Packed and Ready to Go

by Jacki Kelly

  I nodded, placed my foot back on the floor and shifted in the hard chair. Joe didn’t schedule this meeting to talk about our parents or to find out how Tracy was doing.

  “Anyway,” he continued. “You know we think highly of you here. This was a very hard decision. We’re going to let you go.”

  My stomach dropped. I straightened my back and picked up my pen. “Excuse me?”

  The incident with that woman a few months ago didn’t help your case. This is a small company, we’re like family. Your lack of discretion made the partners wonder about other shortcomings. They don’t think you’ll fit in with the path we’re taking for the future.

  “It’s not a reflection on how you’ve performed your job. Besides, we’ve decided to focus on emerging markets in Asia. With your knowledge and experience, you’ll find another assignment in no time at all. Of course you’ll receive the very attractive executive exit package.”

  “A few weeks ago you said you didn’t think I had anything to worry about. I’m forty-two, Joe. I don’t want to start looking for job.”

  He held his hands, palm sides up. “It’s out of my hands. But you have until the end of the month. I wish I had better news.” He stood up and walked back to his desk.

  By two-thirty, I was back in my office. I shut down my computer but didn’t place my laptop in my briefcase. After turning off the lights, I closed the door and walked out of the office past Beverly without a word.

  Chapter Twenty-Three – Tracy

  I bolted up in bed. Moisture pasted my nightgown against my back. I swung my leg over the side and studied my hands as a flood of memories rushed back to me. All mushed together in my dream was the bridal dress, the five-tiered cake, champagne, flowers, a bronze coffin and a skeleton.

  Separating Crystal’s wedding from my father’s death made my head throb. Every vision I had of my daughter in her beautiful gown was accompanied by a vision of my father in final repose.

  I heard Walter fumbling around in the kitchen making his brand of coffee. I jumped off the bed and dashed to hall.

  “Walter, can you make me some coffee too? I’m going to work today,” I yelled over the banister.

  “Are you sure you’re ready? You were pretty restless last night.” He walked to the foot of the stairs, still holing a canister of coffee.

  “I can’t sit around the house any more. Visiting my mother every day won’t help her to pull her life back together either. Yeah, I’m sure.” I couldn’t tell him I wanted to see Marco. The guilt of wanting to talk to Marco stabbed at my conscience, but I could squash the need.

  I showered as quickly as I could. My favorite pair of black Ralph Lauren slacks slipped on with ease. They were loose enough in the waist for me to grab a handful of material. They didn’t cut me in the crotch. Not eating for over a week agreed with me. I found a cream capped-sleeve shirt and pulled it on.

  I checked my image in the mirror and swiped my cheeks with blush. The puffiness under my eyes had subsided. Gone were the darkened circles that labeled me a tragedy. I looked normal.

  I wanted to talk to Walter before he left. He was a new man. Maybe one I could love again. When I walked into the kitchen he handed me a mug of coffee. “I expected you to take another week off,” he said.

  “I know, but what would I do?” I blew into the cup before taking a sip. He fixed it just the way I liked, mild and sweet. “You were my savior. I don’t know what we would have done if you couldn’t have taken off to help me and Mother.” I snuggled against his shoulder.

  “No problem. I love you.” He looked down at me.

  “My family kept you on your toes. There were times when you were gone for hours. I hope you got frequent flyer points for all those trips to the grocery store.”

  He set his cup on the counter and picked up his briefcase.

  “Hey, how about we reschedule that trip after I get my mother settled?”

  “Mmm, we’ll see.”

  “Don’t you still want to get away? Don’t you need a little rest and relaxation too?” I stroked his back and rested my chin on his shoulder. I could make my marriage work, if I just tried.

  “Yeah, but I need to get back to my desk now. Maybe in the fall. We’ll see.” He shrugged his shoulders to remove my chin. In a split second I was sent reeling right back to where we started to slip away from each other.

  “I really need to get away. Do you think we can do it in September or October?”

  “You may have to go without me,” he said.

  “Without you? It was your idea, remember? Your gift to me. ” I backed away from him.

  “Tracy, I lost my job. The last thing on my mind is laying in the sun, drinking sweet liquor.”

  My head began to throb. “What about all that talk about us being fine, Tracy? No need to worry, Tracy. Trust me, Tracy.” I was shaking.

  “Wasn’t I the perfect husband while we were dealing with your father’s death? I was by your side every single day. What do you want from me?”

  “What do you want, Walter? A medal? Do you think being a husband is a part-time job? Do you want time off for good behavior?”

  “I just need some time.”

  “Okay. Okay. I understand. I just thought we might want to stoke this special feeling between us. Besides, I need to rest and see something other than interior walls and sad faces. I’m falling apart. My dad’s gone, Crystal’s moving, Ursula’s left, and Carla’s so busy trying to make a baby she can’t see straight. I want to spend more time with you.”

  “Everybody wants a little piece of me. I’m being picked to pieces, Tracy. We’ll get away, when I get a chance. Now I’ve got to go to work.”

  “You’re being picked to pieces? By whom? I don’t think I asked you for much. I certainly don’t get much. So if you’re being picked to pieces, you need to be having that conversation with whoever is doing the picking. The little bit of yourself that you give to this relationship could hardly be defined as enough to cause you any discomfort.”

  “Well, I’m uncomfortable. I’ll schedule something when I see my way clear. Until then…” Without another word he walked out the door.

  My cheeks stung. I dropped the cup in the sink, coffee splashed across the granite counter. Where was the sensitive man who stood by my side last week? Where was the man who stood up in front of our families and friends a few weeks ago and professed his love for me, his sweet, endearing wife?

  I stared at the closed door for several minutes, willing him to come back inside and apologize, to hold me for just a moment. But his car roared as he backed down the driveway.

  A knot formed in my stomach as a familiar sadness settled around me. I reached for my purse and pills. I needed to feel better and little else mattered.

  At nine-thirty I sat behind my desk facing the dark computer screen while my computer booted up. Exhaustion filled my bones.

  “You have to turn that thing on to get it to work.” My breath caught at the sound of his voice. Marco leaned in my doorway looking like he just finished a magazine cover shoot. The argument with Walter faded the moment I set eyes on Marco. An ember of hot desire flared in my core. I was being silly, but I missed him.

  “Very funny,” I tried not to sound like a goofy teenager.

  With one quick stride he stepped into my office and gathered me in his arms. He smelled good. Without meaning to, I rested my head on his chest and let out a deep breath.

  He relaxed his arms and gave me a long look. “How ya doing? You look like you could use some coffee. Come walk with me to the cafeteria. I’ll treat.” He grabbed my hand and led me down the hall before I could object.

  “It feels good to be back in the office.”

  “You’ve been missed around here.” He looked down at me and I knew he meant he missed me. My insides turned warm, just like a girl with her first crush.

  “Yeah, right.” I nudged his arm.

  Sitting at the table with Marco brought me a level of comfort I hadn’t felt since Wal
ter told me about my father. Tears rushed down my face. He pressed a tissue into the palm of my hand, and then gently brushed his thumb over my knuckles.

  I wiped my nose. “I didn’t expect to see you at the funeral. It was nice of you to come all the way to Philly.”

  “I figured you needed the moral support.”

  “I was pretty much out of it. Did we talk at all?”

  “We talked plenty, but you weren’t coherent.” He chuckled. “It’s okay. I didn’t expect you to be your bubbly self.”

  “You think I’m bubbly? I haven’t felt bubbly in…”

  “You’re just going through a tough time.”

  I nodded and sipped my coffee. “Has your life ever been slightly out of sync and you haven’t been able to put your finger on the reason why?”

  “Let’s see, my wife and I spent a year going through the motions before either one of us would admit our marriage was over. Then there was the year we spent dividing up the property and deciding on how we’d share Briana before the divorce was final. I haven’t lost a parent, but I think some of what I’ve been through qualifies as being out of sync.” He rested his elbows on the table and leaned closer. The dimples in his cheeks deepened.

  “Tell me what I need to do.”

  “What’s wrong? You know it’s normal to feel a little out of sorts after the death of someone you love.

  “No, it’s not my father’s death. If that was it, I could get it right.” I shook my head. “I…I don’t know what it is.” I sipped my coffee. “Tell me something, Marco. Do you believe in happily ever after?”

  “I do. I absolutely do. My parents have been married for forty-five years and they still look at each other like it’s brand new. The next time around for me is going to be forever.” He punctuated his affirmation with a smile.

  “You sound so sure. I can’t even find a word to describe my marriage. I’m contemplating leaving Walter.” I swallowed. “Crystal’s not a little girl anymore. Maybe…”

  “Tracy, you know how I feel about you. I’m not qualified to give you advice. I probably shouldn’t even hear this or I might take advantage of you right now.”

  I rested my chin in the palm of my hand. “If I were going to have an affair, it would be with you.” I watched his face for a response.

  His smile broadened. “Si grazie. I’m flattered.”

  “Oh, then it’s on.”

  He laughed with me.

  We sat for a few more minutes before strolling toward my office. My mind didn’t feel as foggy as it had earlier at my desk.

  We made our way through the lobby and scooted around a group of gentlemen at the receptionist desk. A woman sat off in the corner with her purse in her lap.

  “Lots of visitors today.” Marco looked around the lobby.

  “Tracy, there’s someone here to see you,” the receptionist called to me. She pointed past the gentlemen gathered around her desk and indicated the woman standing with her arms beside her protruding belly. Fear inched up my spine, settling in my throat. Making it hard to breathe.

  “To see me?” I pointed at my chest.

  “Do you want me to stay around?” Marco placed his hand on my shoulder. His touch felt hot on my skin.

  My hands shook. “No, I’ll be fine.”

  He looked at the woman and back to me. “You don’t look fine.”

  “I am.” I nodded, hoping he’d leave.

  I held my shoulders high and made my way across the lobby. The woman pushed her purse onto her shoulder, exposing her round belly. She leaned forward, her fullness tightened my heart. I gulped for air. The sun from the palladium window slanted across half of her face, giving her an odd look. Several questions flitted through my head in the seconds it took me to reach her. Should I ask her into my office? Was she was looking for a job? Was she was a friend of Crystal’s?

  “Tracy.” She extended her hand.

  Her informality shocked me. “Do I know you?”

  “We’ve never met, but I’ve heard so much about you.” She sounded very proper, like she was giving a canned speech.

  I sat in the chair in front of her. Only a few feet of space separated us.

  “Do I know you?” I asked again.

  “I’m Sasha Samuels. Look, this is very hard for me so I’m going to just say what I came here to say. Walter doesn’t know I’m here.” She rolled her hand over her swollen stomach as if she coveted some youthful secret I was no longer privy to.

  “Walter? What does this have to do with Walter? Your name is familiar. You helped with the wedding?” I placed my hands at my sides, anchoring me to the chair. The lobby felt warmer. Hot. A feeling of dread pricked every pore in my body. The wedding planner never mentioned anyone named Sasha. The door in my head that kept all the scary things locked away flew open, spilling the contents on my heart.

  “No, it’s not that. He doesn’t know how to tell you. The stress is… The stress… Just a week before the wedding he was in the hospital overnight. The doctors said it might have been an anxiety attack. Look Tracy, this is Walter’s baby.” She rubbed her stomach again, her large engagement ring glittered. “You’ve got to let him go, but you seem to go from one crisis or family drama to the next. And Walter doesn’t know how to tell you.”

  My eyes were fixed on her mouth, but I couldn’t say anything. Words jumbled in my head. Every breath was a struggle.

  “We’re engaged. Well, sorta. But we do plan to get married.” She stuck her ring finger out for me. A diamond the size of a melon sparkled against the sun in the atrium. I looked down at my own ring. In comparison, mine looked like the third place prize.

  “Are you sure we’re talking about the same person? Walter Baptiste is my husband. He can’t be engaged.” My voice sounded far away and oddly calm.

  “I know it sounds strange. But he wanted to show his commitment to me, so he bought me a ring.”

  “Walter sent you to talk to me?”

  “No. He’s been promising to tell you he was leaving for months, but you…something kept coming up.”

  “So, this is his baby?” I pointed to her stomach.

  “Yes. He’s promised I won’t have to go through this pregnancy alone.”

  “Promised. Walter promise…” I suppressed the urge to laugh at the sublime absurdity of what was unfolding right in front of me. Walter had painted me as a woman moving from crisis to crisis. I wondered if he’d told her he was the architect of most of these crises. He just might have a few for her as well.

  A sense of knowing flowed through me, my instincts about Walter’s activities were right. That constant gnawing in my stomach had been my warning. Sasha’s confession punched a hole in my gut and dragged my heart out.

  She looked fantastic, her skin still plump with youth. “I guess you love him?”

  “Yes, I love him and he loves me. He really wants to be with me.”

  “I imagine he does.”

  She stood up. “So you’ll let him go? He wants a divorce.”

  “We’ve been married over twenty years. Surely you don’t expect me to hand him over to you based on this little conversation?” I waved my finger between us. “How about I have a talk with Walter and get back to you on that?” My tone was firm, matter-of-fact, just like hers. I spoke like a woman entitled to my indignation.

  “I hope you understand why I had to come here today.” She stood and the sun streaming through the window bounced off her diamond pendant necklace, an identical match to the one around my neck. My knees trembled with her truth. All the pieces of the puzzle nestled together perfectly.

  I squared my shoulders, mustering strength I didn’t possess.

  From the oversized windows in the lobby, I saw her hurry down the curved sidewalk. She walked up to Walter’s new Lexus and got in the driver’s seat.

  My chest constricted as I gasped for air. My legs went numb. But I made it to my office and fell into the chair. I grabbed my pills and swallowed without counting.

  My husband
had a family on the other side of town. I had a zillion different thoughts at once. The onslaught of emotion paralyzed me.

  It was almost as if I had been waiting on just this thing to happen. My world started to crumble months ago, but all I did was pack my bags and look in on them every day. What kind of lame plan was that?

  How would Crystal accept the news that she had a sibling who would be born in a few months? And in that moment I was thankful she was moving to New York. At least this way she would be away from some of the ugliness as it unraveled over the next several months and it would be harder for her to bond with her father’s new family.

  I was ashamed of myself for relishing that thought. It was as if my mind had been taken over by some unknown force. My life was disjointed. I was a stranger to myself.

  I picked up the phone and put it back on the base. I picked it up again and punched in Walter’s number, which was more instinct than anything else. I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. I hung up the phone and looked over my desk. It was nice and neat. Nothing was out of place. A message from the receptionist lay in the center of the desk telling me I had a visitor in the lobby. I folded the note and stuffed it into my purse and decided to take a few more pills. The other pills weren’t working. Maybe the longer you took them the less effective they became.

  My phone rang. It was Marco. Instead of picking up, I waited for him to hang up. I sat in my office for an hour, watching the minutes tick off. To numb to move. To numb to care. To numb to try.

  After several tries I managed to dial Ursula.

  “Meet me at my house,” I said when she answered the phone.

  “Why? What’s going on?” Ursula asked.

  “Just meet me, please. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  “Tracy, you know I just started this new job—is everything okay? You sound funny. What’s wrong?”

  “Call Carla too, she’ll need to be there.”

  “Tracy. Tracy slow down and tell me what happened.” When I didn’t respond, she said, “Where are you now?”

  “Mmm, I’m leaving the office. Call Carla. Call Carla.” My voice was calm, balancing the rage roaring in my head.