Lucifer turned to see a man charging him with a sword. The spark in the man’s eye was bloody with hate and Lucifer steeled himself for a vicious slice from the blade. Paris screamed and aimed at Lucifer’s gut.
Mjollner had different ideas. The magic hammer leapt from Thor’s hand and unerringly smacked Paris dead center in his forehead, knocking his head backwards and causing his feet to fly out from underneath him. Thor bent over and picked up the hammer, his heavy boot pressed firmly on Paris’ chest. “I don’t have a quote for this,” he said to the Aesir.
“Thanks for the save,” Lucifer said.
“Oh, Lucifer,” Lilith said. “Did you miss me?”
Lilith had Eve by the hair and was waving the scepter blindly around. The crowd took a step back. Brian nudged Jack. “These are the best-looking women we’ve had in here since last year’s softball tournament.”
“That scepter won’t do a thing for you here,” Lucifer said.
“Perhaps not in the old days,” Lilith replied, “but maybe things have changed a bit since you left.” She touched the crown with her free hand. “I’ve had a few modifications done to this great symbol of my office.” She pointed the scepter at Fat Boy. “Would you like to see a sample of my newfound powers?”
“I’m going to vote no on that one,” Fat Boy said.
“Don’t listen to her,” Eve said. “I’m the Queen of Hell, not that skinny bitch.”
Lilith tugged Eve’s hair sharply. “Hush now, my pet. Things are happening here that are much bigger than little Eve. I lied about the transfer of power to you.” She released Eve’s hair and thrust the scepter into Eve’s hand. “If you’re truly the Queen of Hell, you can make vast and sweeping changes occur with a mere wave of the scepter. You can make things right, even on Earth.” Lilith’s eyes swept over the crowd. “That’s right. Eve can bring a new world of peace and harmony. In her hand, she has the power.” She looked at Eve. “You’ve had the power all along, my dear. Just wave the wand three times and say ‘Peace on Earth, good will to men.” Lilith stepped away.
Eve raised the scepter and looked at it. It appeared benign to her eye. In her heart, though, she felt some twinkling of energy, a vastness of strength that wasn’t there before Lilith had appeared to transfer the power to her. She thinks I won’t do it, Eve thought. She’s playing a mind game by telling me the truth, since every other word from her has been a lie.
Lucifer watched Lilith closely. In his prime, he was the Master of Lies. Complete untruths would spill from him with the utmost sincerity and no one would ever have the inkling of a doubt about their veracity. He could tell people that black was white and that Nixon was not a crook and people would believe it all just based on the sheer genuineness of his tone.
But compared to Lucifer, Lilith was the Ted Williams of lies, and Lucifer was merely batting eighth in semi-pro ball in Hoboken, New Jersey.
Eve raised the scepter and started to wave it. Lucifer reached out and grabbed it from her hand.
“AH-HAH!” Lilith cried and jumped back, waiting for the explosion.
Nothing happened.
Lucifer walked over and took the crown off Lilith’s head. She stood stone still, her mouth wide open, stammering.
“But, but, you were supposed to cancel each other out,” she said croaked. “Pure love will destroy pure evil.”
“Who told you that?” Lucifer asked.
“Cresil did.”
“Cresil? That sycophant? He probably just wanted a promotion or in your pants,” Lucifer said.
The giant footsteps stopped and the building began to shake. The front door rattled like it was being buffeted by a hurricane and some of the cinderblock wall around the frame began crumbling. Holes started appearing and sunlight streamed in, cement dust swirling. Absalom could make out the metallic sheen of something standing out there.
A large part of the front of the building collapsed, the roof hanging on precariously for dear life. The entire crowd brushed themselves off and squinted into the afternoon.
A giant silver android stood there, arms at its side. The head was bullet shaped with a visor wrapped around where the eyes of a person would normally be. Large button-shaped rivets circled the waist, belt-like. The feet were large and thick. A suit-of-armor on steroids.
“Directive 67-A,” it said, the tone wavering with the clicks and pops of an old Byrds album. “Select humans for possible breeding and/or wait staff. Eliminate non-qualifiers.” Its right arm lifted and rotated toward them, finally pointing at Lane. “You. Have you ever worked in a restaurant?”
Lane aimed his blaster at the machine and fired at its foot. The high-intensity beam sliced through the ankle, throwing the android off balance and causing it to tumble onto its side. Lane holstered his weapon.
“That’s not one of ours,” he said. “There’s no directive 67-A.” He walked out and kicked the side of the android. “And my blaster cut through this thing too easily. It’s a fake.”
The chest of the android creaked open, falling to the ground in a splash of dust. Someone scrambled out of it nimbly, landing feet first. He stood there and straightened his clothes, looking at the throng. “Hi,” he said.
The Master of the Universe gave them his best Presidential wave. “Yes, it’s a fake,” he said to Lane, kicking the fallen replica. “It’s the best I could do on short notice. I’ve always wanted to come in at the last minute, straighten things up in one deft motion, and untangle all the loose ends.”
“Deus ex machina?” Fat Boy asked.
“That’s it!” Jehovah exulted. “God in the machine! Do you get it? Anyone?” His eyes swept across them. “Tough crowd,” he said.
He strode over to them. “Let me say that I am greatly impressed,” he said to Absalom. “You are truly a man cast in my own image.”
“Joe?” Absalom said.
“In the flesh, as they say,” Jehovah answered. “I see the gang’s all here.” He looked through the crowd and caught Lucifer’s eye. “Lucifer. Long time no see. Wish it would have been even longer, but...”
In a flutter of giant wings, Raphael plunged from the sky, landing heavily beside Jehovah. “Sorry,” he said, checking his fly and the buttons on his shirt. “I had some last minute things to do before the possible Armageddon. Did I miss anything?”
“Make your inquiries,” Jehovah ordered. “Let’s be done with this so I can get back on track.”
“Okay,” Raphael said. He fingered the mouthpiece of the trumpet. “Remusian,” he said, pointing to Lane. “Front and center.”
Mike shook his head sadly. Nice fellows, but illegal aliens, he thought. Of course, they would probably work at a cheaper rate. He brightened.
Lane strode deliberately and stood in front of the angel. “Who sent you on this mission to destroy Mankind?” Raphael asked.
“It was he,” Lane said, pointing at Lucifer.
“Told you so,” Jehovah snapped. “What a waste of time this was. Blow that horn and let’s move on.”
Raphael looked at Jehovah and then looked at Lucifer. “Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
Lucifer’s thoughts streaked through his head. It seemed like so long ago, his plan and his new Garden of Eden. Eve put her arm around his waist and squeezed. What a fool I’ve been, he thought. He imagined the pain of all the tormented souls, people no different that the three rednecks that cowered at the bar. They were just folks just living and dying in quiet desperation. His selfishness had brought about this moment. Jehovah’s covenant was firm, and Raphael was here to verify. It was all Lucifer’s doing and now the Earth was going to end.
“Well?” Raphael said.
He turned and faced them. His eyes jumped when he saw Absalom. “Absalom!”
Absalom’s hands were shaking. The silver chain lay loosely in his hands. He could feel the power in the links, Grandma’s freshly baked brownies and puppy dogs and gentle afternoon rains. The Keys to Heaven rested in his pocket, poking his leg. One of silve
r and one of gold.
“You lied to me,” Absalom said to Lucifer, “and betrayed my trust.” He gripped the chain tighter. “You need to be punished.”
Lucifer nodded. “I agree. I have been wrong for a long time. I wanted so much more for all of you,” he said, running his eyes over every individual in the crowd. “I wanted brotherhood and love and freedom for Mankind, with no strings attached.” He glanced at an impatient Jehovah. “The Great Creator disagreed. His desire was that you worship him at all costs. That was the source of the conflict in the beginning. I took it out on all of Mankind for what seems like eons,” he continued. “Eventually, the anger dissipated, and I rethought everything.” He took a deep, long breath.
“Mankind lives and dies on Earth, but his real life doesn’t begin until he dies. Where I come from, all your brothers, your sisters, your ancestors wait in eternity. I thought that by removing all of Mankind from Earth, they could be reunited with all of those loved ones that they so dearly missed. Then I would live the life of my dreams on the Earth and let Mankind get the life they deserved after death.” He glared at Lilith.
“Don’t look at me,” she said. “I have a design flaw of absolute insincerity. That’s not my fault.”
“Baloney,” Jehovah said. “You’re only design flaw is that gap I left between your two front teeth.” Lilith closed her mouth quickly. She hated that gap.
Lucifer put his hands out, palms up. “I’m sorry,” he said to them all. “So very sorry. Please forgive me.”
“Music, maestro?” Jehovah asked Raphael.
Raphael put the horn to his lips.
“Wait!” Odin said. “Before you blow it, I’d like to say something. I’ve known Lucifer for a short time, but I’ve grown to respect him. He’s a decent fellow and I think that he has a good heart. Give him a break.” The other Aesir nodded briskly in assent.
Raphael lowered the horn. Jehovah stamped his foot with irritation.
“He’s a great boss,” Mukali chimed in.
“And he’s got a really small willie,” Poseidon said cheerfully.
“This has nothing to do with the end of the Earth,” Jehovah said irritably. “Lucifer is going back down right after the horn blows. Right, Mr. Jones?”
Absalom forced himself to look Jehovah in the eye. A cold shiver went through him. Solly patted him on the back reassuringly. “It’s up to you,” he whispered. “Follow your heart.”
He approached Lucifer slowly. Their gaze met and Absalom unconsciously smiled. Lucifer’s eyes were not grey anymore, like the first time they had met in the bookstore, he thought. They were blue as the sky. The mist, he thought. The mist is gone. Now I understand.
He turned to Raphael. “I’m no Bible scholar, so what does it mean when you blow the horn? Does it force Lucifer back to Hell? Does it kill everyone on Earth in an instant?”
“Interesting question,” Raphael said, looking at the Creator. Jehovah shrugged. “Blow it and see,” he answered. Raphael ignored him. “All I know is that Jehovah’s covenant to not destroy the Earth directly through his mighty hand is solid. He won’t lift a finger.”
“Joe?” Absalom asked. “How are you going to stop the Remusian invasion?”
“Well, uh,” Jehovah said. “I’ll take my terrible swift sword and smote them, of course,” he explained.
“I don’t think so,” Absalom countered. “The Remusians are the key to this apocalypse, aren’t they? When Raphael blows the horn, nothing can stop them from eradicating Mankind.” Absalom’s face shifted, tensing. “However, until he actually blows it, there’s still a chance to stop them.”
“That’s why he’s the boss and I’m just a flunky,” Fat Boy said to Thor. “Can I hold Mjollner?” Thor handed it to him and Fat Boy dropped the hammer directly on his foot. “It’s a little heavy, youngster,” Thor chuckled. “Better use both hands.” Fat Boy hopped up and down one foot, a contented smile pushing through the pain.
Jehovah grimaced. He was not one to explain himself. The growing irritation had built into a unstoppable tide of fury. Raphael snickered inside. He had seen that look before.
“You bunch of ungrateful jerks!” Jehovah shouted. “I gave you everything. I gave you life. You exist only through my divine benevolence. So what did I ask for? A little worship. Thinking of me first in the mornings. Maybe skipping a meal occasionally. But no, all I get is disrespect. It’s all about you, you, you!” Jehovah stopped and pointed at Raphael. “When Raphael blows that horn, nothing will be able to stop the Remusians. In thirty days, it will just be me and the animals. I’ve got plans, big plans, for a whole new race of Mankind. They’ll be docile, obedient, and worshipful. Mankind Part 1 is finito. Now chain up Lucifer and let’s get this Apocalypse on the road.” Jehovah clapped his hands together, the sharp retort echoing in the dusty afternoon.
Absalom took the chain and started swinging it in a circle, turning with it, spinning faster and faster like a children’s top. With a grunt, he let go of the silver chain of love, letting it fly in an arc high into the Missouri sky, plunging down at its target.
Jehovah staggered as it struck him, the chain quickly wrapping around him like a bolas thrown by a South American gaucho. He hit the ground in a cloud of dust.
Absalom ran quickly over, pulling the keys out of his pocket. He knelt over the squirming Jehovah and clicked the lock closed, jabbing in the key, and turning it. He stood back quickly.
“Let me go!” Jehovah shouted. “I command you!”
“The chain is pure love,” Solly reminded him. “Since you are the God of Love, you should easily be able to slip out of the chains.”
Jehovah struggled harder. He looked beseechingly at Raphael. “Help me get out of this.”
“Nah,” Raphael said, tucking the trumpet under his arm. “I’m still mad that you made us destroy Sodom and Gomorrah and you still owe me overtime pay for those Guardian Angel jobs.”
The group gathered around the thrashing deity. “What are we going to do with him?” Eve asked.
“Absalom’s the man with the keys,” Lucifer said. “What do you think?”
Absalom mulled it over. He glanced down at the keys in his hand and back at Lucifer. “Can you call off the Remusians?”
“I’ll take care of that,” Lane said, producing his communicator. “I was feeling so good about our country drive I completely forgot that the man I left in charge was an evil, power-hungry corrupt little toadie.” He pushed a few buttons and listened to the device, covering the mouthpiece. “At one time, I would have called that a ‘positive performance review.’” He held a finger up. “OLSEN! What in Mother Mercy Remusia are you doing? Did I give you authority to start operations? Dead? I’ll let you know when I’m dead, you maggot, because I’ll be haunting you’re every bloody dream. Go throw yourself out of the airlock.” Lane looked up at his crew. They all shook their heads at him. “Belay that,” he said. “Cease operations immediately and go take a shower. Lane out.” He looked at the others. “Olsen hasn’t bathed since we left Remusia. He wants us to think he does it to make himself more intimidating. I’ll bet he’s just afraid of the water.” He gathered up his crew and went back into the bar, where they started discussing the possible fees they could earn for repairing Oskar’s. Silver suggested a salad bar.
Absalom looked over where a screaming Lilith was slapping Paris, trying to revive him. His eyes rolled around in his head after each blow. He looked back at Jehovah and his mouth started showing a bit of a smirk. A match made in Heaven, he thought.
Chapter 102[102]
Raphael stuck his hand out to Absalom. “It’s been a true pleasure, sir,” he said. “Solomon could have learned a few things from you.” He unfurled his wings and shot off quickly, hitting a good altitude and rolling onto his back, catching a few rays on his pale white skin.
“I’m off,” Poseidon said. He had the silver chain bound Jehovah and Lilith on his back in a fireman’s carry. They were back-to-back, cursing and shouting.
“Can you find it okay?” Lucifer said.
“Yessir boss,” Poseidon drawled. “I’ll tote that barge and left that bale right to Pit #63.”
“Pit #63?” snarled Jehovah. “What is there?”
“In honor of Lilith, we’re bringing back one of the classics,” Lucifer answered. “But we’ve modified it in both of your honors. Dante recorded it accurately in the Inferno. He wrote about the prideful penitents being punished by walking with stone slabs on their back, trying to give a little sense of humility. In your cases, we’ve decided to replace the slabs for Jehovah with Lilith, the first woman, and in her case, she gets to bear the burden of the Master of the Universe, giving the torment a personal touch that was so sorely missing in the previous edition.”
“Also,” Absalom added, “you’ll be delighted to know that I’ve personally chosen the audio selection for you. I hope you enjoy the smooth harmonies of the Fifth Dimension.”
“Not Aquarius!” shouted a frightened Lilith.
“Plus, Let the Sunshine In,” Fat Boy chimed in. “Featuring the Flesh Failures. You know, to remind you both of us.”
Poseidon ambled off, the burden on his back appearing weightless on his shoulders. He occasionally let his feet loose in a happy jig, twirling quickly and laughing.
“What will we do with no God?” Eve wondered aloud.
“What we’ve been doing anyway,” Absalom said. “Making the best of things on this Earth. The only difference for me is, now I know for sure that someday I’ll be reunited with my Evangeline. It makes all of this living, loving, laughing, and crying worthwhile.”
“I wonder why Jehovah never just bought an infomercial and explained everything to the world,” Fat Boy asked.
“No one would have believed him anyway,” Solly said. “The world turned into a cynical place a long time ago. Nothing short of the destruction of the Earth was going to change things.”
“I wish there was something we could do to change that,” Eve said. She hooked her arm around Lucifer’s waist. “Any ideas, honey?”
In The Lap Of The Gods Page 29