A Little Ray of Sunshine_A Christian Romance

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  Shortly after that, there was a mass exodus with Tristan rounding up the teens to drop them at school before he went to work. Maya was also catching a ride with him while Gabe was apparently off to the gym. Gabe offered to take Ryan with him, but he declined.

  He had to talk to the doctor, plus he wanted to talk with Hannah if he had the chance. Once everyone that had to leave for the day had left, silence descended on the house. Ryan got up and retrieved the coffee pot, bringing it over to the table to freshen his cup and those of his parents.

  “We’re heading into Costco shortly,” his dad said. “Is there anything specific you’d like us to get? Anything you’re craving?”

  Hannah shook her head, and after a moment’s consideration, Ryan did as well. “Anything you cook tastes good to me.”

  His mom smiled and patted him on the cheek as she walked by. When she started cleaning up, Ryan said, “Leave that, Mom. I’ll take care of clean up.”

  She turned to look at him, her brow furrowed. “Are you sure?”

  “Definitely.”

  “I’ll help him,” Hannah said.

  “Okay, then I’ll finish up my list, and we can go,” his mom said.

  As she sat at the table with his dad, talking about what they needed, Hannah helped Ryan clear off the dishes. They worked together, putting away food and filling the dishwasher. After Ryan had started it, they did the rest of the dishes by hand with Hannah washing and Ryan drying and putting away.

  His folks left just as they were finishing up, and once they were alone, Ryan decided to take the opportunity to talk with Hannah. “Are you doing alright?”

  She looked up from where she’d been wiping the counter. Their gazes met for a moment before she turned her attention back to the cloth she held. “Yeah, I’m doing okay. Still adjusting…to so many things.”

  “Are you sure?” He hesitated, not wanting to push too hard but needing to know she was okay. “I can’t help feeling like you’re struggling. And I don’t know with what or how to help you.”

  Her hands stilled for a moment before she resumed wiping the island counter. “If I am struggling with anything, it’s not up to you to help me. I hope you know I don’t expect that of you. I mean, you’ve already done so much for me and Jason.” She paused then said, “I had things I struggled with before I was ever kidnapped. Things that, for a time, didn’t seem to matter. Coming back to Canada has brought some of those issues to the surface again, but I’ll deal with them just like I did before I was kidnapped.”

  “I just don’t want you to feel that you have to face your struggles on your own,” Ryan told her, a bit frustrated that she wouldn’t confide in him. Usually people were more than happy to talk to him. And now, here was the one person he wanted to share with him, and she was turning down his offer to listen. “We’ve all had a variety of struggles, so I’m sure one of us could understand where you’re coming from.”

  The smile she gave him seemed to be in equal parts sad and indulgent, like sure, he could say that, but she knew better. And as he thought about it, he realized he was being arrogant in thinking otherwise. He didn’t know everything about her. He knew bits and pieces of her past, but aside from having an idea of what she’d gone through over the past year or so, he really didn’t know much else beyond the surface information she’d given him.

  One thing that lingered in the back of his mind was that while he understood why she had no family, he didn’t understand why it seemed she had no friends. Didn’t everyone have at least one friend? Even Marcus—dour and reserved as he could be—counted Alex as his best friend.

  Clearly, Hannah was a caring person. She’d chosen a profession that required her to care for others, and she’d gone to Afghanistan to help people. So while he didn’t find it odd that she didn’t have a huge circle of friends, he would have thought she’d have at least one or two she’d have wanted to contact once she was released.

  Maybe the best way to find out why was to ask. “Why don’t you have any friends?”

  At his question, her movements stopped, and he saw her knuckles go white as she gripped the dishcloth. Even though he could only see her profile, he clearly saw her frown. When she resumed her movements, they were not as smooth as they’d been a moment earlier.

  “Not everyone is destined to be surrounded by a large group of friends and family.”

  “Did you have a couple of friends that you contacted when we got back? Do they want to visit you? Because if so, feel free to invite them to come see you. We’ve lots of room here.”

  “No. There’s no one I want to come visit.”

  Ryan thought about backing off, but he had a feeling that part of what she was dealing with now stemmed from her non-existent support system. No one could be an island totally on their own. Could they?

  “You don’t have anyone at all you’d like to see?”

  Hannah didn’t want to tell him anything about the lack of people in her life, but maybe he needed to know so he’d stop pressuring her to talk about why there were no friends clamoring to make sure she was okay.

  Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to relax her grip on the damp cloth she held. As she continued to make circles on the counter, she tried to figure out how to condense so many years of her life into the fewest words possible.

  “I realized that friendships weren’t meant for me back when I was about six years old. I was in my first foster home and had actually made a couple of friends. They were two other little girls—one who was the daughter of the foster parents and the other was also a foster child like me.” Hannah took the cloth to the sink and held it under the water before wringing it out. She returned to the counter to wipe up more syrup and pancake crumbs. “I hadn’t had any friends up until that point. My mom had claimed to be homeschooling me, so I didn’t have the opportunity to make friends at school.

  “So finally, I had these two friends, and it was great. We did so much together, both at school and at home. But then my mom decided that she wanted me back, and she somehow managed to jump through the necessary hoops in order for CFS to reunify our family—such as it was. I was jerked away from my two friends, and it was…horrible. Maybe I could have made new friends at the school I ended up in, but my mom never let me go to anyone’s house, and certainly no one was coming to our apartment.

  “That began a cycle that convinced me it was just better not to get attached to anyone. I’d go into foster care for a bit, and then back to my mom’s. Then back into care. I was picked on a lot because my clothes didn’t fit right and were often dirty. In my teens, I quickly realized that there were people—men—who paid me more attention than they should have. Being with my mom wasn’t safe, and, with few exceptions, neither were the foster homes I ended up in.”

  Ryan’s expression darkened as his brows drew together. “Were you hurt? Assaulted?”

  “No, not really. Not like…Afghanistan, anyway. But for me, it was just one more reason to steer clear of people.”

  “But what about university? Work? Church?”

  “I was pretty focused during university, and while I had acquaintances, I certainly didn’t have the time to build deeper friendships. Then the places where I worked seemed to be made up of people who had established friendship circles outside of work. They were friendly enough when we worked together, but it was never anything more.”

  “And church? That’s always been a good place to find friends.”

  Hannah shrugged. “To continue the theme of not being noticed, I attended a large church, and while I went to the services each week, my schedule didn’t really allow for getting too involved otherwise.”

  “And the people you worked with in the mission?”

  She thought back to the time she’d spent at the refugee camp. “They were probably as close to friends as I’ve ever had, but I hadn’t been there all that long before I was kidnapped. Not long enough to build deep friendships anyway.”

  “I find it hard to believe that conside
ring how loving and caring you are, more people aren’t befriending you,” Ryan said.

  Hannah rinsed the cloth out and draped it over the tap. “It isn’t that people haven’t tried. I just wasn’t sure that I had the emotional energy to deal with building a friendship, only to have it fall apart.”

  “Not all friendships are destined to fall apart, even with distance,” Ryan said as he leaned a hip against the counter. “Some friendships have survived and even thrived despite distance keeping people apart.”

  Hannah wasn’t going to argue with him. If he couldn’t figure out what she was trying to explain about herself, she wasn’t going to spell it out. She’d answered his questions. If he didn’t like those answers, that was his problem, not hers.

  At some point during the long restless hours of the previous night, she’d finally found some sort of peace with how her life was going to unfold with Jason. It was hard to look at Ryan and see the concerned expression on his face, knowing it was motivated by nothing more than common decency and, perhaps, friendship.

  He tilted his head a bit, then asked, “So, do you consider me a friend? How about Maya?”

  “Yes. I would consider you and Maya friends.”

  “Close friends?”

  Rather than answer directly, she said, “You know more about me than anyone else at the moment.”

  He looked like he wasn’t entirely happy with that answer, but that was too bad because that was the only answer he was getting from her.

  For someone who was supposed to be a pro at reading people, Hannah was starting to question Ryan’s abilities. He didn’t seem to be able to read her at all. Not that it mattered. It was probably better all the way around that he couldn’t. Of course, he was up against someone who had learned to hide her feelings from a fairly young age. And also someone who had learned to read people out of necessity, not because she had any sort of talent for it.

  Though she’d had to use both skills less in recent months when she’d interacted mainly with Armeena, it didn’t mean she couldn’t do it anymore. Since coming back to Canada, she’d quickly fallen back into the habit of trying to hide her own emotions while working to read those of the people around her. Something that would no doubt dismay Ryan and his family, but it was necessary for self-preservation.

  The only person who saw the full scope of her emotions was Jason—and she prayed that she’d always be that way with him. She didn’t want to be emotionally unavailable to him the way her mom had been to her. More than anything she wanted to be different with him.

  “What was your mom’s issue? That you had to be taken into care?”

  Hannah was slower to answer that question, not completely sure she wanted him to know how messed up things had been for her pretty much right from the start. That even if her dad had lived, it wouldn’t have changed how her mother viewed her. Her mom might not have descended into drugs as much, but she still wouldn’t have wanted Hannah in their lives.

  “My dad was everything to my mom. I don’t think she knew how to cope with his death so unexpectedly.”

  “But she must have coped somehow. After all, you said you were taken into care when you were six.”

  Hannah nodded. “We had an elderly neighbor who had been widowed at some point in her life, so she tried to help my mom out as much as possible. But then she passed away, and my mom had to take care of me herself. Things went downhill pretty rapidly at that point. It was finally another neighbor who called family services after she realized I wasn’t getting enough to eat, and well, my appearance showed I wasn’t being cared for like I should have been.”

  “I know it can be hard when a spouse dies, but if you have kids, you need to pull it together for their sake. My mom was a rock when my dad died. We had to leave where we’d been living, so Mom packed up all our stuff and moved us back to Canada. All on her own.”

  Hannah wondered how different her life would have been if she’d had a mom like Emily. For sure she never would have ended up in foster care. Even in the short time she’d known Emily, she could see that the woman adored her children—all of them, not just the ones she had given birth to.

  Ryan turned as Jason let out a squawk from his high chair. Moving toward him, Ryan said, “Well, maybe it’s time to consider making more friends. Everyone here who has met you already would happily be your friend.”

  “I’m sure everyone has a lot of friends already,” Hannah said as she watched Ryan free Jason from his straps.

  “That’s not true for everyone in the family. Makayla tends to have a more difficult time making close friends, so she has just a couple BFFs and then a larger circle of acquaintances. Gabe has a lot of friends, but Maya doesn’t have as many. But honestly, one of the things we believe in our family is that you can never have too many friends.” Ryan smiled at Jason. “And I’m sorry if you weren’t looking for friends, but I’m pretty sure that Maya and Sammi already count you as one.”

  Hannah thought of the two women who had spent the most time with her. “They’re very nice.”

  Ryan nodded but gave her a serious look as he walked toward her with Jason in his arms. “Just give them a chance. You don’t have to become instant BFFs, but just don’t block them out. They’re really neat, and I don’t just say that because one is married to my brother and the other is my sister. You may think someone like Maya has had it made being the daughter of such a wealthy man, but she hasn’t always had it easy. Sammi has had her own struggles too. So while they won’t understand exactly what you’ve gone through, they know what it’s like to face difficulties and to try and overcome them.”

  Hannah couldn’t deny that when Ryan put it that way, the idea of forming friendships with those in his family was appealing. At the very least, maybe it would mean she wouldn’t be rejected.

  When Jason started to fuss a bit more, Hannah held out her hands. “He probably needs a diaper change. And I think the pediatrician will be here in a bit.”

  “Yeah, I need to phone my doctor too,” Ryan said. “I’ll hang out down here in case the pediatrician comes while you’re upstairs with Jason.”

  Hannah thanked him then headed up to her room. It didn’t take too long to get Jason changed into a clean diaper then she put him in one of the two-piece outfits that had come in the bag from Minnesota. It had dark blue pants that covered his feet so she wouldn’t have to worry about putting socks on him. The top was white with dark blue teddy bears on it. It was long-sleeved and had snaps in the crotch so that it wouldn’t come untucked. Given that winter meant people often had cold hands, this would protect his torso when people held him since the shirt would stay in place.

  Once he was dressed, Hannah took a few minutes to freshen up herself before heading back downstairs. She could hear Ryan talking and thought the doctor had arrived, but when she found him in the kitchen, he was on the phone. He’d barely hung up when the doorbell went, and he told her that he’d get it.

  Though everything seemed to be going well with Jason, Hannah’s stomach was a bundle of nerves. If he really was thriving as well as he seemed to be, it would be a real answer to prayer. And truly, given the state she’d been in during her pregnancy and what he’d had to eat after he was born, it would be a miracle if he came through it all unscathed.

  Hannah greeted the doctor when he came into the kitchen, surprised to see that her doctor was with him.

  “I hope you don’t mind that I tagged along,” Emma said as she smiled at Hannah. “I thought I’d check in and see how you were doing with the supplements. But I’ll let Davis check Jason over first.”

  As it turned out, Emma stepped in to help with Jason too. After Hannah had undressed him, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope and began to check the baby’s heart and lungs.

  “He’s been eating well?”

  Hannah showed him the notebook she and the nurse had been using to keep track of feedings and diaper changes. The nurse had also been weighing Jason each day, so the doctor reviewed that information
as well.

  “It looks like he’s been doing well with the feeds. I’d like to stay with the high-calorie formula for another couple of weeks, then we’ll see how his weight is. If he continues to gain weight, he’ll be on chart for weight as well as height. He’s already showing an increase in the amount of formula he’s able to take, so that’s good. Overall, I’m pleased with his progress.”

  Hannah smiled, happy with the news. Even if it took awhile to sort out her own personal health issues, she was glad that Jason didn’t appear to be suffering.

  Once Jason was dressed again, Ryan offered to take him into the living room with the doctor while Hannah spoke to Emma. She appreciated his courtesy since she wasn’t comfortable discussing the more personal aspects of her recovery with anyone around but the doctor.

  “I can already feel some of the impact of the supplements,” Hannah told her. “I’m not suddenly full of energy, but I’m definitely not as exhausted as I was previously.”

  “That’s good. Definitely what we want to hear. Any other concerns pop up in the meantime?”

  “No. I think everything else so far is good. I’m curious about when my cycle might return.”

  “It might take a month or two. Now that your diet has improved, and you’ll hopefully be gaining weight, it shouldn’t take too long for it to start again. If it still hasn’t returned in three months, we can do some blood work to check your hormone levels and see if there’s anything amiss there.”

  Hannah nodded. It wasn’t that she was eager to have that part of her life return, but when it did, it would be a good indication that her health was normalizing. And she would be just that much closer to putting this all behind her.

  After the doctors left, Hannah retreated to her bedroom to put Jason down for a nap. Though it was tempting to take a nap as well, she pushed that urge aside in favor of doing some work. Namely, looking over the questions that Stacey Adams had sent for their interview. Though they were going to meet in person at some point, Stacey had offered to send some sample questions that she could mull over before they actually met. Hannah appreciated her thoughtfulness since it helped her to feel less like she was going to be blindsided by Stacey.