped sending emails for a moment. She should feel more stressed out than she did, but for some reason, she didn’t. She felt fired up. And in control. She had spent hours perfecting a brand new CV that made the most of her former skills as a journalist. She had added in vivid details about her blog and she had made as much as she could out of her role as a mother, turning the skills she had picked up over the years into attributes she thought might help different companies to maximise their businesses.

  She had written several different CVs, tailoring them to the jobs she was applying for. She was aiming at any journalism job she could find, obviously. But she was also presenting herself for high-end admin and office manager type positions because Connie knew she was extremely efficient and well-organised. She was a busy mum who also worked part-time; she had been on several school committees, had dabbled with the PA on and off and she had been a school governor at one time – a very full-on position that involved lots of paperwork and organisation.

  Connie felt furious about the way Jonas was behaving. He was acting as if he resented her for being a stay-at-home mum – when he had welcomed it in the early days. Connie knew that some husbands changed their view on this after a certain number of years had passed (she had several friends who had been shocked when their husbands had demanded that they find a job ASAP, out of the blue), but Jonas had always been more than happy for her to look after the house and children and to write her blog on the side.

  And more to the point, she had put in a huge amount of effort back in the day. She had worked and earned good money and then she had put everything she had into being a good mum and keeping the house running. She had sacrificed her own career to support Jonas and to have children with him. She had even worked for quite a while when Bella had been little, just to keep some money coming in. Did he even realise how hard that had been? Did he appreciate what it took to do that? Clearly not.

  Jonas had changed an awful lot, Connie decided, feeling her mood slump. She felt deeply aggrieved. Jonas simply wasn’t the man she had fallen in love with, not the man she had married. She had loved him for a very long time, but he had changed irrevocably. Connie was devastated that Jonas hadn’t been able to remain the good man he had been in the beginning. It broke her heart. She knew she wouldn’t even be thinking about JJ the way she was if Jonas was still the person she had wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

  Connie got up and made herself a coffee. Were she and Jonas totally broken? Was there a way back? She had felt differently about him since Tuscany. Was it because Bella had seen what happened? Was it the look on Jonas’s face when he hit her – the sheer hatred she had seen in his eyes? Connie had no idea. She just knew that in that moment, something had shifted. She had felt distraught, but somehow empowered. And she felt empowered now. About working again, about earning the money. About taking full responsibility for the bills and the mortgage. Although she probably shouldn’t, because she didn’t have a job yet.

  Connie heard the front door close and her hand jerked as it often did in apprehension, spilling her coffee.

  ‘It’s me,’ Bella called. Her voice sounded expressionless.

  ‘In the kitchen,’ Connie called back, hoping Bella would join her. She did.

  Connie looked at her daughter. She looked terrible. Beautiful, as always, but terrible nonetheless. There were dark shadows under her eyes, she looked pale and there was a listless air about her.

  ‘Bella.’ Connie put a hand out and stroked her face. ‘You look so tired.’

  ‘I’m not sleeping well. I can’t believe you are.’ Bella shot her a look of pure anger and disbelief.

  Connie leant against the work top and rubbed her face. ‘I haven’t slept properly in years, darling. Honestly.’

  Bella let out a shaky breath. ‘I can’t believe he did that to you, Mum,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t believe he… he… punched you in the face.’ She started crying. ‘It was horrible. The most horrible thing I’ve ever seen.’

  Connie pulled Bella into a hug. ‘I know, baby. I know. I’m so sorry you had to see that.’ Suddenly, it felt as though Bella was much younger than her fifteen, nearly sixteen years. As though she was a child, rather than almost a woman. She felt vulnerable and young and innocent. And Connie hated that she had had some of that innocence taken away by witnessing her dad hitting her mum.

  Bella pulled away. ‘It doesn’t matter that I saw you; it matters that he did it,’ she hissed fiercely. ‘And that he’s done it before. That’s what’s so horrible.’ She stifled a sob.

  Connie felt hot tears come into her eyes. She wanted to stop them, wanted to be brave in front of Bella. But she couldn’t. And once she started, she couldn�
��t stop. She felt Bella’s arms around her and she leant into her daughter, sobbing into her shoulder. They were both crying on one another and after a while, they both sank down to the floor and sat against the kitchen cabinets.

  ‘Sorry about that,’ Connie sniffed. ‘I haven’t cried like that in a long while.’

  ‘Really?’ Bella sounded surprised. ‘This is such an awful thing to live with.’

  ‘It is.’

  Connie considered what Bella had said. It really was an awful thing to live with. To be with a man she had once loved, who felt able to curl his hand into a fist and use all his force to smash it into her face. To use the back of his hand to send her spinning. To advance upon her with intimidation and fury in his eyes. For her to live with the fear of it happening again. For her to feel the love she had used to feel ebb away each time it happened.

  ‘Have you thought about leaving?’ Bella asked. ‘And if you have, just… just say. Please.’

  Connie leant her head against the cupboard. ‘Yes. I’ve thought about leaving. Many times. But every time I do, I think about you. And about Hannah. And about what your father and I once had. It’s so hard to walk away from history, Bella. When you were once extremely happy with someone.’

  ‘You can’t stay with him because of us, Mum. No way.’

  Connie smiled ruefully at the fire in Bella’s voice. She was so like her – the way she had used to be, at any rate. Connie felt overwhelmed. Should she even be sharing these thoughts with her daughter? It felt right, but she wasn’t sure it was, morally. But that was how she had been, years ago. Fiery, strong, brave. What had she become?

  ‘I’m not staying because of you specifically,’ she explained truthfully. ‘It’s many things, Bells. Many, many things.’

  ‘But… he’s not the same person anymore, Mum,’ Bella said, sounding earnest. ‘The way you said he used to be – that’s not who he is now.’

  Connie shook her head sadly. ‘No, he’s not. And it’s… it’s like a kind of grief, seeing someone you once loved so deeply change in front of your eyes. It feels as though that person has died, because they are so unrecognisable from the amazing person they used to be, they are actually someone else entirely. Someone… capable of terrible, violent things and inexplicably hurtful words.’

  Bella rubbed her eyes. ‘It makes me not want to get married. Not ever.’

  ‘Don’t ever say that!’ Connie turned to Bella, and it was her turn to sound fierce. ‘Me and your dad… we’ve had a very good marriage for many years. We have been very happy. I don’t know what has happened to him – maybe it’s the stress of his job.’ Connie swallowed, realising that Bella and Hannah hadn’t officially been told that Jonas had lost his job. ‘More about that in a minute. But what I’m trying to say is that there was so much love there to begin with, Bella. You must believe that. And for most couples, that love stays there. This is… this is just one of those tragic things that happens sometimes.’

  Bella turned her head, her dark hair falling to one side. ‘Doesn’t say much for the concept of true love, does it, though? That’s what I want to find.’

  Me and you both, Connie thought to herself vehemently. Seconds later, she was shocked that the thought had even come into her head. What was she saying? That Jonas wasn’t her idea of true love? That he had never been ‘the one’? Maybe he hadn’t. Jonas had been steady and reliable and funny and supportive and loyal, but Connie wasn’t sure she had ever been thinking that she was marrying the love of her life.

  On her wedding day, she had been serene and calmly happy. Not wildly excited, but settled and sure she was doing the right thing. At the time, she had believed that must mean that she and Jonas were meant to be together, but now Connie wasn’t so sure.

  That said, she wasn’t going to look back and regret anything about the past now. It was the present that mattered now, Connie thought. The present and the future. She had no idea what to do about that yet and there were other things to deal with first.

  ‘Your dad has lost his job,’ she told Bella matter-of-factly. ‘He was fired, for the record. And I’m going to be the one earning the money from now on.’

  ‘What?’ Bella looked stunned, then rolled her eyes. ‘I don’t even know why I’m surprised by that, really. He’s on some sort of self-destruct mission at the moment.’

  ‘He sure is,’ Connie said, thinking she should really get up and get on with sending her CV out to more companies. ‘But I need to get a job and sort myself out so the mortgage gets paid.’

  ‘And what’s Dad going to do?’ Bella frowned.

  ‘He’s going to do what I normally do,’ Connie informed her, not feeling remotely confident about Jonas taking on the role of house husband.

  Bella scoffed. ‘He’ll be rubbish at that! He doesn’t even know where the washing machine is.’

  Connie grimaced. ‘Well, he’ll have to learn, won’t he? He doesn’t have any choice. And neither do I.’ She touched Bella’s arm. ‘Can you be in the same room with him yet, do you think?’

  Bella thought for a second. ‘I don’t think so, Mum. I just don’t feel the same about him anymore. I know he’s my dad – and he always will be, but he hits you. I don’t know him. And… if I’m really honest, I’d rather you left him.’ She sounded emotional again. ‘I’d rather you left him and had a chance of true happiness with someone else.’

  Connie was taken aback. She knew Bella had been affected by what she had seen, but she hadn’t imagined for a second that her daughter would be advocating her leaving and starting again with someone else at some point.

  ‘What are you both doing sitting on the floor?’ Hannah said, coming in and frowning at them. She looked scruffy, as she often did after school for no apparent reason; all wild hair and messy clothes.

  So like her father, Connie thought to herself irrelevantly.

  ‘Talking about Dad being fired,’ Bella said before Connie could get a word out. ‘What?’ she said, shrugging. ‘Han needs to know what’s going on as well.’

  Connie bit her lip and shot Bella a warning glance. Bella gave an imperceptible shake of her head, indicating that she was only talking about her dad being sacked, not anything else.

  ‘What?’ Hannah was shocked and she let her school bag drop to the floor. ‘Dad got fired? Does he have another job? Are we going to have to sell the house? Will I need to move schools?’

  Connie got to her feet and started answering all of Hannah’s practical – and, typically for a child of her age, selfish – questions about the situation regarding money and jobs. ‘I’m sure Dad will speak to you about it soon, but for now, just know that I plan to go back to work.’

  ‘You?’ Hannah looked horrified. ‘But… who will look after us? And will people want to employ you after all this time?’

  Connie couldn’t help feeling amused. Hannah really did remind her of Jonas. ‘Dad will look after you. And as for me being employed by someone after all these years… only time will tell, won’t it? I’m doing my best and I’m confident I can get something.’

  In that moment, reality hit. Was Hannah right? Was she being naïve thinking she could get a job at this late stage, after such a long break? Would she, an ex-journalist mum, be seen as unemployable? Connie started to panic. What the hell was she thinking – that she could get out there and earn the kind of money Jonas used to bring home?

  Bella and Hannah started to chat amongst themselves about how everything was going to affect them, and aware that Bella was watching her beadily, Connie turned away and hyperventilated in private. The mortgage must need paying soon. Jonas had said something about selling some shares, but how long would that money last? How long did she have to turn this around? Connie badly wanted to show Jonas that she could do this, but she suddenly felt cold all over at the thought that she might not be able to pull it off.

  She went back into the lounge and picked up her phone. She had the strongest urge to call JJ. Almost touching on his name and number, Connie pulled
her hand away. She couldn’t keep running to JJ every time she went into panic mode. And would he even want to see her? He may well have a girlfriend for all she knew, a girlfriend who might not take kindly to an ex phoning up with her sob stories.

  Connie steeled herself. She needed to get a grip. This was her shit and it had to be dealt with. Jonas, the job, money – everything. Connie sat back down at her laptop and called out to the girls to do their homework before anything else.

  But as she tapped away at her keyboard, bombarding companies with her CV, for some reason, all she could think about was Bella urging her to start over and find true love. And whenever she thought about true love, Connie stupidly kept thinking about JJ. Which was pointless and soul-destroying. She clearly hadn’t been JJ’s ‘true love’. Otherwise he wouldn’t have dumped her back at uni to go find himself or whatever he had called it.

  Sleep around, in other words, Connie thought, her heart clenching painfully. And she was being ridiculous even thinking about JJ. She needed to sort out what was happening with Jonas before she did anything else. Jonas. He would be due home soon from wherever he had disappeared to.

  Connie closed her eyes. Could she really stay here and carry on? But… what alternative did she have? For now, she was stuck here, in this marriage, with this dilemma. And she couldn’t see how that was ever going to change.

  Jonas

  Jonas flipped through some recipe books. What should he cook later? He quite fancied making a lasagne, but he wasn’t sure if the girls would eat it; he was rarely home in time to eat dinner with them. Hannah had gone through a veggie stage, but he wasn’t sure if she was still in it.

  Jonas checked his watch lethargically and stretched out on the sofa. It was two in the afternoon, but he had plenty of time. He’d spent the morning lying in bed – in fact, he’d spent the past fortnight lounging in bed each morning and it felt bloody fantastic. Why shouldn’t he? He deserved a break and he was sure Connie used to lounge in bed when he went off to work. The girls were old enough to get their own breakfast and get dressed and Bella walked Hannah to school with friends, so that was taken care of as well. And everyone moaned about breakfast TV, but Jonas was loving it! Jeremy Kyle and that programme about the judge had kept him riveted of late.