Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

Drimblerod put the last can- a copper lined affair with a lid- on Dummy’s pedestal. “I think he’s going to work out nicely,” he said to the Dummy, who was hunched over, hands covering its ears (or at least where its ears should have been).

  Dummy straightened and twirled one of its mitten hands beside its ear.

  “Maybe a little, but I think he’s more bluster than bite.”

  Dummy shrugged.

  “Mostly harmless” explained Drimblerod.

  At that, Dummy raised a thumb. Just then the bell at the front door jingled. Dummy covered its ‘ears’ again.

  “Welcome, come in! Peruse the merchandise!” Grimbledung said cheerfully. He had worked half the night on that phrase. He searched and searched his mind for something professional yet friendly to say to customers. At his wagon, a whispered ‘Whaddayawant?’ usually sufficed. He had selected, ‘Check out the merchandise’ but after Rat suggested ‘peruse’- and assured him it was indeed a real word- he decided on ‘Peruse the merchandise’. He had ‘We endeavor to serve’ in reserve just in case two customers came in close together. He had never experienced three customers at once so the thought of that didn’t even occur to him.

  “Thanks,” said the lanky youth as he closed the door behind him. He stared at Grimbledung. “New management?” He asked.

  Grimbledung shook his head, “No, no. Just expanded management.” He smiled a hopefully welcoming smile and added, “Come in, we endeavor to serve.” Grimbledung scowled to himself; now he was out of phrases.

  “Thanks” repeated the youth as he looked at the wands on the wall, “Oh- a levitator! Nice,” he said as he picked it up. “And a Shire Egg Finder! Neat!” He used the levitator wand to pick up the other wand. He held both for a moment then put them both back down. He continued to look at the wands on the wall. Grimbledung began to drum his fingers.

  The bell over the door rang as another customer entered, “Welcome, per ... we..” Grimbledung scowled. “Come in,” he finished. It was another human, slightly older than the first but still as lanky. Don’t these humans eat? He thought as he tried to keep an eye on both of them.

  The second customer moved straight to the glass counter. “A disruptor,” he commented as he leaned over the glass so close he fogged it up, “and an Assassin’s Wand!” he exclaimed. “Can I hold it?” He asked pointing at the Assassin Wand. “Can I? Can I?”

  “Sure thing, Pal,” said Grimbledung thumbing the catch of the back of the counter and sliding open the rear door. “We can make you a deal on that, if you like it” he said handing it over. “Even add a wrist sheath to complete the package.”

  “A-hah!” Exclaimed the customer as he whirled about and pointed the wand at the back of the first customer. “Boooom!” He said as he pointed it at the still dozing Rat. He pointed it at Grimbledung, “Ka BLAM!” He exclaimed.

  Grimbledung’s eyes were now trained on the business end of the wand. The highly dangerous, mostly unstable and barely legal, Assassin Wand. His knees felt loose. So did his bowels. He glanced quickly down and saw the Dispel! Wand hanging on a wooden peg by a worn leather strap. It was well out of reach.

  “Bazaaam!” The Human said again as he pointed the wand at the ceiling.

  Grimbledung’s bowels sent a request to his brain to vacate the premises. In capital letters.

  “Gads!” Scowled Rat as he rolled over, “There’s folk trying to sleep here. Namely folk named me, so keep it down!”

  The customer lowered the wand slightly as he turned toward Rat. “Sorry, I di ...” Was all the man got out before a stool shattered atop his head. Still holding one of the stool’s legs, Grimbledung wacked the man on the wrist, knocking the wand from his hand. The wrist twisted in a way that revealed it was obviously broken. Fortunately, since the man was already unconscious and falling at the time, he did not notice.

  The first customer raised an expensive, hard to find Green Pixie Stick (a Forest Pixie dispeller) and opened his mouth as if he were going to ask a question.

  “Don’t you even think about it!” Snapped Grimbledung as he pointed the stool leg at him, “If you say anything besides ‘I’ll take it’, I’ll pound you with this!” He shook the leg at the man for emphasis.

  The man took a silver coin from his pocket and tossed it to Grimbledung.

  He caught it without even taking his eyes off the man. “Well?” He snarled, “I’m sure there someplace you need to be besides here!”

  “Gah!” Was all the man managed to get out before scampering out.