In The Lap Of The Gods

by John B. Hendricks

  The scepter hit the floor with a clunk and in a moment, Eve was up rubbing her wrists gingerly. She took the crown off her head and sat it on the coffee table.

  “How do you feel?” Mukali asked.

  “Considering all of this, pretty good,” Eve said. She pointed at the scepter and the crown. “Why would Lilith have given me those?”

  “Wait,” Poseidon said, holding his hand up. “Gave you? What exactly did she say?”

  Eve thought for a moment. “She said ‘These are now yours, new Ruler of Hell, but don’t get too used to having them.’ But she was cackling a lot and it was a little hard to understand.”

  “This is interesting,” Poseidon said. “By her own word, Lilith is no longer in charge. However, she passed the torch to someone on the opposite end of the malevolence scale.” He leered at Eve. “Unless there’s a lot of naughty girl in you that we aren’t aware of?”

  Eve popped him open-handed in the face.

  “Boy, that brings back a lot of memories,” Poseidon said, rubbing his cheek and smiling. “I’ve been face-slapped on every continent on the Earth and in every corner of the hereafter.”

  “You should call the Guinness Book of World Records,” Eve said. “File under Horniest Old Goat.”

  “If Eve’s in charge,” Mukali said. “Why not use the scepter to change things, fix things up here, and bring in some true hope for these wretched souls?”

  “I’m not touching that thing,” Eve said. “It creeps me out.”

  “Lilith wouldn’t have given it up without a scheme,” Poseidon said. “I’ll bet that Eve’s goodness is what Lilith is banking on.” Poseidon stopped. “But if that’s the case, how would Lilith get the tools back? Eve would never give them back willingly.”

  “Hell, no,” Eve interjected.

  “So that means Lilith plans for Eve to give it back unwillingly.” Poseidon said.

  “As in prying it from her cold dead hands?” Mukali asked.

  “I’m already dead,” Eve said. “I can’t be any deader.”

  “Oh, Eve my poor lovely,” Lilith said. “Your naiveté is so charming.”

  Chapter 8[84]4

  Eve ducked behind the broad-shouldered Poseidon, who folded his heavily biceped arms across his chest and glared at the Minion Guards that blocked the doorway. They both unconsciously took a half step back. Great, thought one of them. Giant Olympian God of the Sea getting ready to kick my ass. I don’t get paid nearly enough for this. Poseidon cracked his knuckles.

  Poseidon saw them briefly flinch and he roared, charging quickly into Lilith and her guards. They toppled back through the doorway onto the porch. “Grab the tools,” Mukali instructed Eve urgently. “Let’s move.”

  Eve picked up the scepter and slid the crown over her arm onto her shoulder. Mukali grabbed her by the elbow and steered her out the door.

  Poseidon and the eight Minion Guards were thrashing frantically in the sand. Mukali could see Lilith struggling to extract herself from the pile, crawling out on her hands and knees.

  With a grunt, Lilith pulled her foot from the codpiece of one of her guards, leaving her stiletto pump jabbing the minion’s crotch. She hobbled toward Mukali and Eve, shaking her finger at them.

  “No, no, no,” Lilith said. “You’re not going anywhere. Go sit your perfectly-formed buttocks back into that chair.” She pointed to Mukali. “You! I command you to report to Pit #67 for an eternity of having your ass used as a hive for a swarm of angry South American killer bees.”

  “You forget who’s the new boss,” Eve said, and slashed the scepter at Lilith’s midsection.

  Lilith sucked her stomach in quickly, the scepter missing her by millimeters. She jumped back and waited poised on the balls of her feet, ready to react. “Can’t we talk about this, Eve my dear?” Lilith said in her most sincere voice. “Perhaps I was a bit hasty in all of this. Let’s work things out. If you give me back my tools, I’ll let you return to Heaven and we’ll pretend none of this happened. Come on.” She held out her hands beseechingly.

  “The only way I’ll give these back is to shove them up your lying ass,” Eve shouted, gripping the scepter like an epee and thrusting it at Lilith.

  Lilith danced backwards and tumbled back into the pile, screaming.

  “Run!” Mukali shouted, and they both sprinted up the main road. Mukali glanced over his shoulder and saw Poseidon being overwhelmed and pummeled by the Minion Guards. He stopped and drew his sword.

  “I have to go help him,” he told Eve. “There’s not much opportunity in this place to do something that makes a difference, and I will not let a warrior like Poseidon fall as long as my ancestors sing to me their songs of honor.”

  “But what about me?” Eve said. “What do I do?”

  “Take this road,” Mukali instructed. “Keep going until you see a stack of white limestone rocks. Make a right turn and walk through the grove until you reach a stream. There’s a big flat rock in the middle of it. Stand on it and say the entry word.” Mukali looked back. The minions had Poseidon pinned down and he could see Lilith’s eyes frantically searching for them. “A portal will open. Step through quickly and follow the signs to Oskar’s Tavern. Wait there for me, Your Royal Highness.” He caught her wrist and pulled her to him, kissing her hard on the lips.

  He let her go, ducked the swinging scepter, and ran back toward the melee.

  “My Kabtaut!” he shouted at the top of his lungs, hoping they could hear him from the beach. “It’s time for the fight we’ve been waiting all our deaths for!”

  He reached the teeming mass of brawn swinging his sword, his Mongol horde rumbling toward him up the boardwalk, shouting his name.

  Chapter 85[85]

  Belphegor’s heavy jaw dropped in total incredulity at the sight.

  He had been contemplating his next move. If the group was lost forever in the deadly fog, he would have to make a decision. Return to the Pit for an eternity of maintaining the instruments of torture that would surely increase in both number and complexity or go on the lam, always looking over his shoulder for the Minion Guard that wanted to grab him and puree him for Lilith’s Sunday brunch.

  Suddenly there was a flash like Hiroshima. It was so intense, it even caused his normally resistant demon eyes to blank out briefly. When his eyesight, tinged with red shadows, finally returned, he almost squealed in relief.

  Every nasty cubic foot that was the madness of Lucifer had dissipated. All that remained were five very tired looking men with tomato-colored sunburns hugging each other in quiet victory. Belphegor shook his head, blinked his eyes a few times, and looked again. They were still there.

  As he joined them, Absalom said. “Did you see any of that?”

  “Lots of mist, then it was all gone in an instant,” Belphegor said. “You were only missing for a few minutes.”

  “It seemed longer than a Kevin Costner movie on the inside,” Fat Boy said.

  Marvel laughed at Fat Boy. “There’s the road,” he said to them, pointing. “We’ll follow it until we reach a pile of limestone rocks. Then we have to make our way through some trees and find a stream that is next to the portal.”

  “Maybe this time I’ll actually get to step through a portal on my own power,” Absalom said, rubbing his still sore shoulder.

  The group checked themselves for injuries but besides a few scrapes and abrasions, was delightfully intact after the explosion. Absalom made sure the chain was still in his pack. When he touched it, it felt even more loving than before. He slid it back in, shaking his head.

  Marvel took the lead and they marched across an open field. Absalom smelled the ocean and smiled. He had always wanted to live on the ocean, but could never gather the gumption or the cash needed for such expensive property. He saw cabanas dotting the coastline and a few people swimming in the surf. “I wonder what Father Allen would think of all this,” he wondered. “Beach bums sitting around bonfires in Hell instead of roasting IN bonfires in Hell.”

 
When they reached the road, Paris’ ears twitched. In the distance, his warrior hearing picked up the sound of a clashing swords and pikes and shouting. “I hear battle ahead,” he told his companions.

  “Lilith!” Belphegor trembled.

  “Most likely,” Marvel said. “And there’s a distinct possibility that she is fighting with Lucifer.”

  “Do you think she can possibly stop him?” Solly asked Marvel.

  “I don’t know,” Marvel answered. “Lilith is in charge of things here, but Lucifer is a force with unfathomable depth. She may be able to hold him briefly, but I don’t think it’s possible for her to destroy him, even with the powers she commands.”

  “Perhaps we could bind them both?” Paris said. He turned to Absalom. “If we capture them both with your chain of silver, perhaps we could do more than just save the Earth. Could we change this afterlife as well?”

  “Paris, way to think outside the box, buddy,” Fat Boy said, clapping him on the back.

  “Did any of you feel anything strange when we were fighting the sphere?” Absalom said. “Besides the obvious,” he said to Fat Boy, who was quickly queuing up a snarky comment.

  “Nothing but sheer terror,” Solly said.

  “Same here,” Fat Boy agreed.

  “And a heavy dose of guilt,” Baldur added.

  Absalom thought about it. Why would he be the only one to notice? Was it his brief contact with Lucifer on Earth that did it or maybe because he had the chain? Was chaining Lucifer and Lilith together the right thing to do? Conflict ping-ponged inside of his head.

  “I’ll take the lead,” Paris said, drawing his sword. “Stay in a straight line behind me in case they have archers. You’ll be harder to hit that way.”

  They lined up behind Paris and he motioned them forward. Absalom could hear Belphegor muttering to himself.

  “Belphegor,” Absalom whispered. “Do you know something you need to tell us?”

  Belphegor shook his head emphatically. “Know nothing do I! Much fear of Lilith.” His eyes kept darting all around them.

  Soon, Paris motioned them to a halt. The sound of battle was audible to all of them now. “It sounds like at least two dozen soldiers,” he told them. “There’s no way to know if they are allies or enemies.” He looked at Marvel. “Is this the only way to get to our destination?”

  “This is the only road,” Marvel answered. He pointed to their left. “That forest extends as far as anyone has ever traveled. It’s possible we can try to pass through it and estimate where to cut back across, but with no reference points or maps I can’t guarantee how quickly we could do it.” He thought for a moment. “We could cut across to the beach and follow the shoreline. That may give us a better angle and it would be harder to get lost.”

  “Then lead them up the beach,” Paris told Marvel. “I will go the fight and see what is going on.” He looked solemnly at the rest of them. “I want to thank you all for rescuing me from my eternal fate. I pledge my life, my sword, and my bow to you.” Paris gave them a quick grin and started up the road. He never looked back.

  “I miss the big lug already,” Fat Boy said.

  “And unless we get off of this road now,” Marvel said. “His actions will have been in vain. This way.” Marvel led them across a gravelly stretch of land until they reached a narrow path. They went single-file down it until they reached the beach. The ocean stretched out before them. Absalom looked out at the whitecaps in the distance and gently rolling surf worthy of the highest priced New Age relaxation tape. A giant bonfire was blazing to their left, beer cans and candy bar wrappers scattered all around it.

  “Looks like we missed a heckuva party,” Fat Boy said.

  The group walked up to the bonfire. “There’s fresh wood on this,” Solly said. “Whoever abandoned it has only been gone for a short period of time.”

  “Which means they could be back anytime,” Absalom said. “Maybe after the fight that’s occurring on the road.”

  “Let’s keep moving before they get back,” Marvel said.

  A roiling mass of bodies appeared by the cabanas, swords clanging together, loud grunting and yelling. A severed arm flew toward them, landing at Solly’s feet. “Too late,” Absalom said.

  Belphegor leaned over and picked up the arm. “Demon!” he screamed. “Lilith!”

  Chapter 86[86]

  The battle was a beautiful thing to behold.

  Mukali arrived at the scrum just in time to watch the mighty Poseidon toss three minions aside and stand with a shout. He pointed at Lilith and charged her, his arms pumping furiously. She stood her ground, hands poised in front of her. “I think it’s time for the Chicken of the Sea to join us for a little fun and games down at the pits,” she snarled.

  “I’m sure you would,” Poseidon retorted, stopping directly in front of her. He watched her move her hands confidently in front of her, swaying back and forth like a cobra ready to strike. “You probably haven’t had a real man in your pit in quite awhile.”

  She swung at him in a rage and he took a hard blow to his shoulder as he was trying to roll away. Poseidon’s whole arm went numb and he couldn’t push himself to his feet. He looked up at her helplessly. She beamed in triumph.

  She was never aware of the charging Mukali and she lurched forward as he drove his sword into her back. He kept shoving it all the way to the hilt and started pushing her forward, forcing her into a run. The sword dug into the wooden wall of the outdoor shower that stood near the pathway down to the beach and Lilith’s face slammed hard into it, her head lolling back. She started thrashing like a shark on a hook, cursing in a dozen different languages, each series of syllables becoming more vile than the previous.

  “Boy, I’m glad it’s not me on the receiving end of that venomous litany,” Poseidon said as Mukali helped him to his feet.

  “I don’t believe I’ll be receiving any invitations to tea with the Queen anytime soon, I imagine,” Mukali said.

  “She’ll work her way out of that soon,” Poseidon said, watching Lilith struggle to free herself. “Do you have any kind of plan beyond that suicidal charge, which you executed flawlessly, by the way.”

  “I’ve got Eve safely hidden away,” Mukali said. “Perhaps it would be wise for us to join her.”

  “Well thought out, my new warrior friend,” Poseidon said, his larger-than-life voice booming.

  Mukali noticed that the clashing of swords had stopped on the beach. Poseidon read his thoughts and they walked down the trail to see what was happening.

  The Mongol warriors were laughing uproariously and doing a dance of victory. Mukali saw the dark heads of the Minion Guards planted like a row of vegetables around a roaring bonfire. He and Poseidon joined them.”

  “It is a most glorious victory!” shouted an ecstatic warrior. He dropped his pants and pissed on the nearest minion head.

  “Don’t forget the shake,” Poseidon reminded him. “You don’t want to stain your pants.”

  The warrior laughed and continued his twelve-pack of micturition on the fuming minion’s head. Mukali saw that his fellow Kabtaut had also joined in on the fun. He noticed that one of the demons wasn’t crying out in anger. To Mukali’s ear, this one was merely crying. He circled the fire.

  The demon in the sand was obviously not from the Minion Guard. The head was much smaller and resembled a poorly-nourished rodent’s. “No piss on Belphegor,” he shouted. “Me friend! Me friend!”

  Mukali gave the happy donor who was emptying on Belphegor’s head a shove and the warrior laughed and toppled backwards, wetting himself thoroughly. The other Mongols screamed tears of laughter and pulled him up, slapping the sand off his clothes as he also laughed helplessly. They grabbed him bodily and ran with him on their shoulders, tossing him into the water.

  Mukali knelt beside the frightened demon’s head. “Where did you come from?”

  Belphegor’s voice was shaky. “I travel with humans, not dead. They seek Lucifer, to stop him.” Belphegor let
out a long breath. “We travel on quest to find pork rinds for Beermeisters, so then they give us information on Prince of Darkness.”

  “Pork rinds, huh,” Poseidon said. “I think the piss of Mukali’s mighty warriors has soaked into this one’s brains and addled them.”

  “Where are the humans?” Mukali asked.

  “They run up beach,” Belphegor whined. “Stay away from fight. Not armed. Man with sword gone. Belphegor taken by mistake by vicious warriors. Please dig up!”

  Mukali considered it. A non-dead human foray into Hell seemed unlikely to him, and demons were notorious liars. This one was probably just spouting some nonsense to worm himself out of trouble. Probably best just to leave him buried.

  “Let’s go,” he told Poseidon. “We need to get back to Eve.”

  “I’m with you, brother,” Poseidon said. “This is the most fun I’ve had since I had sex with Medusa on the floor of the Temple of Athena. Of course, that was before she could turn men to stone with a look.” He looked at Mukali. “Come to think about it, she didn’t have any problem getting me rolling.”

  “No leave Belphegor!” the demon cried, but to no avail. He watched Poseidon and Mukali make their way back up toward the cabanas and disappear over the ridge.

  The Kabtaut decided it was a great time for a swim. They stripped off their sweaty and ichor-stained clothes and dove into the crystal clear blue water of the ocean, frolicking in a way that only true warriors could understand.

  Chapter 87[87]

  When Paris arrived, the battle was over. He shaded his eyes and surveyed the scene.

  Assorted swords and body parts were strewn on the hard ground that separated the road from the cabanas. Something sticky and black smeared the road, and he could only assume it was the blood of demons. He squatted down and touched the gooey substance with his sword, raising the blade to his nose and sniffing it. Sulfur. He wiped his sword off on a clump of grass.

  “Help me.”

  His danger antennae tensed. He pinpointed the sound to his right. Close to the edge of the beach, a woman was skewered like a rack of lamb to a wall. He jumped up and ran to her.