“What’s this a drawing of?”
“It’s my mama talking to the insurance man about life insurance and the police are trying to arrest me!”
“Um. Very good, D.L. How about drawing a flower next time?”
So when we wanted to draw our parents or each other, we had to mix a bunch of colors together—orange and black, purple and brown—because everything is geared for white people. Everybody else has to adjust.
Nowadays, “Flesh” colored crayons are relabeled “Peach.” And in 1992, Crayola put out a set of “Multicultural Crayons” that came in “an assortment of skin hues that give a child a realistic palette for coloring their world. The crayon colors are: black, sepia, peach, apricot, white, tan, mahogany and burnt sienna.” Now, I know some “black” people, but I still gotta share crayons with “apricot” people and “burnt sienna” people that I’ve never seen? That’s what I’m saying: everything is built for Peach People.
19
Stop Taking Handouts
“Right now about sixty percent of the American people get more benefits in dollar value from the federal government than they pay back in taxes. So we’re going to a majority of takers versus makers.”
—Paul Ryan
Nothing gets white people agitated like the welfare state! Why should our money be given to others who don’t need it? Pull yourself up by the bootstraps. That’s something I can definitely agree with white people on. Let’s start dismantling the welfare state. I just might disagree about where to start.
Let’s Start with Football
Have you ever noticed how the same people who hate welfare, also seem to love football? I wonder if they realize that professional football is really local socialism?
What I mean is, the taxpayers are subsidizing these teams. The city, for instance, often pays for the arena. Since 1997, NFL teams have built twenty new stadiums with $5 billion of taxpayer funds. They get tax breaks on construction, using municipal bonds that were created to fund roads and schools, not sports stadiums. Cities give them property tax breaks, police to patrol the stadiums, and other city services.
And even though the NFL makes around a billion dollars in profits, up until 2015 it was also a nonprofit. When Congress was revising its rules around nonprofits, lobbyists inserted the phrase “professional football leagues” into the IRS code. Even though teams are for-profit, the league itself was treated like it was some kind of charity instead of a corporation. NFL headquarters administered the league and its TV contracts, making insane amounts of money, paying its executives absurd salaries (Roger Goodell was paid $35 million in 2013), but paid no income tax. Sounds like a huge parasite on the system to me.
And Then Flood Insurance
Flood insurance is very interesting. For instance, if you buy a house in the flood zone and you are buying insurance from a carrier, you pay $1,500 a year, but you should be paying like $9,000–$15,000.00 a year. Why the discount? Because you have the government subsidizing flood insurance. And it’s running at a $25 billion deficit. Politico recently called flood insurance “the government’s hidden housing subsidy for the rich.” Why? Well, have you ever checked out real estate listings for beachfront property? Not cheap. And by the way, a lot of these houses are vacation homes. The people in the Hamptons, on Martha’s Vineyard, or in the Outer Banks who build their houses in areas that they know are risky, what do they get? They get FEMA-backed insurance, right? Which is what? Welfare.
Welfare don’t just come in food stamps or a block of cheese. Twenty-five billion dollars? That’s a hell of a block of cheese. Fuck that cheese. I want the cheddar!
Of course, just because your shit floods, that doesn’t mean they gonna put it back for you even if FEMA’s there to help. In New Orleans, they didn’t figure out how to replace that shit. In Houston, they did. In New Orleans, the parts of the city that got flooded were poor and black and a lot of them have still not recovered. Houston is more well-to-do. It’s the fourth-largest city in the country. And it flooded because they refused to admit that the entire fucking city is a flood zone. Rather than listen to environmentalists, they decided to build Mother Nature a pool. Every other region of the country that receives this increase in inclement weather has adjusted for it. In New Jersey, they build their houses higher. California, they make them earthquake resistant. Texas: “I’mma do what I want, thank you. Because I’m Texas strong.” That’s nice, but I don’t want my hard-earned tax dollars going to headstrong welfare deadbeats like flood insurance recipients!
Who Gets Welfare? Corporations
So when conservatives say that they don’t like welfare, they’re being selective. Insurance companies get money. Pharmaceutical companies get money. Petroleum companies get money. Agricultural companies get money—they all get money. But don’t give a nigger a food stamp.
You want to cut school lunches, but not cut the $13 billion Boeing got from government subsidies? That’s how much in state and local subsidies Boeing received over the last fifteen years, according to a 2015 report by Good Jobs First. What about General Motors? Their $3.5 billion is a lot of money that could be in taxpayers’ pockets instead.
I don’t want my money going to support these drags on society: if we didn’t subsidize some of these companies, they’d fail. I mean, take some individual responsibility!
The Surprising Face of Welfare
Poor white people get more food stamps percentage-wise than us, but we’re the fucking poster child. In 2014, government assistance and tax credits helped 6.2 million working-class whites out of poverty, more than any other group. About half of the adults without a college degree that these programs help are white.
And food stamps weren’t started to help poor black folks. They were started during the Great Depression but became the program they are today because grocery store owners liked the income. Grocery chains still get increased sales during recessions.
Half of all food stamp recipients are children. And most of the households receiving food stamps include children, elderly, or people with disabilities.
So, yes, I agree—there are too many people sucking at America’s teat: too many poor whites, old people, and children!
It’s Expensive Being Poor
It costs so much to be poor that nobody can afford to do it. Poor people pay more for all sorts of common household expenses, like groceries. Why? Well, let’s take one example: toilet paper. The University of Michigan did a study that showed that poor households are less likely to be able to save money by buying in bulk. They have less money to put up front to buy in bulk and they’re less likely to have access to big-box discount stores that have better deals. Because of this, low-income households pay 6 percent extra per sheet. Only in America can you be too poor to wipe your ass!
“You stink.”
“I’m broke!”
Poor people pay more for car insurance, regardless of their driving record. In 2016, the Consumer Federation of America found that poor drivers pay an average of $681 more a year than drivers with a higher economic status.
Add in overdraft fees, minimum balance requirements, and predatory lending practices and it’s easy to see why being poor can make you broke.
So, we know that being poor costs you. If you’re saying “I don’t want you wasting my tax dollars and having babies,” well, let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about why football stadiums, rich people, and corporations are getting welfare while we still have 5.3 million people who are poor in America. Let’s talk about why the Mississippi Delta region and Appalachia have lower life expectancies than Bangladesh and Vietnam.
Remember
Racism Is a Dangerous Operation
America is like a shooting victim with a bullet near its spine on a medical drama. Let’s call it Heartbeat. The bullet in this instance is racism. So this racist bullet is precariously positioned so that removing it might kill the victim, America. And look: There’s a bunch of doctors, both black and white. The black doctors are like: “We g
otta get this bullet out or America might die!” And the white doctors say: “Let’s just leave it there. Removing it might actually be more dangerous.” And meanwhile, America is bleeding out on the table.
And then that shit gets canceled after one season? C’mon now.
20
How to Move into a White Neighborhood
“Welcome”
—welcome mat, but still be careful about it
White people like to live where they want on their terms. First they got agitated by an influx of black people into cities. After blacks moved out of the rural South in the twentieth century, whites practically abandoned cities and hightailed it to the suburbs, gutting urban areas of its tax base. In one of the most extreme cases, Washington, DC, went from 25 percent black in 1920 to 70 percent in 1980. White flight is real: I saw it myself. In my kindergarten class picture there were two or three horrified-looking white kids, but by the time I got to my third-grade yearbook they were all gone, never to be seen again. You remember “See Dick and Jane run?” You would see Dick and Jane, but by the time it was third grade, Dick and Jane had run for real.
And now they want back into the cities—displacing well-established black and Latino communities through “gentrification.” Gentrification is where white people who were scared of niggas move in with us.
But what I’m talking about is black people moving into areas they historically never lived in: the suburbs. Black people are moving there for the same reason they moved from the South: for better opportunities for them and their children. But white people aren’t used to that yet. A lot of bad things happen when black people move into neighborhoods and white people don’t know them. One of the biggest ways that people get shot is that neighbors call the police on a stranger. Don’t be a stranger.
You have to introduce yourself to the neighbors and make sure that everybody in the neighborhood knows you, but in a good way. Not because you’re playing loud music or because they’re scared of you.
The Welcome Wagon
Traditionally, when someone new moves into the neighborhood, people bring some kind of housewarming gift, maybe a pie. Well, in this case I wouldn’t wait for the welcome wagon. You might need to hitch the wagon yourself and bring it to them. Sort of a reverse welcome wagon. This is not like reverse racism: it actually does exist. And it could save your life. So try bringing a pie or some fresh-baked cookies around to each one of your new neighbors.
Remember to Not Forget Your Keys
Even if they’ve done a great job and brought pies around the hood and met your neighbors a bunch of times, don’t be surprised if they don’t remember you after it turns dark. At night, it’s a different story. You don’t want to be the black guy who forgot his keys and is standing out in front of his door, fumbling around in the dark. Remember when Henry Louis Gates got arrested on his own porch and had to go have a beer summit with Obama and the shithead who arrested him?
Whatever you do, don’t go knocking on your neighbors’ doors in the dark. Don’t need help. Remember Renisha McBride? She knocked on a guy’s door for help and he blew her head off. Or what about Jonathan Ferrell, injured in a car accident, with a concussion, staggering around and the police killed him after he knocked on a woman’s door for help.
Always remember to not forget your keys. If you come up to the door and you realize you don’t have your keys, just walk away. Come back tomorrow when the neighbors are at work and it’s daytime.
A Surefire Way to Get White People to Remember You
How do you get white people to remember you, then? Maybe get a dog! White people love dogs. And even if they don’t remember your name, they’ll remember you’re the black guy with the dog. You’re “Sparky’s owner.”
But be careful to get the right dog. They’ll remember this dude:
pathdoc/Shutterstock
With this dog . .
Voltgroup/Shutterstock
But in their memory, he’ll look like this:
Christos Georghiou/Shutterstock
So, not a pit bull. Maybe a Lab?
Blend Images/Shutterstock
Better yet, get a small dog. A Bichon Frise. White people love furry dogs with bows in their hair, or dogs with bandanas tied around them. They like that. Bandanas around your dog’s neck and bedazzled leashes and shit like that. You want a dog you can accessorize. But not with a spiked collar.
Think of a funny little dog. One that can catch a Frisbee and bring it back. One that can shake hands and roll over. Nice, friendly tricks.
If you want to be extra safe, a rescue dog is the best kind. Then you can tell the story of how you saved your dog’s life: “I just couldn’t stand to see an innocent dog put to death like that. #AllDogsMatter.” White people love rescue dogs.
And the best kind of rescue dogs are the ones with wheels. If you can score yourself a dog with wheels, they’ll never forget you then. You saved his life; now he’ll save yours.
“That’s my black neighbor with the dog with the wheels; everybody knows him! He’s a great guy; nobody wants a dog with wheels, but that guy did!”
Summary
Being the new black guy in a white neighborhood can be dangerous. Make sure people know who you are!
Bring a daytime pie around.
If you lose your keys, find a new place to live; just walk away.
A little dog with no legs can be a lifesaver. Every time those little wheels squeak, a white person smiles.
Part 4
Understanding White People
You still with me? You haven’t been shot? Great. If you’ve made it this far in the book, I’ve got you looking and acting whiter than ever before. But let’s face it: that’s all surface-level stuff. There’s still a lot about white people that’s hard to understand. Sometimes they say such stupid shit that it’s hard to figure out what the fuck they’re talking about.
In this section, we’ll dive into some of the ways white people think about race when they do. We’ll make sure that you’re not a reverse racist, that you’re not playing the race card, and we’ll talk about black people that white people actually like for a change!
If you’re ready to try to dig into the white mind, let’s get started on understanding white people!
21
What Kind of Black People Do White People Like?
One of the things to understand about white people is that they don’t hate all black people. That is an unfortunate stereotype that will make it harder for us to understand them and learn from them. Let’s face it: there are some black people that they like. It’s just that white people will never pick a nigga that black people like. That’s why it seems like they don’t like any black people. Because the black people they like aren’t black people that black people like.
White people got bad taste in black people. It’s as if white people say, “I’m white, but if I were a black guy, I’d be that black guy.” That’s the guy they like. You know, white black guys. Black guys that always make them feel fine about being white, that always agree with them. Someone who reminds them of themselves. They pick Herman Cain. They pick Ben Carson. They pick Clarence Thomas.
Some of the black people that white people like might be more welcome at a Klan rally than a black church. Let’s not test that theory, though.
Case Study: Clarence Thomas, a Good Black Guy
For black people, Thurgood Marshall was the most successful jurist of his time. He’d argued before the Supreme Court successfully so many times, they just said, “You know what? Let’s give this nigga a job.” Historians still look at his rulings and writings. He was integral to writing opinions. Now that’s a black person that black people like.
Thurgood Marshall died in 1993 and white people replaced him with Clarence Thomas. The main thing to know about Clarence Thomas is that he never says a fucking thing. Clarence Thomas has been so silent, if he didn’t take pictures with the Supreme Court justices, they would think he was the black janitor there photobombing them.
Last year he broke a ten-year silence on the court to ask a few questions. It’s crazy. But that’s the nigga the white people like: the quiet one.
Case Study: Ben Carson, a Bad but Then Good Black Guy
Ben Carson is another. White people love Ben Carson. Trump even named him to his cabinet. Why the fuck do whites like Ben Carson? Ben Carson embodies the pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps ethos that white people fetishize even though they don’t have to do that much themselves. He rose from poverty to become the first neurosurgeon to separate conjoined twins. Basically they like him because they can point to him and say, “See, we don’t need to help black folks after all. They just need to be more like Ben!”
Not only that, he even overcame being a thug! In 2016, when he was promoting his book Healing Hands, I mean running for president, he told the story of hitting his mother with a hammer and trying to stab his friend with a knife, apparently to show that he used to be a bad motherfucker. What? Most black people try to convince people they didn’t do something. He tried to convince them that he did: “I almost killed somebody.” He was so boring, he was trying to seem like he used to be bad. How can you be a president with a street rep?
Good thing we dodged that bullet, right? It’d be horrible to have a weird dope as president. Nor should you be secretary of housing and urban development, which is the job Trump gave him. But I guess Trump needed a black dude for that position, so why not pick a white black dude.
Why Isn’t Obama a Black Guy White People Like?
It’s ironic that white people like Ben Carson because of his inspirational story, and yet a good percentage of them can’t stand Barack Obama. Let me think . . . I know a black guy who was raised by a single mother, who ascended to Harvard, has a great marriage, bright children, is a brilliant guy who worked his way all the way up to the presidency! Forget about his policies and politics, how come so many white people can’t even admit that Obama is every bit an inspiration as Ben Carson. They asked us, “You voted for Barack Obama, but what about this Ben Carson guy?” You can’t pick our black people. You can’t tell us “Enough about that Obama. What about our guy?” Both grew up poor, both are black men who pulled themselves up. But one is bat-shit crazy. Barack Obama didn’t have to try to stab someone to become president.
How Not to Get Shot Page 10