Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

“Rack? Of Lamb?” Asked Grimbledung hungrily. “A whole rack?”

  “We’ll take two of those, some roasted potatoes, radishes, and turnips.”

  Rat stuck out his tongue.

  “No vegetables for Rat” Drimblerod added.

  Grimbledung looked back and forth between Nulu and Drimblerod through the order. “Is your ale cold?” He asked.

  Nulu tilted her massive hand back and forth. Her sharp nails were pink. “It’s been unusually warm lately so the cellar isn’t as cool as it should be. Still, the drinks aren’t warm.”

  “You know; it sounds to me like we can help you out. I’m going to run across the street for a moment.” He stood. “I’ll be back before the drinks show up! Don’t you two do anything weird. We’re going to be regulars here.” Drimblerod warned the two with a jab of his finger as he left quickly.

  Nulu frowned. “I’m offended. Did he just say I’m slow at serving drinks?”

  Grimbledung had a huge grin on his face the entire time he was sitting.

  “What’s so funny?” demanded Nulu.

  “Oh, nothing!” Explained Grimbledung, “I get to eat out!” He clapped his hands.

  “What a strange crew.” She shook her head and went to fetch their drinks. When she got to the bar, Drimblerod burst back into the door panting. “Success!” He cheered. He was holding a thick, deep blue wand.

  Nulu dropped her tray on the bar and jumped around. “What are you on about?” She demanded.

  “How about we go down to the cellar?” Drimblerod asked as he raised an eyebrow.

  “I’m not that kind of gal” Nulu said as she crossed her arms, biceps bulging, “and this isn’t that kind of establishment.”

  “Gads no!” Exclaimed Drimblerod, “Nothing like that! I want to show you something.”

  Now Nulu raised one of her well-maintained eyebrows.

  “Business related, of course.” Tut-tutted Drimblerod. “If it were otherwise,” he added with a mischievous smile, “I’d have a ladder with me, not a wand.”

  “You sure know how to charm a gal.” Nulu pointed at a closed door, “Down here.” Nulu led Drimblerod down a set of stairs deep below the pub. It was a dark tunnel with wooden stairs laid down on it. At the bottom, the room was more a grotto than anything else.

  Barrels were stacked four high around the room, lining the walls. Crates of vegetables were stacked in the middle of the space. “I present to you the cellar,” she said flatly.

  “It is a little cooler in here” said Drimblerod.

  “Especially early in the year. Now, after a warm summer and before any snow, not so much,” explained Nulu. “In another couple of months, it will be nice and cool down here again.

  Drimblerod grinned at Nulu. “Why wait?” He flourished the wand and aimed it at the ceiling.

  Gelu Cretum

  Up Yonder!

  he intoned.

  A light blue light flashed from the wand and rose to the ceiling slowly. Where it hit, a blob of ice began to crackle and form. Drimblerod held the wand in place as the ice crept out in all directions. When the stalactite-glacier reached the walls, he lowered the wand.

  “That’s amazing!” Said Nulu, her words coming out with little white puffs.

  Drimblerod offered the wand to Nulu. “Don’t aim it at anyone.”

  “Really?”

  Drimblerod blinked. “Sure, it would kill them almost instantly.”

  “No, not that.” Nulu shook her head, “I understand that. I mean, you’re giving it to me?” Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.

  “Sure. As an initial offering of business. Maybe we can talk after we eat?”

  Nulu took the wand hesitantly.

  “All I ask is just to hear me out. The wand is for your time either way.”

  “Then let me pour you and your partners some drinks” said Nulu. She shivered, “And get a shawl.”

  The two went back upstairs. As Nulu got mugs for the drinks, Drimblerod returned to the table. Grimbledung was still smiling. Drimblerod snapped his fingers. “Mop.”

  “Mop?” Asked Rat.

  “I’ll have to enchant her a mop,” said Drimblerod, “that will be to close the deal.”

  “Hey Drim, I had a thought” began Grimbledung, still smiling.

  Drimblerod waggled his ears. “Really? A stray thought? Well nurse it along- it’s in enemy territory.” He giggled.

  The smile dropped from Grimbledung’s face like a sheet, replaced by pure rage. He stood quickly, knocking his chair to the ground so hard an inebriated Dwarf at the bar turned to look. In a flash Grimbledung drew his wand from inside his sleeve, “What are you saying here? ‘Cause I can’t read, I’m not smart?” A sneer pulled across his face, “Reading doesn’t make a person smart. It makes them arrogant so they insult business partners at the meal table.” He leaned forward with his wand and pointed it at Drimblerod’s forehead. “How well do you think you’d read with a hole straight through your head?”

  Drimblerod sat frozen in place. Rat moved between the two, “Now Grimbledung, that’s not what he meant at all.”

  “Are you saying I don’t understand what someone says now? YOU calling me stupid too?” Grimbledung fumed. He moved the wand between the two.

  Nulu walked up to the table, the tray in her hand holding two large frosted tankards and a frosted shot glass. “Trouble boys?” She asked as she slid the tray onto the table. “Let’s not have any ...”

  “Disintegrations” offered Grimbledung menacingly.

  “Disintegrations” she continued, “in the pub. It’s really bad for business you know.”

  Grimbledung didn’t take his eyes off Drimblerod.

  “I brought some frosty ale for you boys. I thought there was going to be a toast or something.”

  Grimbledung’s eyes shifted for an instant to the tankards. “Frosted?” He asked.

  Nulu slid into a chair at the table. It creaked in protest. “Listen, Grimbledung, I’m sure whatever your partner said, it wasn’t said out of spite or meanness.”

  Drimblerod nodded.

  She put her massive hand gently on Grimbledung’s shoulder. “How about you give him a chance to apologize before you disintegrate a good part of his head?”

  Grimbledung lowered his wand slightly, “Well?”

  Drimblerod took a deep breath. “Grimbledung, I wasn’t trying to offend you,” he began. “I was just messing around. I actually think you’re really smart.”

  As he spoke, Nulu reached around and righted the chair.

  “You’ve done a really good job in the store,” he continued, “your idea for the sale sign was great. I’ve been in that shop for nearly ten years and it never occurred to me to run a fake sale.”

  “Really?” Asked Grimbledung, sitting back down. He still had his wand marginally trained on Drimblerod.

  “Really. You boosted sales more in one day than, than...” He hesitated.

  “Than when?” Grimbledung put the wand on the table.

  “Than since the Great Frost Giant Invasion of 816.”

  “That was a big invasion,” agreed Grimbledung.

  “And remember? Everyone wanted an Incinerator Wand to scare off the Frost Giants, Frost Bears, and those Mastodons.”

  “I hated those Mastodons.” Grimbledung shuddered. “I lost an entire season’s vegetables to one.

  Nulu slid the tankards in front of the two and handed Rat his frosty shot glass.

  “A toast to the failed Frost Giant Invasion!” Rat said, raising his shot glass.

  Neither Gnome moved to touch his drink.

  “Grimbledung, let’s have a drink so I can hear your idea. If it’s anything like your sale idea, it will be deviously great.” He spun a tankard around so the handle faced Grimbledung. “How about it?”

  Grimbledung looked between Drimblerod and the tankard.

  “I sincerely apologize,” finished Drimblerod. “Really I do.”

  “Fine then. Let’s drink to our partnership,” said Grimbledu
ng, slipping the wand up his sleeve, “then you can hear my idea.”

  “All right, boys” said Nulu as she got up from the table, “you play nice and I’ll go check on your racks.”

  Picking up his tankard, Drimblerod said “To a great partnership and an underhanded partner at luring in customers.”

  Grimbledung hefted his tankard, “To us!” He said and he gulped down some ale.

  “Thank the gods!” Said Rat, “My paws were getting tired.” He sipped his ale. “That is some cold ale.”

  “So,” said Drimblerod, “What’s the plan?”