Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.
Page 60
Chapter Thirty-Four
Wherein Grimbledung Goes
Searching for Wands
Grimbledung made his way to the edge of town, searching for Halflings as he went. Dejected, he finally passed the last of the buildings that marked the edge of town. He looked off into the distance and saw several plumes of smoke; a sure sign that a battle had taken place.
Grimbledung picked up his pace, hoping to arrive before everything was burned to a crisp. It was common practice to burn the remains of a battle to keep pests at a minimum. It was not that there was any sort of overarching agreement among people for this to happen, it was a matter of practicality. If an invading force was repelled, the local populace did not want to be overrun by rats and vultures, so they burned the bodies to keep their homeland pristine. If, on the other hand, an invading force was successful, they too would burn the remains to ensure that their newly gained territory was not overrun by rats and vultures. Mutual destruction was what rats and vultures hoped for.
After several minutes, Grimbledung’s breath became labored; he lamented that he had not thought to bring Rat with him to act as transportation. “I wish I had thought to bring Rat along as transportation,” Grimbledung lamented.
Finally, after almost five minutes of walking, Grimbledung reached the location of the battle. He surveyed the area. It was more of a skirmish than a battle; there weren’t more than four or five piles burning, and they weren’t too awfully tall either; just barely over his head. Also, oddly, there were piles of wood stacked up as well.
Grimbledung moved to the first pile (of bodies)- which seemed to be smoldering instead of outright burning- and began to poke around the edges looking for any unarmored bodies. Finding none, he moved dejectedly to the second pile (still bodies). This one also seemed to be merely smoldering.
“What horrible fire starters,” Grimbledung tut-tutted. “These people can’t even get a good fire going, how they won a battle is beyond me” he remarked to a very dead warrior as he rolled him over, “you should be ashamed.”
“So should you” someone behind Grimbledung said.
Grimbledung jumped straight into the air, “Ghosts!” He shrieked. In a flash his wand was in his hand. He was greeted by an indeterminate number of Halflings (not only could Grimbledung not read, counting was as of yet, just beyond his abilities). As he saw them, he relaxed. “Sorry, you scared me half to death!”
“Well, we’re halfway there at least,” remarked the lead Halfling. Or at least he seemed to be the lead one, as he was in front of the others. Behind him, Grimbledung saw several other Halflings dump arms-full of wood. Very odd.
“Hah. Good one,” said Grimbledung amicably. Pestering individual Halflings was safe enough. Pestering a group within city limits was also safe since there was always someone around who didn’t like Halflings who would jump into the fray. Outside of town, with no potential backup, pestering a group of Halflings was definitely not safe. “If this is your area to loot, I’ll just be on my way.”
The Halfling shook his head, “No, Gnome, this isn’t our loot.”
Grimbledung smiled.
“This is our handiwork.”
Grimbledung frowned.
“We were just basking in yet another absurdly glorious Halfling triumph.”
Several of the Halflings let their hands rest on their weapon’s hilts. “Triumph” they muttered.
“Well then, congratulations on your success, good Halfling.” Grimbledung put out his hand. “Congratulations all around.” He extended it towards several of them.
The Halfling ignored Grimbledung’s extended hand. “So what’r you doing out here, Gnome?”
Once again, Grimbledung ignored the way the Halfling said ‘Gnome’ since he was seriously outnumbered. “Just passing through. I’m on my way to town” he lied. “Getting a haircut. Bath.” He took a step backward. “That sort of thing.”
“Wanting to look good for your own funeral?” Said the leader of the group.
Grimbledung ignored the threat and took a different approach, “I’m Grimbledung. Grimbledung Sixtoes. Owner of Second Hand Sorcery.”
The Halfling just stared at him.
“If you’re in the need for a wand or two, we’re the shop for you.” The urge to turn the phrase into a catchy song started to build. Grimbledung forced it down and set a healthy dose of Self-Preservation on it to keep it there.
“I’m Corporal Titanicus” said the Halfling flatly, “Leader of this deadly Intelligence Squad of the Lord High Priest of the Halfling Empire’s Army.”
The song deep within Grimbledung grappled with Self-Preservation. “Gah!” Was all he could say as the inner battle waged on.
“What?” Said Corporal Titanicus as he narrowed his eyes.
“It’s Gnomish for ‘very glad to meet you’,” offered Grimbledung. Self- Preservation got the song in a half nelson. Things were looking up.
“Sure it is,” sneered the Corporal. The remaining Halflings lowered their hands to rest on their hilts. Of their weapons- Halflings have no patience with dangling participles.
Grimbledung, thinking the situation was defused since Self-Preservation now had the song in a full nelson33 and the Halfling seemed to accept his translation, he relaxed and looked over at the Halfling busily stacking wood. “What’s with the wood stacking?” He asked.
Corporal Titanicus smirked at Grimbledung, “It’s for the upcoming Festival at the Cessation of Violence.”
“Festival? That sounds fun.” Grimbledung looked at the Halflings. “Cessation of violence? What violence?”
“Oh, that’s upcoming too.” said the Corporal. Several of the Halflings nodded.
“Well, I sure want to be invited to the festival.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll have a front row seat. You and your shop.”
Grimbledung beamed. Reaching out he took the Halfling’s hand and shook it. “Sounds great Corporal! I’ll be looking forward to it!” With that he dropped his handshake and hurriedly walked away from the corpse-burning, wood-stacking Halflings bent on destruction.
As Grimbledung walked, only one thing stood out in his mind: get a haircut and a bath so he could go carousing!
“That is one of the stupidest Gnomes I’ve ever met,” said one of the Halflings to the Corporal. The rest nodded.
Sadly, he was correct. And he had met a large number of Gnomes.
The rest of Chapter Thirty-Three
Wherein Gatherer Division Wands
Unfortunately Do Not Begin to Arrive
Drimblerod sat at the counter, hoping customers would come in.
No customers came in for the rest of the day which worked out well because both Gnomes were looking forward to a night of drinking, dancing, and carousing and having to work late would have definitely put a damper on the evening’s festivities which turned out to be really, really great.
The next day, Grimbledung and Drimblerod sat at the counter, secretly hoping no customers would come in because they were dealing with the aftereffects of a night (and early morning) of carousing.
To their pleasure, no customers came in for the rest of the day.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Just because we figured there should be one34
No customers came in the next day.