Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

It’s

  ME!

  He intoned

  In a puff of smoke, he began to grow and his tail shortened. Soon, he was a full-grown Human; the Great Garibaldis. For a moment, he wore a wrist sheath strapped tightly to his back. And nothing else. The strap on the wrist sheath gave out and it dropped to the floor. Leaving him with nothing on. Naked and in the doorway of the shop, he raised his arms over his head and took a deep bow. “Tada!” He exclaimed as he stood upright again.

  “What kinda shop you Gnomes running here?” Growled Akita as he appeared directly behind the Great Garibaldis. “I run a rrrrrough town, but we have some dignity.” He kicked the man into the store and pulled the door closed behind them. “Therrre’s ladies out there, pal! Ya can’t just moon passersby.”

  “Told you so,” Drimblerod whispered to Grimbledung.

  “Watch it, you!” Said Garibaldis as he turned around, “don’t you ....” He got around and was face to face with Akita, “You don’t...,” he tried again. “know?” He offered. “Dealing with?” He squeaked.

  Drimblerod pulled the curtain beside him down and tossed it to the man who quickly wrapped it around himself.

  The man gaped as he backed away from Akita. “Nice ...d - d – d - “

  Akita barked at the man. “Don’t you even dare say it.” He warned as he straightened up. “The name’s AKITA. Akita Finnish. And I’m the law around here.” He snarled, yellow eyes narrow but still glowing bright.

  Garibaldi’s demeanor changed completely. “The law! Thank Sheba’s stars!” He did a quick little jig then lunged at Akita, catching him completely off guard. He hugged the constable, whose eyes grew large. Hugs were something that he just did not receive. From anyone.36

  “Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” Babbled Garibaldis.

  Akita looked extremely uncomfortable. He grabbed for Grimbledung who quickly moved out of reach. “Let go of me you madman!” He howled. “Someone get ‘im off me!”

  Drimblerod had never seen anyone flummox Akita. Of course, he had also never met anyone crazy enough to actually try to hug the Constable. It was, without a doubt, a most unexpected and effective tactic. He stayed in place to enjoy the show.

  Garibaldis started to sob. He put his head on Akita’s shoulder and cried, “Six years I’ve been away and finally I meet a lawman that I just know can stand up to them!”

  Akita went from uncomfortable to full blown panic. As he backed away from the wailing man, the man walked with him, still hugging and sobbing. As he did, the curtain dropped to the floor.

  They did a small circle in the center of the shop. Finally, Akita threw his head back and belted out a howl. Shelves rattled. Grimbledung covered his ears. Garibaldis finally let go. He picked up the curtain and blew his nose on a corner of it. Then after a moment’s consideration- and to everyone’s relief - he donned it like a toga, “Sorry about that. I get emotional at times.”

  Akita stopped the howl and leveled his eyes at the man. “Don’t grrrrab me again! Just tell me what’s goin’ on!” He stepped back from the man, (partly) to give him room to speak, and (more so) to put some distance between him and the crazed, emotional, barely dressed Human, “From over there,” he pointed.

  “Well you see, what happened was six years ago,” began Garibaldis, as he wrung a corner of the fabric between his hands. He had calmed down considerably, “I was doing this Gig...”

  Akita barked loudly at the man. “I don’ want a historrry lesson. Just give me the facts and keep it short.”

  “Just the facts? No great story?” The man pouted.

  “Save that for yer kids,” snarled Akita.

  Garibaldis exhaled and composed his thoughts. “Short. Right. I’m a Magician. I was banished to the Great Sandy Desert for not paying my dues. A few months ago, a couple of Magician Guild Enforcers showed up.” Drimblerod slapped Grimbledung’s ear as the man told the abridged story. “They stole my Shamblers, food and water and left me to die. They said they were coming after Drimblerod and his partner so I got here before them to warn Drimblerod partly because he gave me a good deal on some wands for a birthday Gig I was doing and partly because they left me to die.” He gestured towards Drimblerod, “It was a really good deal.”

  “So

  “Say Mister Garibaldis,” asked Grimbledung, “how far ahead of those two Enforcers do you think you are?”

  The door burst open and Liverioso barged into the shop. “Ahhh haaa! Tho now your doom ith neigh! Reap the Liveriotho Whirlwind!” He proclaimed.

  Drimblerod slapped Grimbledung’s ear again. Hard.

  Semfeld pushed past his partner, “Oh yes.” He looked around the room as he sneered, “OH YES. This will not go well for you or your ...” He got to Akita. “Your ... cohorts?” He tried.

  “Constable,” corrected Akita. He flattened his ears against his head and crouched back down. “Constable Akita.”

  “Thatht’s good you’re here Conthtable. Thethe Gnomth are wanted for athault againtht Offithial Magithian Guild Enforthers! Those are high crimthes.”

  One of Akita’s ears perked up and he cocked his head to one side. “Honestly, I didn’t get half of what you just said.” His ear re-flattened as he looked at the other Enforcer, a growl started in the back of Akita’s throat, “How ‘bout you? You a complete moron too, or can ya’ speak common?”

  “Oooh!” Countered Liverioso.

  Haughtily, Semfeld stepped in front of Akita. “I am the Great Semfeld.” He stopped to let that sink in. No one seemed to let it. “And I am an Enforcer for the Magician’s Guild.” He puffed up his chest. That bit of information seemed to float around the room without sticking to anyone either.

  The growl started again in Akita.

  Quickly, Semfeld continued, “And that man” he said as he bounded across the room to point at Garibaldis “was wanted for being behind on his dues.”

  “Says he was banished,” interjected Akita.

  “Yeth. He was,” snorted Liverioso, “to the Great Thandy Dethert!”

  “And seems to me six years is plenty punishment for not payin’ union or guild dues.” He whirled toward Liverioso, “And you say another word and I’ll bite yer head off.” He bared his fangs to show that the teeth required for just such a task were readily available.

  Drimblerod couldn’t keep from joining in the fun, “Please don’t Constable. We just got the place cleaned up from the last time.”

  Liverioso blanched and moved his hands to his mouth to make sure nothing escaped. Even Semfeld seemed taken aback. Cautiously he eyed the Constable as he continued, “And these two Gnomes are wanted for high crimes against the Magicians Guild.” He pointed at both of the Gnomes repeatedly.

  “Where’s yer Warrant?”

  “My what?”

  “Yer Warrant. If yer takin’ them to the Guild for punishment, you’ll need something in writin’ t’ take ‘em out’a my jurrrrisdiction.”

  Semfeld stared at the Constable. “Plus” he continued, hoping he could just move past that pesky legality, “plus, that one” he pointed at Grimbledung, “teleported us to the Great Sandy Desert to die!”

  “Where he was,” said Akita pointing at Garibaldis.

  “Yes. To die! That’s attempted murder,” complained Semfeld.

  Wherrre this man had food and water.”

  “Yes.”

  “Before you stole it.”

  “Well. We were on official business” offered Semfeld.

  “And his transporrrtation. That too?”

  “Well. We had to get back here.”

  “Take anything else to come dole out justice?” Growled Akita.

  “Well. Maybe a wand,” Semfeld said. “But that’s reasonable because we were trying to get away.”

  “With his food and water and transporrrtation. Leavin’ him in the desert with nuthin’.”

  Liverioso frowned. “Well, sure if you put it that way, it doesn’t sound on the up and up. But while we were ...”

  “Robbing him
” offered Akita.

  “...yes, robbing him… it didn’t seem too out of place.” As soon as he finished his sentence, Semfeld also moved his hands in front of his mouth. “I want my Guild Rep,” he mumbled past his hands.

  Liverioso nodded frantically.

  Akita looked over his shoulder at Grimbledung, “Ya gonna get it right this time?”

  Grimbledung blinked in surprise at the Constable. “Ahhh. What?” He said.

  Akita winked a bright yellow glowing eye at the Gnome. “Well?”

  Realization beamed across his face. “Yes!” He said again. In a flash, he drew his wand and jabbed it at Semfeld who promptly disappeared. His wand clattered to the floor.

  “Ooooohhh I hate you thoooo much!”

  Grimbledung quickly jabbed his wand at Liverioso who also vanished.

  “Well ... that ‘bout rrrraps that up, I think.” He faced Garibaldis. “Get some clothes before you walk around my streets.”

  Garibaldis moved toward the constable, arms held wide. Tears were forming in his eyes again.

  Akita growled as he backed out of the store. “Keep away from me, you!” His tongue hanging out of one side of his mouth, “Yer a real disturrbin’ ‘uman. I’d hate to find out wishy washy’s contagious.” Mercifully, Door opened behind him and he quickly backed out of the shop.

  Garibaldis exhaled slowly. “So, I’m free now, I suppose.” He faced the

  Gnomes, “And I have you to thank for it. He stepped forward, once again with his arms out wide, “How about a hug?”

  “What you need are clothes. Clothes. Not hugs,” suggested Drimblerod. “How about I get you some coins so you can go to the Clothier. After all, you did come all the way here to warn us about those two.” He walked behind the counter and opened a drawer. He removed his belt pouch and emptied it into the drawer. He then began to rummage in the drawer only putting gold and silver coins in the pouch. Once it was full he walked back around and handed it to Garibaldis. “It’s the least we can do for saving us. If you need any other help, let us know.”

  Garibaldis took the sack and smiled. Tears welled up in his eyes. “I appreciate it. Maybe I’ll try a different line, maybe go back to my work in Alchemy. It’s probably a lot safer.”

  “Alchemy? Say, you ever think of being a professor?” Suggested Grimbledung, “I know a school that’s hiring. “South of town in an old Gristmill.”

  Garibaldis considered it. “Maybe. I might give that a look.”

  “Tell them Drimblerod and Grimbledung sent you. That’s your in.” Suggested Drimblerod

  “I appreciate it.” Garibaldis looked where the two Magician Guild Enforcers had been standing only moments ago. “So where did you send them this time?” He asked Grimbledung.

  “Those two?” Grimbledung asked. “The same place I sent them last time. The middle of the Great Sandy Desert. It’s the most remotest place I’ve been.”

  “Are you sure they took all your food and water the last time they were there?” Asked Drimblerod.

  “Every last bit.”

  “Really sure?” Asked Drimblerod warily.

  “Don’t worry, partner,” said Grimbledung slapping him on the back. “There’s no way they’ll make it out of there twice. No way at all.”

  Drimblerod slapped his ear, “Don’t ever say that again!” This time not so hard.

  Across the street, Fate and Destiny stood. Fate frowned and handed a worn bronze coin to Destiny and they parted ways.

  For the time being.