Mind and Flesh

by 8Loki

  I notice that I have been silent for a while. It seems like she ordered a new glass of vodka while I was lost in my thoughts. She is so tipsy she doesn’t realize that she should stop. “I agree, most kids are just awful. So what else did you do in the forest?”

  She suddenly freezes and looks at me deeply. I know exactly why. Some minor stuff happened in the forest. Not so innocent brother-sister bonding. She doesn’t know if I told my wife anything about it, so she doesn’t know what to answer. Or maybe she didn’t remember until know?

  “Oh, nothing out of the ordinary,” she replies with a crooked smile. “We just explored and discovered nature.”

  Aha, right on.

  “Did he ever tell you why how he became so freaked out by insects?” she asks, most likely trying to change topic.

  I don’t want her to tell about that.

  “Yes, he told me.”

  “Poor thing. I had to get him out of that mess, see. I was pretty shaken myself. Never went looking for insects again after he fell in that old burrow. At first he wanted to be a vet, you know. Not anymore. Then he kept hard pressing the parents to get a telescope. Safer, see. No more adventures. That was quite a bummer to me, honestly. Didn’t have so much fun. I think I resented him a lot at that time, and was colder to him. I regret this…”

  Me too…

  “For a while, he wanted to become an astronaut,” she continues. “To evade humans and insects, he figured he should live in the emptiness and calm of space. Only, his didn’t really like physics and equations. Then he wanted to understand why humans are so mean to each other, and he got interested into psychology and neurology. He was thinking that psychology was too superficial to understand the brain at its base level. He was more into hard science than statistical studies, he said. He wanted to see directly how a brain worked. He ended up in neuroscience, and you know the rest.”

  “Yes.”

  “I miss him so much. We weren’t so close in the past years, and now I feel like this time got wasted. I regret that we drifted apart and were more distant than we were as kids…”

  “I…,” Perhaps I should tell her the truth, that it is me. That we can be closer now. That she is the only person that I care about. No, I can’t. I don’t know if she could deal with the whole situation, also me being a murderer, if she would believe me or not… Moreover, what if someone learns that I told her? It would put us both at risk. I look around, imagining each and every person as a spy trying to eavesdrop. The feeling unsettles me as I notice I didn’t finish my sentence. The words leave my mind unchecked, “…like you”. Why did I say that now! I blush.

  She stops moving and looks at me intently. She is gauging me.

  “I like you too,” she says softly, “How about we meet up another day, go dancing or something?” She then lowers her gaze, as if she was ashamed by what she just said.

  “S… sure.”

  Shit, what is happening. I look down in embarrassment as well. I feel that my face is completely red from blushing. My heart beats like crazy.

  We pay the bill, I awkwardly say goodbye and I leave the bar as fast as I can without running.

  ***

  I feel great. Light as a feather. I have hope. Hope that I can have an affair with my sister. She did not explicitly say so, but she definitively implied it. I have had that dream in the back of my mind since many many years… And I only fully realize it now.

  As I know her, she could have been more direct. From what she once told me, I know she fancied my wife. Furthermore, she is strong and does not let bad situations affect her much. Perhaps she felt like she should take it slow for my sake.

  In any case, this is really promising! And exciting.

  I load up my computer. Dozens of icons related to software I use for work greet me. I will need to clear all of that and find a new job at some point… I launch my web browser and look for a porn website. I have not done that in a long while. My wife used to think that watching porn was like cheating on her. She said that it made her feel as if she was not attractive enough, that I had to find an alternative to get excited. I did not agree with her, but her sex drive was high enough to satisfy my needs so I did not complain and just watched while she was away then cleared my browser history. If I had complained it would have let to tensions, such as the situation with the rabbits…

  On the website I can see the thumbnails of different videos. One of the girls displayed catches my interest, and I click to launch the video.

  She is stripping. She moves her bra around while expertly avoiding revealing her nipples for as long as possible. She compresses her breasts to show her cleavage off, forming nice and pulpous round shapes. Then, softly, she lets the bra slip down and her nipples appear. I feel that I am getting wet down in my pants.

  The camera then shifts to a man that was looking through her window. She sees him, smiles and opens the window, allowing her to see that he was masturbating to her. She then invites him inside. This is just ridiculous. Why would anyone invite such a creepy stalker inside? Oh well, this is just a pretext for porn, I shouldn’t care. The porn actress removes the pants of the actor and starts to suck his dick. I am really excited to see his big erect cock and anticipate seeing it ram her pussy. I feel a need to lower my hand and play with myself. With my free hand, I unzip my pants and lower them to facilitate access. The actor ruthlessly pushes her against a wall, forcefully makes her bend down, lowers her miniskirt and panties, and then starts to finger her vigorously. I don’t have the impression that she is much wet. I wonder if this hurts her or not. He slaps her hard on the butt cheeks, then swiftly introduces his penis in her vagina.

  At that very moment, I imagine myself in her stead, receiving his dick in my open pussy. I insert two fingers that I move back and forth to the same rhythm as the couple in the video, imagining that he is doing me. Pleasure overwhelms my senses and after one or two minutes I experience the ecstasy of coming. I close the video but lazily keep my hand in my pants, breathing loudly.

  And then I feel awful. Did I just get excited by that guy’s penis? That is so gay! This never happened to me before, I am not gay. I am confused. Why did that just happen? Shouldn’t my neuronal connections be wired to my old sexual identity? Shouldn’t my sexual tastes have been transferred to my new brain and boy?

  Except that… I did not replace the autonomic nervous system, the regions of the brain that control many organs without relying on consciousness. I did not write over that part because I knew some of her organs and hormonal secretions would be different from my own body, and replacing these connections by mine would create a discrepancy with the female body… I think that I remember having read somewhere that sexual arousal involves the hypothalamus, and that there also are some anatomical differences in the brain that reflect sexual orientation. So… anatomical differences and autonomic nervous system that I inherited from my wife… Therefore I am now more or less bisexual, considering that my wife did like women to some extent but preferred men. Great. Well in any case, I am very circumspect about this. I do not want to this body to choose for me. I will not seek men, I will keep to women. And more precisely, that one woman on my radar… I just hope that this body will not let me down if things start to get hot with her.

  ***

  I enter the club that my sister proposed to meet at. I glance over the bar area right after the entrance. Numerous tables are positioned along it. Everything is wooden and looks cozy. Around the tables, most seats are taken. People sitting there are mostly groups that range from their twenties to their thirties. To the left a dance floor extends, the first half features spaced out wooden pillars with stands for drinks, and the second half is an open space that ends with a small scene currently occupied by a DJ wearing sunglasses. All along the dance floor different groups are more or less moving to the music and flashing lights.

  She said in her last text to meet at the bar, so I walk the whole length of it while scanning the faces around. I don’t see her there, so
I choose one of the rare empty spots left and sit on a stool next to the counter. One of the bartenders sees me sitting and instantly comes to take my order.

  I do not feel like drinking before she comes, but I do not want to awkwardly sit here doing nothing while bartenders look at me scornfully. So I order a blonde beer that I decide to sip slowly. The bartender that served me then moves away to attend to other customers, and I wait nervously while my legs replicate the beat of the music.

  “Miss!”

  I take my first sip and taste the bitterness of the beer.

  “Hey! Miss!”

  Miss? That could be me. Is someone addressing me? The voice came from behind me.

  “Miss!”

  I turn around and face a man younger than me, with very short dyed blond hair. He is looking at me, smiling.

  “Yes?” I ask.

  “You look very pretty, miss,” he answers with a smile extending up to his ears, his grinning teeth flashing white in the middle of it.

  Being said that by another guy feels very awkward to me. It has never happened before. Indeed, my wife is very good looking. If he says that to me, at least it means I didn’t completely mess up the make-up part. Or I messed it up and it is just his pick-up line.

  “Thank you,” I reply uncertainly.

  I turn around and look straight into my beer. Then sip it again. I still feel observed. Why won’t he look away? Creep.

  “Miss?”

  Shit. How do I politely ask him to leave me alone?

  “Miss?”

  “What?” I finally reply.

  “Me and my pal here,” he jerks his head to his side, where another man with the same haircut is smiling at me, “we are from the military base.”

  “Good for you.” I ty to put as much contempt as possible in my words, hoping it will put him off.

  “We defend civilians like you against the bad guys of the world. We fight for justice and freedom.” He didn’t seem to care about my intonation.

  “We are pretty much very bad-ass,” adds the second one.

  They look at me, waiting for a reaction, still smiling broadly. I just want to cut short the conversation, but I don’t really dare answer bluntly that I am not interested.

  “Ok,” I reply. This was the best I could quickly come up with.

  “We are on permission for the evening,” continues the first one, “would you like to… dance… with us?”

  “Not really, thank you.”

  “Come on, it will be fun! You are gonna love it!”

  “I am waiting for someone,” I reply. Hopefully, letting them know that I have an engagement with someone else will put them off. However, their smile is not tarnished by this news.

  “Oh, whoever that someone is, he doesn’t stand a chance against real men like us,” says the first one.

  “Yeah buddy,” follows the second one, “we are not just mere puny men, we are heroes. You can’t find better than us.”

  “Well, that is a matter of taste.” And then I finally muster some courage, “Please leave me alone.”

  “My my, ain’t she playing hard to get?”

  “Yeah buddy, totally, she is. Hey, miss, I know you want a piece of us. And we want a piece of you. This is even your duty as a patriot, to honor your protectors in need.”

  I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I reach for it, grateful for a way out of the conversation. My sister texted. “Hey, sorry I have to cancel. I am stuck at work, a girl committed suicide and I have to deal with the situation. Until now I was with her family so I couldn’t text any sooner. I hope you will forgive me.”

  Shit. I have nothing left to do here, and these sleazy guys are really pissing me off. I address the two of them “It was nice to meet you guys, but I have to leave now. Sorry, goodbye.”

  I get up from the stool and move in the direction of the exit, feeling their gaze upon my back. Why couldn’t they leave me alone when they saw that I was not interested, and then clearly said it? Stupid arrogant fucks. I want to get away from this place as quickly as possible. I reach the exit, step out, close my eyes and exhale deeply to calm my nerves.

  Oh well, time to go home. I turn on my feet and start walking. There is noise behind m-

  BAM

  AAAAAaahhh my head! Forcefully rammed into a car! IT HURTS….

  The pain. I am confused. Can’t see what is happening.

  Someone is dragging me.

  I try to resist, I move my limbs in every direction. I think I hit someone.

  “STOP THAT, BITCH!”

  Who is there? I try to make out my surroundings.

  The two guys from before are dragging me on the street. I scream “HEL-“

  Pain. They slapped my face.

  “SHUT UP BITCH!”

  I feel dizzy. I am confused again. I don’t understand what is happening.

  My body hits a bump. I am carried inside a dark place. I hear a metallic door closing. A car door maybe. The place is bigger than a car. Maybe a van. It is soft under my back. Bed sheets.

  One of them pins me down with the strength of his body.

  He licks my face. WHAT THE FUCK! THIS IS DIGUSTING!

  I scream and try to struggle.

  He slaps me. Pain.

  He laughs. This makes me feel even more disgusted.

  The other ones bends my wrists and forces my arms immobile. It fucking hurts.

  “You chose this for yourself, bitch. If you had not rejected us, we would have spent a very enjoyable moment together. Now, you are gonna do your duty to serve the country in a more unpleasant way.”

  “Unpleasant for you, buddy,” continues the second one, “but we are gonna get a lot of fun.”

  Shit shit shit, these monsters are going to rape me, aren’t they? But… no… they can’t!

  “I am a man!” I scream.

  They freeze for a moment, looking at me in the shadows, their face very close to mine. Then they laugh.

  “Ahaha we never had that one! This is the first we hear that shit!”

  The other one slides his hand to my crotch. He touches my genitals through the clothes.

  “There is nothing here. You are a lady alright.”

  “I… no…” I try to articulate.

  “Those trousers mold your ass perfectly, but it would have been more practical if you were wearing a dress or a skirt, bitch.”

  As he said that, he savagely unzips my pants and starts to pull them down.

  “NO!” I scream.

  “SHUT UP!” Another slap.

  “This one needs to be gagged.”

  “I’m on it pal,” replies the other one.

  The first one maintains my head in his grip while the second one wraps a piece of cloth around my mouth. The cloth feels like it has already been torn and chewed on a lot.

  I try to struggle. They slap me again.

  I can’t take it anymore. Too much pain. Too much confusion.

  My pants are gone. They tear my panties apart.

  “I will go first,” says one of the two, “hitting her already gave me a hard-on.”

  “Fuck you! I wanted to be first!”

  “You went first on the last one anyway, buddy.”

  “Yeah ok, fair enough. Be quick buddy, my balls are full and ready to burst.”

  The one that said he would go first unzips his pants and I can make out the shape of his penis in the shadows. I try to roll away but he locks me between his legs while the other one grips me with force to keep me in place.

  The penis brutally enters my vagina. It hurts.

  I feel sick. He groans.

  This is hell. I can’t take it.

  The other one laughs.

  My head is spinning.

  I want to leave. I want to escape. Not anymore. This is too much.

  He moves back and forth while moaning heavily. I feel his penis forcing my vagina to stretch at each repeated movement.

  Pain. So much pain.

  And also… pleasure? Why?


  Not pleasure in my head. Just some basic pleasure from the flesh rubbing against the flesh. Disgusting pleasure. And pain. What the fuck. This is horrible. Why is it happening. Fuck.

  My eyes are moist. I am crying.

  I don’t understand what is happening to me. I want to die. This is too much. Contradictory signals come to my brain.

  I want to shut my mind off. Leave this place. Stop thinking. Stop hurting.

  “Aaaaaaahhhh…..” He lets out a moan of pleasure.

  “Fuck, did you come inside?” asks the other one.

  “Shut up pal. Yeah I did.”

  “That’s disgusting, man! I am gonna put my dick in here!”

  “Fuck you. You will thank me once you are inside, buddy. The bitch is barely juicy.”

  “Asshole. I’ll go first on the next girl.”

  The first guy removes his penis from my vagina. I feel a disgusting liquid pouring out and dripping between my legs.

  The second guy takes my panties and soaks them up with the sperm between my legs, then throws them in a corner.

  I feel like I am nothing but spectating now. In a daze.

  He enters me with an air of disgust. As if to distract himself from the sperm of his friend, he opens my shirt, tearing off the buttons. He pushes my bra upwards then grabs my breasts.

  He rams me back and forth. The sperm is lubricating my vagina, so it is less painful than the first one.

  There is still some pleasure. I still feel disgusted by everything happening. I probably puked a bit, I don’t know. Everything is distant. My face is numb. My whole body is numb. I just look at the roof of the van. My view twitches as I get rammed. I am just waiting for it to end, defeated.

  “Fuck, it’s sliding too much, I don’t feel anything. I can’t come.”

  “Well, get in her ass, genius.”

  “Ah yeah, right, asshole.”

  They laugh.

  He removes his penis from my vagina.

  He puts some cloth under my back. My lower body is aimed higher.