Moore than a Feeling

by Julie A. Richman

  Serious?

  I’m as serious as a bottle of Jack.

  Hahaha. I think your dad had a better idea with the stuff he was drinking. But yeah, I’d love to. I can come out over the weekend, but I can’t actually stay for the 4th. I’m working.

  A gig??? ☺

  Ha ha. I wish. Client is doing a system upgrade and they chose the 4th because staff wouldn’t need access to work files. So I get to babysit the process. Big fun.

  Well come before that.

  I can come out on the 1st, leave on the 3rd.

  Awesome. I’ll already be out there. Let me know what ferry you’re on and I’ll meet you when you get in.

  You just made my day. And my weekend.

  “I need to go shower and meet Pierce’s ferry. He gets in at 3:10,” Holly announced, sticking her Kindle in her beach bag, and getting up from her turquoise-and-white-striped beach chair. Lost in afternoon naps and books, headphones on, no one actually acknowledged what she had said.

  Seeing movement out of the corner of his eye, Schooner pulled out a wireless earbud and turned to Holly. “You off to meet Pierce?”

  She laughed. “Yes. We’ll be back in a little bit.”

  Nodding, he put his earphone back in, his attention immediately refocused back on his book. Standing there for a moment before walking back to the house, Holly took in the afternoon haze on the horizon, lazily lounging on the water, the way the Moores did on the sand. Smiling to herself, she thought her family was in their afternoon haze, everyone so relaxed from the sun and salt air, a sandcastle her dad had built with Natie and Po in ruins, a victim of the relentless surf.

  He was right, she thought, walking to the house. Her dad was usually right, though. Being out here and not letting the fear of seeing Aiden dictate her plans made her feel stronger, as if she were propelling herself out of limbo, where she’d been held hostage for over a year now. Over a year. That was a sobering thought. A year of her life. First hiding all grieving and feelings by burying them in a relationship with Tom. Looking back, that even seemed crazy to her now. And then finally nursing a broken heart, that she hadn’t given the intensive care it desperately needed after their breakup. But these last few days out at the beach had been healing, surrounded by those who loved her and made her laugh, she felt like herself for the first time in way too long.

  The crowd thickened as she approached town, slow-walking groups of friends and families, meandering along the narrow pavement. It was amazing to watch the population swell from just a normal summer weekend out here, which was filled with weekend warriors, to the holiday weekend crowd, where half of Manhattan seemed to descend on the tiny sandbar island. Laughing to herself as she walked, leave it to Seth to make sure, way back in early May, that they’d had restaurant reservations through Labor Day weekend. That man could organize anyone’s life. And right now, she was glad as she thought how long all these people were going to have to wait to eat dinner tonight, if they could actually get in at any of the handful of restaurants in town.

  Glancing at her watch as she approached Bayview Walk, she had twenty minutes to kill until Pierce’s ferry arrived. The shops were all packed, overflowing onto the streets. Who were these people? Go to the beach, she wanted to scream at them all. It’s a perfect day, great breeze, awesome waves. What are you people doing shopping? If you’re going to do that, you all need to go back to Manhattan.

  Ah, a friendly face, finally. Holly could see Billy on the far side of Bayview Walk, just past Ocean Beach Trading and headed toward him. As she moved past a slow-moving group of tourists, she felt the stab in her chest, and simultaneously, an invisible plastic bag descended quickly, shrouding her head as it was tightly bound around her neck, cutting off all air. Stopping in her tracks, she bent forward, grabbing her thighs just above the knees and reminded herself to breathe until the panic subsided. Straightening up, she saw Billy was still there. Thank God.

  And this time, it wasn’t a mirage.

  Stunned, even though she’d played out this scene in her head a million times, over what seemed like a thousand lonely nights where she saw him standing in almost the exact same spot. This time it was no illusion, though, as she stood motionless, initially unable to move from her spot, and shivered, the chills embarking on a trail through the hair on her arms, rustling them from their usually prone position.

  Taking a deep breath, Holly slammed all the insecurities of the past months to the pavement under her feet, stomping on them as she cut a determined path to the center of the thoroughfare, stepping in front of Billy, where she now stood toe to toe with the over-a-year-long, sole obsession of her thoughts, fantasies, and dreams. Engrossed in conversation, he never saw her approaching.

  In all her reveries, never did she react the way she did now, surprising herself, and him, as she wrapped her arms around the man she loved, the man she lost, and held onto him as tightly as she could, burying her face into his shirt, and hugging him, whether he wanted to be hugged or not.

  Breathing in deeply, the first thing to hit her limbic system, unleashing flashes of memory, was the slightly musky scent of his skin. My Aiden was the accompanying thought entering her brain, as she tightened her hug even more. New detergent, was the second thought, followed by new detergent equals new girlfriend.

  “Holly, what are you doing?” his voice was gruff, clearly caught off guard.

  “I’m hugging you, Aiden.” Her face was still pressed to his chest. “Whether you want me to or not. I’m hugging you.”

  “Holly…” his tone was pleading, as he stood there, arms hanging at his sides.

  “What?” She held on tightly, not ready to look up and lose the familiar feeling of him in her arms.

  “Holly…” he repeated.

  Finally loosening her hold, she leaned back to look up at him, her body still pressed against his. She noticed he made no move to sever their body contact as she took in the new landscape of his face. Reaching up, he stopped her hand before it made it to his cheek and held it mid-air.

  “I don’t want you feeling sorry for me.”

  “Feel sorry for you?” She looked at him as if he’d uttered gibberish. “Screw that — I feel sorry for me, you dumped me, and you broke my heart. No way do I feel sorry for you.”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but then processed what she had said, realizing it wasn’t the reaction he thought she would have.

  And Holly didn’t wait for him to utter a sound before continuing. “There’s never been a day, since the day you said goodbye, that I haven’t thought of you, wondered where you are, if you’re okay, what you are thinking, or if anything reminds you of me. Of us. Ever.” Her voice, just more than a whisper, tensed. “Does it, Aiden? Do you ever think of me? Of us?” It was time to say her peace. The obsessive, pent-up thoughts tumbled off her tongue.

  His hand tightened around hers, still suspended mid-air, their eyes remaining locked. Riveted, he found himself staring into a kaleidoscope that rapidly swept through every emotion he had felt since he had told her goodbye, except they weren’t his emotions, they were hers. The prevalent one being pain, her pain, deepening his own.

  “Why do you care whether or not I think about us, you’ve got a boyfriend.”

  Shocked. What? And then it dawned on her. Pierce. He knew the word would get around.

  But even more shocking was that this was the first thing Aiden said to her. Umm, jealous much? Perfect. You’re only jealous if it’s someone you want. Holly’s heart exploded with joy. This can definitely be fixed, she thought. He feels it, too.

  “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

  “Bun Man.” He didn’t hide his animosity.

  Bun Man.

  She could feel the corners of her mouth twitching as she fought back a smile. “This is Fire Island, Aiden. Don’t believe everything you hear.”

  “Okay, Malibu Barbie, get your nasty claws off my man.”

  Both Holly and Aiden jumped as the woman yanked Holly’s arm, tearing her han
d out of Aiden’s. Neither had seen her approach.

  Face to face. And this is why I was dumped? Could she be any more different than me? were Holly’s initial thoughts, followed by, That’s a lot of eye make-up for the beach. Holly looked down at her arm where the woman had grabbed her and then up at the woman, dismissing her the next second as she turned back to Aiden.

  “Janine, it’s okay.” Aiden held up a hand, indicating she should stand down.

  “No. It is not okay. Back the fuck off, bitch.”

  Continuing to ignore her, Holly reached up to Aiden’s cheek again, this time his hand was too late, covering hers after she had already begun to softly run her thumb over the scars and dimpled flesh of what appeared to be skin grafts.

  Her voice hitched as she muffled down a sob, a single tear breaching her lashes. “You should have called.”

  Taking her hand from his face, he moved them both to her cheek, gently using his thumb to wipe away her lone tear. Closing her eyes, Holly leaned into his touch. In that moment, there was nothing but that small point of connection, no Fire Island, no tourists, no girlfriend, no scars, and for one brief second, it all faded into a blurred, impressionistic background.

  With arms crossed over her chest, Janine drummed her impossibly long, curved fingernails against her own upper arms. Watching Aiden wipe Holly’s tear, Janine reached her tipping point. Her right hand lashed out in a claw-like manner, yet again pulling Holly’s hand from Aiden’s.

  Shaking her off, Holly glared at the woman, but didn’t utter a word, then momentarily turned her attention back to Aiden, before looking back to the woman again for a long, hard second. Finally, turning back to Aiden, she held his gaze for a brief second.

  She didn’t speak to him either. She didn’t need to. The silence clearly enunciated her point.

  As Holly turned and walked away, Aiden could hear her voice in his head saying, “You’ve got to be kidding.”

  She didn’t look back.

  “Are you okay?” were Pierce’s first words when he debarked the ferry.

  “Yes. No.” Without another word, she steered him by the arm, negotiating them away from the tourists crowding Bay View Walk, and veered down a side alley.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I just saw Aiden. And met my replacement.”

  “And?” Pierce was dying for more details.

  “And he knows about you. He brought you up.”

  “Awesome. I knew that would somehow make its way back to him.” Pierce looked pleased with himself. “You do realize that is a good thing. If he’s hitting you with that, he is not emotionally detached from you.”

  “I thought the same thing, but it’s good to hear it from you. To get a guy’s perspective. Plus, I’m a little too close to it to see things clearly.”

  “When you don’t care, you’re not jealous. Honestly, you wanna know what we think?”

  Holly nodded.

  “We think, ‘Great, she’s got a new dude, now I know she won’t be bothering me. Thanks, Bro.’ That’s what we’re thinking. But if another guy coming into the picture bothers you, you’d better figure out how to get her back. Trust me, no guy wants another guy nailing his woman. We get really territorial that way.”

  “You sound just like my brother. He’s always saying almost the exact same thing.”

  Walking into the beach house, Pierce was greeted like a long-lost son. How did this happen? Holly wondered. He gets treated like family already.

  Stepping into the kitchen area to see Mia, Holly shared her news. “I saw Aiden.”

  “Oh my God, he’s here this weekend?”

  Hearing Mia’s voice, Schooner looked at them from across the room, and seeing Holly’s face, made his way over to the two women.

  “Aiden’s out here?” Schooner’s voice was calm, the muscles in his face told a different story.

  “Remind me not to piss off your father,” Pierce whispered to Zac.

  “He tends to be a tad overprotective.”

  “Yes, Aiden is out here,” Holly addressed the whole room so that she would only have to repeat it once. “And so is his girlfriend.”

  “How is he? Is he okay?” Mia asked.

  “He’s obviously been through an ordeal.” Her eyes filled just verbalizing what she’d witnessed.

  “Not to slight Aiden and all he’s done for this country, but let’s get to the thing everyone in this room wants to know.” Pausing, Seth dipped his head, giving Holly a look, punctuating the moment. “The girlfriend. What’s she like?”

  “Umm,” Holly struggled, appearing to start a sentence several times, only to change her mind.

  “Come on, you’re more dramatic than us old queens,” referring to himself and Henry.

  Finally, Holly smiled. “Okay, Seth, I really don’t want to be ugly…”

  “Do you have a choice?”

  “No,” she shook her head. “That witch called me Malibu Barbie.”

  “And what did you call her back?” Seth was now an incensed queen.

  “I don’t think I called her anything. I did not say a single word to her. What do you say to someone with, as you would call it, 90’s bridge and tunnel hair, purple eye shadow, and claw nails. I just looked at her and then turned back to Aiden.”

  “I’d call that unfuckable.” Zac smiled at his sister.

  “Umm, we have little ones here,” Mia reminded him.

  Zac laughed, “Sorry, but I was overcome by that description.”

  “Malibu Barbie, my ass. You’re like Grace Kelly.” Seth was still stewing over the insult.

  “Are they out here for the weekend?” Mia asked.

  “I don’t know. We really didn’t talk. Well, I talked and did a mini-unload on him. And then his girlfriend showed up and yanked my hand out of his.”

  “What did he do when she did that?” Schooner wasn’t pleased Aiden would let anyone treat Holly poorly.

  “She told me to get my hands off him and he told her it was okay. It all happened really fast.”

  “And he even brought me up,” Pierce chimed in from the couch. “Thought I was Holly’s new boyfriend.”

  Mia smiled, “Ooo, I love a jealous guy.”

  “Lennon or Ferry?” Schooner asked his wife.

  Smiling, “You know we are the only two people in the room who get that, don’t you?” she answered her husband.

  “Umm, musician in the house.” Pierce chimed in again. “And I’m a purist. So, I say Lennon. And, Holly, you have the coolest parents who make the best musical references. I want to be adopted by them.”

  “Stay a few more weekends and they’ll have the papers drawn up.” She laughed.

  “Maybe they were just day-tripping,” surmised Pierce as Holly walked with him to the ferry two days later.

  He, Holly, Zac, and Lily had been out partying all weekend and there had been no sightings of Aiden and Janine, not in the restaurants or the clubs and not down at the beach. He was curious to check out the guy who held Holly’s heart captive, but they never crossed paths with him.

  “You know you’ve friend-zoned me. And I’m really not used to women doing that.” He shoulder-butted Holly as they walked. “But you know what?”

  “What?”

  “It’s really nice to have a lady friend where we actually are friends and there’s no overtones lurking around that make you wonder. It really takes a lot of pressure off. Know what I mean?”

  “I do. And I think that is why I feel so comfortable with you. You know how much I love getting your perspective on things.” They continued to walk, a smile breaking out on Holly’s face, exposing her amusement at the thought running through her head.

  “What? What are you thinking? ʼFess up, woman.”

  “I’m thinking about what a chick magnet you are and how many women you must have slept with in your life.” They had been over at the Schooner Inn the night before and the minute they walked through the door of the crowded bar, Pierce was surrounded both by women who
had seen him play there, and others who were setting their eyes on him for the first time.

  Nodding, Pierce tried to suppress a smile, “Well, friend, if I’m being truthful, a ridiculous amount. I’ve heard the word manwhore bandied about on more than one occasion.”

  “That’s hysterical.” They turned onto Bay View Walk.

  “Not to the women I’ve been involved with,” he admitted.

  “Like the one who was at Jenna’s party?”

  “That was the universe telling me to keep my dick in my pants.”

  “Well, have you listened to the universe.”

  “Like most men, I’m a terrible listener.” He laughed, thinking about the phone numbers he’d gathered the night before.

  “So, am I cramping your style here?”

  “Bun Man says no.” He smiled, shaking his head. “You and your family have provided some much-needed balance in my life. I really appreciate being asked out here.”

  Arriving at the packed ferry terminal, Holly looked around at the crowd, scanning quickly for Aiden. “I wish you could stay for the 4th. My father is really spectacular with a grill. One of his many talents.”

  “Hey, if I could’ve snuck one of those tomahawk ribeyes and a lobster into my bag…” he kidded. “He was so serious making his secret marinade.”

  Holly laughed. “He is a bit intense,” she said lovingly.

  Looking at the line moving onto the ferry, “Okay, looks like we’re boarding.” Pulling Holly in for a hug, he whispered, “There’s a lot of people here today and we’ve got rumors to spread. This should throw him over the edge.” Taking her chin in his hand, he brought his lips to hers, “Get ready for a kiss, friend.” Brushing her lips softly, he lingered a few seconds longer than he should have. “Now I’m off to go find a woman to keep me company tonight. Something tells me she’s on this boat.”

  “Manwhore,” Holly kidded as he stepped away.

  Stopping, he turned around, pointing at her, “It’s Bun Manwhore to you.” And with a smile and a wave, he boarded the ferry.