Perfectly Good Nanny

by Paty Jager

  She slipped the single sheet of paper out of an envelope postmarked March 1991 and stared at the square penmanship covering the page.

  Beth,

  I miss you and the sagebrush and sandy soil of that damned land of my family with such a longing it nearly makes me sick. Why did I sign up for military duty when I have you waiting for me? At the time, I felt it was something I needed to do, but sitting here in the heat, staring at a photo of you, I wish you had talked me out of it. I love you. When I get done with this tour, I’m coming for you, and we’re going to get married. I don’t care what your dad thinks of me. We belong together. We love the dry, god-forsaken country of our families and each other. What more do we need?

  Love always,

  Brock

  Carina wiped at the tear trickling down her cheek. He wasn’t poetic, but she could imagine the love welling in the heart of the young woman reading the letter.

  So Beth’s family lived around here. Why weren’t they helping with the rearing of their granddaughter? In the letter, Brock stated Beth’s father didn’t like him. Surely, once the two were married and the man had seen how much Brock loved his daughter, they would have made amends? She’d ask Maddie about her mother’s family.

  The far off bark of a dog surprised her. The only dog that barked around here was Roscoe, and he’d left in the back of the truck with Brock and Maddie.

  They were back . Fear of being found with the letters set her in motion. She bundled the envelopes into her hands and hurried across the room to the clock. She set the bundle in the back of the clock, but they tumbled over. Shoot! Would he notice there wasn’t a rubber band? Did she have time to find another one? The rumble of a motor suggested not.

  Taking a deep breath, she shut the clock with a click and gathered her dusting supplies. Carina walked casually down the hall with the dust rag in her hand. Maddie burst through the back door as Carina flipped the rag at a cobweb in a corner of the hallway. The girl plopped her backside down on the bench in the mudroom.

  “We found them!” she shouted, kicking off her rubber boots and pulling on a pair of cowboy boots.

  “The cows?” Carina asked, placing the dust rag and spray in the cupboard. She took a deep breath to compose herself and slow her frantically beating heart. Deceit had never been a part of her life. Not until she’d been left with empty arms and no home.

  “Yeah, they’re over on the bluffs. Gotta use the horses.” Maddie headed for the door.

  “But it’s just about dinner time and nearly dark.”

  “No time. They haven’t had much feed.”

  Carina grabbed the child by her coat before she darted out the door. “Where’s your dad?”

  “In the barn. Saddling the horses.”

  Pulling a coat off a hook, she followed the girl out to the large building she had yet to explore.

  She’d grown up in the city dreaming of horses, dogs, and the wide open spaces. This was her chance to fulfill her dreams. Brock was tightening a leather strap on a horse when she entered the building behind Maddie.

  “You get in and out without that city woman seeing you?” Brock asked, not turning from his task.

  She stared at the man as he continued deftly working with the horse. Did he call her the city woman all the time around Maddie? That was demeaning in itself without his trying to hide their actions from her.

  “No, she didn’t,” Carina answered. His head jerked around at the sound of her voice. The guilty look on his face made her laugh. “Why didn’t you want me to know you were headed God knows where right before dark to get cows?”

  “Because you’d come out here and debate and waste time.” He strode across the space between the horses and bridles hanging on the wall.

  “Is it wise to put your lives at risk to go after cows who will be in the same spot tomorrow morning when you have a full day of light to gather them?” Carina moved closer as he put the headgear on the horse. She couldn’t resist reaching out and touching the animal. The thrill it brought her was new and welcome. She pet the horse and inhaled deeply, breathing in the animal, leather, and the man standing within arm’s reach.

  “You allergic to horses?” he asked, walking the animal away from her.

  “No, I’ve never been this close to one before. I’ve read in books how people who like horses love the scent of leather and the animal, but until this moment I never knew what they were talking about.” She snickered when Brock stared at her like she needed a tranquilizer.

  “You’ve never been near a horse?” Maddie chimed in, leading a horse toward them with such authority it made Carina a bit jealous. The girl stood in front of her handling the large animal with the same confidence she handled her brother.

  “Never.” She placed a hand on the soft nose of the horse Maddie held and glanced at Brock. “But I’d love to ride one.”

  “You won’t be riding one here. We don’t have time to teach you.” He led the horse out of the barn and next to a trailer hooked onto his pickup.

  “I would think living in this country, it would be a necessity to know how to ride.” Carina crossed her arms and stared at the man.

  “I told you there’s no time.” He opened the door of the trailer and led the horse in.

  “I don’t mean right this minute. I’ll be here a month at least.”

  He stopped and stared at her. “Only a month.”

  “I would think in that month you could find a spare moment here or there to show me the basics in case you need me to help.”

  “In case you haven’t noticed, this is a cattle ranch. There are incidents all the time that take up my time, and I’m one hand short.”

  “I would think Maddie could—”

  He chopped her sentence off with a dark look and a hand slicing through the air. “No! She won’t give you lessons. A greenhorn like you on a horse is dangerous.” He motioned toward the interior of the trailer. “Maddie get your horse in there.”

  When Maddie and the horse were inside, he walked so close to Carina she could feel his breath on her forehead. Anger-filled eyes stared down at her.

  “Do not ask Maddie to teach you.”

  “Why?”

  “I have my reasons.” The agony she saw behind the anger tore at her.

  “Fine. I won’t ask her. But I still think it’s crazy to move cows in the dark.” Carina backed away from the man and her need to reach out to him and try to ease the suffering she saw in his eyes.

  “We don’t have far to move them, but I want them in feed as soon as possible. This is an important time for the growth of the calves in their bellies.” He shut the door on the trailer and hurried back into the barn.

  “Be careful,” Carina told Maddie as she climbed into the cab of the truck.

  “We’ll be fine. We both know the area and the horses have done this a hundred times.” Her youthful optimism made Carina smile.

  Brock returned with four flashlights. “You don’t happen to have anything in the house we can take along to snack on do you?” he asked.

  “Did you already eat all those sandwiches?” The sheepish look on his face answered her question. “I made cookies before Tate went down for a nap.” She hurried into the house and filled a bag with cookies. Turning to hurry back out to the truck, she nearly ran into Brock.

  “Sorry, for being so harsh out there, but I’ve got a lot on my mind,” his deep voice softened with apology while his eyes watched her.

  “I’ll forgive you this time, but I’m not giving up on the lessons.” Carina held up the bag of cookies. “Be careful.”

  He looked in the bag and licked his lips. “Chocolate chip, my favorite. I don’t know if Maddie will get any.”

  “If she doesn’t, you have to give me lessons,” she said as he turned and hurried out the door.

  Realizing she didn’t know when they would return, Carina ran to the door, threw it open, and yelled, “When do you think you’ll be back?”

  Brock waved and kept on going.
>
  They’d get soup whenever they came home. She removed her coat and headed up the stairs to see if Tate was awake.

  Walking to the boy’s room, she thought of Brock’s aversion to her learning to ride. What could possibly happen if he was right there showing her what to do? She knew riding alone could be dangerous—she’d read more than one story about a lone rider either dying or becoming crippled from a fall. But why was he so adamant about not teaching her?

  Tate stood in his crib, a smile on his round, cherub face.

  “Hey, big boy, you ready to keep me company? Your dad and sister have left us alone for a while longer.” As she picked him up, he placed his hands on either side of her face and laid a loud, sloppy kiss on her nose. If she hadn’t already lost her heart to the boy the night before, his sweet kiss would have done it now. Tears trickled down her cheeks. She would never relish the sweetness of her own child’s kiss. The ache this knowledge brought to her chest took her breath away.

  Tate smiled at her and touched the tears. Holding him, cleaving to his innocence, she slowly regained control of the moment. But she knew each day spent with him would make it harder to leave when the month ended. It would be like losing her child all over again.

  After changing his diaper, she rested him on her hip and headed down the stairs. When Maddie gave her a tour of the house the day before, she noticed a bookcase full of books on cattle and horses in the office. She strode into Brock’s sanctuary, plucked a book on the basics of horse riding, and settled into a large overstuffed chair. Maybe if she showed some knowledge of the animal and riding, Brock would take her request more serious.

  ****

  When Brock and Maddie rolled into the yard around midnight, Carina met them at the barn.

  “Go take a hot shower. I have soup on the stove,” she told Maddie, taking the rope from her hands and leading her horse to a hitching post.

  Maddie looked at her dad and then at Carina. “It’s okay, I think I can unsaddle your horse.” Carina shooed the girl out of the barn.

  “This isn’t going to get you riding lessons,” Brock said, loosening the cinch on his horse.

  “Did you get the cattle moved?” she asked, changing the subject and mimicking everything he did. While reading the books on horses, she’d decided to go at this differently. Act as if she didn’t want to learn to ride, but help as much as she could with the animals.

  “Yeah, they’re all accounted for and together. Makes it a whole lot easier to keep an eye on them when they aren’t scattered.” He pulled the saddle from the horse’s back and packed it to a rack on the wall.

  Carina had the cinch loose, but wasn’t sure what to do with it. She flopped it over the saddle and grasped the two ends of the saddle, dragging it down off the horse. After watching Brock she hadn’t expect the thing to weigh so darn much. Gravity took over and the saddle landed with a thud on her feet.

  Embarrassment scorched her face as she quickly picked the saddle up and lugged it to the rack.

  “Let me help you.” Brock’s hands touched hers when he grasped the saddle. Electricity shot up her arms from his touch. She stepped back as he placed the saddle on the rack. Had he felt the charge? He didn’t appear to be flustered even though her heart thudded in her chest like a runaway horse.

  Brock took a minute straightening the stirrups and cinches on the saddles before turning back to the woman. He didn’t want her to see how her touch affected him. It had been a long time since a woman set off bolts of need through him. And the curvy brunette who’d taken over his house did.

  “You said something about soup?” He walked over to the horses, untying each one and leading them to the stalls in the barn.

  “I put chicken soup on low about two hours ago. You never said when you’d be back.” The accusation in her voice made him grin.

  “When I’m chasing cattle, I never know when I’ll be back.”

  “It’s a good thing Maddie doesn’t go to school. Keeping her out till midnight would make it hard for her to get up in the morning.”

  Again with the accusing tone .

  He knew someone from the city didn’t understand the urgency in his actions where the cattle were concerned, but damn, she didn’t have to act as if he were a neglectful parent.

  “If you hadn’t been here to watch Tate, Maddie would have been in the house and in bed when I came home.” He unbuckled the halters on the horses and let them go.

  “So you think leaving a twelve-year-old alone for hours at night with her baby brother is better than taking her with you?” Her cheeks flushed, her eyes glistened with indignation.

  “You have no right to come here and criticize how I raise my children.” He took three long strides toward her. “Do they look abused or neglected to you?” Towering over her, he glared at her upturned face. How dare she question him?

  She didn’t back away or down.

  “Your daughter ordering a nanny screams of neglect to me,” Carina retorted with steel in her voice.

  Her reaction puzzled him.

  “She had help.” He did feel remorse his daughter knew what she needed and he didn’t.

  “But you knew nothing about it.” She threw her hands in the air, turned away, then swung back around. “If you supervised your children as you say you do, she wouldn’t have been able to arrange for a nanny and have one arrive without your knowledge.”

  She was right, but he’d never admit it. He was a bad excuse for a father, but his love for this land and his children tore him in two–they both needed him.

  Brock rubbed a hand over his face and backed away from the woman who made him see himself in an unfavorable light. “I know,” he mumbled.

  “You know what?” she stepped close. He could smell her perfume mixed with the scent of baby powder.

  “I know I’m not around enough, but they also need fed and clothed and this god-forsaken land is what puts food on the table and clothes on their backs.”

  “But they need you, too.” Her face softened. “Physical contact is just as important as food and shelter.” She reached out rubbing his arm. “You’re a wonderful father when you’re with the children. And I’ve no doubt Maddie had a terrific time with you today.”

  The energy her touch set off frightened him. God help him. Between the zing of her touch and the passion in her words, his body overruled his good sense.

  Grasping her shoulders, he pulled her to him and held her against his chest, breathing in the scent of her. It felt good to hold a woman again. Especially, one who’d just given him such high praise, even if it was after raking him up one side and down the other.

  When she didn’t pull from his embrace, he slid his hand down her back, forgetting all the reasons he’d built to stay away from a woman.

  “Daddy! Carina! Are you coming in soon?” Maddie called from the house.

  Carina stepped out of his arms and ducked her head as she headed to the door of the barn.

  Brock wasn’t sure if he needed to apologize for holding her or for being a poor father. “I’m sorry.” He said just when she reached the door.

  She looked back. From the distance he couldn’t see what flared in her eyes. “You have no need to apologize. I’m the one who started demeaning you. I’m sorry. You’re a good man. You only have to tolerate my rages for a month. Then I’ll be out of your life.” She jogged to the house.

  Brock flipped the lights off in the barn and stood in the dark. Out of your life. He didn’t want her out of his life. She was good for the kids. He relived holding her in his arms. And good for him.

  Contentment mixed with desire flowed through him.

  When the month was up, he’d find a way to pay her to stay on.

  Six

  Brock dropped his reading glasses on top of the ledger and rubbed his temples. He had to get top dollar for every calf and possibly sell a couple of cows to get out from under the bank’s thumb. It still rankled his friend, Ray, bailed on him, taking a job in a larger city and leaving him
at the mercy of the head of the local bank. The bank manager had high hopes to repossess the ranch and resell for big money—leaving his family homeless.

  Strains of Shania Twain vibrated the windows in the office as the bass of the song shook the house.

  “What the—” He pushed back from the desk and stood. Shania Twain didn’t bother him, but the decibels set his hair dancing. Brock crossed the room in two strides.

  At the kitchen, he heard his daughter’s young voice and the deep, sultry tones he recognized as Carina’s, boom out the words, “I feel like a woman”. Leaning against the doorjamb, he couldn’t help but smile.

  Carina and Maddie sang into wooden spoons and shook their backsides like a horse scratching its tail on a tree. Watching the slow sway of Carina’s hips sent heat to his loins. Her seductive voice curled around him, drowning out Shania and the world in general.

  She tossed her hair over her shoulder and looked back. Her face flushed when she spotted him, but she kept on singing as Maddie sidestepped alongside of her. They both shouted the last sentence, “Man, I feel like a woman!” and broke into laughter.

  Seeing the joy on Maddie’s face made his heart thud with happiness. She was his light and grounded him. It melted his heart seeing her act like a kid. With all her responsibilities, she rarely let herself go.

  Clapping his hands, he moved into the room. Maddie jumped as though she’d been caught doing something wrong.

  “We were—”

  “Having fun. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He tweaked her freckled nose and looked at the flushed face and sparkling eyes of Carina. “I’m surprised a city girl knows how to belt out Shania.” He kept his gaze on the woman, appreciating the sparkling eyes and high color.

  “She’s a crossover artist.” Carina flipped the radio off.

  “Crossover?” He hadn’t a clue what she meant.

  “Her music is played on country and pop stations,” Carina explained.

  “Ah. So you listen to pop music?”

  “When I can. My husband only listened to classical and thought that was all that should be played in the house.” She pushed her dark brown hair behind her ear. “He thought my listening to culture would make me more acceptable in his circle.”