We reached the spring, and after Landon checked it, we headed back. I drove to the gate, but then I made him drive after that. He didn’t fight me on it, and I was glad. I wasn’t ready to drive across the hills on the way back.
When we made it to the house, Landon parked the four-wheeler in the barn and shut it off. I climbed off on wobbly legs. He climbed off as well and started walking to the house.
“Are we done?” I asked.
“For right now. I’m going to see if Lily needs anything before I head to my house.”
“You live on the property, don’t you?” I asked, remembering that Gram had mentioned the helpers having a house of their own.
“Yeah. We’re only about half a mile away from the main house. That way, we can help Caleb whenever he needs it.”
“Where is he today?” I asked.
“He’s cutting hay while my dad kicks it.”
I gave him a strange look. “Your dad is kicking hay?”
He laughed. “It’s a piece of equipment they use to flip the hay over, so it dries faster. We’ll probably be in the hayfield most of tomorrow.”
“Joy.” I sighed as we walked up the porch steps.
Landon held the door open for me again, and I walked inside the house. I kicked off my boots and headed to the kitchen. For as long as I could remember, Gram was always in the kitchen. I was pretty sure she slept there. Sure enough, I saw her sitting at the kitchen table, peeling potatoes, as we walked in.
She glanced up and smiled at us. “You two hungry? I can make you something to hold you over until dinner.”
“Nah, I’m good,” I said.
Landon shook his head. “We finished up everything for right now, but I wanted to see if you needed anything before I went to my house.”
Gram thought for a moment. “Well, I do have one job if you want to do it, but you don’t have to.”
“I’ll take care of whatever you need, Lily,” he said.
“I haven’t had a chance to clean the pool this week, and I know it has to be full of leaves and bugs. Can you two do that for me?”
“Sure,” Landon said as he smiled at her.
I smiled, too, knowing exactly what she was doing. Cleaning the pool wasn’t work. It was a way for her to give us a task that would let us take a break.
“Do you have a bathing suit, Alexandria?” she asked.
I thought for a moment, trying to remember if I’d packed one. “I’m not sure. I’ll go check.”
“If not, you can just wear a shirt and shorts,” she said as I turned to leave. “Landon, I washed your swim trunks the other day. They’re on the shelf above the dryer.”
“Thanks, Lily.”
I could hear them still talking as I walked up the stairs, but I couldn’t make out the words. I hurried to my room and starting digging through my drawers. Sure enough, there was my teeny-tiny black bikini that I’d packed when I planned to leave with Joel. I cursed myself for not bringing a one-piece. While I was more than comfortable with Joel seeing me in this, I wasn’t comfortable with Landon and my grandma seeing it.
I sighed as I stripped down and put on the bikini. I grabbed one of Joel’s old shirts that I slept in sometimes and pulled it over my head. At least I wouldn’t be walking around the house half-naked. I slipped on a pair of flip-flops and made my way back downstairs. I exited through the back door and walked across the yard to where the pool was.
When I was little, I’d loved coming here just because of this pool. My grandpa might be a dick, but he always made sure that my grandma had everything she wanted. I could remember the first summer I’d come here after they put the pool in. My grandma had been so excited to show me my surprise. Apparently, she’d had him buy it just for me.
Truthfully, I was surprised that it was still here. I hadn’t been back in years, but Gram must have liked it enough not to get rid of it. Or maybe she’d kept it because she hoped that I would come back to use it. I didn’t think too much on that. I couldn’t. I’d always felt like an ass for letting my grandfather push me away from Gram, but I’d pushed the guilt aside.
Landon was already in the pool. I could see his back as he skimmed the top of the pool.
I pulled my shirt down, trying to cover as much of my legs as I could, which was stupid since I would be taking the damn thing off in a second. I wasn’t self-conscious, not at all. I just wasn’t sure how I felt about some guy I didn’t know seeing me in something so skimpy. No one but Joel had ever seen me in this. I’d refused to even go to the public pool in it. Instead, Joel had bought a small pool for us to use in the summer.
I cleared my throat when I reached the side of the pool, letting Landon know I was there. He turned to face me, and my breath got stuck in my lungs. I literally forgot how to exhale.
Sweet baby monkeys.
While I had admitted earlier that Landon was cute, nothing had prepared me to see him shirtless and wet in the pool. It was obvious that he’d dived under right before I came out. His hair was dripping wet, and water glistened as it ran down his chest and stomach. I knew I was standing there with my mouth hanging open, but at that moment, I didn’t possess the ability to close it.
His hair was curled at the ends, even more than normal, and it gave him a boyish charm that I hadn’t expected. But there was nothing boyish about his body. Nothing. His arms were well defined with muscle, but his abs were what had me staring. Joel was in shape. I’d always thought his body was amazing, but even I had to admit that he had nothing on Landon. His abs looked like they were made of steel, and from earlier, I knew just how hard they were.
“Lexi? You okay?”
Landon’s voice pulled me out of whatever trance he’d held me in, and I snapped my mouth shut.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Because you’ve been standing there for the last five minutes.”
“Oh, sorry.” I felt my face heating from embarrassment. What the hell was I doing?
Landon was not my type. He was the furthest thing from my type. And I was with Joel. I loved Joel. I was ashamed that I’d even looked at Landon. It hadn’t even been two full days since I last saw Joel, and I was staring at some other guy.
What kind of person am I?
“No worries. I’ve got most of the leaves cleaned out, so you can just chill in the pool if you want,” he said as he watched me.
“Um…yeah, that sounds fun.” I shook my head to clear it as I walked to the ladder. I kicked off my flip-flops and climbed up the short ladder. Once I was at the top, I sat down and stuck my legs in the water. After being on them all day, the water felt like heaven on my aching feet and legs. I could sit like this all day and be happy.
“Are you going to get in or what?”
I glanced up to see Landon watching me.
“Yeah, I was just getting used to the temperature.” And stalling, I mentally added.
I took a deep breath before peeling off my shirt and tossing it to the ground. I stood and slipped into the water, and my eyes found Landon’s. I nearly froze when I saw the way he was staring at me. He didn’t stare at me the way Joel had, like he wanted to eat me alive, but there was an intensity in his eyes that had me locked in place. I knew what I looked like. Yes, I was pale, and most guys hated that, but I’d been blessed with a decent chest and a nice ass. My hips were slim though, and I hated that. They made me feel like I was a stick figure with boobs.
I dropped to my knees, so the water covered me from the neck down. Landon stared at me for another second before turning away and running the skimmer through the water. An uneasy silence filled the space between us, but I had no idea what to say to break it.
A raft was floating around the pool, but there was no way I was climbing onto that thing and exposing my body. I would just spend my time underwater, so Landon wouldn’t look at me like that again.
“What’s your natural hair color?” he asked suddenly.
He was still facing away from me, so I couldn’t see his face.
; “Blonde. Why?”
He shrugged. “I was just curious. I think you’d look better blonde. The black makes you look paler than you already are.”
I was quiet for a moment as I thought about his words. “I’m fucked-up inside, Landon. I’m black. I figured I might as well show it on the outside, too.”
I had no idea what had made me say that, but I knew it was true.
I’d been fucked-up for a long time, and there was no use in lying to myself. I had no idea why I was the way I was. There was so much anger and hostility inside of me, and I would lash out at almost everyone. I’d felt it slowly building over the past year, but I hadn’t known what to do to stop it. It wasn’t like I’d had a horrible life because I hadn’t. Sure, I’d fought with my mom a lot, but other than that, my life was good.
Maybe I’d taken some of Joel’s anger and pain inside me when I fell in love with him. If I had, it had only been so I could protect him. Maybe, just maybe, if I could take some of his hurt away, he wouldn’t feel so much pain from the life he’d lived with his dad and the one he was living now.
The realization that Joel was behind my anger was like a slap in the face. He hadn’t made me this way. No, I’d done it on my own without even realizing what was happening. The drinking, the weed, the fights—they had all been outlets for the rage that seemed to fill me.
Landon stopped skimming and looked back at me. “I don’t think you’re fucked-up. I think you’ve fucked up in the past, but you’re not fucked-up.”
I shook my head. “Don’t think the best of me. You’ll only be disappointed when you figure out that you are wrong.”
Before I realized what I was doing, I was climbing the ladder and then running across the yard. I didn’t stop running until I made it back to my room. I stripped off my bathing suit and found a pair of jeans and a baggy shirt to change into. I collapsed on my bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to process what the hell had just happened.
I’d never doubted myself or my relationship with Joel—until now. It was equivalent to being hit with a ton of bricks. I tried to push the thoughts away, but they kept jumping out at me, refusing to be ignored.
Before I’d met Joel, I’d gotten drunk occasionally, but I’d never done drugs. I’d never sold drugs. I’d never been in a fight. I’d even had a few friends of my own, but I’d started to ignore them as I’d focused all of my attention on Joel. I’d become consumed by him even though I’d known he was dangerous. Fuck, I’m dangerous now. I could fight like a crazy bitch, and I knew how to use a gun. It was all thanks to Joel.
I ran my hands across my face, trying to wipe away all the doubt seeping into me. This was what my mother had been hoping for. She’d wanted me to start second-guessing myself and my relationship with Joel while we were apart. She’d wanted me to realize everything that was running through my mind right now.
I stood and started pacing my room. There was no way that I would let her win. I loved Joel, and I knew that he loved me back. That was all that mattered. If I was fucked-up, it was my own fault, not his. He’d never once treated me badly or made me act a certain way. He had done nothing but take care of me while making sure that I was happy. I needed to pretend like the last thirty minutes had never happened and get on with my life. I would stay here and do my time, and then I’d go home to Joel at the end of the summer and never look back.
I didn’t speak to Landon that night as he helped me do my evening chores. He seemed unsure of what to say as well, so he stayed silent, too. As soon as we were finished, I all but ran back to the house without telling him good night.
My grandpa came in about an hour before dark. He ignored me, except to tell me that he would need me in the hayfield tomorrow morning. He said the hay needed time to dry, so we’d start around ten. I was excited to sleep in until I realized I still had my morning chores to take care of.
I showered right after dinner and went straight to bed. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. I knew I was going to have a wicked sunburn in the morning because my shoulders were already red and starting to hurt.
Just something else to look forward to.
I awoke early to the sound of my alarm clock. I winced as soon as I moved to shut the damn thing off. My shoulders felt like they were on fire. I stumbled from my bed, feeling like I’d been run over by a truck in my sleep last night.
After pulling on a pair of jeans, I pulled another spaghetti-strap shirt over my head, careful not to let the material touch my shoulders any more than it had to. I brushed my teeth and piled my hair on top of my head before walking downstairs and pulling on my mud boots. I would grab some breakfast after I was finished with my chores.
I was surprised to see Landon walking to the barn when I stepped outside. I hadn’t expected to see him yet. I still felt unsure about what had happened yesterday, and I wanted to keep my distance from him. I reached the barn a few seconds after he did.
He glanced over his shoulder when he heard me approaching. “Morning, Lexi.”
I was relieved that he hadn’t called me City. “Morning.”
“I didn’t expect you to be up this early. I was going to do your chores for you.”
“I’m up. I can do them,” I said rudely.
I hadn’t meant for it to come out that way, but we both heard the iciness in my voice.
“Okay. I’m going to go check on the cattle since we’ll be busy all day today.”
I was silent as he walked to the four-wheeler and started it. He drove past me without even glancing in my direction, and I was glad. I never again wanted to see that look I’d seen in his eyes yesterday. It had scared me.
I grabbed a bucket and walked to the chicken coop to gather the eggs. Even though it was barely light out, the chickens were already up and singing.
Is everyone around here a morning person? Jesus.
After gathering the eggs and avoiding a few chicken beaks, I walked out of the henhouse, cursing. One of the stupid things had managed to peck me when I was trying to get the eggs out from underneath her.
I took the eggs to the house and set them inside the door for my grandma before heading over to the goat pen. I hated goats. I always had. They smelled horrible, and they were the most stubborn animals on the planet. It took me a few minutes to shoo them out of their pen, but I finally managed it. I was bitching about goats as I walked back to the house and into the kitchen. Like yesterday, my grandma had a heaping plate of food waiting on me.
“You’re going to make me fat. You know that, right?” I asked as she put the plate down in front of me.
“You’re about as far away from fat as they get, Alexandria. It’ll take more than one summer to make you fat.”
I rolled my eyes as I dug into my eggs and hash browns. God, Gram’s cooking is the best. I couldn’t even microwave popcorn without burning it. It was obvious that the cooking gene hadn’t been passed to me—or my mother, for that matter. While she was capable of making edible meals, they had been nothing like Gram’s.
I finished eating and put my plate in the sink.
Gram glanced up. “Caleb won’t need you until later this morning. Why don’t you go rest for a while? I’ll make sure to wake you up on time.”
“Thanks, Gram,” I said sincerely.
I could definitely use an extra hour or two of sleep. My ass was dragging.
I walked back up to my room and fell down onto my bed, not bothering to cover up. Within minutes, I was out.
I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on my door. I peeled my eyes open to see Gram standing there.
“You need to get up. Landon is waiting outside for you.”
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “Okay.”
I crawled out of bed and walked downstairs with her. She watched as I slipped on my mud boots.
“Don’t you have any other shoes?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing that I could wear around here.”
She frowned. “We’ll have to take you into town
to get you something. You can’t wear those things all the time. You’ll have hay down in them today.”
“I could use a shopping day,” I told her, half-kidding and half-serious. I’d love to get out of here for a day—or six.
“I can’t take you this weekend because I have to help with a bake sale for the church on Saturday. Maybe I can see if Caleb will take you.”
Not going to happen. I’d go barefoot first. “We both know that isn’t a good idea, Gram. Grandpa and I don’t see eye to eye.”
She sighed. “I know. Your grandfather can be a stubborn man, but he means well.”
I shrugged, not wanting to fight with her. We would never agree when it came to my grandfather.
“Anyway, I’ll figure something out. We’ll get you some shoes somehow,” she said.
I nodded as I turned and walked out the door. Landon was sitting in a truck parked in the driveway. There was a flatbed trailer hooked up to the truck.
Ugh, I hate that trailer. I knew from when I was younger that every time I saw it, it meant I was going to be miserable that day.
I walked to the truck and opened the passenger side door. As soon as I was in, Landon started down the driveway. We were both quiet as we bounced along. We stopped by yet another gate, and I waited as Landon got out and opened it. He was back in the truck seconds later. He didn’t bother to close the gate after we passed through and continued down the road.
After a few minutes of driving along the narrow road, we came to a clearing. I groaned out loud. I’d forgotten just how big this field was. It had been years since I last saw it.
“Don’t groan. We haven’t even started yet,” Landon said as he glanced over at me.
“Is this day over yet?”
“Nope.” He hesitated before continuing, “Look, I didn’t mean to upset you yesterday. I’m really sorry.”
I blinked, trying to clear the tears that were suddenly clouding my vision. I had no idea why I wanted to cry. “It’s no big deal. Don’t worry about it.”
“Well, I am worried about it. You could use a friend, Lexi, and I’d like to be that friend—at least for the summer anyway.”
Breaking Alexandria Page 8