tmp_f59497a75d8ceb820dc0aeddc2b436a0_SyoNZl.fixed.tidied

by Regolith (mobi)

  “Bush follows the Bible until it gets to Jesus. He apparently wants to put the poor through hell before Jesus takes them to Heaven. He believes he is infallible, which is really pissing off the new pope. When Bush talks to God, it’s prayer; when God talks to Bush, it’s policy. The most unpopular president in polling history is responsible for enough disasters to qualify for scripture. Unlike Carter and Clinton, Mr. Self-Righteous isn’t even a regular church-goer. He may not follow the Commandments, but at least he’s good at the plagues. Bush believes that we are all descended from cavemen who rode dinosaurs to church 4000 years ago. It’s no surprise that a guy who cannot spell ‘DNA’ does not accept evolution. Bush does not believe in Darwinism, but he does believe in survival of the richest. He’s against gay marriage, but sodomizing reality is okay. Bush may be dumb, but he wasn’t reborn yesterday.

  “Hindsight is 20/20. Or, if you’re Bush, 20/50. He is so two-faced he speaks of himself in the fourth person. Bush has sold out America so often he has his own EBay page. Unlike Pinocchio, whenever Bush lies, the deficit gets bigger. His lies have made his mouth so big it needs feng shui. America hasn’t stunk this much since millions of buffalo roamed the Great Plains.

  “Karl Rove thought Bush would make a great president. Frankenstein also looked great in the lab. It wasn’t until they were field tested that their defects turned them into monsters. Bush is proof that being ordinary doesn’t make you normal. Bush’s insistence on wearing ideological blinders makes him look like a horse’s ass. For those of you familiar with George Orwell’s book, Animal Farm -- Bush is the jackass. For his entire second term, Bush has been a lame duck – and for those of you in the back, I said ‘duck’ with a ‘D’.

  “Last Thanksgiving, Bush pardoned two turkeys, Rumsfeld and Cheney. Dick, Bush, Rove, Candi, Scooter, and Rummy are either running the country or starring in a porn movie. Bush rewards incompetency like the military rewards heroism. Iraq, Afghanistan, New Orleans -- for a president who likes to kill people, he sure doesn’t execute well. Bush is so divorced from reality it’s possible they never consummated the relationship in the first place. If only the military had Humvees as impenetrable as Bush’s head.

  “Have you seen the latest poll numbers? Most Americans thinks Bush sucks more than Dick. If you think Bush stinks, then you just know Dick sucks. No Republican in history has had negative approval ratings longer than Bush – he’s been underwater longer than the Titanic. Bush spent his entire second term with negative approval ratings. A recent poll showed that 30% of Americans disapprove of Bush violating international law, while 70% disapprove of him violating domestic law. His disapproval rating went from 6%, after he failed to stop the largest attack on continental America in two centuries, to a record 76%, beating Nixon at the peak of Watergate.

  No joke: when he left office, the only Americans who approved of Bush watched Fox News.

  “Cheney’s Bitch is so unpopular his advisers wanted to boost his numbers by putting him in a Paris Hilton sex tape. The most oblivious president in history hasn’t fallen this hard since his last bike ride. He cannot balance the budget or trade deficits -- no wonder he can’t ride a bike. Republicans are jumping off the bandwagon as if they’ve spotted a Bible sale. So many Republicans have abandoned Bush that Angelina Jolie considered adopting him. The press smells so much blood they’re snorting it.

  “The old drunk stopped going to his AA meetings because trying to remember ten steps made him want to drink. Bush, an acknowledged alcoholic, switched from JD to BS when he entered politics, and has been drunk on power ever since. And Bush proved that nobody does denial like a delusional alcoholic ideologue. And he hasn’t veered left since he last got caught drunk driving when in his 30s. He has failed so many moral, ethical, and character litmus tests, it’s a wonder he can still pass gas. Lincoln said power is the ultimate character test, and no one fails such tests more than the Worst President Ever. Bush reminds me of Frankenstein – a poorly built monster with someone else’s brain who destroys everything around him in a mad rampage for total domination. His mind has been parked in denial for so long the Secret Service thinks it’s been lo-jacked. Unlike most of you, I don’t think Bush suffers from insanity -- I think he enjoys every minute of it. Unfortunately, crazy is not all that it’s cracked up to be. Have you noticed how our freeways are more congested since Bush started pushing his ‘my-way-or-the-highway’ politics?

  “Clueless George has spent more time on vacation than any president in history. My momma always told me to never trust a rancher who doesn’t ride horses, doesn’t have cattle, yet insists he runs a ranch. The only thing that Bush raises on his ranch is our impatience. Bush killed almost as much time as president as Muslims. And it is not ‘swagger’ when the vice-president’s hand is that far up your ass.

  “Cheney called the new Miss America a traitor – apparently she wished for world peace. Cheney’s speeches are so wooden that he attracts tree-huggers. His standard stump speech has given off so many death rattles that his speech writers want to embalm it. Cheney stoops so low he looks ready to crawl. Cheney has told so many white lies that his tongue comes with snow chains. Even his smirk is far to the right. Cheney has more charisma than a rock, but less than a tree. His Secret Service code-name is ‘Septic’ because he’s always full of shit. Did he really shoot his friend in the face after drinking too much? It sounds like a gay cowboy movie to me. I’ve seen lots of guys who were shit-faced – just never literally. Bush and Cheney have three DUIs between them -- no wonder they drove the economy into a drunken stupor.

  “Cheney received tens of millions in Halliburton stock options – who says no one won the war in Iraq? Only Republicans would make their biggest national security authority a guy with five draft deferments during Vietnam. When told most Americans oppose the brutal occupation of Iraq, Dick replied, “So?” No wonder most Americans want to smack the smirk off his face.

  “Cheney was so unpopular that Bush almost replaced him when running for re-election. His campaign slogan was going to be, ‘Ain’t Got Dick.’ Since the Republican ticket had a dick and an asshole, they had to contrast themselves by calling the Democratic ticket a couple of pussies. Cheney is a dick and Bush an asshole because they’re both so afraid of looking like pussies.

  “The most intrusive president in history is willing to torture, spy, and wiretap Americans to keep America safe, but he draws the line at reading NSA memos, helping first responders communicate, and keeping American ports out of the control of al-Qaeda’s bankers. It’s now come full circle: Lincoln freed all enslaved Americans while Bush is enslaving all free Americans, one signing statement at a time. W is not promoting our freedoms overseas, he is outsourcing them.

  “Someone needs to explain to the most lawbreaking president in history that he did not put his hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible, but put his hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution.

  “The least accountable president in history is so far above the law that NASA wants him to carry supplies to the Space Station. Bush is a star in the Republican Party because he is a massive ball of gas that heats everything around him to extremes, and who will eventually collapse upon himself before going nuclear. The only Republican interest in space concerns how far to launch the deficit into orbit. The only thing that Republicans have in common with the space station is that they are both in perpetual freefall. Gravity can bend light, warp space, and slow time, while Republicans can bend laws, warp principals, and slow investigations. Bush is denser than a neutron star, dimmer than a brown dwarf, and more destructive than a supernova. Democrats are from Earth, but Republicans are from Uranus, which is why their policies are so shitty.

  “Bush’s lies have become so massive that they are warping space. Dubya is so dense he bends light. Scientists are now measuring the distance between Bush and reality in terms of light years. Not even astronomers can figure out just what planet this idiot is living on. He thinks black hole is a golf term, supers
trings are for fishing, and parallax is a cleanser. Bush says that global warming is not yet scientifically established, which is exactly what the Republicans on Venus once said. Do you know why Bush likes Mars? There are no trees, no clean water, and the air is poisonous -- it’s like Earth after thirty more years of Republican rule. But, hey, if you’re just killing time and Muslims waiting for the Rapture, why not make our national forests horizontal?

  “Bush fought a war on poverty – and the poor lost. Unlike Bill Clinton, Bush is the Unempathizer: he can’t feel you, much less your pain. His borrow-and-squander economic plan has so many minuses that economists started using the division sign. Bush, the biggest spending president in American history, proved that “you get what you pay for” doesn’t apply to Republicans.

  Bush entered office with a $5.6 trillion projected surplus and left office with a $8.8 trillion projected deficit. W added more debt than every previous president combined. While President Clinton took the biggest deficit in American history and turned it into the biggest surplus, Bush took the biggest surplus and turned it into the biggest deficit. While the S&P 500 tripled under President Clinton, it actually lost money under Bush. The Dow fell from nearly 11,000 in 2000 to 6500 right after Bush left office. While President Clinton reduced the national debt for eight straight years, Bush added to it for eight straight years. Bush is the only president in history to watch two recessions start under his watch.

  “The economy is deteriorating so fast that voters are feeling worse off than they were four hours ago. The dollar lost half of its value to the Euro under Bush. If the dollar gets any weaker, we’ll have to peg it to the peso. Bush thinks we should strengthen the dollar by making it two-ply. W has made the Misery Index depressing. No wonder Bush says the problem with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur.

  “Republicans have turned general prosperity under President Clinton into major pain, private suffering, and corporal punishment under Bush. Bush has added $20 trillion in unfunded liabilities to the federal balance sheet and his deficits cost taxpayers $400 billion a year just in interest alone. For a guy who says he quit drinking, Bush sure knows how to run up a tab.

  “The most delusional president in history may not have a complete monopoly on presidential incompetence, but he sure has cornered a lot of market share. There is so much oil in Texas that any competent oilman could find some. Bush was not that oilman. Apparently the three companies that Bush bankrupted were just practice for the big finale. It’s ironic that an oilman like Bush would generate so little electricity despite being so full of gas. Bush increased America’s dependence on oil while Democrats tried to end it. Bush proves that you don’t have to be stupid to be an idiot. And why is Bush so weak? Because knowledge is power. For a guy lousy at math, Bush sure is good at compounding problems, dividing Americans, and multiplying debt.

  “The most destructive president in history makes slow decisions because he first waits for the check to clear. He gutted the Clean Air Act so much we might as well call it the Republican Retirement Fund. Republicans have so many convictions because Bush hired more felons than any president in history. Just ask the nine federal prosecutors that Bush fired for not harassing Democrats. Mr. Uniter gets too little credit because he takes too much cash. Bush oozes integrity, which is why he has none left. Cheney eventually plugged the leak with his fist. Bush passes more bucks than an ATM machine. Thanks to Bush, the words ‘Republican’ and ‘competent’ are used less often in the same sentence than ‘sex’ and ‘gerbil’. Bush spent one-fifth of his presidency on his 1600-acre ranch because he needed that much time and space to bury all of his lies and bullshit. The Rose Garden proved waaaaay too small.

  “Bush governs like Big Oil pays him by the pollutant. He is the best president that the worst polluters can buy. The Bush White House is so polluted that we will need a SuperFund to clean it up. If you think your sex is dirty, try sleeping with Big Oil. Bush Sr. got $50 million for his presidential library as soon as Bush Jr. let Big Oil secretly write our national energy policy. Bush has pocketed so much oil money that his pants leak. He dines on so much pork, he’s turned into the Chitlin-in-Chief. Bush is so crooked that he makes Nixon look straight. Bush is not Reagan’s political heir, but Nixon’s, and you remember what we had to do to get rid of that dirty bastard. Bush is in bed with so many rich white guys that the First Lady must be scrutinizing their Pre-Nup. Bush’s knee-jerk reaction when a Big Polluter enters the Oval Office is to hold out his hand and pull down his pants. A president should bend backwards for his supporters, not bend forwards. If you judged Bush on his record, you’d swear he ruled Saudi Arabia. Bush would sell his soul if only he had one. Giving dirty donations to Republicans is like giving Viagra to sex offenders.

  “Incompetence kills. That’s why dangerously incompetent Republicans are better at creating disasters than relieving them. That’s why Democrats never wanted to go into Iraq and Republicans never want to get out. Competent Republicans are disappearing faster than glaciers. Take Hurricane Katrina, the most predicted natural disaster in history: the Oval Office hasn’t had such a leadership vacuum since Hoover. Republican President Hoover was so despised for not doing more during the Great Depression that when he asked his Treasury Secretary for a nickel to call a friend, he was given a dime and told to call them both.

  “Nero fiddled while Rome burned, and Bush played air guitar while New Orleans flooded. Celebrating John McCain’s birthday was more important than saving drowning blacks in New Orleans. At least when Clinton got caught with his pants down, there were not thousands of trapped Americans dying on CNN. Bush hasn’t been this responsible for so many black deaths since the last time he ignored genocide in Africa. Bush does not have a sixth sense, which must be why he can’t see dead people.

  “The federal response to Hurricane Katrina was so slow that FEMA won American Idle. Bush’s political hacks at FEMA had such padded resumes that first responders used them to fill sandbags. Bush is rolling and rocking. He flies like a bee and stings like a butterfly. He is kicking names and taking ass.

  “Supporters say that Bush is not to blame for the slow federal response to Hurricane Katrina. He was, after all, on vacation for several weeks. Who would have guessed that Bush’s Waterloo would turn out to be water in a loo? Bush will cut vacations short in order to keep a brain-dead woman alive against her wishes, but he draws the line at thousands of Americans starving in a stadium.

  “Hurricane Katrina got rid of so many Democratic voters that Republicans have started calling her Kathleen Harris. New Orleans had such little electricity, drinking water, and so many dead bodies that the National Guard started shooting reporters, thinking they were still in Baghdad. Do you remember rats eating the corpses of dead blacks as they floated in the flooded streets of New Orleans? Well, it turns out that those little fuckers were Republicans, feeding off of the poor. Forget FUBAR – Iraq has been FEMA’ed.

  “Mother Nature stuck her boot so far up Bush’s ass that she kicked Dick Cheney’s hand. Republicans have come up with a bold visionary plan to re-imagine New Orleans. They call their plan, ‘Venice.’ But don’t blame Republicans for being anti-government – if I was that incompetent governing, I’d be anti-government, too.

  “The old Orleans was the old Bush: wild, reckless, foolish, and drunk. The new Orleans is the new Bush: swamped, oil-based, eerily detached, polluted, a shell of his former self, and practically dead inside. If it weren’t for George Bush voodoo dolls, New Orleans wouldn’t have any economic activity.

  “Bush is slicker than an oil spill and twice as hard to clean up. When his mama told him that honesty was the best policy, he asked what the worst policy was. He has enough egg on his face to make an omelet. He is a serial failure. He loses more often than a Vegas tourist. Even St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, looks at Bush and thinks, what the fuck?

  “America and Iraq fought a war and Iran won. Have you seen Iraq lately? Bush hasn’t choked this much since hi
s last pretzel. Bush will sodomize Iraq until it becomes pregnant with democracy. Osama says he attacked on 9/11 to bankrupt America and kick the American military out of Saudi Arabia, so Bush closed our Saudi military bases while bankrupting America with trillions to the elite superrich, trillions for the occupation of Iraq, and trillions more to reckless Wall Street bankers. The only thing Bush gave the rest of us were excuses.

  Bush started history’s most expensive war by arguing that it would pay for itself. Like that trillion dollar tax cut for the mega-rich. But that’s what happens when you shoot first and aim later. The worst commander-in-chief in history still hasn’t realized that if the invasion of Iraq has not made America safer, then our heroes there died in vain. And since his own state department reports that terrorist attacks outside of Iraq have multiplied since the invasion, it’s hard to see how America has become safer. Bush has spilled enough blood to flood New Orleans.