Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

Chapter Thirty-Three

  Wherein Gatherer Division Wands

  Unfortunately Do Not Begin to Arrive

  The pair arrived in Aution later that evening and Grimbledung’s return was met with much fanfare by Drimblerod and Nulu. Akita was pleased to see there hadn’t been a murder (those directly affected his annual raises) but upset that RatShambler left town without being questioned. “I’ll catch that beast yet” he growled. Rat heartily wished him luck as the Constable left.

  The next morning, Grimbledung flipped the sign on the shop, glad to be back in friendly, and more importantly- indoor surroundings. He opened the door and let the breeze blow in. “Here we go people,” he called out the door, “back in business.”

  “So he doesn’t remember how he got killed, so make sure you don’t bring it up,” said Rat emphatically. “Not a word, Drimblerod.”

  “It was all an accident so he won’t hear it from me. I’ll try to mention it to Akita the next time I see him. I can’t imagine he’ll care one way or another.”

  “Fine.”

  “He should also know that you’re the Shambler.”

  “What?”

  “He’s going to find out sooner or later anyway. It might as well be on your terms.”

  “Fine.” Rat looked over his shoulder. “The crazy Gnome cometh.”

  “Have any more Gatherers come in while I was away?” Grimbledung asked hopefully as he moved to the counter, “The Jamboree is just around the corner and we need as many people as possible, you know.”

  Drimblerod shook his head, “What we need is wands to come in that we can resell, you know. That Jamboree of yours is going to be a big pit that we throw money into if we don’t get a good number of unusual wands to sell.” He scrunched up his face, “And if all our hopes lie in that Runion Earl character, it’s going to be a deep hole that we’re going to have.”

  Grimbledung shook his head, “They’ll come through, don’t you worry.” He looked at the door expectedly, “Why we’ll have someone in here within the next few moments, just you watch.”

  “Well while you’re waiting, I think I’ll watch from across town. I’m going to get a haircut and a bath.”

  Grimbledung gawked at his partner, “A haircut and bath? What for?”

  “I was thinking of going out on the town tonight. It’s been a while,” he remarked offhandedly.

  Grimbledung flailed his arms, “I wanna go too! I wanna go carousing! I wanna go out too!” He kicked himself mentally for not bringing up his carousing requirements earlier. Now he could get left behind tending the shop. “Wanna go!” He tugged on his ears.

  Drimblerod put his hands up mimicking his partner, “Go! Sure you can go. Who said you couldn’t?” He wailed, “I just wanted to get a shave and bath before I did.”

  Grimbledung wiped a tear from his eye, “Really? ‘Cause I was meaning to talk to you about going out once and a while. I’m a young Gnome, after all.”

  Drimblerod raised an eyebrow at his partner, “Young?”

  Grimbledung waved his hand dismissively, “Well, in the grand scheme of things I am.”

  “Fine, fine,” said Drimblerod, “You tend the store while I get cleaned up, then if you want to go over, I’ll tend the store. You are going to get cleaned up, right?”

  Grimbledung ran his fingers through his hair as he looked down to appraise his attire, “Well, maybe a quick wash and a cut will do me good.”

  Drimblerod gave a relieved sigh, “Great. I’ll be back in a snap, then ...”

  Grimbledung thrust his fists in the air and did a little gig, without looking at Drimblerod (lest he stop him) he broke into song-

  Aution town’ll be singing this song

  Who they? Who they!

  Aution town’s Gnomes’r going strong!

  Oh they do, do they!

  Gonna drink to - night

  Gonna spend my pay!

  Aution town’ll be singing this song

  All the Gnome-long ... night!

  Drimblerod shook his head as he left the store. As he closed the door he looked back at Grimbledung who continued to sing at the top of his lungs. The jig hadn’t stopped either.

  As he turned to go down the sidewalk, he ran headlong into a group of Halflings, knocking the lead one to the ground. There’s quite a lot of Halflings in town all of a sudden. Very peculiar. It was like the Mysterious Halfling Migration of 657, right after the Great Strawberry Blight. Maybe Halflings were mad-crazy for strawberries. Drimblerod looked down at the Halfling who had sat down hard after the collision, “Sorry about that Pal, I didn’t see you there.”

  The Halfling glowered up at Drimblerod, “Watch where yer goin’!”

  Drimblerod offered his hand to the Halfling, “I had my mind on other things.” Drimblerod understood the issues that fueled the contrariness of Halflings; except for Pixies and Brownies, they were the smallest of civilized races. Practically everyone looked down at Halflings. It gave them a race-wide chip on their shoulders. Individually, they were fine to deal with, but once several got together, the large chip became a Large Chip. “Here let me help you up,” he offered.

  “I’ll help myself up, Gnome,” sneered the Halfling as he worked his way to his feet. Several of the other Halflings grunted their own disapproval.

  “In any case, again, sorry about that. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” Drimblerod gave a casual, very non-regulation salute to the soldiers. “Carry on.” With what looked like ten Halflings, the chip was probably more of a CHIP and he didn’t want to have it wacked about his head. “Have a fine day, good Halfling,” he said as he tried to walk around the group.

  The group spread out blocking his path. “Yer in an awful hurry Gnome. Afraid to stand here with us?”

  It was the second time the Halfling had turned ‘Gnome’ into what seemed like an insult. Chip or not, Drimblerod’s patience was wearing thin. They were, after all, Halflings. “Sure. Let’s stand here for a while.” Drimblerod crossed his arms nonchalantly and began tapping his foot. He surveyed the area, then the sky, “Lots of weather we’ve been having,” he remarked, “for the season.”

  One of the Halflings shoved him. “You tryin’ to be funny?”

  Drimblerod looked down at the Halfling, “No,” he said with a smile to the Halfling that just fed him the perfect straight line, “If I were trying to be funny, I’d say ‘A naked blonde walks into a bar with a pooka under one arm and a two- foot salami under the other. She lays the pooka on the table. The bartender says, ‘I suppose you won't be needing a drink.’ And the naked lady says...”

  “Drimblerod!” Nulu called from across the street, “You okay over there?”

  Drimblerod looked at Nulu, “Nulu! I was just coming to see you. Got a second?” Drimblerod pushed his way between two Halflings that were penning him in and quickly made his way across the street. “I’m glad to see you!”

  “We’ll talk later Gnome,” said the leader of the group -Corporal Colossus- “We’ve unfinished business.”

  “I wanna hear the end of the joke,” lamented one of the Halflings.

  Corporal Colossus punched him in the face, “Quiet you! You’ll never hear the end of that joke. We’re not here for story time! When we meet up with the Intel Halflings tonight, we’ll let them know about this Gnome. I’ll get him to the top of the list,” he snarled. He looked up at the sign of the shop he was in front of. “Second Hand Sorcery? Psychotic Readings? Drimblerod?” He kicked the side of the shop. “And I’ll get this shop at the top of the list too. He kicked the shop again. “Let’s go reconnoiter and harass some more.” The other Halflings fell in step behind him as they continued down the sidewalk, shoving and insulting as they went.

  Drimblerod watched as what appeared to be the lead Halfling punched another one in the face, then kicked his Shoppe. Twice. “What is wrong with those people. I mean, I understand why Orcs are the way they are, but what gives with Halflings?” He asked, even though he knew the answer.

  Nulu
shrugged. “I think it’s some sort of inferiority complex. Because of their size, they always try to make sure they act like the toughest one in the room.” She watched the group of Halflings continue down the sidewalk, shoving an elderly lady out of their way as they went. She dropped the mincemeat pie she was carrying. “Or the street. So, what did you want to see me about?”

  Drimblerod shook his head, “Oh, nothing, sorry. I just wanted to get away from those crazies. I’m going to get a haircut and bath.”

  “A night on the town?” Nulu winked at the Gnome.

  It’s been a while and I know Grim has been dying to get out and about. I’m amazed he hasn’t mentioned it yet.”

  He thought back to their exchange in the shoppe, “You should have seen him when he thought I wasn’t going to take him with me.”

  Nulu gave Drimblerod a poke, “You should be careful pushing his buttons. You don’t know which one controls his craziness.”

  Drimblerod laughed. “That’s true. I didn’t look at it that way. Say you want to come along? Tonight?”

  Nulu shook her head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. An ...” She considered her words, “... out on the town Grimbledung and me in the same place? That may not be the best idea.” She stuck out her tongue. “The amount of double entendres I’d be ducking would be staggering.”

  “I understand completely. Well, I’m going to get to the barbers so that Grim can go when I get back. It seems like a pretty quiet day so it seemed safe to leave him alone.”

  “Well, have fun then.” Nulu waved as she turned and continued up the sidewalk.

  Drimblerod went the other direction, towards the barber shop.