Witch Glitch

by Sibéal Pounder

  ‘And,’ Tiga said, her eyes wide, ‘if the spell wears off, the Karens would just be toads again!’

  ‘Exactly,’ Gretal Green said with a nod.

  ‘So what is the thing, what’s the battery?’ Tiga asked.

  Gretal Green scrunched up her nose and looked deep in thought. Fluffanora was holding a spoon looking at a slug view of the jelly castle, and Felicity Bat was looking at the little wish slip the Karens had sent her.

  Felicity Bat levitated lower. ‘They mention here not to bring a hot bath. Why would someone do that? Bring a hot bath to the Badlands?’

  ‘TO WASH,’ Fran suggested, making the office rattle.

  ‘And,’ Felicity Bat went on, ‘on that wish slip we caught careering through the air for Nottie, it had something about hot drinks.’

  ‘Very strange,’ Gretal Green said.

  ‘It’s like they’re afraid of them for some reason.’

  Felicity Bat grinned. ‘I know how to do it. How to break the spell.’

  ‘BRAVO!’ Fran cheered, patting Felicity Bat on the back and sending her somersaulting across the room, straight into a wall.

  ‘If she’s dead,’ Fluffanora said, turning to Fran, ‘you are definitely going to burst.’

  ‘Hot water,’ Felicity Bat said from the crumple of limbs and hat and shoes she had rolled into in the corner. ‘They are scared of hot water, because –’

  Fluffanora waved the spoon. ‘Because it would melt this.’

  Tiga picked it up and stared at it. ‘The jelly castle. You’re a genius, Felicity Bat!’

  ‘Obviously.’

  Tiga grinned. ‘But how do we melt such an enormous jelly castle?’

  Fluffanora put down her takeaway Clutterbucks cup in front of Tiga and sighed. ‘It seems impossible.’

  Tiga stared at the cup, her eyes wide. ‘I HAVE AN IDEA!’

  53

  Gloria Explains

  The plan was simple, and inspired by the pipe Gretal Green had rigged in Tiga’s bedroom to transport Clutterbucks drinks direct from the Clutterbucks café. They’d do the same, only on a much bigger scale, and to a pipe directly above the jelly castle in the Badlands. All of them would hide in the Sinkville Express, with the hundreds of excited witches who wanted to make wishes. When they passed the pipe, Felicity Bat would levitate up and activate it, spilling gallons of hot Clutterbucks cocktails down on to the jelly castle, melting it and turning the Karens back into toads. Fran, meanwhile, would sneak along behind – but far enough back that the Karens wouldn’t see her until the hot Clutterbucks was raining down on their castle. At first Tiga was reluctant to bring Fran, but Felicity Bat persuaded her it was a good idea. As the well known saying goes, you never know when you might need a glittery giant.

  The potential downside of the whole plan was the contraption failed to work and all the witches made wishes, wreaking havoc on Sinkville. Who knew how gigantic the Karens’ castle would get if they granted all those new wishes? Tiga shuddered at the thought of such ‘expansion, darling’.

  Tiga marched past the Silver City fountain, the others scuttling along behind.

  ‘Wait! Tiga!’ came a familiar cry. ‘YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN NEEDS YOU!’

  ‘No time, Lucy!’ Tiga said, turning to see her little friend racing towards her, a bandy-legged, high-kicking grandmother at her side.

  ‘Oh, hello, Gloria Tatty,’ Tiga said.

  ‘GLORIA TATTY!’ Fluffanora said, clutching her heart. ‘I love Melissa’s Broken Broom. Why did you say you didn’t write The Karens, when clearly you did?’

  Gloria Tatty looked taken aback. ‘Because I didn’t write it.’

  ‘Well, it doesn’t matter,’ Felicity Bat said. ‘We’ve figured out how to destroy the Karens and we’re off to do that now. They’ve already got to most of the witches in Ritzy City, and it won’t be long before they get to the witches of Silver City. I hope you’re pleased with yourself.’

  Gloria Tatty grabbed Tiga’s arm. ‘You must not destroy the Karens!’

  ‘We have to,’ Tiga said, twisting free of her grasp. ‘And we’re running out of time.’ She made to walk away, but Gloria Tatty leg-kicked her way around so she was standing in front of her, blocking her path.

  ‘Really, Gloria,’ Gretal Green said, stepping in. ‘What is all this about?’

  Tiga stared at Gloria Tatty, trying to work her out. Every eye twitch, every wrinkle, every slight curling of the lip, none of it revealed anything about her. She definitely wasn’t evil, but why would she want the Karens to keep going?

  ‘Lucy told me you met Moo,’ she said quietly.

  ‘Moo?’ Felicity Bat asked.

  ‘My friend, Moo,’ Gloria Tatty said sadly. ‘My only friend, Moo.’

  Tiga gasped. She remembered what Gloria Tatty had said all those weeks ago in Rainbow Bones.

  I don’t have any friends. Well, I have one. But he lives far, far away.

  Lucy Tatty stepped forward and held up a little painting of Moo. ‘He was her wish. When she was little she drew him, and when she went to the Karens she wished for him to be real.’

  ‘But they twisted the wish. The twist was that I only had one friend, and that friend was Moo.’

  Tiga looked at Felicity Bat, who tapped her watch. Tiga bit her lip and sat down on the fountain. ‘Go on, Gloria.’

  Felicity Bat threw her hands in the air. ‘Good witches, ugh! Why?’

  ‘I visit him sometimes, in their garden. But I make sure never to open up the Karens’ line of communication with the rest of Sinkville,’ Gloria Tatty said. ‘I tried to stop you getting involved, tried to take the book from you, but you ran away.’

  ‘I knew it was you,’ Felicity Bat whispered, staring at Gloria Tatty. ‘I am a genius.’

  ‘So how did you first discover the Karens?’ Tiga asked.

  Gloria Tatty took a seat on the edge of the fountain. ‘Oh, I didn’t discover them. I invented them.’

  54

  That Makes Sense …

  ‘So, wait,’ Tiga said. ‘You’re telling us that you started writing a book called The Karens, about a coven of witches who lived in the Badlands. ’

  Gloria Tatty nodded. ‘I was fascinated by what might be in the Badlands. No one ever went there. ’

  ‘Right,’ Tiga went on. ‘You put it on your shelf and then one day, when you were making a jam potion in a Crinkle Cauldron, something went wrong, there was a bang, everything fell from your bookshelf, including The Karens and the thirteen toads that lived in your kitchen. ’

  Gloria Tatty sighed. ‘That is correct. ’

  ‘And somehow, the slightly skewed spell for jam and the Karens and the toads all combined to make the book real. ’

  ‘With the addition of the jelly castle,’ Gloria Tatty explained. ‘I didn’t write that bit … must have something to do with the jam. So ridiculous! Who would put a jelly castle in a book?’

  ‘So then what happened?’ Tiga asked.

  ‘Well,’ Gloria Tatty said, shifting awkwardly on the fountain. ‘I made my Moo wish, which of course they twisted. But before I knew they were bad news, I let some of my friends make wishes, too. Including Lucinda Bunch, who wanted to build a railway. She wished for the Sinkville Express – the most magical, majestic railway to ever make its way through the sky.

  ‘Of course they twisted that too, and extended the track to go over the Badlands – a way of enticing witches to their jelly castle. Luckily, there were always horrible rumours of the Badlands and what might live there, so witches tended to jump off at Silver City or Driptown and go no further. Wait for it to come back around. ’

  ‘And does the railway always break because of Lucinda Bunch’s wish?’ Felicity Bat asked.

  Gloria Tatty shook her head. ‘No, that was because of a wish our friend Cathy made. She couldn’t be bothered making her way up and down to the station, so she asked that they make it easier for her – she was thinking some private steps. But the Karens just bewitched a carriage to fall off the track
s instead. Technically, it was quicker for her to get off the Sinkville Express. They enjoy a twist … My friend Eddie wished she had the best shoe shop in Sinkville, so she got Shoes by Karen. ’

  ‘And the twist was they made her shoes like rockets!’ Tiga cried. ‘We saw an old lady wearing them. ’

  Gloria Tatty shook her head. ‘No, her shoes were always like that. They changed her name to Karen. Every time she said Eddie, it came out as Karen. My friend Lucinda Bunch wasn’t much worried about witches discovering the jelly castle, as they never went to the Badlands, but during her reign as Top Witch, evil Celia Crayfish closed down the railway anyway, as a way of isolating the cities, especially Silver City, where all the NAPA witches lived.

  ‘Oh, I felt terrible for turning the toads into witches. I went along to a self-help group for witches who had done bad toad transformation spells. It was called TOAD TRANSFORMATION DISASTERS INC., but it was just witches who had turned people into toads, princes mainly, not the other way around! So I didn’t mention the Karens, I just lied and said I was there to get inspiration for a book. I mean, who would turn a bunch of toads into troublemaking witches? This witch,’ she said, pointing at herself. ‘That’s who. ’

  ‘It could happen to anyone,’ Fluffanora lied.

  ‘Lucinda Bunch decided to leave and go and live with the witches in the Coves. She told me to destroy the book and never speak of it again. But I worried if I destroyed it something bad might happen to Moo,’ Gloria Tatty explained. ‘So I hid it, behind the wall of the Silver Stacks bookshop. But then Tiga found the book and Fran made a wish. ’

  ‘I must say,’ Gretal Green said, stepping in, ‘while my daughter did find the book, I don’t think she would’ve made a wish without being incredibly suspicious of the Karens, and the only reason Fran made a wish was because I pushed her out of town with my little invented fairy Zarkle. ’

  ‘I FORGIVE YOU,’ Fran said grandly, placing a finger on Gretal Green’s shoulder.

  ‘It’s my fault for finding the book,’ Tiga said.

  ‘No, it’s my fault for inventing Zarkle,’ Gretal Green insisted.

  ‘I AM TO BLAME!’

  ‘Right, right, enough of this,’ Felicity Bat said impatiently. ‘For argument’s sake, let’s just say you’re all to blame, yes?’

  They turned and glared at her.

  ‘What?’ she said. ‘This is one disaster you can’t pin on me. ’

  Felicity Bat had a point. ‘We have to turn the Karens back into toads – they’re too dangerous. ’ Tiga paused; she didn’t want to say it. ‘If we destroy the Karens, we can’t save Moo if he’s a wish. ’

  Gloria Tatty hung her head. Lucy cuddled into her side.

  ‘I understand,’ Gloria Tatty said.

  ‘Finally,’ Felicity Bat said, completely inappropriately, before marching towards the Silver City train station. ‘The train with Peggy on it should be here in a minute. ’

  55

  Back to That Jelly

  Castle

  ‘Oh, I hope this works,’ Peggy said, as Tiga explained the plan to her in the carriage. Gretal Green and Fluffanora were in the carriage behind. Lucy Tatty had decided to stay at home with her gran, partly to be nice and partly because she was terrified of being trapped in a jelly castle again.

  Every witch, each dressed up in her best gown and crammed into the Sinkville Express, was speaking at ear-splitting volume, shouting wishes, and delighting in the expected glory. Tiga wondered if maybe they’d have a rebellion on their hands afterwards, if they succeeded in destroying the jelly castle and no one got to make a wish.

  The train rattled on into the barren land of the Badlands.

  She looked behind her. Her mum was giving her the thumbs up. They were only moments away now. Tiga and Peggy had agreed to jump down first, as the train continued along on the track, in case the Karens came out of their castle and spotted Felicity Bat tampering with the pipe. They’d have to distract them.

  ‘Oh, hello, Karens,’ Peggy practised quietly. ‘I’ve just come to tell you how much everyone in Ritzy liked the look of your Kake – and I’m not just distracting you because Felicity Bat is up there readying to pour hot Clutterbucks cocktail on your jelly castle. ’ She sighed. ‘Why can’t I lie?’

  ‘Ready?’ Tiga whispered, grabbing Peggy’s hand.

  And before they could say frogpuppets, they were falling fast towards the spongy softness of the jelly castle bridge. Tiga looked up just in time to see Felicity Bat fiddle with the pipe. Not yet, she thought as there was a whooshing sound. Tiga hit the jelly bridge, bouncing and biting her lip as she did so. ‘OW!’ she cried, grabbing frantically for Peggy’s hand again.

  ‘Got you!’ Peggy said, as the pair of them bounced from the jelly bridge up and over into the jelly garden, just in time to see the glorious warm Clutterbucks cocktail thundering down from the pipes above.

  ‘QUICK!’ Tiga screamed, racing through the garden. The walls were high. How would they get out? They weren’t meant to be trapped in the jelly castle when it melted! She could feel her boots slipping on the ground as the jelly began to soften. They rounded a corner, Peggy’s hand shaking in hers.

  Tiga heard Jelly-Horse Karen shouting, ‘IT’S NOT GOOD, DARLINGS! TO THE HORSES TO ESCAPE, DARLINGS!’

  ‘THE HORSES! THAT’S IT!’ Tiga cried, dragging Peggy around to the stables, where the two jelly horses stood looking concerned.

  Tiga hastily mounted Cassidy, throwing herself so ambitiously over the horse’s back, she nearly fell off the other side.

  Peggy got on Sam, the other horse, backwards.

  They galloped off around the grounds, watching as everything melted around them.

  ‘SOMEONE’S NABBED THE HORSES!’ echoed the voice of Cheese-Grater Karen, followed by Senior Karen shouting, ‘NO, KAREN, DON’T YOU DARE SUGGEST SOMETHING INVOLVING THE CHEESE GRATER!’

  Tiga spotted the fairies from the mirror and Caravan Conundrum. ‘WHAT ABOUT THEM?’ she shouted to Peggy.

  ‘Oh, we’re already dead, remember? Expired,’ one shouted back.

  ‘Right,’ Tiga said, galloping on.

  ‘We can’t get trapped by the hot cocktail juice!’ Peggy shouted. ‘Also, let’s not let these horses melt – I really like my one!’

  Tiga stared at the gigantic jelly wall they were galloping towards. It had melted, but only slightly at the top. ‘We need to jump the wall, Peggy!’

  The Karens began to shrivel into toads.

  ‘Darling! I’m toading, darling!’

  ‘JELLY HORSES!’ Fran squealed as she arrived on the scene. She grabbed the horses in mid-jump, coating them with glittery dust in her gigantic hands.

  Tiga looked up at Fran adoringly; she was glad she’d caught them before they hit the other side – she was dreading the thud of the landing. Plus, Peggy was now hanging on to the horse’s tail.

  The large cake tower began to slip, falling fast into a deep, dark hole in the ground.

  ‘Nooooo!’ Senior Karen cried. ‘NOT KAKES BY KAREN!’

  From the view high up on Fran, Tiga could see everything. The Karens scattering, half of them toads. Cloaks billowing. Senior Karen shouting. The turrets melting.

  ‘We did it!’ Tiga cheered as Felicity Bat levitated on to Fran’s shoulder.

  ‘You can’t do this! I will stop you!’ Senior Karen squealed, as she popped. And just like that, she was a harmless toad again.

  ‘Wait a second,’ shouted a witch in one of the carriages. ‘Where have the Karens gone?’

  A couple more witches peered over the edge.

  ‘I CAN ONLY SEE TOADS. ’

  ‘The toads are granting wishes?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Toads?’ witches in the other carriages said, all nudging each other so they could get a better look.

  ‘This is a load of frogwaffle!’ a witch shouted. ‘We’ve been had!’

  Gretal Green cheered from the train, clattering along the track above them. It was directly over the
jelly castle now.

  ‘WHAT IS GOING ON? CAN WE STILL MAKE WISHES WITHOUT THE JELLY CASTLE?’ witches were shouting.

  ‘NEVER TRUST A TOAD,’ another witch shouted. ‘RULE NUMBER ONE OF WISHING. ’

  Creak.

  ‘Do you hear something?’ Fluffanora said, but no one was listening.

  ‘YOU DID IT, FEL-FEL!’ Aggie Hoof cheered from beside Fluffanora.

  ‘Wait,’ Tiga said. ‘Aggie Hoof’s here? We didn’t even tell her we were coming. ’

  ‘She’s my sidekick,’ Felicity Bat said proudly. ‘She’s like … hmm, what would be an above-the-pipes equivalent? She’s like a bloodhound. Yes, a bloodhound. Always finds me. ’

  Creeeak.

  ‘Do you hear something?’ Fluffanora said.

  ‘I hear you talking! And now I also hear myself talking,’ Aggie Hoof said proudly.

  Fluffanora sighed as their carriage gave one last dramatic CREAK and came unstuck, hurtling towards the big hole the jelly turret had made in the ground below.

  ‘NOOOOOOOOOO!’ Tiga cried as she watched it fall. ‘MUUUUUUUM!’

  Felicity Bat levitated fast towards it, grabbing hold of it. ‘I’M NOT STRONG ENOUGH!’ she shouted up to Tiga and Peggy, who could do nothing except look on in horror.

  ‘HELP US!’ the entire carriage yelled. ‘SOMEONE HELP US!’

  ‘FRAN!’ Tiga shouted up to the oversized fairy. ‘PUT US DOWN AND CATCH THAT CARRIAGE!’

  Fran obliged, placing them gently on the ground, bounding over and cupping her hands above the gigantic hole. ‘You know, Tiga, I’m excellent at catching. I once did a television programme about fairies catching things. It was called Watch How Bad Fairies Are at Catching Things … oh. ’

  Tiga covered her eyes. Please catch them, please catch them, please catch them, she thought over and over again, as the screams got louder and closer. And then:

  SILENCE.

  Tiga didn’t dare look. ‘Did you – ?’ she began.

  ‘I DID A CATCH!’ Fran cheered. Tiga opened her eyes to see Fran holding up the carriage and waving it about. She put it proudly on the ground. ‘I DID A CATCH!’