Emma's Secret

by A. P. Jensen

  Emma yearned for him. A part of her wanted to let him hold her, but she knew it was only a temporary fix. He wanted her and ‘cared’ for her, but that wasn’t a relationship. He wanted her on the sidelines, where he was comfortable with her, but it would never go beyond that.

  “Does Ben have anything to do with this?”

  “Ben walked away from me when I really needed him. I thought we had a great relationship and it blew up in my face. I don’t want to go through that again.”

  “Why’d he walk away?”

  “He couldn’t support me when my parents died. My parents loved each other. Everyone around them could feel it. This house is filled with it. I see it in Anna and Tommy and Georgina and Leo. I want that. I need that.”

  “You want love,” Peter said without inflection.

  She narrowed burning eyes on him. “I want someone who adores me, someone who will be there for me when it gets rough. Who cares. I don’t want to be in a convenient relationship that leads nowhere.”

  “Why did you stay with me so long, then?” he probed.

  “I thought-” she stopped and then shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “You love me?”

  Anger and despair shot through her. He wouldn’t stop until he’d taken everything from her. She didn’t answer.

  He spread his hands wide. “I’ve trampled on my pride to ask you for another chance. You think I like having you look at me as if you wish I’d leave? All night you pulled away from me like I was a stranger. The least you could do is give me the truth. You owe me that much.”

  “Owe you?” she choked and got to her feet. “We don’t owe each other anything. We’re done.”

  Peter grabbed her face and kissed her. She expected him to be rough and angry, as he’d been before, but the gentleness; the way his hand brushed over her cheek broke her. He kissed her lightly on the lips and brushed kisses over the tears she couldn’t hold back any longer.

  “It’s not finished if you cry for me,” Peter said hoarsely. “You love me, so you break up with me?”

  “I don’t want this,” she said angrily and tried to pull away.

  “You want me so much that you cry and push me away? I don’t understand you at all. What do you want?”

  “I told you!”

  “You want a man here in Bellingham,” he said scornfully. “You don’t want anyone from this town. You want me and I want you.”

  She pulled away and was surprised when he let her go. She wanted to lose herself in him, wanted him so much, her body shook with need but her heart had too many punctures for her to go blindly.

  “I love you,” she whispered, tears coursing silently down her cheeks. “Do you love me?”

  God, this was the hardest question she ever asked anyone. Peter stared at her for several minutes. The sound of the clock ticking was the only sound in the room.

  “I don’t know,” he said finally.

  Emma wiped the tears from her face. “I’d rather live without love then be so close to it and not have it returned.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying you and I are done. I can’t take the risk.”

  His face-hardened and for a moment she thought it was going to be a replay of the last time he left. She tensed, but he didn’t move toward her. He walked to the door and closed it behind him. She listened to the sound of his BMW roar and back out of her drive. Emma let out a mewling sob and sank to her knees. She asked him the scariest question in the world and received her answer. There was no maybe in love. You either were or weren’t. He wasn’t. She was better off alone.

  “What are you doing here?” Anna snapped

  She walked into her kitchen and glared at Peter who sat at the table with Tommy. She had to admit, Peter actually looked human for once. Peter eyed her balefully and took a long pull from his beer.

  “Leave him be,” Tommy told his wife.

  Anna crossed her arms over her chest. “How’s Emma?”

  “By herself, the way she likes it,” Peter rasped.

  Anna was taken aback. “So she managed to push you away.”

  Anna settled on the seat beside Peter and ignored the way he pushed his chair away from her.

  “If you want to make snide remarks, I’ll leave,” Peter said.

  Anna drummed her fingers on the table. Peter nursed his beer, trying to drown his emotions, which rocketed around in him.

  “She didn’t tell him,” Tommy said to his wife.

  Anna gave him a reproachful look. “It’s her business.”

  “Look at him,” Tommy protested. “She’s killing him.”

  “Shut up, Tommy,” Peter growled.

  His gaze fell on a picture on the wall. He rose to get a better look. Emma, her parents, Ben and Anna beamed at the photographer. This was a version of Emma he’d never seen before. The joy on her face kept his eyes riveted on her. Emma wasn’t a melancholy person, but he realized he’d never seen that particular sparkle in her eyes, never seen that smile on her face. His skin prickled.

  “How old is this picture?” Peter asked.

  The silence behind him was thick. He turned and looked at Anna.

  “How long?” he demanded.

  “It’s two years old,” Anna said.

  “How did her parents die?”

  There was a long silence while the married couple communicated with their eyes. Peter waited impatiently.

  “In a car accident,” Anna said slowly.

  Peter glanced at the picture. “Ben knew her parents well.”

  Another silence.

  “He was in the car when they died,” Tommy blurted.

  Peter wheeled around. “What?”

  “Emma was driving,” Anna said, eyes fixed on him. “They went around a curve and a car was stopped in the middle of the road. Emma slammed on the brakes too late. They were rear-ended. Her father died instantly and her mom…” Anna took a swig of Peter’s beer and continued, “Their car was sandwiched between both cars. Emma’s mom didn’t have her seat belt on. She flew out of the car. Emma was hysterical-”

  Tommy rubbed Anna’s back as she clasped her hands around the beer bottle.

  “Ben couldn’t handle what was happening. He walked away and left Emma to deal with the carnage. Ben and Emma were the only survivors. Emma’s mom died in her arms.”

  “The anniversary of her parent’s death is the same week as your one year anniversary. They were engaged too,” Tommy added.

  “Engaged?” Peter choked.

  “Emma and Ben have been together for as long as I can remember. After the accident, Emma couldn’t even look at him. He moved away and he’s never visited until now. I can’t imagine how Emma feels when she sees him,” Anna said.

  Peter remembered the look on Emma’s face when she rushed towards him and jumped into his arms. Her eyes were glassy and she’d been pale as milk. He knew something was wrong, but he expected her to tell him if something was wrong, but she hadn’t. She held onto him so tight and he didn’t have a clue what she was going through. Everything suddenly made sense. Why keep so much from him when she loved him? Peter wanted to bang his head against the wall. When had he ever shown her that he cared?

  “Since the accident, Emma tries not to care for others because she loves so deeply. She expects people to walk away from her, just like you did. She doesn’t ask people to stay; she lets them go so she has time to pull back before going too deep. I don’t think she even realizes she’s doing it.”

  Peter couldn’t stop the blast of fury. “I butchered my pride to go back to her!”

  Anna was unfazed. “Yes, you did. Good for you. I guess the real question is, how much do you want her?”

  CHAPTER NINE

  A week later, Emma drove out of Bellingham. She needed time to regroup and relax. When Emma reached the city, she checked into a hotel and found comfort in the faceless people who didn’t know or care about her. She checked on the bakery, which was doing exceptionally w
ell. She stayed in the back office, examining and adjusting the finances and made time for the employees who needed to talk to her about ideas, vacation and busy times when they needed more coverage. She received a call from Anna around noon.

  “How’s everything there?” she asked.

  “Good. Everything’s in order.”

  “Good. You’re on the eight o’clock ferry tomorrow, right?”

  “Yeah, call me if you need me.”

  “I will,” Anna promised. “Take care.”

  After she closed the bakery, she strolled along the waterfront while a breeze tugged on the ends of her scarf. The sea rocked moodily and she wandered aimlessly, forcing herself out of business mode and into a slower gear. Tomorrow she would ride the ferry to Victoria, British Columbia where she and her parents vacationed in the summers. She looked up at the towering buildings and wondered which one Peter worked in and if he ever walked the streets of Seattle. She doubted it. Emma stopped when she felt the first rain drop splash on her forehead.

  “So Seattle,” she muttered.

  She took refuge in the nearest restaurant, which turned out to be a warm cafe that served great coffee and sandwiches. She sat at a table near the front windows and watched the rain pour down. Tourists scurried while natives pulled tiny umbrellas out of pockets and purses, creating colorful mushrooms everywhere. She ordered a sandwich, soup and tea and nibbled while she let her thoughts drift. It was nice not to have an agenda. She had a month to recoup, exorcise Peter from her heart and put her life into perspective.

  “Mind if I join you?”

  Emma’s head jerked up. She stared nonplussed at Peter who stood in front of her in a black trench coat, hair wet from the rain. Their eyes met and her heart melted and tore. Love, regret and sorrow scraped along her nerves. Her body flooded with heat. Would she be able to see him in the future and not want him?

  “What are you doing here?” she asked.

  He settled into the chair across from her. Their knees bumped beneath the small table and she jerked back.

  He ignored her reaction and said, “I heard you were in the city.”

  “Heard?” she repeated. “I need to talk to Tommy about gossiping.”

  “We’re friends, aren’t we? It was natural for him to mention you’d be here.”

  “Peter.” She didn’t know what to say. Seeing him again brought back all the yearning she didn’t want to feel. She was going on vacation to get over him, not to wonder why she let him go. “I can’t do this.”

  “I’m not going to pressure you about anything. I just wanted to see you.”

  She cocked her head to the side. The anger he displayed at the wedding was gone as if it had never been. She remembered the anger on his face when she told him she wouldn’t take a chance on him. What changed since then?

  He raised a brow. “I want to try being friends.”

  “Friends?” she parroted. This was the last thing she expected from him.

  Heat lit his eyes and her body tingled in reaction.

  “I want you, but as you’re so dead set against us being together, I’ll settle for being friendly.”

  “You’re losing your mind,” she observed.

  “My business partner, Derek thinks so,” Peter said with a shrug and stole one of her French fries. “My place isn’t far from here. Want to see it?”

  She couldn’t stop the small spurt of curiosity, but she didn’t want to encourage his bizarre behavior. He was in a strange mood. He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t happy, he was… placid. It was so unlike him. Like any workaholic, Peter filled every moment of his day with things to do- roaming the city to see a “friend” was definitely out of character.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Emma said.

  “You’re probably right,” he said philosophically. “How’s the bakery doing?”

  “Better than expected.”

  “Whenever an employee has a birthday or we’re celebrating someone’s retirement, we get our cakes from there.”

  Peter took a bite from the other half of her sandwich.

  “Oh,” Emma said, touched. “Thanks.” She knew his influence gave their small bakery much needed advertisement.

  “It’s good,” Peter said with a shrug.

  Emma was at a loss for words, so she looked back at the rainy city. She clasped her hands beneath the table to stop herself from reaching for him.

  “You’re here alone?” Peter asked, finishing off her sandwich.

  “Yes.”

  “Have you seen Ben since the wedding?”

  The question snapped her out of her internal struggle and she refocused. Did she detect an edge in his tone? “No, I haven’t seen him. He knows when I say to leave me alone, I mean it.”

  The look Peter shot her was that of a dominant male. “It depends on the man.”

  “I guess it depends on their history,” Emma said.

  “Care to elaborate?”

  Emma looked away. “No.”

  The tension between them made her shift in her seat. Things left unsaid between them crackled in the silence. Peter finished off what she hadn’t touched and paid the bill. She didn’t fight him, she knew better. By the time they left, the rain turned into a light mist. Peter produced a basic black umbrella. It flared above him and he stood on the sidewalk while raindrops dripped sullenly around him. His eyes were hooded and broody as he waited for her to come to him. When she did, she sensed him relax slightly.

  “What do you think of the city?” he asked.

  Glad for the neutral subject, she said, “I don’t mind Seattle, but I like having my own house, seeing the lake and being in a small town. You love the city, don’t you?”

  “I like the convenience the city offers, but I think I’ve started to outgrow it a bit.”

  “You’re moving?”

  He shrugged. “Not sure if it should be a bigger city or a small town.”

  “You should try to slow down,” Emma said without thinking. “You need to learn how to balance your life.”

  “Is that why you’re going on vacation?”

  She looked up to find him watching her closely. He was too damn close. Pedestrians forced her into closer proximity to him and she could smell his cologne. “I need time to myself.”

  “We all need that.”

  She snorted. “I don’t think you’ve ever been on vacation.”

  “I was on vacation when I met you.”

  “You spent two weeks turning up everywhere I went and bullied me into going on a date. Even that vacation, you turned into a mission.”

  In spite of everything, she felt her heart lift a little. He’d been a welcome distraction. He didn’t give her a chance to grieve her parents that September.

  “Once I got you, I enjoyed my vacation.” Emma rolled her eyes and he continued, “At eighteen, I charted my path. I knew exactly what I wanted, who I wanted to be and how to get there. I never looked back.”

  “You knew what you wanted at eighteen?” Emma thought back to that age. “Anna wanted to be a pastry chef. I didn’t know what I wanted to be so I went to culinary school with her. I wasn’t that great with baking so I decided to do the business side. It’s worked out well.”

  Peter nodded. “You’re doing very well. Thinking of expanding into more bakeries?”

  Emma shrugged. “I think one in town and one in the city is good enough for now. We’re making a good profit and we want to be in control of it, so what we have is fine.”

  They walked into the hotel and up to her room. She turned to him after she opened her door, half expecting him to barge in. He didn’t. They stared at one another for a long minute.

  “If you need anything, call me,” he said and closed the door.

  Emma looked out the peephole and didn’t see a thing. Was Peter playing with her or did he really want to be friends? She stood there for several minutes, sure that he wouldn’t go out of his way to find her and then leave, but she realized he’d done just that. What
was he up to?

  Emma leaned against the rail of the ferry and breathed in the chilly air. I need this break, she thought. From work, from men and from Anna’s worry. People had to move on after loved ones died. She put one foot in front of the other, but she wasn’t really living. She was as much of a workaholic as Peter. She grimaced at the thought. She spent more time at work than she did anywhere else. After the accident, she tried to take a leaf out of her mother’s book. She stopped trying to plan her life and went with the flow, which is how she ended up with Peter. Well, she was going to Victoria so she could relax and figure out what the next step in her life should be.

  Someone came up beside her and leaned on the rail. They were a bit too close for comfort. She sidled sideways and when the person moved just as smoothly, she looked up and her mouth sagged open. Peter stared out at the ocean and didn’t react to the low growl she released.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” she demanded.

  “I thought I’d take a vacation,” he said easily.

  “Then get your own damn ferry!”

  “You knew this wasn’t over between us.”

  So that’s why he didn’t push her yesterday. “You said you just wanted to see me. Now, you’re stalking me?”

  He looked offended. “I’m not stalking you, I’m escorting you.”

  “I don’t need an escort. And since when do you take vacations?”

  “Since my business partner told me to leave until I become human again.” He leaned towards her. “Give it up. I’m coming with you.”

  “I want to be alone.”

  “No, you don’t. We both have time off and we can figure out what we want.”

  “I already know what I want- to be alone!”

  “Just think of it as a concerned friend keeping you company.”

  “I thought we had this conversation last night. We’ve never been just friends.”

  “It’s never too late to start.”

  She put her hands on her hips. “I don’t know who you think you are-”

  “Just shut up, Emma.”

  She slapped her hands on the metal railing. “You realize I’ve seen you more in the past two months than I normally would in six?”