In The Lap Of The Gods
Page 30
“I don’t think that I would be the best spokesman for changes,” Lucifer chuckled. “I have image problems that I don’t think you can fix with any media makeovers.”
“What are you going to do?” Absalom asked Lucifer.
Lucifer turned pensive. “I still think the idea of reuniting families is a good one,” he said. “Maybe I could work out some kind of visitation program.”
“Mixing the living and the dead,” Fat Boy said. “sounds like a M. Night Shyamalan movie project.”
“I think it’s best to just leave things like they are,” Absalom said.
“You’re probably right,” Lucifer agreed. “I think I need to take the Queen Bee and go back to where I belong.” He goosed her tenderly. She swatted at him with the scepter. “I have a whole planet full of alcoholic, fighting, and bored citizens that need a little direction to help them pass eternity. It’s time to give them the Heaven they deserve, even if it’s in Hell. We’ll just change the signs. Nobody will ever know the difference.” He looked around the countryside. “This is a nice place. Maybe once I get things fixed up, I can come here and retire.” He looked at Absalom and the other living guys. “Just kidding.” He shook all of their hands, took Eve by the arm, and walked off toward the bar.
The Norse Gods were raucously laughing and shouting, much to the amusement of the other patrons. A brief drinking challenge had buckled the knees of Mike, Brian, and Jack, who were no match for the masters of mead. Lucifer tapped Odin on the shoulder. “It’s time for us to depart, my friend.”
Odin’s eyes misted up and he grabbed Lucifer in a bear hug, squeezing him with a small portion of his might. He put him down and the other Aesir circled him, offering best wishes, and patting him on the back. “What are your plans?” Lucifer asked.
“I think this world needs us,” Odin said. “We’ve had some brief talk already about repackaging ourselves into some kind of superhero club, you know, to take on evil and things like that.”
“They did some comic books about me,” Thor said. “Odin hated it because I ended up becoming more powerful than him.”
“That’s a lot of poetic license,” Odin said, grabbing Thor in a playful headlock and giving him a powerful noogie. “I never saw that in your little comic book, God of Thunder.”
Lucifer and Eve left the boisterous Norsemen to their horseplay. “Are you ready to go, my generals?” he asked Mukali and Paris, who were crossing swords in the parking lot. They nodded. “We’re going to put together some fencing tournaments,” Mukali said. “I’ve wanted a shot at Cyrano de Bergerac for a long time.” They kept hacking at each other as they followed Lucifer and Eve down the road.
“Hey, Lucifer!” came a shout. “Hang on!”
Lucifer turned and saw Absalom running up the road.
Eve pecked Lucifer on the cheek and he slipped a hand into the back pocket of her pants. She did the same and he laughed the laugh of a man whose soul was light as a feather and whose heart brimmed with a love for the everything that had or ever existed.
“Give Evangeline my love,” Absalom said.
“You bet,” Lucifer said.
“I’ll make sure that he does,” Eve said.
Absalom watched them stroll up the road. He felt a little pang of jealousy, not just for the love that oozed from their very pores, but because they were going to get to see Evangeline. He turned back and somberly rejoined the remaining men.
Marvel wasn’t sure what to do. “I’ve been waiting around so long for something to happen, now that it has occurred, I have absolutely no direction,” he said to Absalom. “You know, like the Spaniard in The Princess Bride.”
“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die,” Fat Boy quoted.
“You’ve got it,” Marvel said. “I suppose I could go back and keep working the beer business with my brothers, but frankly, I’m sick and tired of the smell.”
“Have you considered working in the book industry?” Absalom asked.
Marvel scratched his head. “I think I would probably be better suited working in a place that sold movies or maybe be an usher at a Cineplex. That would be so sweet. Free movie popcorn if you treat the counter girl right.”
Absalom turned to Fat Boy. “Then I guess I’ll just leave the business to you. Would you be interested in taking over the bookstore?”
“Be the boss? Then I wouldn’t have to take crap off anybody!”
“You don’t take any crap now,” Absalom reminded him. He fished the keys to Heaven from his pocket. “I want you to take these as well.” He offered the gold and silver keys to the shocked Fat Boy.
“If I were to take these,” Fat Boy said, “I will be having those weird dreams like you did, right?”
“Probably,” Absalom said.
“That would be so groovy,” Fat Boy exclaimed. “Take a trip and never leave the farm. Wait.” He stopped his reaching hand, freezing it in mid-grab. “But I’ll also have the responsibility of being the only one on Earth that can release Joe and his living shadow.” He mused for a minute. “Responsibility and I are typically not on speaking terms. He is the enemy of my personal freedom.”
“So was Jehovah,” Solly reminded him. “Maybe by taking the keys you can look at it as a blow against the tyranny of oppression.”
Fat Boy pumped his fist into the air. “In your face!” he shouted to no one in particular. He snatched the keys from Absalom’s hand and ran back to the bar, slapping the beer-sodden Norse Gods on the butts like a Nordic gluteus maximus xylophone.
Solly and Absalom stood by themselves in the parking lot. The hole in the front of Oskar’s was a gaping mouth that gave the bar a bombed-out Beirut appearance that was horribly out of context in the serenity of the soybean fields with a backdrop of combines in the air. “You want a drink?” Solly asked, tilting his head toward the bar.
Absalom shook his head. “You go ahead, Solly. I’m not in a celebrating mood, I guess. In the last couple of days, I’ve been tricked by Satan, relived my wife’s death in agonizing detail, and successfully bound the benevolent and loving God of my childhood and condemned him to an eternity in Hell attached to an immortal sociopath.”
“That would explain your bad mood,” Solly agreed wryly. “Of course, you’re leaving out the part where you saved the Earth, at least for now. Maybe you can get some consolation from that.” He licked his lips. “I need to whet my whistle. It’s a long trip back to sunny Florida.” He dug around in his bag and pulled out the Holy Grail. “Cheers,” he said, raising the cup to Absalom and he walked toward the bar, cleaning the inside of the grail with his shirttail.
A pickup trucked crawled into the parking lot, crunching gravel and blaring steel guitars. A blonde woman stuck her head out of the driver’s window.
“You needing a ride, fellow?” she asked.
Absalom paused, the whole episode tumbling through his mind, thumping hard as it careened crazily back and forth inside his skull.
“No,” Absalom said. “I think I’m okay.”
Synchronicity beamed approvingly. “That’s just what I figured. Sleep well!” she said, waving at him as she drove away.
That night, under a blanket of fiercely burning stars, in an open field of clover, Absalom Jones slept, dreamlessly.
Epilogue
Elijah and Enoch pushed themselves through the boisterous Norse Gods and found a spot at the bar. Elijah raised a finger to Oskar and Enoch slapped it with the clipboard.
“Crikey,” Elijah whined. “It’s bad enough that you confiscated my clipboard and caused me grievous psychological pain. You don’t have to get physically abusive with it and add to my woes.” He rubbed his finger pitifully. “Just one drink?”
Enoch shook his head. “Nope. Remember the terms of the bet. No drinking until the day before the true end of the world.”
“That won’t allow much time, especially if I’m on the wagon for an extended period.” Elijah licked his lips. “How about no drinking until
a week before the end?”
Enoch grabbed a handful of peanuts and crunched them thoughtfully. “Okay, that seems fair enough.” He waved at the bartender and ordered two draft beers. Elijah raised his eyebrows. “Is it 2-for-1 Happy Hour or the Last Call?”
Enoch smiled grimly, and turned the clipboard face down.
“Drink up,” he said.
* * *
[1]
Just One Step Between Heaven and Hell
[2]
The Day the Ships Came to Town
[3]
My Melancholy Blues
[4]
Dreamer’s Ball
[5]
The Electric Prunes
[6]
My Journal Can Beat Up Your Journal
[7]
When In Doubt, Call A Mongel
[8]
Wine Spo-Dee-O-Dee
[9]
The Flood as Related by Noah to Chub
[10]
Listen, Do You Want To Know A Secret
[11]
Great Grandpa Enoch
[12]
The Long Papyrus Notebook
[13]
The Universe Is Not Only Queerer
[14]
A Novel WItohout A Hero (with subtitles)
[15]
A Slight Bit of Hope
[16]
A Fool and His Honey (are soon parted)
[17]
Accordion to Slim
[18]
The Green Valley Grasscutters Hit the Road
[19]
Lunch With An Angel
[20]
The Last Contra
[21]
Tea For The Tillerman
[22]
The Eternal Highway
[23]
Home Is Where the Hearth Is
[24]
Prelude
[25]
The Nick Of Time
[26]
The Christmas Party
[27]
Sittin’ Up With The Dead
[28]
Recruitment
[29]
Eve’s Last Day
[30]
The Book Tail
[31]
Collaberations
[32]
Dancing With Mr. D.
[33]
To Sleep
[34]
I Wish I Were In The Land of Cotton
[35]
John Steinbeck, Won’t You Please Come Home?
[36]
I Have The Map!
[37]
Lane and the Subtle Art of Persusaion
[38]
This is the Last Resort
[39]
Skating Away on the Thin Ice of A New Day
[40]
The House of Red Shag
[41]
The Circus Came To Twon
[42]
Max McGee
[43]
Love Remusian Style
[44]
The Map and The Kitsch
[45]
Lucifer Addresses the Troops
[46]
The Chinese Restaurant
[47]
The Remusians Scout It Out
[48]
Baldur’s Dilemma
[49]
Lilith Is So Pissed
[50]
Lilith Goes to Heaven
[51]
Welcome to the Hotel Boscobel
[52]
The City Of God
[53]
Eve’s Place
[54]
Backwards Masking In Heaven
[55]
Mutiny on the Flotsam
[56]
Play the Game Tonight
[57]
In the Beginning, God Created the Remusians
[58]
Inevitable
[59]
Wings and Things
[60]
A Saint’s Story
[61]
Lilith and Eve Hash It Out
[62]
The Device
[63]
Well Hello, Solly
[64]
It’s In the Vault
[65]
Chain Of Fools
[66]
Heaven Can’t Wait
[67]
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
[68]
Welcome To Abraham’s Bosom
[69]
Baiting The Trap
[70]
The Pearly Gate
[71]
The Grail and I
[72]
Save The Last Dance For Me
[73]
Dibs on the Ribs
[74]
Jehovah Goes Back To His Office
[75]
Back To Hell
[76]
Chai Lattes For Everyone
[77]
In the City of the Beermeisters
[78]
Marvel Has A Secret
[79]
Misty
[80]
Uh-Oh
[81]
Where the Rubber Hits the Road
[82]
Sanity
[83]
The Moody Mongol Speaks
[84]
Fight
[85]
Paris Departs
[86]
Mighty
[87]
Helpful Paris
[88]
Paris and Lilith on the Beach
[89]
The Remusians Meet Ol’ Man River
[90]
Haven
[91]
Belphegor’s Plan
[92]
Lost In The Grove
[93]
This is it !
[94]
The Madness Of Lucifer is Gone
[95]
Belphegor
[96]
The Finale: Eve
[97]
Finale: Lucifer and the Norse Gods
[98]
The Finale: The Remusians
[99]
Eve and Lucifer, Sitting In A Tree
[100]
Gator
[101]
Deus Ex Machina
[102]
Farewell