Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.
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Chapter One
It’s All Downhill From Here
“So the plan is set?” Asked the Grizzled Old Warrior. “We finally attack tomorrow morning?”
The other generals at the table nodded. There were several races represented around the table along with the Human warrior; Half-Orc, Troll, and Halflings. There were more Halflings than the others combined. It was their plan after all; the others were being paid for their participation.
The leader of the group, a Halfling, banged the hilt of his sword on the table. “Yes, the plan is set,” he said to the grizzled warrior, “you’re to march tomorrow and take Aution.” He looked around the table, “You all have your orders. Now go execute them.” He narrowed his beady eyes, “Or I’ll be ordering the executing.”
The others at the table all stood hurriedly. Even on their best days, Halflings were unpredictable, unruly, and unforgiving. The ‘three u’s’ as they were called. When Halflings didn’t get their way, the ‘u’s’ became capitalized and an exclamation point was added. For good reason.
As the others left the room, one of the Halfling generals approached the leader who was still seated at his massive, ornately decorated chair. It might not have been a throne, but it was in the right zip code. “Lord High Priest, are you sure we can trust some of these warriors we’ve hired for this mission?”
The Lord High Priest of the Great Halfling Empire looked at his general. He narrowed his eyes, “What?” He said coolly.
The General fidgeted; he was in dangerous territory; questioning the LHP. “The plan is an excellent plan and is sure to work out in the end.” He looked over his shoulder at the others as they departed. “It is just that I don’t trust these Tallers1 to get the job done.”
“I don’t trust them to be able to find their own noses with the lights on. But they don’t have to be successful in their mission for ours to be.” The LHP stared at his General for a moment. “Are you done questioning my plan, or is there more you want to discuss?”
The General’s eyes grew wide, “No, Lord High Priest, Sir. I am sorry to have bothered you!” He gulped as he bowed deeply, “I will leave you to your absurdly overwhelmingly masterful planning.”
The Lord High Priest chuckled. “Now, now, General; take it easy. You don’t get into a position like mine by not listening to your subordinates.”2 The General visibly relaxed so he continued, “So go get your Halflings ready for our glorious, unabashedly successful part in this campaign.”
The General bowed again and then smiled, “Thank you Sir, I’m glad you feel that way.”
As the General turned to leave, the Lord High Priest lifted his sword (which he was still holding by the blade because he had had been using it like a gavel) and smashed the other Halfling on the head with it.
Any sound the collapsing Halfling made was drowned out by the clanging of the sword.
“Conscripts!”
Within moments, two Halflings appeared. “Yes, Lord High Priest?” They asked in unison.
Without even looking at them (they were conscripts after all) the LHP commanded, “Take this one to the Half Orc encampment. Tell them he’s for the kitchen.”
“As a cook?” One asked, confused.
“Not exactly.” The Lord High Priest smiled in an Unforgiving! and Unpredictable! manner. “I have seen the future and we are guaranteed absurdly overwhelming success. He flipped the sword around and caught it by the hilt. He pointed it at conscript. “And absolutely positively nothing will stand in our way. Nothing.”