6. Training will be provided to all those being issued a body camera. But you understand that when we say training, we mean not really a lot of training—just enough to make it seem like we give a shit.
As a general guideline, if something is about to happen that you don’t want people to know about, make sure your camera is off. We can stonewall for only so long.
8
The Real Way to Not Get Shot by the Police
So you still haven’t been shot! That’s great. You’re already benefiting from the advice of white people. My book is working.
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Wait a minute. You see that space up there? That’s me patting myself on my back because I am saving lives. If I can save just one person with this book, then we’re going to have shitty sales. I want to save lots of lives. What the heck, maybe you should buy a copy for a friend of yours to save his life, too.
But you niggers know this shit ain’t for real, right? I mean, don’t get fucking cocky because this shit is a comedy book. We’re trying to have a little comedy with tragedy. But I’m about to tell you the real secret to not getting shot by the police. Ready?
The only way to not get shot by the police is . . . to be lucky as a motherfucker. That’s it. You can read this book, you can follow all the advice of well-meaning white folk, you can live a good, safe life. You can do whatever. But the best way to not get shot is to be lucky as a motherfucker.
Flowchart by Springer Cartographics, LLC
Part 2
How to Look
Now that you’re not dead, let’s keep it that way. Being alive is a good look on you. But it’s not enough. In this part, we’re gonna get some great advice from white people about how we should look. Yes, believe it or not, we are going to hear some fashion tips from white people.
With so many cops scared of black people, it’s important to find a way to put them at ease. First we’ll take a look at how to dress less threatening. And it’s very funny when white people claim they don’t see color, because they’re so good at describing us to the police. But is there a way to not “match the description”? There is! And finally, we’ll get some advice about tattoos and how to do your hair Clarence Thomas–style.
Are you ready to find out how to look? Let’s do it!
9
Don’t Match the Description
“So I was sitting at an intersection and I see a white vehicle. I can’t remember what kind of vehicle it was. . . . And I couldn’t make out if it was a guy or girl I just knew that they were both African American.”
Officer Yanez, describing why he pulled over Philandro Castile
Police pull black people over all the time because they “match the description.” See what a fucking problem that is? I’m here to tell you, whatever you do, don’t match the description.
Be taller, if you have to; shorter if you have to, fatter or skinnier, lighter or darker, longer or shorter hair; whatever you got to do. Just do not look like someone who did something.
Look Unique
Some people are so unique looking that they never match the description. Have you ever heard of a crime committed by someone who looked like this:
Featureflash Photo Agency/Shutterstock
If you get shot looking like that, you’re shit out of luck. “I thought that giant clock was a gun!”
Have you ever seen anyone matching this description:
Okay, maybe:
sbukley/Shutterstock
But that’s an exception.
In other words, if you’ve been looking to develop some questionable personal style, now’s your chance. Wear a lot of crazy crap; it might save your life. You’re trying to make sure that there’s nobody out there that you might look like. If your style is so whack, you’re never going to accidentally match the description.
Don’t Look Unique
If you don’t want to put in the energy to be totally unique, you can also go the other way. Be totally unremarkable. Have no distinguishing marks.
Think of a guy you don’t remember and be like him. Got it?
Nice try—that guy was way too memorable—you remembered him! That’s a guy you can remember. You’re trying to be the most unremarkable black person you could ever be. You need to go deeper. You want to remember a guy you don’t remember; that’s the guy.
Maybe he’s a guy you’re not sure you even have ever met; he might not even exist. Think of what he’s wearing—it’s probably some kind of khaki pants but who can say? And he’s got a shirt on? Maybe a blue shirt, maybe a tan shirt. Impossible to know. How tall was he? Average. Glasses—sometimes. That’s your guy.
When you’re shopping for clothes to be like this guy, you’re really looking to pick clothes that anybody would choose. But be careful not to pick clothes that nobody would choose, because those are probably weird clothes.
Don’t Be Sketchable
Here’s a police sketch of the perpetrator. Do you look like him? If you do, don’t go outside.
Noel Powell/Shutterstock
All police sketches look the same.
They all have:
1. A bad attitude
2. The dude’s head is a little squat
3. No forehead
4. Rabbit eyes
5. Goatee
6. Beanie
If you have a short little forehead and like to wear a beanie, you’ve got a problem because you already match the description. You’re too sketchable. Not “sketchy”—sketchable.
Don’t Look like Your Yearbook Picture
Have you ever noticed that every time a black guy commits a crime, they go back to his yearbook picture? And somehow he looks just like the kind of guy who would commit the crime he’s accused of. He looks just like it. So whatever you do, don’t look like you did in high school: guilty as hell.
Maybe Olan Mills should just arrest those people when they go in for their senior picture. As soon as your high school yearbook picture is developed, security arrests you.
“I didn’t do anything!”
“You will.”
Instead of that autumn leaves background, they give you cinder blocks. They hand you your booking number and make sure they have your profile and fingerprints. In your yearbook, you’re “Most likely to do 10–20.”
Don’t Let Your Car Match the Description
Before the cops even get to looking at you, they’re looking for cars that “match the description.” That’s how half these shootings begin—the cops say they have a car that matches the description to some recent crime, then they pull someone over and they’re already on edge. So if you want to be truly safe, you need a safe car.
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration safety ratings: that’s not us. Don’t go looking at safety ratings; we’re not talking about a Volvo. That’s a safe car for white people. A safe car for black folks isn’t a car that will help you in a crash. A safe car for black people is one that won’t match the description. Here’s the DL Traffic Safety Administration Top Safety Ratings:
#1: Oscar Mayer Wienermobile:
Joshua Rainey Photography/Shutterstock
Admittedly, there may not be enough hot dogs to go around for all the black folks who need them.
#2: Smart Cars
Rawpixel.com/Shutterstock
Until criminals get wise to the easy parking and environmental benefits of using a smart car, these cars scream “Not guilty.” Honorable mention: Teslas. White people figure that if you’re conscientious enough to plug your car in at night, you’re probably not the folks they’re looking for. All cops would have to do to solve a crime would be to follow the extension cord.
#3: Golf Carts
Lucky Business/Shutterstock
White-collar criminals drive these, not the kind cops care about. Important note: though they may look similar, ATVs or four-wheelers do not accord the same protection.
If you commit
a crime in a Wienermobile, you deserve all the time you get.
Summary
Don’t go getting yourself shot by “matching the description.” There are so many ways to not look like someone who did something. There’s always some guy who has done something and looking like him makes you more likely to get shot.
Remember:
Look totally unique.
Or look just like that one guy you can never remember. Remember him? You don’t? Perfect.
If you love beanies or have a weird-shaped head, make sure you change it up to be less sketchable.
Yearbook pictures can predict the future, so don’t look like your guilty-looking yearbook picture.
Drive a car that doesn’t match the description—it might even be a good way to earn a little money on the side.
Let’s Meet
Jeff Sessions!
Department of Justice
Jeff Sessions is a classic white person, whose lengthy service as a senator from the great state of Alabama was capped by an appointment as attorney general under President Trump. What a quintessential southern gentleman! His slow drawl and genteel manner are certainly charming.
Sessions was appointed attorney general despite a history of racially insensitive comments. You can understand that any southern gentleman of a certain age would make racial jokes and comments in good fun. Of course, Jeff Sessions denies it.
The only black assistant US attorney in Alabama at the time, Thomas Figures, testified that Sessions said the “NAACP, the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, Operation PUSH and the National Council of Churches were all un-American organizations teaching anti-American values” and that Sessions “thought those guys [the Ku Klux Klan] were OK until I learned they smoked pot.”
Although these sorts of “jokes” got him rejected in 1986 when he was nominated by President Ronald Reagan for federal judge, they weren’t enough to derail his confirmation in 2017 as Trump’s attorney general. In 1986, these comments and his role in prosecuting voter registration advocates were too much. But not now! White people are back!
Jeff Sessions was also a key figure in the Trump campaign. Before most people thought Trump had a chance, Sessions was a big cheerleader for Trump. With the investigation into the Russian hacking scandal under way, he was asked in his confirmation hearing if he had ever met with Russian government officials. He said he had not. It was only later that his memory was jogged—oh, did they mean the Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak? That kind of Russian government official? Well, yes, he had met him. But only two times. Or so.
Now, what can we expect out of his Justice Department? Well, he doesn’t think the federal government needs to investigate police departments. The only people who are investigating anything about the police department right now is niggas. They’re the only ones.
Among his first moves in office was to rescind an Obama-era directive to stop using private prisons. Sessions said the memorandum “impaired the bureau’s ability to meet the future needs of the federal correctional system.” Hmm, and who do you suppose are gonna be “meeting the needs” of these private prisons?
Private prisons are morally untenable, but the companies behind them were big donors to the Trump campaign. Many private prisons have an occupancy requirement that means that prisons have to be 80–100 percent full. You can actually bid for inmates. And what you want is young inmates with lengthy sentences that don’t get sick. If you can get a cat in at age twenty, and he does twenty-five years, right at about the time he starts becoming a medical problem, you get rid of him. That way you keep your profits up.
That’s the stuff that Jeff Sessions fights for: making sure we keep the police doing whatever the fuck they want and making sure there’s plenty of space to lock the niggers up in.
LIKES: Mint juleps, private prisons, saying “I say, I say” before everything
DISLIKES: Testifying under oath, remembering things
10
How to Dress Less Threatening
“If you dress like a thug, people will treat you like a thug.”
—Geraldo Rivera, talking about the death of Trayvon Martin
Dressing the wrong way can be dangerous! Just being out at night in a hoodie was enough to make Trayvon a threat. White people don’t get how black people dress and sometimes it gets us killed. And white people can wear anything they want and it’s fine. Is there a way to take a page from the white book and dress less threatening?
Don’t Dress like a Thug
Let’s face it: black style has always been dangerous, from zoot suits to MC Hammer’s parachute pants, white people clutch their pearls and worry about black fashion. They see it as foreign and, well, scary. Almost everything looks better on a black guy, but also more threatening. You can’t help it. But being fly could make you die.
Have you ever felt threatened by the way white people dress? Even if you see a white guy in some kind of Ed Hardy skull T-shirt, it’s hard to take them seriously. White people have perfected the art of nonthreatening dress: it’s called Banana Republic. If you want to look totally nonthreatening, all you have to do is buy everything at the Banana Republic, or better yet call up Lands’ End and say, “I’ll take one of everything.”
Fox News is always talking about black men looking like “thugs.” Do-rags, sagging pants, and especially hoodies are fashion no-nos according to Fox. Wearing that sort of thing means you’re advertising yourself to be a criminal. Obviously, it’s wrong to say that every black man wearing a hoodie is a “thug.” If I tried to tell you that every old white dude in khaki pants and a golf shirt is a racist, you wouldn’t buy that argument.
Government of Japan
My bad.
But the point is, you can’t really tell that much from how someone dresses. There are probably as many black dudes dressed as thugs who are thugs as white people who are dressed like white supremacists who are white supremacists. But it’s okay to dress one way, not the other.
But what am I trying to do here? Tell you how to dress with style the way I do? No, I’m trying to keep you safe and explaining how to dress the way white people like! So:
No do-rags—try a cowboy hat or a derby instead.
No sagging pants—white people hate sagging pants, which is weird because they don’t have butts. They should like sagging pants.
No hoodies—unless you follow the guidelines below.
How to Wear a Hoodie
Hoodies are a popular casual clothing item enjoyed by millions of Americans. From grandmas getting their steps in at the mall, to the young hipsters banging out some code in a Williamsburg café, hoodies are enjoyed by a variety of white people. And also some black people.
But did you know that black people are wearing them wrong? Crazy, right?
Wouldn’t it be great to get a little white advice on how to wear them correctly? After all, white people have decades of experience with wearing hoods.
1. Hoods are DECORATIVE ONLY. Even black people can catch a chill sometimes. So it would be tempting to view the hoods on hoodies as a “hat” that you could put up to keep your head warm. But that would be a mistake. A hoodie put up on top of the head makes it nearly impossible to tell if someone is black until their face is in view. This leads to a temporary disconnect: how can white people know how to treat you if they can’t figure out if you’re black?
2. Never wear headphones under your hoodie. Let’s say that a white person just has a “feeling” that you might be black. And naturally then they might want to ask you what you are up to, or why you are in the neighborhood you’re in. How will you know what that white person is asking you if you can’t hear them? It’s probably pretty important, so you’ll want to give this white person your full attention.
Also, if a white person is yelling at you but you don’t know because you have headphones on, how will you know why they are upset with you? White people have short fuses and don’t like to be ignored (see police shootings).
3. Hoodies are
not evening wear. Fashion has weird rules. Why are suit pants so short this season? Why isn’t it okay to wear white after Labor Day when white people obviously love white things? Who can say? There’s something about hoodies and black people that just makes them more suitable to daytime wear. And there’s something about being out at night, in a hoodie, that lends itself to getting shot.
So let’s just say that wearing hoodies at night is “out of style” for black people.
How to Dress White
If you want to be safe, if you want to dress the white, I mean right way, try out some popular white outfits:
Khakis and a nice button-down shirt
Corduroy jacket with elbow patches, and heck let’s throw in a pipe and fireplace, too
Argyles
But fashion is a cruel mistress. Remember how everyone lost their minds when Obama wore a tan suit? You don’t want to get it wrong and end up making things worse.
So what the fuck are black people supposed to wear? What article of clothing makes black people less threatening? What shop do we go to? They have a little-folk shop, for small people. They have Big & Tall for big people. They have Lane Bryant for bigger women, right? What do we have? We don’t have a less threatening nigga store . . . until now!
LTNS: The Less Threatening Nigga Store
You don’t have to sacrifice your street cred to look great at the LTNS. Here we’ve taken street fashions and transformed them into the kind of clothes that will put white people at ease!
Before:
Gino Santa Maria/Shutterstock
After:
stockyimages/Shutterstock
At the LTNS, we’re dedicated to making America look great again!
How Not to Get Shot Page 6