Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

InTerN Mission

  Standing in front of the ruined Keep along the Great Salt River, the group of Halflings stood in a straight line. The Keep, long since defeated, was a reminder to those in the area that no matter how strong one felt their battlements were, in the end, they were vulnerable. It was for this reason that several financially-secure Halflings had bought the Keep and kept it in its current state of decay. Even though it was not Halflings that had destroyed it, the Keep was still a good reminder to the locals. Plus, it was a good place to hold weekly drills, as well as the annual Summer Solstice Dance and Impaling. Halflings came from leagues around for the event.

  Currently, the Keep was being used as a rallying point.

  In front of the line of Halflings, a chubby Halfling in full dress uniform addressed them. The Halflings stared straight ahead as they listened to the recounting of a long since ended invasion. Tears of joy ran down several Halflings’ cheeks as they heard of massive battles, copious amounts of spilled blood, and general destruction caused by the invading Halfling horde. Finally, the Halfling stopped talking. He looked down the line of soldiers. A lone tear rolled down his cheek. Clearing his throat, he put his hands on his hips, “Inspection ... Arms!” Barked the Halfling- Colonel Magnus von Humungous.

  Obediently, the score16 of Halflings drew their swords and held them up.

  “Ready!” They all said in unison.

  “Good, good,” said Colonel Humungous as he moved from Halfling to Halfling. “Very good” he said to several. Finally, after inspecting all twenty (the entire score) of the soldiers, he moved back in front of them, “Port ... Arms!” He commanded.

  The group returned their swords to their respective sheaths quickly.

  “At ease, you fine bunch of soldiers,” said Humungous, “You are probably wondering why I have asked you here.” None of the soldiers took the bait and remained rock-still. “Right then,” said Humungous. He looked over the soldiers again, “Really? You all know why you’re here?”

  The soldiers shuffled about. Finally, the leader of the group, a Corporal, spoke up, “Sir! We do not know why we are here!” He shouted. “But we are here to do whatever you want us to!” He looked forward again, “We hope it has to do with killing folk!” Several soldiers nodded (they were, after all at ease).

  Colonel Humungous moved in front of the Corporal, “Exactly so, my fine soldier, that is, indeed part of the plan.”

  The Corporal stared straight ahead. The Colonel stared at the Corporal.

  Finally, after several long moments the Corporal looked at his superior officer, “Honestly, Sir, we have no idea why we’re here, Sir” he confessed.

  “Good, good,” said the Colonel as he again moved to the front of group. “And that’s how it should be. Since it’s a secret mission and all.”

  Several soldiers nodded. Usually secret missions meant that more mischief and mayhem could occur and no one would ever find out about it. It was one of the perks of secret missions. That and extra rations.

  “Your job, my brave Halflings, will be to infiltrate the town of Aution, determine what sort of resistance they can put together once the invasion starts...” As he spoke, several of the Halflings smiled. “... and knock heads as you see fit!”

  “Knock heads,” mumbled several of the Halflings.

  “Push ‘em around!” Quipped one.

  Two Halflings drew their swords.

  “Safety Tax!” Said another. The fervor was building.

  One of the Halflings, unable to contain himself, let out a loud “Huzzah!”17 He has been on secret missions before.

  “Yes, that is authorized as well,” said the Colonel to the young Halfling. “Just try to avoid any witnesses this time,” he tut-tutted.

  “Huzzah” muttered several of the other Halflings. Ominously.

  “So, to recap,” said Colonel Humungous, “INfiltrate, deTERmine, and kNock heads! That is your mission. We have an intelligence party already inserted into town and they are compiling the order of merit for razing ...”

  It was important to have a plan when one burned a town to the ground; it assured the highest number of civilian casualties. If a force just started at one side and set the town ablaze, then residents were able to evacuate through the non-inflamed parts of town. More often than not, escaped residents joined resistance movements and returned to avenge whoever they felt had wronged them. It created a lot of unnecessary work. More importantly, individuals who had started the aforementioned fire were typically at the top of said list. Since that list was going to be made up entirely of Halflings, it was in their best interest to ensure the razing went efficiently and quickly from the edges of town inward. Hence, the list, or as it was called The List, was an integral part of any Halfling invasion plan.

  “Got it?”

  “INTERN! Yes, Sir!” Said all the Halflings in unison.

  Fine, fine. Then get to work!” Barked Colonel Humongous. “DIS ...” He stopped himself as he almost committed a breach of military etiquette. “As you were,” he ordered.

  And they were.

  The Colonel began again, “A - ten ... SHUN!” He barked. The group stopped their fidgeting and stood rock still. “Right, right,” said Colonel Humungous, “DIS ... missed!”

  The Corporal turned to the Halfling next to him. “Gigantus,” he said, “I want you to take half the men and form your own squad. We’re going to split our forces. You’re going to get the north side of town, and we’ll get the south side.”

  “Yes, Corporal,” said the Halfling as he saluted.

  “When we get to the middle of town, The List should be completed.”

  “Yes, Corporal,” said the Halfling again as he stood arrow straight (albeit 2 7/8 feet tall).

  The Corporal exhaled angrily. “Stop that. If you’re taking half the force, then you are going to be a Corporal too.”

  “Yes, Corporal Colossus,” said the Halfling (he hadn’t been promoted yet).

  “Attention troop!” Said Corporal Colossus loudly, “I hereby bestow a portion of my rank on now-Corporal Gigantus, with all the power, prestige, and pompousness it entails!”

  “Here, here!” Said the Halflings in unison.

  With that Corporal Colossus snorted deeply then spat on Gigantus’ chest.

  “Here, here!” Said the Halflings again.

  “Thanks, Colossus,” said Corporal Gigantus. Promotion ceremonies were quick and easy in the Halfling Army. Demotions were also quick. Albeit messier.

  “Take half the men and swing out wide around Aution to enter from the north side of town. Don’t get too close to Prost Garrison patrols, but make sure you keep a low profile both outside and inside town.”

  “Got it,” said Corporal Gigantus, “I’ll see you in the middle of the town.” With that, he moved down the rank, slapping half a score of the Halflings in the face. Hard. “Let’s go, Halflings!” He said as he got to the end of the rank. Dutifully, the Halflings with a reddened cheek moved to follow him.

  Corporal Colossus faced the remaining force. “We’re going to give them a couple of three days to get in position so we’ll hunker down here while we wait. Get your gear cleaned up and ready to go.” The Halflings all nodded. Several smiled. The Corporal pointed a menacing finger at the soldiers, “And no impalings.”

  Again, the Halflings nodded. This time several frowned.