Witch Glitch

by Sibéal Pounder

  CHALLENGE TWO: CARAVAN CONUNDRUM.

  33

  Cloaks Galore

  Senior Karen danced around in her gigantic new wardrobe filled with sparkly cloaks, singing ‘Fran, Fran, For Ever’.

  ‘Has there been anyone

  More fabulous ever?

  Nopedy nope!

  Fran, Fran, for ever,

  Darling.’

  ‘Really sticks in your head, that song, doesn’t it, darling?’

  Senior Karen stopped and swiftly turned on her heel to face the witch who had dared to interrupt her. ‘Oh, it’s you. What is it, Karen?’ she spat.

  ‘Well, darling,’ began Mismatched-Ears Karen. ‘They passed the first test. The ghost fairies, Melissa Mushroomery, darling.’

  ‘I told you to make the tests IMPOSSIBLE, DARLING!’ Senior Karen roared.

  Mismatched-Ears Karen nodded. ‘It was, it really was!’

  Senior Karen threw on a cloak and admired herself in the mirror as Karen the cat weaved between her legs. ‘Well, make sure they can’t pass the next one.’

  ‘Yes, your darlingness. We are going to do another test with the fairies, only much more difficult.’

  ‘Not difficult,’ Senior Karen snapped. ‘IMPOSSIBLE. We want them stuck. We want them desperate enough to make many wishes!’

  Mismatched-Ears Karen bowed her head and began backing towards the door. ‘There’s something else, darling. Probably nothing,’ she added quietly.

  ‘Well … SPEAK UP, darling, what is it?’

  Mismatched-Ears Karen picked at her nails and whispered, ‘Two more witches just arrived – on the Sinkville Express.’

  ‘Wishers, darling?’ Senior Karen asked eagerly.

  Mismatched-Ears Karen shook her head. ‘I think they’re here to save Tiga … Lots of talk about Tiga.’

  Senior Karen erupted into a fit of croaky cackles. ‘Well, make sure they’re stuck with Tiga and her little friends – more witches, more chance of wishes.’

  34

  Peggy and Felicity Fall

  into the Badlands

  Tiga couldn’t believe it when she saw Peggy and Felicity Bat somersaulting through the air and crash-landing in Fran’s large beehive, which she was sure looked a lot more voluptuous than normal …

  Felicity Bat levitated around Fran, trying to untangle Peggy, who was flailing and spluttering, ‘Beehive! Trapped! Air!’

  ‘What are you both doing here?!’ Tiga cried. She’d never been so relieved to see Peggy, even if Fran’s beehive had nearly suffocated her.

  ‘We found some documents that suggested the Karens are dangerous and then we realised you were probably here. The Karens are extremely dangerous!’ Peggy rambled. ‘Their wishes have twists.’

  ‘I know,’ Tiga said glumly. ‘I know …’

  ‘If you see their jelly castle or their book, they can contact you, tempt you to make a wish,’ Peggy explained. ‘We need to get you out of here. Also, I really need to speak to Mavis about selling fake cats that are actually jam jars shaped like cats.’

  ‘I should’ve known the Karens were trouble,’ Tiga said, opening the Karens’ book. Inside there was a new chapter, including a drawing of her screaming at the expired fairies.

  ‘Tell them about Moo!’ Lucy Tatty said, pulling on Tiga’s sleeve.

  Felicity Bat raised her hands in the air and flicked both fingers at once, finally freeing Peggy from the beehive and sending her head first into the iron door. Tiga helped her to her feet.

  ‘It’s gone!’ Lucy Tatty gasped, as Tiga turned to see a very different-looking Fran. Whatever spell Felicity Bat had done to free Peggy had left nothing but a glittering bald head.

  ‘What’s gone?’ Fran asked.

  ‘The … time!’ Tiga said quickly. ‘Yes, where has the time gone? We’ve all known each other for so long now!’

  Lucy Tatty pointed a finger at Fran’s bald head. ‘No, I meant her –’

  ‘ON TO THE NEXT CHALLENGE!’ Tiga roared, hoping Lucy would take the hint. She widened her eyes at Felicity Bat, who nodded and, with a quick flick, summoned a jelly hedge from the garden and placed it on Fran’s head.

  ‘What was that?’ Fran asked, feeling her new hair.

  Tiga held her breath.

  ‘It’s a jelly hedge!’ Lucy Tatty said.

  ‘No, dear,’ Fran said, turning to Tiga and giving her a where did you find this one look. ‘It’s hair. Not h-e-d-g-e. Hair.’

  ‘Hair?’ Lucy Tatty said.

  Fran patted her on the back. ‘There you go! They say you learn a new thing every day.’

  Lucy Tatty just stared at her.

  ‘Righto,’ Fran said chirpily, her hedge of hair wobbling. ‘Onwards! Now we have more witches to help us get out of here.’

  ‘Why?’ Peggy asked. ‘Are you lost?’

  ‘No, dear, trapped,’ Fran explained.

  Tiga hung her head in shame. ‘I made a wish … to get Fran out of here, but then they trapped me.’

  Felicity Bat nodded. ‘The twist, of course. They always add a twist to their wishes.’ She tried to levitate up and out but something in the air forced her back down. She battled against it, pushing at the air above her, a furious look fixed on her face. It was no good. She landed with a plop, like someone had switched her magic off.

  ‘Ugh! Great, I’m stuck with three substandard witches and an oversized fairy with a hedge on her head,’ she moaned.

  ‘Oh, not you too,’ Fran said. ‘It’s hair. H-a-i-r.’

  Tiga wasn’t paying attention. She was already heading for the door.

  ‘What do you think that is?’ Peggy said, as the door swung open to reveal hundreds of light bulbs, like a theatre show was beckoning them inside.

  ‘SHOW BUSINESS,’ Fran said, as if she was in a trance.

  ‘SECOND CHALLENGE, DARLINGS,’ a voice boomed, as all five of them were sucked into the doorway.

  35

  Caravan Conundrum

  ‘Game Show Time!’ the little fairy who looked like a mushroom in a dress said, cracking her knuckles.

  ‘Excuse me,’ Fran said, taking a large step forward. ‘I present all Sinkville game shows.’

  Tiga turned to see a large audience of expired fairies seated behind her. Most of the room was made of jelly, with a jelly stage and a jelly curtain. Bright lights flashed overhead, spelling out ‘CARAVAN CONUNDRUM!’

  Felicity Bat sighed. ‘Seriously, Tiga. Why does stuff like this always happen to you?’

  Peggy eyed the fairies suspiciously. ‘Are they dead? Why can I see right through them?’

  ‘They call themselves expired fairies,’ Lucy Tatty whispered. ‘They make me faint.’

  ‘Remember, you can make a wish to get out of here at any time. Or wish to know the answer. Or wish for … a pony with your face painted on its hooves. Anything.’

  ‘Yes,’ Tiga said through gritted teeth. ‘We know.’

  ‘So, what’s Caravan Conundrum?’ Peggy asked, as five caravans on strings were winched down from the ceiling to her eye level.

  ‘In one of the fairy caravans,’ the fairy said grandly, ‘I have hidden an extremely large and heavy rock. Tiga needs to figure out which caravan it is hidden in, without touching the caravans at all.’ She folded her arms and smiled smugly. ‘You can begin.’

  One of the caravans strained and snapped from its string, landing with an almighty clang at Tiga’s feet.

  ‘That one,’ Tiga said.

  The fairy smacked her invisible head with her invisible hand. ‘How does she do it?!’

  36

  Put the Cauldron

  Away, Karen

  Senior Karen glided into the room where the other Karens were huddled.

  ‘Darling, for the final test, I think we should do away with the expired fairies. What about a gigantic bat wearing socks?’ Mismatched-Ears Karen suggested.

  ‘Why socks, darling?’ Tall Karen asked.

  ‘Well, darling, it’s strange, isn’t it? Strange things are s
cary, darling.’

  ‘Some strange things are just STUPID,’ Small Karen said.

  ‘WHY ARE THEY PASSING THE IMPOSSIBLE TESTS?!’ Senior Karen screeched, making them all gasp.

  ‘We didn’t see you there!’ Cheese-Grater Karen rambled nervously.

  ‘Brains,’ Tall Karen said. ‘That’s why they keep passing the tests. It’s extraordinary.’

  ‘SILENCE!’ Senior Karen bellowed. ‘The tests are stupid – the expired fairies, the caravans, that nonsense smog machine!’ She stomped a foot on the smog machine, crushing it completely.

  Smog-Machine Karen let out a faint wail.

  ‘They must not complete the third challenge. We must keep them here for as long as possible,’ Senior Karen went on. ‘Let me deal with the third challenge.’

  ‘Bravo, darling!’ Trifle Karen said, stirring a cauldron.

  ‘Why are you stirring a cauldron?’ Senior Karen snapped. ‘What’s in it?’

  ‘It’s, well, nothing. Just bubbling water, darling, I thought it would look good – all witchy and so on.’

  ‘PUT IT AWAY, DARLING,’ Senior Karen demanded. ‘You know the rules about boiling water.’

  37

  Cheats

  With yet another bang, Tiga, Fran with her hedge hair, Lucy Tatty, Peggy and Felicity Bat landed with a thud back in the garden.

  ‘We’re right back where we started, again!’ Fran cried. ‘CHEATS!’

  Tiga looked up to see a familiar sparkly cloak billowing in the wind.

  ‘Congratulations on getting this far,’ Senior Karen said, through gritted teeth. She was standing on a wobbling jelly balcony just above them, her face as angular as the mountain terrain that towered in the distance.

  She turned and stared at Felicity Bat. ‘Would you like to make a wish, darling?’

  ‘Don’t,’ Tiga hissed.

  ‘No,’ Felicity Bat said, sounding like she was bored.

  ‘You, darling?’ Senior Karen said, pointing at Peggy.

  Peggy linked arms with Tiga. ‘NEVER.’

  ‘Very well, worth a try,’ she said, cracking a smile. ‘Now for the final challenge. If you pass the test, you will be left at the jelly bridge. If not, you’re stuck here.’

  A measly puff of smog erupted next to Tiga. It was barely a puff at all.

  ‘It’s well and truly broken, darling,’ Smog-Machine Karen said, emerging from behind a jelly wall and plonking the machine on the ground in front of Tiga.

  Felicity Bat crossed her arms. ‘What’s this final test, then?’

  Senior Karen cackled and croaked and then had a bit of a coughing fit. She cleared her throat and pointed at the new ornate iron door in the hedge. ‘WARDROBE WARS!’

  Felicity Bat put her head in her hands. ‘Is nothing truly evil any more?’

  38

  Fran’s Face

  Back in Ritzy City, the pipe above Linden House began to groan and bulge until it burst, sending an aggressive waterfall down on the place.

  Crispy hovered outside, muttering bad words under her breath as she watched her fabulous painting of Fran’s face run down the wall.

  ‘You know, I think it still looks like her,’ Fluffanora said, taking a couple of steps back and nodding. ‘It’s more like Fran in the morning than Fran in the afternoon.’

  The paint from the nose dribbled down into Fran’s perfectly painted mouth.

  ‘I’ll just have to start again,’ Crispy wailed, throwing her spindly arms in the air and flying towards Brew’s fashion boutique.

  ‘No!’ Aggie Hoof cried. ‘YOU CAN’T DEFACE BREW’S! IT’S HEAVEN!’

  ‘Go for it,’ Fluffanora said, pushing Aggie Hoof down a side street. ‘It smells of cheese anyway.’

  39

  Wardrobe Wars

  Tiga landed in a place so cluttered she couldn’t make out its walls. It was large and filled with rails of sparkly cloaks, piles of shoes, some old tights and hundreds of wide-brimmed hats.

  ‘WARDROBE WARS!’ boomed Senior Karen from somewhere Tiga couldn’t place. ‘YOU HAVE TO FIGHT OFF ALL THE ITEMS IN THE WARDROBE AND ESCAPE! THREE-TWO-ONE A-GO.’

  Tiga looked around just in time to see an army of glittering cloaks flying towards her. She tried to bat them away as a pair of sequinned leggings trotted over and tripped her up. A bunch of shoes landed on her and started lightly smacking her face while the cloaks hovered above her head.

  ‘HELP!’ Tiga cried. ‘I’M BEING –’ She didn’t even want to say it, it was so silly. ‘BEING ATTACKED BY RANDOM ITEMS OF CLOTHING! HELP!’

  Four hats lined up and started rolling her faster and faster around the wardrobe.

  ‘PEGGY?!’ she cried. ‘LUCY?! FELICITY?! … FRAN?’

  ‘COMPLETE THE CHALLENGE TO BE REUNITED WITH YOUR FRIENDS,’ Senior Karen’s voice bellowed. ‘OR MAKE A WISH TO ESCAPE.’

  Tiga rolled back on to her stomach and started crawling fast towards the opposite corner, as the leggings trotted along behind her, kicking her every so often.

  ‘MAKE IT STOP, KARENS!’ she bellowed.

  ‘ALL YOU HAVE TO DO,’ came Senior Karen’s booming voice, ‘IS MAKE A WISH.’

  ‘NEVER!’ Tiga cried as she felt something wiggle in her pocket.

  ‘DENNIS!’ Tiga cried. ‘I FORGOT ABOUT YOU!’ She pulled the tights from her pocket and untied them as two sparkly robes tried to scoop her up.

  Dennis stretched his legs and bounded over to some questionable silver jumpsuits.

  ‘Help me and I won’t turn you in to Peggy,’ Tiga pleaded.

  Dennis hopped slightly on one foot, clearly contemplating the offer. Tiga grabbed a shoe that was kicking her in the chin and threw it at the cloaks.

  ‘IT’S NOW OR NEVER, DENNIS!’ Tiga roared, and just like that, Dennis sprang into action, stretching all the way around the wardrobe and scooping the cloaks and leggings, hats and kicking shoes into one neat pile.

  Tiga felt around the walls. There didn’t seem to be a door. She thought.

  ‘YOU CAN STILL MAKE A WISH TO GET YOU OUT OF THERE,’ came Senior Karen’s voice.

  ‘NO!’ Tiga yelled, shouting up at nothing. Well, not nothing.

  ‘A trapdoor, Dennis!’ she cried.

  Dennis made quick work of the bewitched clothes, tying them into a fabulous knot with the spare pair of tights.

  ‘Right, Dennis, now get me out of here!’

  Dennis came bounding over and reached a leg up, knocking the door open and securing his foot on something. The other foot was on tiptoe, shaking next to Tiga.

  ‘You can do it, Dennis,’ Tiga said, as in one swift move Dennis lifted the foot in the air, wrapped it tightly around Tiga’s waist and hoisted her up.

  40

  Um …

  ‘Darling, why are there some tights wrapped around my leg?’ Smog-Machine Karen asked.

  ‘Because that’s where you put tights, darling,’ Tall Karen said.

  ‘No, no, darling,’ said Smog-Machine Karen. ‘These are not my tights, but they came out of that trapdoor and wrapped around my leg.

  ‘Aren’t they the criminal tights, darling?’ Trifle Karen said to Jewel-Covered Karen.

  Tiga was slowly hoisted into the room.

  She gasped.

  The Karens gasped.

  ‘Strange way to make an entrance,’ Small Karen squeaked.

  ‘Ahha,’ Tiga said, as Dennis unwrapped himself from her waist and tucked himself into Tiga’s pocket. ‘I win.’

  ‘How does she do it?’ Cheese-Grater Karen mused. ‘You’re as magical as a cheese grater.’

  High up in one of the Jelly Castle turrets, Senior Karen bounced her head off a jelly desk, muttering, ‘How. Did. She. Do. It?’

  ‘Croak,’ Karen the cat said.

  Senior Karen swivelled to face the cat. ‘I bet you a jelly tower that Tiga will destroy or hide our book, and her little friend Peggy will warn about taking the train to the Badlands. They’ll block off all our contact like those meddling witches did years ago. How ar
e we going to reach potential wishers now? We’re never going to be able to get anything we want EVER AGAIN.’ She planted her face in the jelly desk again.

  ‘Perhaps you’d like to see this new cake from the new cake tower, darling, to cheer you up? We’re calling them Kakes,’ Jelly-Horse Karen said, pushing an elaborate cream lump covered in swirls of black oozy stuff in front of her. ‘It’s a prototype, so it’s not actually edible.’

  Slowly, Senior Karen raised her head and looked at it, a glint of mischief in her eye. ‘Karen, darling, you have just handed me the perfect plan …’

  ‘What kind of plan?’ Jelly-Horse Karen asked.

  ‘A cake plan, darling,’ Senior Karen said with a croaky cackle. ‘We’re going to get one step ahead of them and transfer the power from the book to this cake. We’ll give it to that kind little witch Peggy – ask her to put it in the baker’s window. Say we need her to advertise our new business, darling. KAKES BY KARENS. We’ll tell her we’ve turned good. We’re not obsessed with wishes any more, we’re obsessed with BAKING. She’s too sweet not to believe it. Oh, darling, darling, thousands of witches must walk past the Ritzy City bakery every day, darling. They’ll see our Kake, and soon we’ll tempt all of Sinkville here!’

  41

  Free to Go, and Kake

  ‘Well, that was all extremely weird,’ Tiga said, as she stepped out of Entrance C, this time to find the jelly bridge there, along with her friends and a still-large Fran.

  Tiga was sure Fran was even taller than before …

  ‘Um, darling,’ Jelly-Horse Karen said quietly to Peggy. ‘We’ve stopped being strange and don’t care about getting wishes any more.’

  Peggy looked from the witch to the Jelly Castle. ‘Well, that’s excellent!’

  Jelly-Horse Karen pulled her to the side and held out the weird prototype Kake. ‘We’re bakers now, darling. We were wondering if you would give it to the Ritzy City baker – if they put it in their window, it might drum up interest in our Kakes. Then we could send them lots of yummy wishes – I mean Kakes. It would really help us launch our business, darling.’