In The Lap Of The Gods

by John B. Hendricks

  “When you arrived, we brothers felt the destiny oozing from you and that’s why we agreed to help you.”

  “No pork rinds,” Absalom asked.

  “No pork rinds,” Marvel smiled. “There is but one place where we were destined to take the right person who asked.” Marvel sighed. “If I can ever find it.”

  “This does not sound very destiny-ish,” Solly said.

  “Why?” Fat Boy said. “Who’s to say whether or not destiny is so clear cut?” He looked at Marvel. “What about it, Marvel. What if the destiny that you’ve been contemplating over the ages is just flat out wrong? A delusion that has built upon itself until it’s so convoluted that even you aren’t sure what’s going to happen? What if it’s your destiny to get lost in the woods with a bunch of idiots who thought that they could save the world?”

  Marvel looked disconsolate.

  Fat Boy stood and picked up a rock. “What if destiny is me finding the place with a thrown rock? Isn’t that just as likely?” He reared back and tossed the stone into the woods as far as he could.

  In just a few seconds, there was the unmistakable sound of a rock hitting water and making a large splash. They all looked at Fat Boy, who shrugged his shoulders.

  “Sometimes,” he said, “destiny is a real smartass.”

  Chapter 93[93]

  “This is it!” Marvel said gleefully, splashing through the water where he had been born. He stood on the flat rock in the middle of the stream. “I don’t know about you gentleman, but I am thrilled to no end. This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life, the answer to the Big Question. Why am I here?”

  “I’ve been asking that all along,” Fat Boy said. “But much more sarcastically.”

  They gathered in the knee-deep water. Marvel raised his arms and started singing. Absalom recognized the tune and starting singing along. Fat Boy laughed and started belting it out as well.

  Say, come on Eileen

  These things they are real and I know

  How you feel

  Now I must say more than ever

  Things round here have changed

  I say, toora-loo-ra, toora-loo-rye-aye

  The portal opened. Marvel bowed dramatically, extending his arm. “After you,” he said.

  The fellowship scrambled through the gate, still singing the tune, laughing in the warm Missouri sunshine.

  Chapter 94[94]

  The madness of Lucifer was gone.

  Lucifer was incredulous. He had used the insanity-laced grey mist to torment many a person, but as the years moved on, he had regretted it and had posted signs warning people not to walk into it. On the occasions where he had to go through it, he could feel every beleaguered soul’s agony coursing through him. He dreaded that walk.

  Now it was gone.

  The Norse crew was subdued. Part of reason was the post-traumatic hangovers that the powerful brews had battered them with the previous night. Even Odin, the self-acknowledged king of strong drink, was still fuzzy-tongued and a bit befuddled. The other reason, unspoken, was the dark feeling that was creeping through their bones. Was every step they took now a step toward returning to their previous settled lives or a step closer to Ragnarok? The well-prepared wives were passing out the antacids and chewing a few for themselves.

  Lucifer led them down the hill and they stopped where the road intersected the glass black surface that had run under the mist. Lucifer could see the seabirds frolicking in the distance and coming toward them at a steady pace was a pair of bronzed joggers. The twosome slowed as they approached.

  “You folks headed toward the beach?” the man asked.

  “In that general direction,” Lucifer answered. “Why?”

  “Big fight happened over there. The place was crawling with minions and Mongols screaming bloody murder. We were minding our own business, doing a little surfing and discussing life and love, when the scuffle ensued. It was an ugly business. We hid out by the rocks until it was over. When we went back down, there was a bunch of demons buried neck-deep around a bonfire, so we decided we had enough of the beach and were going do some running on this jogging path.” The man slid his sunglasses back down and they took off. All the Norseman perked out of their doldrums and watched the woman jogger glide away.

  “That’s some serious junk in that trunk,” Thor observed.

  “Let’s approach with care,” Lucifer said. “If it’s truly minions buried, that means Lilith took it on the chin and she will be at maximum rage and fury.”

  The Aesir assumed skulking crouches and they moved slowly up the road. Odin was waving Gungnir back and forth, hoping the magic stick had just an ounce of danger detector available in it despite their current location.

  The road was sticky with demon blood and there were still a number of severed limbs littering the area. Lucifer picked up a loose arm and looked at the bracelets on it. “Minion Guards,” he said. “I used them for ceremonial purposes when I was a full-blown pompous ass, but they never had to fight for anything other than the last roll at the buffet at the guard shack.” He dropped the thick arm to the ground. “The Mongols made khorkhog out of them.”

  “We keep missing the skirmishes,” Odin complained, taking out his sword. “My Norse blood is crying for battle.” He swung the massive weapon back and forth.

  “None of these pieces are Baldur, are they?” asked a worried Frigga.

  The group looked around, picking up the stray appendages and piling them in the center of the road. To their relief, Baldur had apparently remained intact. Odin pointed Gungnir toward the beach. “Time to confront the buried minions.” They trouped off.

  The bonfire sent off a spray of sparks and the heads in the sand were whelping and groaning. “Help us!” one of them yelled as he saw the Norsemen approaching.

  Lucifer crouched down. “Zagan?” he asked. “Hard day at work?”

  “Lucifer!” Zagan spluttered, sending grains of sand spraying from his lips. “You are a sight for sore eye.”

  “Don’t worry, it will grow back soon enough,” Lucifer said, peering into the empty socket in Zagan’s massive skull. “The Mongols put the hurt on you?”

  “They went Genghis Khan on our asses,” Zagan grinned sheepishly. “Then Lilith came over and kicked sand in our faces like we were 98-pound weaklings. She knew we were just a bunch of pretty minions, pumped up from lifting weights for a thousand years and oiling each other down to keep our skin golden and smooth to the touch. Her expectations were unrealistic.” Zagan laughed. “She dug up a runt demon that got caught in the crossfire and she took off back up the dune with him in tow and a serious looking swordsman following her. I sure didn’t like the way he looked at us.” Zagan shuddered. “If you had to look in the dictionary for him, you would have found him under ‘pissed off.’”

  Lucifer enlisted the Aesir and using the makeshift shovels they found, they dug the minions out of the damp sand. The minions expressed their appreciation and the ones with hands remaining clasped them with the Norse Gods and pledged eternal camaraderie. Lucifer pulled Zagan aside and they walked up to Lucifer’s cabana, Zagan gesturing wildly and Lucifer nodding in understanding.

  Inside the cabana, Lucifer picked up the note that lay on the floor by the chair where it appeared Eve had been bound. He read it in disgust, wadded it up and threw it out the open window. There was no way that Lilith would have actually given the tools to Eve. She must have constructed some kind of replicas to try to fool him. Maybe she had come up with something to harm him. She was clever and devious enough to do that. He looked around for any clues, but nothing jumped out at him.

  The Aesir joined him in his living room, oohing and ahhing over the gigantic plasma television and helping themselves to Lucifer’s tequila. He declined a shot and sat down at his terminal. He looked up Baldur’s information and found out he was listed under Special Assignments. He paged through the scathing dossier. Whoever took this dictation probably had to grow back their ears a couple of times, Lucife
r thought. No further information on Baldur, so Lucifer assumed he had not been recaptured.

  He went over to the television and flicked off the Bugs Bunny cartoon the Aesir were watching. They all moaned good-heartedly and threw nuts and pretzels at him. He raised his hand.

  “Baldur is still at large,” he told them. “He’s with some others whose main goal is to stop my plan. I’m not sure what their strategy is, but I’m going to make a guess and say that they are going to trying to get to Eve before I do. Based on what Zagan has told me, I think I know where she is. Earth.” Thor raised his hand.

  “Thor?” Lucifer said, pointed to him.

  Thor stood up. “If Baldur makes it back to Earth, then that means Ragnarok has been averted, right?”

  “Based on Odin’s sequence of events, I believe that is correct.”

  “So when we find Baldur,” Thor continued. “It’s over. No more end of the world?”

  “Well, as far as Ragnarok goes, you are right,” Lucifer said. “No ancestor fighting and the sun getting swallowed or such things. However, once the Remusians are finished with their work, it’s going to be pretty boring. No more Steven Spielberg movies or Thai food.”

  “No more Thai food,” said Sutr. “That’s going to suck badly.”

  “Wait a minute,” Odin said. “When we started this, I assumed that the Remusians were all part of Ragnarok. Something kind of mystical that tied in with the general flavor of the Seeress’ prophecy.”

  “Never assume,” Lucifer said. “It will make an ass out of you and me.”

  “Just wait until I’m done with you,” Odin snarled. The other Aesir pulled out their weapons and looked at Lucifer with intense menace.

  “Okay, okay,” Lucifer said. “I’ll admit it. I lied by omission. I had other intentions that I’ve kept hidden from you.” He related to them his plan of a new Garden of Eden, Eve by his side, a new race of mankind.

  “So where was that going to leave us?” Frigga asked.

  “I really didn’t think about that,” Lucifer admitted. “I just figured you would find something to do with yourselves.” He took a deep breath. “It pains me to admit it, but I was so blinded by loneliness that I was totally oblivious to others.” He looked at them. “I’ve never had any real friends in my entire existence,” he said. “Being the most feared being in existence kind of precludes any solid relationships. I’m sorry.”

  The Norse Gods stared at their feet and looked around the room. This was Lucifer’s life in this room, a shelf of books, a television, and a view of the ocean. There were no pictures of family or friends on the wall. In fact, there was nothing personal sitting around at all. This was a lonely bachelor pad. Some sympathy was aroused in the women and some empathy in the men. A couple of guys, however, were a little bit envious. Women trouble.

  Odin walked over and put his hand on Lucifer’s shoulder. “Lucifer, I think I speak for the rest of the group.” He looked at his comrades. “Okay, I know I always say that without asking anybody. Great Nidhogg, I’m the Chief God here. I have rank.” He saw the look in their eyes and he rolled his in response. “Fine. Let’s have a show of hands. Who forgives Lucifer and wants to be his friend?”

  Every hand in the room shot up. Odin nodded to them. “Don’t get too used to this brief moment of democracy.” He saw his wife’s loving smile and he grinned back. “Okay, maybe we could do it a little more often.” They cheered and clustered around Lucifer.

  Thor stood in the cabana doorway. “Enough of that sensitive behavior crap,” he cried. “It’s time for us to find Baldur and kick some Remusian ass!” He charged out the door.

  Lucifer found himself caught in the rush that followed. “C’mon,” Odin said. “Friend.”

  You couldn’t have slapped the grin off Lucifer’s face a pair of Lilith’s dirty underwear.

  Chapter 95[95]

  Belphegor laid facedown in a field of soybeans. He was dreaming of the last time he was on Earth. The main thing he enjoyed about it was the way things smelled. The grass gave off a light sweet fragrance, the trees were an olfactory orgy of delight, and each human being had a distinctive scent. He heard a crash and turned his head, looking through the growing plants.

  An oversize metal man was walking down the road, its metallic gait sending the occasional spark from its heel. Belphegor laid still and watched it pass. He wrinkled his nose, blew it out to the ground, and sniffed again. The metal man smelled like nothing, but at the same time it smelled like everything. Peculiar.

  He rolled onto his back and watched the clouds slowly drift over him, picturing objects in them, watching animals and people form and dissipate, emotions wandering past him, hate, fear, and hurt. The clouds came and went as they pleased, and now Belphegor, like the clouds, was free.

  Chapter 96[96]

  Mike enjoyed tippling on a sunny afternoon. It made the sun seem to shine a little bit brighter, the beer to be a little bit colder, and the women looked a little bit prettier.

  He took another swig and grabbed a handful of peanuts. “Oskar,” he said to the paunchy owner. “You see this here bowl of peanuts? They’re salty and crunchy and compliment the beer. I appreciate them, if only for a short while.” He popped a few in his mouth. “But saints, Oskar, saints can’t appreciate such things. They are mentally dead to such things.”

  “Kant?”

  Mike shook his head. “I’ve grown beyond Kant. Schopenhauer is my personal philosophical trainer these days.” He finished off his beer and motioned for another. “Who’s your philosopher of choice, Oskar?”

  “Andy Capp.”

  “Oh-kay,” Mike said.

  “Excuse me,” a woman interrupted. “Can I get something to drink?”

  Mike fell off his barstool. Literally.

  From the floor, even the woman’s scratched and bleeding feet were the hottest things he had seen in his life.

  “Are you okay?” Eve asked, grabbing him by the elbow and helping him up.

  “I, uh, yeah, I think,” Mike stammered, motioning to the stool beside him. “Beer for the lady?” he said to the slack-jawed Oskar. Oskar nodded and mechanically drew a beer from the tap, his eyes never leaving Eve’s heaving bosom. He plopped it in front of her, foaming running down the sides of the frosty mug.

  “Thanks,” Eve said, oblivious to the reaction to her body. She drank half of the beer in one chug. “It’s hotter than Hell out there,” she told them. “Trust me, I know that for a fact.”

  “I’m Mike,” Mike said, extending his hand. “These fellows to my left are Brian and Jack.” They tipped their John Deere hats at her.

  “Eve,” Eve replied and smiled. “Do you fellows know a guy named Mukali?”

  “Sure,” Oskar answered, looking at Mike. “He’s that Oriental guy that comes in sometimes and gets a lot of that cheap canned beer. Brings us that really nice microbrew in exchange.”

  “Oh yeah, that Tenenit’s Choice,” Mike said. “Good stuff. Pride of the Ancient Egyptians, which I always thought was an odd slogan for a beer.”

  “I’m waiting for him,” Eve said, finishing her beer.

  “Boyfriend?” a disappointed Mike conjectured.

  “Not really,” Eve answered. “But he’s a fine kisser, that’s for sure.” She smiled and Mike considered shielding his eyes from the brilliance that emanated from her.

  “So I still have a shot at you?” Mike joked.

  “Down boy,” Eve said lightly. Another beer appeared before her. Oskar grinned shyly. “On the house.”

  Eve laughed again. Country boys, she thought with gentle amusement.

  The screen door pushed open. “Hey fellows,” Oskar said. “Come on in and sit anywhere.”

  “Thanks,” Absalom said. He sat down with Solly, Marvel, and Baldur while Fat Boy examined the Wurlitzer jukebox and its offerings. “Great googly moogly!” he yelled. “45 rpm records!” “Quarters, man. I must have quarters. He’s got Gary U.S. Bonds on here!”

  Chapter 97[97]

&n
bsp; “I’ve done more walking in the past few days than I’ve done in my entire life,” Odin complained. He missed Sleipner, his eight-legged horse. The faithful mare had carried him the length and breadth of the world and had watched his back in many battles. When the god business slowed down, Sleipner had run off with that damned Pegasus. Odin had cursed both their names, but in retrospect, he realized that his great mare was just lonely. Occasionally, he still wished for one more ride.

  “Looks like you’re dropping the pounds,” Lucifer said, rubbing Odin’s Buddha belly. “Before long you can write a diet book.”

  “What? Losing weight by going though hell?” Odin snapped.

  Lucifer wrestled Gungnir away from the Chief God and chased him up the road, the other Gods cheering him on. A truck horn honked and they all moved to the side of the road. The driver, a lithe blond woman, stuck her arm out of the cab and waved as she drove by. A bunch of hairy guys riding in the back hooted and hollered at them in slightly strange accents. “Greetings Missourians!” one of them shouted.

  Further ahead, Lucifer quit chasing a winded Odin and stood in the middle of the road, tapping some Muddy Waters blues on the road with the blunt end of Gungnir. He hoped that he had picked the correct direction to travel. The Beermeisters had been nebulous about what to do after passing through the Portal of Fate, so Lucifer had decided to go with his gut and follow the pork rind trail. He saw a truck coming toward them and he moved over beside a still gasping Odin. The truck was full of guys and a hot blonde was driving them.

  Lucifer stared at the woman. He had seen millions of females in Hell, so there was always a sense of déjà vu whenever he met someone. All the eyes, noses, mouths, and other facial features blurred together into a generic composite female, but this woman…

  Their eyes met and Lucifer, for the first time since close to the Beginning, gasped in surprise. All the lust in him faded out.

  The woman’s eyes were identical to his. Icy blue, glittering and passionate. She winked at him and moved her lips, forming the words that he never thought would be used to describe him.