‘Paula, you look stunning,’ she heard Helen say. ‘Look at the colour of you!’ She was so glad she’d worn the peach cotton sweatshirt over her white jeans. It showed off her tan. She drew away from Nick, who was smiling at her with those unforgettable deep blue eyes. She had to fight the urge to kiss him passionately. Being held in his embrace was the most exquisite feeling. Paula felt utterly cherished.
‘I can’t believe I’m home,’ she murmured.
‘Thank God you are! This woman has been in a mega-tizzy. She’s hoovered the house umpteen times.’
‘Don’t mind him,’ Helen laughed, kissing Paula again. Paula put her arms around her and then looked at her aunt in surprise. Helen had put on weight. Paula could feel it as she hugged her. Her face, which was usually on the thin side, was more rounded. Her skin was peaches and cream and she was glowing.
‘You look pretty stunning yourself, Helen. I’m glad to see you’ve put on a few pounds, it suits you.’
Helen blushed, and looked at Nick.
‘What are you up to, Helen?’ Paula laughed. ‘Have the pair of you been pigging out on Chinese takeaways?’ They both had a weakness for Chinese food.
‘It’s not Chinese food that’s put my weight on, darling. You won’t believe this. I can hardly believe it myself.’ Her aunt blushed again. ‘I’m pregnant, Paula.’
Paula couldn’t believe her ears. ‘You’re . . . but I mean . . . I thought you couldn’t . . . Anthony . . .’ she stuttered.
Helen shook her head. ‘I didn’t think I could either . . . after all this time . . . It’s not Anthony, darling . . .’
Nick put his arm around Helen and smiled ruefully at Paula. ‘Your aunt and I are going to have a baby, Paula, and I know you’ll be very happy for us. As happy as we are ourselves.’
Chapter Sixty
Paula stood, stunned. The noise of the airport dimmed around her. All she could hear was the sound of her own heart beating. A crushing grief enveloped her. She wanted to cry. She wanted to run away by herself and curl up like a child and cry and scream the shock and grief out of her. Nick and Helen. Helen and Nick, the refrain ran through her mind. She felt as though huge nails were being hammered into her heart. She wanted to die.
‘There! I knew she’d be shocked,’ Paula heard her aunt say as if from some great distance.
‘Paula, I love Helen. I’ll take great care of her, don’t worry,’ Nick said gently, mistaking the reason for her horror.
‘I love Helen,’ he’d said. The nails went in deeper, harder. She swallowed, tried to say something, and couldn’t.
‘Are you disgusted, Paula?’ Helen asked, distressed. Paula shook her head and with an immense effort of will managed to say, ‘Of course I’m not disgusted. It’s just the . . . the . . .’ She nearly said ‘shock of it,’ but she said ‘surprise of it’ instead. ‘I didn’t think you could ever have children.’
‘Well I didn’t think so either,’ Helen said wryly. ‘So when Nick and I . . . well let’s just say at my age, I didn’t think . . . We weren’t very careful . . . and here we are.’ Her voice trailed away.
‘We were as shocked as you are, believe me,’ Nick declared, smiling down at Helen. ‘But we’re very happy.’
‘You’re the first to know,’ Helen said, and there was pleading in her tone. ‘I didn’t want to write to you or tell you over the phone. I wanted to tell you myself. I thought you’d be happy for me.’
‘Oh, Helen. I am. I am! Honestly.’ Paula threw her arms around Helen and hugged her close. She knew how much this meant to her aunt. All the years she had longed for a child. If it had been anyone but Nick’s she would have been thrilled for Helen. Over the moon. Ecstatic. But how could she feel like that, knowing that the man who meant everything to her was her aunt’s lover and father of her child? ‘Is everything all right? How far are you gone?’ Paula asked, striving to sound normal. After all, Helen was forty-one. A bit old to be having her first child.
‘Everything’s fine. I’m as healthy as an ox. And Nick’s treating me like a queen.’ Helen laughed.
‘She is a queen, isn’t she?’ Nick said lovingly, giving Paula a hug.
‘Yes, yes she is, Nick.’ Paula smiled but the pain in her heart nearly took her breath away.
‘I’ll just pop over and say hello to Jennifer, and we’ll go. Nick’s going to treat us to lunch,’ Helen said hesitantly. She walked over to where Jennifer was being greeted by her mother and Ronan and Grandpa Myles.
Paula fussed at her trolley, unable to look Nick in the eye. The last thing she wanted to do was to go for a meal. She’d choke if she tried to eat anything. Her throat felt so constricted it was actually painful.
‘Paula, you’re not happy about this, are you?’ she heard his deep voice above her.
No! she wanted to shout. No, I’m not happy. You can’t love Helen. You love me. It’s me that should be having your babies. I love you.
‘I love Helen very much, Paula,’ Nick continued. ‘I honour and respect her. I’ll always look after her and the baby. We’re trying to get divorced so that we can get married eventually. We both have another chance at happiness. Be glad for us. Don’t upset Helen by showing your disapproval. Is it such an awful thing to have happened?’ he asked gently.
Paula’s lip wobbled. Don’t disgrace yourself, she told herself fiercely.
‘I am glad, Nick. Honest. Helen deserves every bit of happiness and love she gets. And so do you. I know you’ll be very good to her. How could I not be happy when she’s found someone as nice as you?’
Nick put his arm around her and hugged her. ‘You’re a great girl, Paula. The best. Thanks for that,’ he said.
‘You’re welcome. It’s true,’ she whispered. She knew she was going to start bawling in a minute. ‘I’m bursting to go to the loo. Will you mind my trolley? I’ll be back in a jiffy,’ she said hastily.
‘Sure.’ He smiled. ‘I’ll tell Helen.’
Paula walked towards the toilets as calmly as she could. Was this all real, or was she having a nightmare? She bit her lip, hard. It hurt. She wasn’t in a dream. Her world had just come crashing around her and she didn’t know what to do. There was a queue. She stood behind a woman with a screaming toddler. At least he could give vent to his feelings, she thought. She badly wanted to scream herself. She caught sight of her reflection in the long wide wall mirror. She looked very normal. Tanned, healthy, glamorous. She couldn’t see any evidence of the turmoil that was raging inside. Nobody could point a finger at her and say, that girl’s life has just been ruined.
A cubicle became vacant. With the utmost relief Paula entered the tiny haven of privacy and shut out the world. She pulled down the top of the seat and sat with her head in her hands. She took great deep breaths, trying to compose herself. If she started to cry she’d never stop. It was a luxury she could not afford.
Nick was lost to her, now. Paula knew that. If it had been any other woman she would have gone to battle. All was fair in love and war. She would have done everything in her power to get him to fall in love with her. She should have taken her chance when she was at college. But it hadn’t seemed right then. He still saw her as a student. She’d gone abroad a girl and come home a woman and now it was too late. Far far too late. Helen was in love with Nick. It was unmistakable. It shone from her eyes when she looked at him. There was no doubt. Paula was an authority on loving Nick.
And Nick was in love with Helen. His tenderness and protective gestures spoke volumes. His proud gaze said more than words. His happiness was evident. He looked years younger. Happiness did that to people. He was only forty-two anyway. But the strain seemed to have gone from his face. He looked carefree.
‘Oh God, oh God. Why? Why did You let me fall in love with him when You had him planned for Helen?’ she muttered. Her resolve not to cry was weakening. She wanted to give in to herself and bawl and run away. She couldn’t. Helen would know something was up. She couldn’t ruin Helen’s happiness. No mother could have given
Paula the love Helen had. She owed it to her aunt to pretend to be happy for her. She owed it to her aunt to forget Nick and all the feelings she harboured for him. For once in her life, Paula was going to have to behave in a most unselfish manner. Was she capable of it?
She sat in the tiny cubicle, composing herself. She took a deep breath and opened the door. She sprayed a little perfume behind her ears and retouched her lipstick. Nothing like war paint for hiding behind, she thought ruefully, inspecting her reflection. She looked fine. Normal. Drawing on every resource she possessed, Paula walked out to where Helen and Nick were standing.
‘Come on, folks,’ she said briskly, patting Helen’s unmistakable bump and smiling at her aunt. ‘If that child is as hungry as I am, she’s in trouble. I’m starving. Let’s go and have this lunch you’ve been talking about. I want to hear all the news.’
‘We want to hear all yours.’ Helen slipped an arm through her niece’s.
‘My news is dead boring compared to yours.’ Paula laughed with false gaiety. ‘I want to hear all about the baby. What are you going to call it? Do you want a boy or a girl? Whose house are you living in, or are you being ultra-modern and having separate residences?’
‘We’re making it up as we go along.’ Nick laughed, taking the trolley from her and pushing it with ease.
‘Wait until your mother hears!’ Helen made a wry face.
‘She’ll be delighted,’ Paula said firmly, knowing it was the truth. ‘Have you told Anthony yet?’
Helen’s face darkened. ‘No,’ she said. ‘When I think of all the years of misery I went through thinking it was my fault I couldn’t have a baby. I . . . no . . . I haven’t told him yet. I don’t think he’s entitled to know. Nick and I are thinking of putting the two houses up for sale and buying one together. I’ll tell him then.’
Paula felt her heartache almost choke her. Buying a house together sounded so intimate. It indicated long-term commitment. How was she going to cope with this for the rest of her life? One thing was sure, she’d have to get a place of her own now. A masochist she was not. Watching Nick and Helen together in an intimate relationship would send her over the edge.
Lunch was a nightmare for her. In an effort to pretend that she was delighted for the two people she held so dear, Paula kept up a stream of gay, witty conversation. She told them of the ups and downs of being a courier and about her and Jennifer’s life abroad. By the time they finally got home to Helen’s house she was mentally and physically exhausted. Pleading great fatigue as a result of an all-night party followed by two flights, Paula insisted she had to go and lie down. Much to Helen’s disappointment.
‘But we’ve so much to talk about, and Nick’s got to get back to work. I was really looking forward to having you to myself.’
‘I’ll just lie down for an hour,’ Paula promised. She was dizzy from the strain of it all. And she hadn’t fibbed about being tired. She was dead on her feet. Ten minutes later, she was lying in her much-loved familiar bedroom. It had started to rain outside. The blue skies of her homecoming had turned leaden and grey and much more wintry. Rain lashed hard against the window, the steady drumming made her feel cosy and snug in her comfortable bed. Too tired and numb to dwell on what had happened, Paula’s eyes closed and sleep cloaked her misery for a while.
‘She’s upset, Nick.’ Helen sighed. ‘I know she’s making a big effort. She hardly ate any lunch. She just picked at it.’
‘Helen, the girl’s exhausted. She didn’t get to bed at all last night. She had two flights, she didn’t know whether she was on her head or her heels. She’ll be fine when she wakes up.’ Nick put a comforting arm around her and gave her a kiss.
She snuggled in against him. ‘I’m going to phone Maura this afternoon. Now that Paula knows, I don’t mind telling anyone.’
‘Just one thing struck me,’ Nick said reflectively. ‘When we sell the houses, Paula might feel she’s got to get a flat or something. As far as I’m concerned she’ll always have a home with us.’
‘Oh, Nick. That is kind,’ Helen said gratefully. ‘Paula’s been so good to me, I’d hate her to feel left out.’
‘Well she won’t be, so stop worrying. Now I’d better get back to work, I believe it’s very expensive rearing children,’ he added, patting her bump. ‘Daddy’s going to work, baby, be good for your mother.’ He held his hand over her stomach and was rewarded a few minutes later by a faint rippling movement. ‘Isn’t that something else?’ he said in wonder. ‘I never thought this would happen to me.’
‘Me neither, Nick. I can’t believe it. I’ve never been so happy in my life.’ Helen put her arms around him and kissed him ardently. ‘Do you have to go back to work?’ she murmured, nuzzling his earlobe.
‘I could delay it.’ Nick traced his lips along the side of her neck, down to the tiny pulse that beat at the base of her throat.
‘Will we go into your house?’ Helen sighed with pleasure.
‘Why?’ Nick raised his head and looked at her in surprise.
‘Well . . . Paula . . . you know?’ She made a little face.
‘Paula’ll have to get used to it because we’re going to be doing a lot of it.’ Nick laughed. ‘Anyway I’d say she’s dead to the world by now, but if you really want to go to my house, we’ll go. It’s a shame to waste that lovely fire though.’
‘I suppose it is a bit daft.’ Helen began to undo his shirt buttons. ‘Paula would laugh at me for being so old-fashioned.’
‘Yes she would,’ Nick agreed. ‘Now forget about Paula and start doing wild, wanton, wicked things to me, like you did last night.’
‘You’re an insatiable beast, Nick Russell,’ Helen teased, and giggled as he growled and gave her a lovebite.
An hour later, she lay stretched on the sofa in front of the fire. Nick had added more coal and logs to it before he left and it blazed up the chimney, the logs hissed and crackled and sent out a lovely scent of pine. Helen felt utterly relaxed and content and sensual after their lovemaking. It was still raining outside. She didn’t care. It was luxury to lie in the comfort of her sitting-room, listening to the elements outside, knowing that she didn’t have to go out in it. It was a treat to have the day off work. Making love in front of the fire in the middle of a working afternoon seemed so decadent. Helen grinned. She’d never made love on the sofa in the afternoon with Anthony. He’d been strictly a bedroom man.
How her life had changed in the last year. When Paula went off on her second tour of duty, she’d felt even worse than the first time. The house had seemed so empty. Nick knew she was depressed. He took to calling in much more often than before. He would invite her into his house for coffee. Nick was very easy to talk to. She didn’t need to put on a façade with him. And he didn’t need to with her. One gorgeous sunny Sunday afternoon, he’d suggested going to Howth for a walk. It had been delightful. And they’d had fun. They started going out at the weekends and usually ended up having a Chinese meal. They were extremely relaxed in each other’s company. One night, it had just seemed the most natural thing in the world for her to kiss him and thank him for a wonderful evening. The kiss had turned into a night of passion she would never forget.
Helen smiled at the memory. Sex with Nick was incredible. It made her feel young and vibrant again. As young and vibrant as Paula was. She’d looked like a model at the airport, in her peach and white with the lovely tan. Helen sighed. Maybe Nick was right, maybe Paula was just tired. Once she had time to get over the shock, she’d be thrilled for her and Nick. If ever they were lucky enough to get married, she’d ask Paula to be her bridesmaid. It would be a lovely way of sharing the happiest day of her life, Helen smiled as a shower of sparks flew up the chimney. She wished her niece would wake up, they had so much to talk about.
Paula stretched, yawned, and stretched again. It took her a minute to remember where she was. It was dark and rain was pelting against the window. Home, she was home. Happiness flickered and then she remembered. Nick was in love with He
len. They were going to have a baby. Tears brimmed in her eyes as misery engulfed her. She felt a great tightness around her chest. How ironic that she had been worried that Nick might be seeing someone. In her wildest dreams, she’d never considered Nick and Helen as a couple. And they were going to have a baby. It was worse than her worst nightmare. Burying her face in her pillow, Paula sobbed her heart out.
Chapter Sixty-One
‘Should old acquaintance be forgot . . .’ the Matthews family chorused on the stroke of midnight as they all stood in a circle holding hands, singing in the New Year. On one side of Paula stood Helen, on the other, Nick. She was holding both their hands, pretending to be as happy as a lark, as she sang the rousing chorus. But she was intensely aware of Nick’s hand in hers. He and Helen had arrived that afternoon to spend the New Year in St Margaret’s Bay. They were staying in the hotel despite Maura and Pete’s protestations. They had wanted them to have their room and they would have slept on the couch. Helen wouldn’t hear of it. Paula was relieved that they were staying at the hotel. Being with Helen and Nick was very difficult to endure.
‘Happy New Year, Paula.’ Nick enfolded her in an embrace and kissed her cheek lightly.
‘The same to you,’ she murmured, returning his kiss. Paula savoured the brief precious moment. Then Helen kissed her, and hugged her tightly, her rounded bump an irrefutable reminder to Paula that Nick could never be hers.
Would this night never end, she thought unhappily as they all trooped to the front door to let out the old year and bring in the new. Usually Paula revelled in the New Year celebrations. Bells were ringing, car horns tooted, there were great sounds of revelry from the hotel. She wanted to clamp her hands over her ears and shut the din out. She wanted to hide up in her bedroom, but there was no privacy there either. Rebecca, her sister, had come home from Cork for a few days and was full of chat and gossip.
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