11
Don’t Have Gang Tattoos
White people’s heads are always getting filled with nonsense about “gangbangers,” so beware: all tattoos, no matter what, will be perceived as “gang tattoos.” It’s okay for white people to get tattoos of a skull, some weird Celtic symbol, or an arm sleeve that means “Have a great day” in Welsh or Sanskrit, or whatever, but just know that the same tattoo on a black person will invariably mean “I’m in a gang.”
So if you want to have tattoos, make sure that they are as innocuous as possible. Try to get ones that are butterflies or Smurfs or that clearly say “Mom.” Even then, white people might be prone to seeing your tattoos as threatening.
Tattoos and the Way White People See Them
Tattoos
The Gang Tattoo White People See
tattoo of “Mom” in a heart
tattoo of fist with “Black Power”
tattoo of Calvin and Hobbes, peeing
tattoo of Calvin peeing on a cop
tattoo of a happy face
tattoo of a skull
tattoo of “Simone”
tattoo of “Crips and Bloods”
Remember
Racism Is Toast
White people wish racism would just go away so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. Here’s the problem: We don’t get rid of racism when we cover shit up. You have to acknowledge it, look at it, and deal with it.
It’s like when your mother used to burn your toast and you still had to eat it. “Just scrape the black stuff off and it’s fine. The rest of it’s still good!” No, it ain’t. No kid wants to eat that burnt toast.
You can’t just scrape off the most obvious racism and say the rest is good toast! Throw that shit out. It’s time for a fresh slice.
12
How to Do Your Hair
What kind of haircuts do white people like? Well, let’s look at who they put in charge.
Official White House photo by D. Myles Cullen
Vice President Mike Pence has perfectly respectable hair.
United States Department of the Treasury
Treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin has standard-issue middle-aged white guy hair.
Frantz Jantzen
Didn’t we already do Mike Pence? Oh shit, that’s Supreme Court justice Neil Gorsuch. Sorry, all these white guys look the same.
Short hair is the preferred choice for white dudes! With a part on the side. That’s the way white people like their hair. Of course, white people will sometimes overlook a weird haircut:
Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead
Sure his hair is terrible, but his views and policies are worse. I don’t think that even the most rabid conservative would say they love Trump’s haircut; they love him for his demented Archie Bunker attitude.
Gage Skidmore
Steve Bannon looks like a crazed drifter. But he’s their crazed drifter.
White hair is no fun. You’re just not going to see a lot of variety with white hair. Ever since the Beatles grew their hair out an extra inch, long hair on white dudes has only been for hippies, rock stars, and burn-outs.
The problem with black hair is that it’s confusing for white people. That’s why people are always asking to touch it. They don’t get it. Don’t believe me? Up until recently, the Transportation Security Administration was able to take a black woman and search her hair because it seemed “different” to the TSA officers. Malaika Singleton, a black, female neuroscientist, filed suit because her “sister locks” were given hair pat-downs that white passengers were not subjected to. The American Civil Liberties Union was able to get the TSA to change their procedures so they don’t waste time with this “hair threat.” I mean, the Islamic State is not known for its weaves.
“Different” hair has been subjected to harassment and unfair treatment. Especially for black women. In the army, black women have been told they have to wear their hair in specific hairstyles. The New York Times interviewed Captain Danielle N. Roach, who used chemicals to keep her hair straightened so she didn’t run afoul of the regulations. These treatments cost her up to eighty dollars every four to eight weeks. Luckily, the army has recently changed this policy to allow for female soldiers to wear “dreadlocks/locks.” At schools, girls’ natural hair has been deemed a problem and they’ve been penalized with threats of expulsion, like in the case of Vanessa VanDyke of Florida. Her school told her to cut or straighten her hair, calling it a “distraction.” And yet nothing is done about white people and their mullets. It’s crazy.
How Long Can My Hair Be?
For black men, the longer the hair is, the scarier it is. But then again, if you’re bald, that’s scary, too. You have to find the perfect nonthreatening length and style.
Dreadlocks: scary
Braids: very scary
Afro: very, very scary
The half-fro is probably the perfect style. Like James Brown on the NFL Network. Or Ben Carson. It’s not really cut short, it’s not really cut long. It’s in the middle. It makes no statement—perfect for disarming white people.
What Cut Should I Get?
When you go to the barbershop, pick a safe hairstyle. Just ask for the cut you want by name:
Police-Approved Haircuts
Prokopeva Irina/Shutterstock
You might think that some of these make you look ridiculous; no, you look safe!
Summary
White people like black people to have hair as boring as theirs. If you want to stay safe, play it safe.
Look at old white guys: that’s the hairstyle you want.
Ben Carson isn’t just a genius surgeon and a weirdo—he has great hair.
If you’re having trouble deciding on a white-approved hairstyle, why not try “short”? Or “very short”?
Anecdote
Wigs
A little bit ago, Bill O’Reilly was making fun of Representative Maxine Waters because of her wig. Before he got shit-canned from Fox for harassing women, he was on Fox and Friends, saying that he “didn’t hear a word [Waters] said. I was looking at the James Brown wig.”
Bill O’Reilly doesn’t understand the importance of wigs! Growing up, every black woman I knew, loved, and respected had a wig. Matter of fact, the wig was an early warning system: if you came home and the wig was home, your momma was home.
But if you came home and the good wig was gone, that meant that your momma was going to be gone a long time, she was going to take care of business.
“Where you goin’, mama?”
“Don’t worry ’bout where I’m going! Just turn the beans off in thirty minutes and watch your brother!”
When she put on that good wig, your momma was either going to church or downtown to talk to white people. “These motherfuckers done cut my gas off!” If she wore the good wig, you knew you could play all day because she was gonna be gone. When she had that wig on, she was going to kick some ass.
So, Bill: You’re lucky Maxine Waters didn’t have her good wig on. If she did, she might be coming for you.
Part 3
How to Act
Now that we know a bit more about how cops think and we’re looking less threatening and dressing whiter, let’s put all the pieces together. It’s all fine and good to look the part, but now we have to act the part as well.
In general, you want to stay away from the words “erratic” or “suspicious.” Erratic white people are “whimsical.” They get sitcoms made about them. Erratic black people get shot.
In this section, we’ll find out what kind of music to listen to, how to talk, get a job, and more! Maybe you’ve been wondering about whether it’s okay to say “the N-word” or what to name your kids. Don’t worry; I have gathered a lot of great advice from white folks on these very subjects.
Are you ready to pull it all together and learn how to act? Let’s get at it!
13
How to Be Nice and Quiet
“Will you just shut up and let me finish
, Simone?”
—Ken Cuccinelli, a Republican politician to CNN’s Symone Sanders during a discussion about Charlottesville
White people think black people are loud. They like black people to be nice and quiet.
Let’s face it: black people are loud. And white people are loud. But loud white people don’t have a problem. Loud black people get the cops called on them. Loud black people get Michael Dunn shooting them up for playing their music. So let’s take some white advice on this and be nice and quiet like they want us to be.
Be Like a Child
It’s just like my mother used to say: Children are supposed to be seen and not heard. And maybe not even seen. Sometimes grown-ups have shit they want to do. They have adult conversations, they have adult stuff to do, and they don’t need to have kids around to fuck it up by talking or getting involved.
It’s the same for black folks. White people are the grown-ups, they got shit to talk about, stuff to do, and they want black people to be nice and quiet. This goes for pretty much any public place where there might be white people—a restaurant, airport, mall, movie theater, etc. Let’s start acting like children, like white people treat us.
Study Your Ancestors
We need to study our lineage. At one point, black people had mastered the art of being invisible to white people. How did they do it without being noticed? Sure, slavery is a dark part of our history; but that doesn’t mean it was all bad. Look for the silver lining: black folks sure got good at being nice and quiet.
True, it was under duress; but in the nice-and-quiet department, we did a great job. Without the beatings, the forced labor, the ripping apart of families and the lynchings, can we still be nice and quiet like white people want?
Pretend You Don’t Exist
Pretend you don’t exist, like the government does. They don’t count us in the correct numbers in the census or voting rolls, they don’t fund housing subsidies, after-school programs for black youth, SNAP—so in a way you are just doing what the government wants. The Revolutionary War was fought over taxation without representation, so stop representing.
When I was in school, I never wanted to be called on. I sat in the back of the class and I could turn myself invisible. Not because I had some kind of superpower—I just found a way to be out of the teacher’s eyesight, just out of her line of sight. She’d turn one way and I’d shift and duck the other. She turned the other way and I’d slouch and hide. But the main thing was mental; I didn’t want to be seen. There’s a way to not be seen if you don’t want to be.
What good has ever come from being noticed by white people? So, start wanting to not be seen. Turn invisible.
Summary
Be nice and quiet, just like white people want. They like us to be seen and not heard, or at least not heard if seen.
Remember
It can be hard to be quiet. You have to want it, like when you were in school hoping to not get called on.
Be quiet, but not sneaky quiet like you’re planning something. If you’re too deep in thought, it might look like you’re plotting a revolt.
Or think of yourself as a child trying to avoid getting yelled at by a belligerent parent with a hair-trigger and a history of violence (like white people).
Think back to Harriet Tubman and others who mastered the art of being invisible on the Underground Railroad. Black folks of that generation had a motivation: they didn’t want to get beaten or killed. Times haven’t changed much.
14
What Kind of Music Should You Listen To?
“Hip-hop is the worst role model. It’s the worst example. It’s the most negative possible message, and what’s the point of it?”
—Geraldo Rivera
Music is such an individual decision. Does it even make sense to say that there is a right music to listen to? Yes, yes, it does. What kind of music do white people like? That’s the right music to listen to. White people enjoy:
Dave Matthews Band
U2
Journey
That “I’m Proud to Be an American” song
Honestly, all that shit sounds the same to me, though every black person can sing “I wanna know what love is . . . ,” even if they’re not sure if it’s Foreigner or Journey.
The point is, you have to play not-scary sounding music. Like Conway Twitty—the name just sounds safe. And even though Ted Nugent is scary, he doesn’t sound scary.
Be careful of music that sounds scary. Like T-Pain: that sounds like it hurts. Fetty Wap—who’s whapping Fetty? Violent! Wiz Khalifa? “Khalifa” sounds like an ISIS commander, and “Wiz”? Well, white people remember when Diana Ross and Michael Jackson ruined The Wizard of Oz—they were not off to see the Wiz. The flip side is, you should feel free to play white bands that truly sound crazy as hell. Yes, somehow the Sex Pistols, Buzzcocks, Black Sabbath, Marilyn Manson, the Beastie Boys, Slayer, Megadeath, Anthrax, and the Grateful Dead are all perfectly fine. I didn’t create the rules, I’m just explaining them!
Sure there’s good music you can play for yourself, when you know no one is around. But it’s smart to have some songs queued up for you to play just for when you’re pulled over. Cops know if they hear some types of music nothing can go wrong. A preset classical station is a good idea. Or country music. No one ever gets shot listening to coun . . . scratch that.
Why not put together a “don’t shoot” playlist? Like songs by the Police.
“Is that the Police?”
“It is, Officer.”
“That’s my favorite band. Though I don’t like Sting much.”
“Me, neither.”
“Have a good day, you’re free to go.”
But stay vigilant! In your rush to change artists, you must be careful not to confuse “safe” and “dangerous” music. Here’s a quick list of commonly confused acts:
Safe
Dangerous!
Young, Neil
Young Thug
“roots music”
The Roots
Spice Girls
Salt-N-Pepa
Vanilla Ice
Ice Cube
Alabama
Flo Rida
Timberlake, Justin
Timbaland
Listen to It Quietly
You want to make sure your music is quiet. The easiest thing is to buy some earbuds. That way the music’s not so loud that anybody else can hear it. Of course, you can’t hear the police telling you to freeze or drop it . . . so scratch that.
Even if it isn’t the cops, white people think they can just go ahead and shoot black people for playing their music too loudly. Remember Jordan Davis? Michael Dunn, a hotheaded middle-aged white dude shot up a bunch of black teenagers because they didn’t want to turn their music down in a gas station parking lot. So the dude shot and killed Jordan Davis and then went back to his hotel room with his girlfriend. He tried to say he was threatened, but he had shot at them as they were driving away. Granted, this was in Florida, where apparently you can shoot anyone if you want to “stand your ground.” But, hey—until the law gets fixed, is it worth it to listen to Lil Reese so loud? Lil Reese is a lot of risk.
Summary
Musical tastes vary, but white people don’t want to hear music that scares them.
Anything with Ringo in it is safe. Stay away from scary music like Young Thug.
The harder your music is to hear, the more white people will like it.
DLialogue
Leave Politics Out of Sports
“The issue of kneeling has nothing to do with race. It is about respect for our Country, Flag, and National Anthem. NFL must respect this!”
“If a player wants the privilege of making millions of dollars in the NFL, or other leagues, he or she should not be allowed to disrespect our Great American Flag (or Country) and should stand for the National Anthem. If not, YOU’RE FIRED. Find something else to do!”
—Two of Donald Trump’s many tweets about players kneeling during the Nationa
l Anthem
The most hated black man in America, now that Barack is out of office, must be Colin Kaepernick. Trump and other white supremacists have been driven crazy over the Kaepernick-inspired protests of police brutality, trying to paint them as unpatriotic.
Unfortunately, a lot of white people who may even dislike Trump find themselves agreeing with him on this issue. They are mad that Kaepernick and other NFL players keep injecting race and politics into sports. For them, football is about fun, not politics. And yet these highly paid NFL players won’t stand during the National Anthem. They say incendiary things about police violence. C’mon! Football isn’t about violence!
White people just want football players to shut the fuck up and do their job. So are they right? Are they injecting politics and race where it doesn’t belong?
Politics Is for the NFL, Not the NFL Players
The NFL players work for the NFL. The National Football League. Does it say National Political League? No. I don’t know how players got the idea that they could be political. The NFL only gets political when it promotes people joining the army. When the Department of Defense spends $5.4 million in contracts with the NFL between 2013 and 2015, I guess I’d call that political. Football has already been political. Think about it: how many times have you heard “The Few, the Proud, the Marines” during a game?
But look, sometimes white people forget about stuff, as is their privilege. Maybe it’s an honest mistake. I’m not going to be unfair about it and tell white people who hired a reality star to be president that they don’t have the right to tell black people to not get political. I’d never do that. Let’s be fair.
I mean, here’s the thing: motherfuckers that sell beer and alcohol for a living like the NFL, are they in a moral position where they can judge what’s right? More people die from alcohol-related injuries than almost any other preventable cause. They let a football player who killed dogs play. You let a motherfucker that got away with murder play, but you draw the line at somebody making a political stance? Do I even need to get in to the concussion and CTE problem?
How Not to Get Shot Page 7