“Hi Daddy.”
The truck buzzed by. The men in the back shouted at them heartily. Lucifer mentally willed himself not to gasp again, but he couldn’t stop it. It was Lane and some of the other Remusians.
Lane stood up the back of the truck and shouted. “Lucifer! The mission’s been aborted due to needing a fried bologna sandwich and a fermented beverage!” The truck shifted gears and he swayed back, falling onto his comrades, who groaned in mock terror and let him fall to the bed in laughter.
Lucifer was still staring when the Norse gods caught up with them.
“What were those guys yelling at you about?” Frigga asked.
“Apparently, those were a few of Lucifer’s Remusian buddies,” Odin answered, “taking a break from ridding the Earth of people so they can grab a little lunch.”
“What did that bumper sticker say?” Lucifer asked, watching as the truck receded in the distance.
“Nature does nothing uselessly,” Thor said. “It’s a quote from Aristotle.”
They all turned and looked at him.
“Hey, you’re not the only ones who’ve memorized a few choice quotations to use at opportune moments,” Thor said, producing Mjollner.
“Do you have any more?” Hermoth asked.
Thor looked into the afternoon sunlight. Soybean fields lined the highway, green and alive, as cicadas chittered their ode to summer. “The bell invites me. Hear it not, Duncan; for it is a knell that summons thee to heaven or to hell.”
“That’s not bad,” Hermoth said. “It may have been more appropriate earlier though.”
“Except for the bell part,” Sutr said. “I never heard any bells.”
“Maybe the bells were more a metaphor for something like a calling?” Odin threw in.
“Just because you killed Macbeth when you got lost in Scotland one time does not make you an expert on Shakespeare,” said Frigga.
“I’m still pissed that Shakespeare didn’t give me the credit for it,” Odin smirked. “Hack.”
“I don’t think ‘Lay on, Odin,” would have played very well at the Globe Theater,” Thor said. “Hey, looks like Lucifer is in a hurry.”
They discontinued their light-hearted bickering and watched Lucifer sprinting away from them at a rapid pace. Odin looked at his mates. “Should we run or saunter?”
“Lucifer!” they shouted and charged up the road.
“This democracy thing may not be so bad,” Odin said, taking a deep breath. “It sure takes the pressure off not having to make every decision.” He sauntered slowly, his mind returning to Sleipnir. Could have made a fortune with her at the track, he thought for the 100th time. He broke into a trot, threw his head back, and whinnied in tribute to his absent comrade. Before long, he had passed his surprised Aesir, and was waiting for them with Lucifer in the parking lot of Oskar’s Tavern, breathless but feeling better than he had in a long time.
Chapter 98[98]
“Thanks for the ride!” Lane yelled as the truck pulled away.
They stepped into the murky dimness of the bar. A few guys at a table in the corner were deeply engrossed in conversation and didn’t notice their arrival. A beautiful woman and a couple of guys sat at the bar. “Hey fellows,” the guy behind the bar said. “Have a seat anywhere. I’m Oskar.” He turned and shouted into the back. “Madison! We got some hungry looking fellows out here!” His daughter Madison shuffled out of the backroom, eyes already rolling. This is not how I wanted to spend my summer, her entire body shouted at him with her every movement. She grabbed a stack of menus and dropped them in front of each of the Remusians. “Whatcha want to drink?”
“What is your best fermented drink?” Lane asked.
“DAD!” Madison shouted. “What is our best fermented drink?”
“You should really try the Tenenit’s Choice,” Mike advised them. “It is the smoothest beer I’ve had in ages.”
“Then that will be our choice!” Lane said.
“Hey, you fellows, those some kind of uniforms?” Mike asked. “You all military?”
“Yes we are,” Lane said.
“I figured you as National Guard types,” Mike nodded. “I just wanted to let you know that me and the boys appreciate your service.” Mike’s friends held their glasses up in a salute. “Oskar,” Mike said. “Their money is no good in here. Put them on my tab.”
“Money?” said Lane.
“Tab?” said Oskar.
“Fine,” Mike grumbled. “Match me boys.” They all dug in their pockets and laid money on the bar. “That should cover a few rounds and some sandwiches for these brave warriors.”
The waitress brought the Remusians their beers and they waved the bottles to Mike in thanks. In unison, they tossed them back, drinking them in one huge gulp. They slammed the bottles onto the table and started chanting a military jody call from their academy days.
Ain’t no use in lookin’ back
Jody’s got your hovercraft
Ain’t no use in goin’ home
Jody’s got your girl and gone…
“Better pony up a few more dollars,” Oskar said. “These boys appear to be thirty.”
“Must be all that hair covering them,” Mike said. “Some kind of a body temperature thing.”
The Remusians slowed down on their second round, savoring the sweet flavor of the Egyptian brew, and looking around the bar. Now this is the life, Lane thought. He got up and walked over to the bar. “What occupation are you men employed in?”
“We’re farmers,” Mike said. “Tillers of the soil. ‘Cept Brian here. He works in the orchard.” They clinked bottles together.
“Agrarians?” Lane asked. “A noble occupation.”
“I don’t know about how noble it is,” Jack said, “but it pays the bills and keeps us in a little beer money.”
“His wife gives him an allowance,” Brian said. “Don’t let him tell you otherwise.”
“Least my wife don’t dress me,” Jack jabbed, touching Brian’s shirt. “What the hell is this? Rayon?”
They taunted each other for a bit longer. “Never mind them,” Mike said. “They’ve known each other since they wore diapers.”
“Camaraderie is a good thing,” Lane agreed. “Are you seeking any workers at this time?”
“You fellows job hunting?” Mike asked.
“Yes. We’ve decided a new career is in order if we are going to make this planet our permanent residence.”
“What?”
The door opened and a bright stream of sunlight flooded in. A man stood silhouetted in the door, surveying the room.
“Plenty of room,” Oskar said. “C’mon in out of the sun.”
“Thanks,” said Lucifer, stepping into the bar. “I’m looking for someone. Tall blond woman driving a pickup truck?”
“She dropped us off and went on,” Lane said. “Lucifer?” he asked, squinting into the bright light.
“Lane?” Lucifer said. “What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be conquering the planet?”
“We’ve retired,” Lane said. “We’re going to live in Missouri and be farmers.”
“Lucifer?” Eve jumped from the bar and ran to him, jumping into his surprised arms. “You found me! You found me! I knew you would!”
Absalom leaned back into the shadows of the corner. He quietly unzipped his bag and eased the silver chain out of it. It clanked loudly and he froze. The crowd of people behind Lucifer was making a lot of noise, providing excellent cover. He slipped the lock through a link in the chain and waited. When the woman moved out of the way, he would charge Lucifer and wrap the chain around him before he knew what was happening.
“Ale for everyone!” Odin’s voice boomed through the building. The Aesir crowded into the bar, laughing and shouting. Odin slapped Lucifer on the back and smiled lecherously at Eve.
Madison rolled her eyes. She was NOT being paid nearly enough for this. I should have gone to Florida with Claire, she thought. She’s tanning on the be
ach with hot boys and I’m stuck in redneck city serving beer to a bunch of drunks. Nothing interesting ever happens here.
Baldur leapt up at the unmistakable voice of his father. “Stop,” Absalom said, grabbing at his shirt, but Baldur tore away and jumped into Thor’s arms, wrapping his legs around his waist.
The Aesir’s shout was probably heard a county or two away.
I’d better get more chairs, Oskar thought.
“Bunch of drunks,” Madison roiled in her mind, “and drunks are terrible tippers.” She went to the back to get some more menus. “Hey, what are you doing back here?”
Paris held the point of his sword to her throat.
“It looks like you need a little help, my dear,” Lilith said, taking the menus from Madison’s hand. “I’ll pitch in and give you a hand, but first I need a little favor.” She whispered something in Madison’s ear. The girl nodded and Lilith motioned for Paris to reduce his very threatening posture. He sheathed his sword.
Sometimes interesting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, Madison thought, rubbing the red mark on her throat, feeling the cold eyes of the swordsman on her back, eyes even colder than the steel of the sword. Madison left the backroom and walked into the crowded bar, looking for the good-looking woman that had been hugging the guy that looked like Tom Cruise.
Chapter 99[99]
Eve was ecstatic. She loosened her grip from Lucifer’s neck and took a step back. “How did you ever find me?” she asked him.
“That,” Lucifer said, “is something I can’t quite explain at his point.” He ran his fingers through her hair and beamed. “I’m not letting you get away again.”
The waitress tapped Eve on the shoulder. “Can you help me for a sec? I need someone to help me reach something in the back and I don’t want to ask any of these guys.” She looked around her warily. “There’s a little too much testosterone loosely floating around for me to trust them.”
“Of course,” Eve said. She tiptoed and kissed Lucifer on the nose. “I’ll be right back.”
Madison led her to the back. As soon as she stepped through the door, she was roughly shoved aside and crashed onto the floor. Lilith grabbed Eve’s arm and swung her around into Paris, who wrapped his arm around her neck. “Shhh,” he whispered perilously.
“I see you’ve reconnected with your long-lost beau,” Lilith said warmly. “A wonderful reunion, truly touching. Where’s the scepter and crown?”
“They’re sitting under the coat rack,” Eve answered.
Lilith thought about it. “I want you to have Lucifer get them and bring them to me.”
“No way,” Eve said.
“But my dear,” Lilith said. “We’re on Earth now. You don’t need those tools anymore, so if you’ll give them back to me I’ll quietly return to my domain and you’ll never hear another peep out of me.”
“Then why does Lucifer have to get them for me?” Eve said.
“I believe you think you are much too smart for your own good,” Lilith snarled. “Big breasts typically reduce IQ, and you are proving to be no exception. I want to have a final word with Lucifer. After all, he and I were quite intimate for many years. We might even sing Auld Lang Syne.” She looked at Paris and he let go of Eve, bent down, and pulled the terrified waitress to her feet. “But since you apparently don’t have a touch of true romance in your soul, we’ll just do it the old-fashioned way,” Lilith said. “Have him bring you the tools or Paris will chop this innocent young thing into fish bait.” She looked at the wide-eyed Madison. “I like that. Maybe I can incorporate that concept into the Pit #23 renovation.”
“Okay,” Eve said to Lilith. She looked at Madison. “Everything will be okay.” She turned quickly and walked out of the room. “Do you trust her?” Paris asked.
Lilith chuckled. “Do-gooders are the worst straight-arrows in the world. They are so myopic in this big picture world.” She peeked through the door and watched Eve cross the room to the coat rack.
Chapter 100[100]
Absalom watched the girl kiss Lucifer on the nose and walk off with the waitress. There were too many people milling around to get a clean shot at Lucifer. He elbowed Fat Boy.
Fat Boy looked up from menu. “Did you know that they have free pickled eggs here during Happy Hour?” he said. “All you can hold down.”
“We need to get to Lucifer,” Absalom said. “Any ideas?”
Fat Boy looked around then back at Absalom. “You can count on me, chief.” He got up and scooted over to the jukebox. He plugged in a couple of quarters, pushed some buttons and gave Absalom the thumbs up. The music fired up.
“Listen everybody!” Fat Boy yelled over the din. “This looks like a happy gathering, full of peace, love, and understanding. With that in mind, let’s Animal House this place! Otis, my man!” Fat Boy started gyrating as the Isley Brothers thundered into America’s favorite frat house classic ‘Shout’”
Fat Boy danced over to Absalom. “When everybody gators,” he shouted, “you can get to Lucifer and do your thing.”
“What if Lucifer doesn’t gator?” Absalom said.
“Dude, everybody gators in the middle of Shout,” responded Fat Boy. “I take it you haven’t been to a frat party or wedding dance for the past thirty years?” Fat Boy went off and joined the throng.
Solly was tapping his foot to the music. Mrs. Goldstein loved to do the gator. He remembered the time she flopped to the floor during a Baptist church service with their daughter and thrashed about. His daughter wanted to call for the ambulance, the congregation wanted to call out the demons, and the preacher wanted to call the police. Solly got her off the floor by whispering “a little bit louder now, a little bit louder now,” in a rising voice until she sprung from the floor, twisted her hips a few times, and sat down primly as if nothing had happened. Solly couldn’t recall ever being invited back by their daughter. It was probably for the best. He looked over at Marvel.
“What do you think?” he asked.
Marvel sat their speechless. He and his brothers had seen Animal House 176 times. “Would Absalom mind,” he asked Solly, “if I joined them?”
“Come on,” Solly said, pulling him from his chair. “I’ll join you.”
Everyone starting easing slowly to the dance floor. Absalom tensed, his eyes focused on Lucifer. He had a clear path to him. He slipped the coiled chain over his arm and stood up. He waited for the signal.
It came from Marvel.
“GATOR!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, and all the dancers dropped onto their backs, knees raised and arms in the air. Absalom threaded his way through them.
The lights flickered out and the jukebox died, the Isley Brothers voices fading quickly into silence. Absalom stopped as everyone jumped to their feet, swords coming out of their scabbards and blasters out of their holsters. Oskar pulled his shotgun out from underneath the bar. They could all hear the sound of heavy footsteps outside and they all turned toward the door.
Chapter 101[101]
“Blast!” Lilith cursed. “The fools are dancing and have roped her into it.”
Paris leaned over Lilith and looked. The whole crowd was twitching around in an odd fashion. “Are they possessed by something?” he asked Lilith.
“They’re flailing around trying to find lost youth,” Lilith said with disgust.
“Maybe they’re just having fun,” Madison said.
Lilith glared at her. “Are you insinuating that I don’t know how to have a good time? Have you been talking to Lucifer?”
Madison gulped. “Lucifer? The devil? You’re not one of those weird holy rollers, are you? I don’t believe in any of that supernatural stuff,” she said. “It’s all just made up by priests to scare people. Just like the tooth fairy and Santa Claus and Greek gods.”
“Ouch, that hurts.” Poseidon said. He wrenched Paris’ sword away before the archer could move. Paris reached for his bow and Mukali swatted his hand with the flat of his sword. “Hands in the air,” Mukali said
. Paris complied.
“Lumped in with the tooth fairy,” Poseidon groaned. “I’ll have you know, missy,” he said to Madison, “that in my day I was quite a force to be reckoned with. Right Paris?”
Paris’ hands shook and his sphincter tightened considerably. “Yes, Great God of the Sea.”
“Could I have kicked the tooth fairy’s ass, Paris?”
“Absolutely.”
“See, there you go,” Poseidon concluded. “Straight from the mouth of someone who lived it.” He eyed Lilith. “Mukali’s sword was the best thing you’ve had poked in you in a long time, right babe?”
Mukali waved his sword at her and smiled. “This one’s even sharper,” he said, “in case I need to flail the skin off your bones”
“No need for that,” Lilith said. “There’s some misunderstanding here. I’m on your side.” She looked at them inquiringly.
“Which side is that?” Mukali asked.
“I’m just here to retrieve the scepter and crown,” Lilith answered, “and go on my way. I made a mistake.” She made a somber face. “I’ve realized a few things in this situation. People deserve respect, and under my reign, things will be better. There will be no more torture and mayhem. Recreation centers! Buildings dedicated to the fine arts and literature. I’m going to make being dead the best thing that ever happened to people!” Lilith finished the last sentence breathlessly and looked at Mukali imploringly. “Can you help me with my vision?”
Mukali was considering the possibility of hacking her to pieces when the lights went out. Instantly, Lilith’s face changed from fierce advocate of Mankind to something dark and really scary. She pushed Mukali violently. “Follow me,” she shouted at Paris and they crashed through the storeroom door into the bar.
Everyone was facing the front door and Lilith heard the sound of heavy footsteps outside. She shoved Hermoth out of the way and grabbed the scepter and crown from underneath the coat rack. Poseidon and Mukali ran into the room and stopped. “Lucifer!” Poseidon shouted. “Look out!”
In The Lap Of The Gods Page 28