The Intern Diaries Bundle

by D. C. Gomez

  “Constantine, where are you?” I said to my headset. I was pretty sure that was not a recording. I got nothing back from Constantine, but I did spy our drone flying above us. I might choke that cat the next time I saw him.

  The crowd clapped and danced like Eminem was actually on stage. It didn’t help that right behind Constantine’s performance came Bartholomew with his half naked dancers. When had they lost their clothes? To make that float even crazier, Bob stood there in his military fatigues playing the drums and Father Francis pretended to play the base while wearing his priest robe.

  I shook my head. It was a scene right out of Wayne’s World.

  “Isis, six o’clock on the staircase. I found our princess,” Katrina said as she tried to make her way across the crowd.

  I looked over and saw a dark figure carrying the princess up the fire escape of the Perot.

  Things were not any better on our side of the street. Our new favorite guests were heading our way. The elves were coming on my right, and they were in full glamour. They had the crowd staring and drooling as they walked. Unfortunately, they were also armed for battle. On my left, I had the vampires closing in. I was glad they were far away because Katrina was right. I was ready to turn them to dust. It was going to be a race to see who got to the princess first. I ran across the street in front of Bartholomew’s float. Thank God Eric was driving and saw me coming. A quick glance back showed me Katrina had made it across the street, but she’d been stopped by two full-sized hell beasts.

  “Guys, we have a problem here,” Katrina told us.

  I almost laughed. That was an understatement.

  Katrina had picked up one of my machetes from The Camaro and was going to town. Too bad all she was doing was making the thing angrier.

  “Bob, we could use some help here,” I told him as I worked to get my scythe out.

  “We’re on it,” Bob replied.

  Bob and Father Francis pulled super soakers from behind the drum-set and lit the beasts up. The water hit one beast and the thing screamed and smoke billowed from it, but it didn’t go down. I had high hopes that the sight of a burning hell beast would scare the humans away, but no. They were clapping like it was part of the show.

  “Constantine, we need to get these people out of here,” I told him over the headsets. I knew he had eyes on us.

  “Too easy,” Constantine said. “I hope everyone has earplugs with them.” I had no idea what he was talking about, but everyone jumped on the line and said yes. “I did a few modifications to one of your songs, Isis. This should do the trick.” Constantine blared the music from the drone, the tune of Ludacris’s song, Move Bitch, get out the way, but with my beat for keeping people away.

  I wasn’t sure if that was the effect we were looking for, but all the humans started running in every direction like all hell had broken loose. Technically, I guessed it had. I jumped on the float to avoid getting run over. Even the dancers took off from the float. I had no idea where they were running to, but they were moving.

  “Guess that worked,” I told Constantine.

  As soon as I had a clear space, I ran across the street to help Katrina, ready to attack with my scythe.

  “Isis, get up there. We got this,” Katrina ordered.

  I looked up and realized our sweet little princess was giving her captors one hell of a fight. This was definitely not a ransom pick up, but a sacrifice. By the look of the fight, the princess woke up just in time as they were planning to bleed her to death. She was keeping both the guy and the knife he was holding away from her stomach.

  I didn’t have enough time to climb the fire ladder before Genevieve fell over it. I had a flashback of when I accidentally pushed Teck down the fire ladder in New York City. My heart stopped, and I didn’t know what to do. Before Genevieve became one with the pavement, she was snatched midair by something I couldn’t recognize.

  “What the hell? What was that?” I screamed to no one.

  “Isis, that was some form of hell-man,” Constantine told me. “You better hurry. He is heading towards Union Station.”

  Of course, he was. This night was making all my nightmares come true.

  “Constantine, what should I do about these two hell beasts?” I didn’t want to leave my friends behind, especially as two more beasts appeared.

  “Get my sister, Reaper. We got this.” Iason appeared on my right.

  “Not if we kill them first,” Arthur told Iason.

  I didn’t care who was going to kill what. I took off after the princess. This was the second time in one day someone stole that girl from us, and it would damn sure be the last time.

  “Constantine, warn the team at Union Station that they have company coming. I’m on my way,” I told Constantine as I ran down Main Street.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  After months of nonstop running, sprinting down a couple of blocks was no big deal to me. Doing it while holding a scythe was a different story. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t collapse the stupid scythe to pocket size instead of carrying it like a javelin. I blamed my high stress level for my lack of rational thoughts.

  I made it to Union Station to find Shorty and three other guys blocking the entrance for the beast. The beast was in the middle of the street with the princess over his shoulder. I looked around the area and I couldn’t figure out where all the cops were. We were downtown next to the police station, after all. I should be able to hit a cop by accident. Unless it was the fact that Constantine blasted my tune in a half mile radius.

  “Listen you freak. Drop the princess and you won’t get hurt,” Shorty shouted at the hell-man.

  The hell-man carried the princess like a sack of potatoes. She looked so limp and unresponsive, I hoped they hadn’t hurt her beyond repair.

  I wasn’t sure if man was an accurate description for that thing. He had wings, a tail, fangs, and really bad skin that resembled scales. For lack of proper words, I was sticking with hell-man. He turned so fast that he sent me flying with his tail. I had no idea that thing could be so strong. I landed against Shorty’s truck with a bang, and I was pretty sure I dented the poor thing. If this kept up, I was going to be bruised all over and I probably already had brain damage from all the hits to my head. I got up and faced the hell-man, who now stood between Shorty and me. At least I managed to hold on to the scythe when he threw me.

  “Did I hurt you, little Reaper?” the thing said to me. “You poor little thing. What? You don’t recognize me now? It has only been a day.” The thing actually cackled, and the sound echoed through the street. It sent shivers down my spine.

  I stared at the thing but couldn’t find any recognizable features. “We met somewhere?” I finally asked.

  “Oh, now you are hurting my feelings,” the thing said, mocking me. “You don’t recognize me from Hotel California.” The thing smiled at me and it had the most disgusting teeth I had ever seen.

  “Guess fresh air doesn’t agree with your complexion,” I told the thing. If he was one of Ralph’s people at the hotel, ouch. The good looks had completely vanished. Why would anyone agree to work for a demon to look like that?

  “Anyways, you heard my colleague. Drop the princess,” I said, not in the mood for chit-chat.

  “You are too late, Reaper. More are coming, and this bitch will die tonight. Our master Ralph will return to his rightful place and he will take us with him,” the thing hissed at me.

  “Who are you calling bitch, you beast?” The princess told the beast-thing as she came to life and grabbed his wings, twisting them with as much force as she could muster.

  “Ahhh,” screamed our favorite hell-thing. He lost control of the princess and she rolled off his shoulders.

  If Katrina was a super-soldier with killer tricks, Princess Genevieve was a full ninja. She did a quick combat roll, landed on her feet, and proceeded to deliver a round house to the head of hell-thing. I was pretty sure the hell-thing did not see that kick coming. He dropped to one knee and Shorty and h
is boys rushed down the steps to protect the princess. The hell-thing tried to charge at the princess and the boys, but I was on top of him. Before he could get up, I sliced off his head with the scythe. Ashes flew everywhere.

  “That’s what I’m talking about, boss lady.” Shorty came over and gave me a high-five. I returned it with a smile.

  “Are you okay, princess?” I asked my new favorite kung Fu warrior.

  “Yes. Thank you,” she answered, looking at me a few times over. “Please call me Genevieve.”

  “Isis,” I told her, and we shook hands.

  “Shorty over here with the triplets,” Shorty told her as he pointed at the three men behind him. I was wondering if they were really triplets. They didn’t look anything alike.

  “Thank you. You are one of Death’s Interns, right? Why is a Reaper helping me?” Genevieve asked looking around the place.

  “Because princess, you are in Haven and the boss lady over there is in charge,” Shorty answered for me. “Not to mention the boss lady is all about helping those in need,” he finished. He looked like a proud parent or maybe a cool uncle.

  “Really?” Genevieve asked in amazement.

  “Long story,” I told her.

  “Too bad you won’t have time to tell it,” a tall blond man said to us. He was standing with two other men, all dressed in very expensive suits. They came out of Union Station.

  I recognized these three from our visit to hell. They were also part of Ralph’s entourage. Too bad their beautiful features didn’t last long. In a matter of seconds, they morphed into a similar version of their friend. The sight of them disgusted me.

  “Gross,” one of the triplets said.

  I nodded and stuck my tongue out, acting like I might puke.

  “The price to pay for using the elevator,” the former blond hottie told us.

  “I’ll make a note to raise the fee for future travelers.” That stupid elevator was becoming a pain in my existence.

  “Oh no need. There won’t be a next time,” former hottie stated. “Give us the princess and we will kill you quickly.” His words slurred together, his new fangs making it hard for him to talk.

  “If death is our only option, we will go swinging,” Shorty told the former blond hottie. “Fire at will, boys.”

  “Guns? Please,” former blond hottie said. “Don’t be absurd.”

  I was inclined to agree with former blond hottie. I was pretty sure bullets were not going to help us now.

  I moved in front of Genevieve and took up my best fighting stance. The three former models turned hell-things walked towards us. Shorty and the triplets unloaded their entire clips on them. To my surprise, they actually filled them with holes. Smoke billowed out from the bullet holes and one of the hell-things got hit in the face a couple of times. He screamed mercilessly. I was pretty sure the former models were in more shock than me as they noticed all their injuries.

  I decided not to wait for their recovery and rushed them. Shorty and the triplets followed. I took out the former blond hottie by chopping his head off. His buddy on the left was next as I sliced him in half. It was probably merciful since he was screaming nonstop from his burned hands. The triplets shot the third a few more times and Shorty chopped its limping head off with a machete.

  “How?” I asked the boys.

  “Big Bob told me bullets were useless against a hell-beast, so we decided to convert,” Shorty told me, and the triplets nodded happily.

  “You converted into what?” What was Shorty talking about?

  “Catholic,” Shorty answered, sticking out his chest.

  Last time I checked, converting to Catholicism was at least a six-month process. We were obviously not talking about the same thing.

  “Shorty, I have no clue what that means. Explain,” I said as Genevieve joined us.

  “We asked Father Francis to perform a baptism,” one of the triplets said.

  “I’m baptized, and I still got tossed around.” What kind of holy water did Father Francis use on them?

  “Not us, silly,” Shorty said. “We asked him to baptize the ammo and the weapon. I figured if he can do the miracles with water, then lead should be about the same.” Shorty and the triplets beamed with pride.

  I was impressed. They were not helpless people, but resourceful soldiers on a mission. Bob’s training had paid off.

  “That was brilliant. You guys are awesome.” I gave Shorty a fist-bump and high-fives to the boys. I needed to tell Constantine that a raise was in order—or at least some medals.

  “I recommend you celebrate later. This is not over,” Death said beside me. I actually jumped and so did everyone else.

  “Death,” Genevieve said and bowed her head.

  “Genevieve,” Death said and bowed back to her. “I see you met my Intern. Welcome to Haven,” Death told the princess.

  “This is truly Haven? I thought they were joking,” Genevieve told Death. “How bad is it?”

  “No need to fear. We got this under control,” Death told her.

  I hoped she was right because five more model turned monsters were walking out of the station.

  “We are changing the access code to that elevator and raising the entrance fee,” I told Death.

  “That’s a great idea,” Shorty told me.

  “Boatman will take care of it tomorrow,” Death told me. “Unfortunately, it’s Halloween and too many rituals are taking place to give easy access to these men,” she finished, looking at the group with pity in her eyes.

  “Wait. People are trying to summon those things?” I asked Death. What the heck had happened to humanity?

  “Their followers are paying for passage.” Death pointed as three more arrived.

  “I hope you have a plan,” I told Death. We were outnumbered, and I didn’t know how many bullets Shorty and the triplets had left.

  “You need to get Genevieve to Reapers. She will be safe there until morning,” Death told me. “The rest of us will cover you.” Death stepped in front of us and cracked her knuckles.

  “You know what will happen if you attack us,” the leader of the hell boys told Death.

  “Oh, little one. You broke the rules of Haven by having your beast attack my Intern,” Death replied with such a sweet voice. Good to know that beating up the Intern was not allowed. “I’m only enforcing the law. You should have stayed in hell.” Death’s voice was cold and ruthless when she finished. I was afraid of her in that moment.

  “You have condemned this town to die. We will destroy it all to get what we want,” the leader told Death.

  “You have one night to try to get it done, but first you have to go thru me,” Death finished with a smile. “Isis, when I give you the signal, go,” she told me as she stared down the hell-things.

  “Okay,” I said, looking around frantically. “Shorty, I need your truck,” I told him. It was probably a horrible idea, but if the princess died here, hell itself would open up on us.

  “Boss lady, get to Reapers and don’t look back,” Shorty told me as he tossed me his key.

  “Thank you,” I told him and grabbed Genevieve. I really didn’t want to leave them.

  “Boss lady, focus,” Shorty told me. “We got this.” Shorty faced a platoon of demons and he was sure they had things under control? God, I wished I had his spirit.

  I gave him a nod.

  “When Death gives the word, you climb in and stay low to the floor board. Got it?” I said.

  “I can fight,” she replied.

  “Yes, and so can I. But you heard Death. That is not our mission,” I told her, and she understood.

  “Now kids. This is your last chance. Head home or pay the consequences,” Death announced to the hell boys. None of them moved. “I tried,” Death said as she took a deep breath.

  Death raised her hand and blew a fine powder in the direction of the hell boys. Two got covered in the weird mist. They tried to shake it off, but the powder stuck all over them.

  “Go
od bye,” Death told the two hell boys as she made a fist and crushed the two into ashes. “Isis, now,” Death told me.

  Genevieve and I ran to the truck and climbed in as quickly as possible. Fortunately, Shorty’s truck was an automatic and easy to drive.

  “Shorty, clear a path for them,” Death ordered Shorty.

  Hell boys were coming from every direction. Death made a scythe out of thin air. Unlike mine that was silver, Death’s was bright gold like it was made of pure light. There were too many bad guys, though. I really didn’t have a clue how we were going to get away.

  “Arthur, you take the right side, Iason go left,” I heard Bob giving orders from my headset. An army of deadly elves and vampires were charging to Death’s aid.

  “What took you so long?” Shorty asked Bob.

  “Those stupid hell beasts just kept coming,” Bob replied, pulling a machete out.

  I tried to maneuver the truck, but we were stuck between allies and enemies. This was turning ugly. I heard a thump behind us and two hell boys landed on the bed of the truck.

  “Damn,” I yelled. Before I could do anything, I saw Katrina running at us at top speed.

  Katrina jumped on the hood of the truck and somersaulted towards the bed. She had two machetes in her hands. I turned in time to see her delivering one huge beating to the hell boys right before they started smoking. I was trying to drive, but we were moving too slowly. To make my job even better, two hell beasts blocked my way.

  “Isis, hit the gas. We’ll cover you,” Bartholomew said over the headset.

  I turned around to find him and Father Francis waving at me from the bed of the truck. Katrina had dispatched the two hell boys and was leaning on the side of the truck, daring anyone to jump in.

  “Baby girl, send them back to hell. We got you,” Katrina told me, tapping the side of the truck.

  I made the sign of the cross and prayed to God I didn’t get us all killed. I hit the gas and channeled my inner Shorty. The beast launched at us and the boys hit them with holy water before they reached the truck. The beast jumped to the side, avoiding the water. We didn’t have time to slow down because I had my foot to the gas pedal as far as it would go.