Well, after Ben Carson didn’t pass muster, Republicans said, “Fuck it, we tried offering you a black option, but now we’re doubling down on the racist one.” Trump’s agenda might as well be called “I’m gonna undo everything that nigger Obama did.” I’ve never seen anybody so obsessed with a black man who isn’t a Kardashian.
White People Like Black People Who Black People Like After They’re Dead
It never fails. White people have terrible taste in black people until we get to about age seventy-five. But then they start liking the people we like—that is, after they’re old and feeble. Better yet: after they’re dead. In other words, they like the people we like after they’re no longer a threat.
They started digging Muhammad Ali when he was close to dead. Then he became an icon. They liked Martin Luther King Jr. after he was dead. Now everyone loves him, but at the time he was unpopular with whites, just like Black Lives Matter is today. In 1966, a poll of white adults found that only 36 percent felt that MLK was helping the civil rights cause and half thought he was hurting it. Back then they condemned him. Now they quote him.
Every black person who got a holiday was somebody that scared white people. Nobody will ever remember Ben Carson. History will remember the people who spoke against what was going on. That’s who they’ll remember. In the meantime, white people will probably continue to pick black people who make them feel comfortable. They’ll pick the wrong black dude for their token black Republican presidential candidate. And they’ll pick the wrong black dude in the lineup, sure. But don’t count on recognition of who is an important black dude during their lifetime. Only dead black dudes get their own stamp.
Note to self: if whites start praising me and giving me honors, I’d better get my affairs in order, because my days are numbered!
22
Your Bill of Rights
Here’s the Bill of Rights:
Charles Haire/Shutterstock
Freedom of Religion, Speech, and Press
Right to bear arms
Don’t have to let soldiers shack up in your house
Prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures
Protection of rights to life, liberty, and property
Right to a speedy trial with impartial jury, etc. in criminal cases
Right to a trial by jury in civil cases
Excessive bail, fines, and punishments forbidden
Other rights are kept by the people
The powers not delegated to the government are reserved to the state or the people.
Here’s YOUR bill of rights:
This space intentionally left blank
Sorry! White people will tell you that you have the same rights as they do, but what happens when you try to exercise them? That’s a different story.
Am I being extreme?
First Amendment: Did Sandra Bland have freedom of speech when she was taken into custody by a cop who didn’t like the way she spoke?
Second Amendment: Did Philando Castile have the right to bear arms when he was shot for having a gun?
Third Amendment: Do we have the right to not have the Redcoats take up residence in our homes? Is this what they called gentrification back then? Okay, to be fair, this one is mostly solved. But if there were Redcoats around, you know they’d be fucking with us.
Fourth Amendment: Did hundreds of black people have the right to not be stopped and frisked for no reason in their own communities?
Fifth Amendment: Did the Central Park Five have the right to not self-incriminate when they were forced to confess to a crime they didn’t commit?
Sixth Amendment: Do poor black people who rely on systematically underfunded public defenders’ offices have a right to a speedy trial?
You get the point, right?
When you’re talking to the police, don’t say, “I know my rights.” Nothing pisses somebody off like somebody knowing their job better than them. People hate that, especially cops. It’s better that you pretend like you don’t know shit.
Us knowing shit used to get us hung. If they found out you could read or that you knew something, that was enough to get you strung up. And knowing your rights is really the same thing. It doesn’t protect you in any way. It doesn’t insulate you. It just pisses off the guy who’s violating your rights.
Take a white guy and a black guy and put them in the exact same scenario and see what happens when they exercise their rights. Whether a black guy is exercising his Fifth Amendment rights or Second or First Amendment rights, he’s still getting an ass whupping. His first, second, third, fifth—it all adds up to 9-1-1.
23
“I’m Not Racist, I Have Black Friends”
Can you be racist if you have black friends?
The question is: does a serial killer kill everybody? There are some people the serial killer doesn’t kill. He has some people over for dinner (not Jeffrey Dahmer–style), maybe he’s got some pals in a book club. He doesn’t kill those people. Who’s going to pick next week’s book?
A serial killer doesn’t kill his friends, but that doesn’t mean he’s any less of a serial killer. And a racist isn’t always being racist. Maybe he likes his black friends but crosses the street when he sees a strange black dude walking toward him at night.
Everyone’s a little racist, but some people have a higher tolerance for it than others. Just like everybody who voted for Trump isn’t a racist—but I think that they all were comfortable with racism.
People are comfortable with racism for a lot of reasons. Because they go to family reunions and there’s racist Uncle Ted. He’s a great guy, just a little racist, right? They can’t see dear Uncle Ted actively doing anything and acting on those feelings. Come on, he’s just joking! I’m just laughing to humor him. He’s harmless! Well, guess what, put all those people together and can do some horrible shit. A whole lot of Uncle Teds elected Donald Trump.
America laughed along with Trump every step of the way—right off a cliff. Come on, it’s a show! He doesn’t really mean it! Don’t worry, he’ll become more presidential once he gets in office. Uh, he’s an outsider and needs a couple months to get up to speed . . . fuck, maybe he just needs the right team around him? The right dose of meds?? Let’s hope we don’t hit bottom before 2020.
Anecdote
The First Time I Knew I Was Black
When I was a kid, I didn’t even know I was black. I was just whatever I was. The first time I really knew I was black was when I was about five or six years old. We were on a field trip to Olvera Street, the oldest street in Los Angeles. Everybody used to go on field trips down there—I guess they didn’t know where else to take a bunch of little black or Mexican kids. Seems like a shitty field trip: “Oh, we’ll take them to a street where they can see how old the street is. Can’t take them to a fucking museum, they’ll probably knock over a statue or something. No, let’s take them to this old street where they have all these old shops and they can buy some Mexican jumping beans and maracas and shit.”
And we had gone there so many times that by the time we got there, I knew all the spots. I wanted to go to this ice cream parlor that I really loved. So my friend and I headed over there. And I said, “Sir, can I have some ice cream?”
And he went, “We don’t serve niggers.”
“Well then, can I have strawberry?” I asked. I didn’t know what the fuck this guy was talking about.
“He doesn’t serve blacks,” my friend said. “He don’t serve us.”
“What do you mean?” I said.
“We don’t want no black people in here.”
“Black people can’t have ice cream?” I was incredulous. I was like, There’s a law against black people having ice cream? That’s a stupid law.
So I go home and I’m sulking. My mother asked what was wrong. I said, “This man called me a nigger.”
She said, “It’s never what somebody calls you. It’s what you answer to.” And then she said, “You’ll never have to be what somebody tells
you you are.” She gave me a hug. “You feel better?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Can I have ice cream now?”
She said, “No, nigga, get out of here.”
It’s true, I thought. Niggas can’t have ice cream.
24
How to Not Be a Reverse Racist
White people hate to be called racists. And if you try to reverse racism, be careful: you might accidentally become a “reverse racist.” Two wrongs do not make a right. Everybody knows that. So how can you avoid being a reverse racist?
Do You Have a Power Structure to Back Up Your Racism?
Racism is prejudice backed up by a power structure. So here’s a test to see if you are being reverse racist:
Do you have a system of government to back up your racism?
Do you have other bigoted and prejudiced people to collaborate from the government to impose your view on them?
Can you make police departments look at you like you’re a threat?
Can you make banks deny loans?
Can you charge white people more?
Can you be complicit in building highways through poor white areas?
If you are just bigoted or prejudiced, but can’t do any of the above, then you are not engaging in reverse racism. Congrats!
Is Reverse Racism Just Making Sure Shit Isn’t Racist?
Yep. Even though white people directly benefit from white privilege and controlling the power of the government, the banks, colleges, and so on, for all of American history, they still think that black people get special favors when policies are put in place to address racism. In their minds, dealing with race is racist!
It’s like what Trump said at Charlottesville: when there’s protestors against racists, they are as bad as the racists. He seemed to not want to risk alienating his white supremacist supporters, but when he eventually chimed in, it was to condemn hate on “many sides.” This false equivalency is rampant among conservatives who look for grievances. People fighting hate are not the same as those promoting it. Was America as bad as Nazi Germany on D-Day? Was Martin Luther King as bad as the segregationists he marched against?
White people like to say “I don’t see color.” Okay. But they sure see color when a black kid gets admitted into a college they think they should have gotten into, or if a black woman gets a job they think they should have been hired for. Then they speak up. In Texas, a white woman, Abigail Fisher, sued the University of Texas over their decision not to admit her based on her race. The Supreme Court eventually ruled against her, but more challenges will surely come.
In 2016, polling showed that 66 percent of the white working class think that discrimination against white people is as prevalent as discrimination against black people. As prevalent. That’s crazy. But it speaks to the threat white people feel when programs are put in place to ensure diversity and equal treatment.
Maybe We Should Be Reverse Racist
Look, if white people still think that reverse racism is a thing, despite the evidence, then maybe we should embrace that notion. I mean, if they don’t believe us, we might as well have some fun. Let’s face it, white people shouldn’t:
Own Guns
Why should white people be allowed to own guns when most of the mass murderers in this country are white? According to Mother Jones, 54 percent of mass shootings since 1982 were committed by white men. But when they commit murder, we don’t say “white people are dangerous.” We call them the N-word: “normal.” After a mass shooting, neighbors always tell the news crew, “He was just a normal guy.”
We have to change our definition of normal. The brother of the Vegas shooter said his brother was “normal” but the latter amassed thousands of rounds of ammunition and dozens of assault rifles. Listen, if you collect dozens of assault rifles, you’re not normal. And you’re not a good guy; you’re a bad guy waiting for something to happen. You’re waiting for the government to overreach. You’re waiting for a race war. You’re waiting for somebody to piss you off at work. You don’t prep for good.
Run the Government
The only scandal-free administration we’ve ever had in American history was under a black president. The guy before Obama started a war under false pretenses that left 4,500 Americans dead and killed more than 100,000 Iraqis. Bill Clinton couldn’t keep his hands off his interns. And look at the fucking mess we have now. I’d need another book to catalog the daily (hourly?) stream of embarrassments to flow from the Trump White House. The inescapable fact is, white people can’t be trusted with the government.
Dance
White people are bad dancers. That’s a stereotype, and I don’t know that I’ll be back on Dancing with the Stars to defend it. Dancing is harder than it looks, so you know what—go ahead and dance, white people.
Summary
White people may be obsessed with reverse racism, but we know that’s not a thing.
If reverse racism is just making sure shit isn’t racist, then yes, we are reverse racist.
White people “don’t see color” unless a person of color is taking their job.
And even if white people aren’t so good at dancing, they can have that. My dancing days are over. It was a shock to see that white people have my rhythm, but I obviously got their credit, so we’re even.
DLialogue
“Let It Go”
One thing white people hate talking about is slavery. “Slavery was a long time ago!” they say. “Why can’t black people let it go? Yes, it was a blight on our country’s psyche and it should never have happened. But you remember too much; that was a long time ago. Can’t we move on? Can’t you let it go?”
So you want me to let slavery go, but you have Confederate statues in the middle of town rubbing everyone’s face in it. It’s simple to me. If you want us to forget, let us. Let us. How can we forget about slavery and have thousands of statues up to the Confederacy? It can’t be both America’s original sin and something to honor with statues. We’ll let it go if you will.
White People Won’t Let It Go
The events in Charlottesville typify the differences in the way white and black folks see the world. Trump went out of his way to say that among the supporters of this Robert E. Lee statue there were some “fine folks.” You’d have to look pretty hard to find those “fine folks” among the full-on Sieg Heil Nazis and in-bred white supremacists. But there are a lot of white people who don’t see themselves as white supremacists but still want these statues to stay up. We have to respect history, they say.
History, huh? Let me try to remember who won the war? Oh right: the North. Hundreds of thousands of Union soldiers—whites and blacks—died trying defeat the rebels. . . . What do you think they’d say if they saw Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson parading all over the place 150 years later? I imagine they’d turn over in their graves—talk about respecting history! The Confederacy lost, its ideas were rejected, and the only place I should hear about it is in history books and Ken Burns documentaries. People seem to think that “the South will rise again,” and if it does, it’ll get its ass whooped again. When you lose, you don’t get a fucking trophy.
It’s like America was in a bad relationship, but went to counseling (Civil War) and worked shit out. But you wanna still keep the mementos of your ex! “I just want a little reminder of the good times.” No, don’t do that! Throw that fucking sweater out, I don’t care how cozy it is.
We’ll let go if you will. White people never want to let go of shit. It’s not just statues. Schools, bridges, libraries, airports, streets, parks—all the elements of our civic society—they’re named after people who fought to enslave us. Black kids go to school right now in several places across this country named after Klan members. If you want us to let it go, stop reminding us of it. In Jacksonville, Florida, they had a high school named after Nathan Bedford Forrest, the first national leader of the Ku Klux Klan (and a Confederate “hero”). Petitions to change the name failed a number of times, but finally they changed i
t under pressure. You name a school after a dude whose gig was starting the Klan? And you want us to forget?
Confederate statues and monuments were put up after the Civil War and during the Jim Crow era to make sure that niggers knew their place. That shit was put up to remind us, not make us forget. So you want us to forget? Unremind us! We’ve got Confederate monuments in California! California? And that ain’t even got shit to do with us—we’re laid-back. How the fuck is Robert E. Lee overseeing an In-N-Out Burger?
And look—if you’re not going to take the monuments down, if you’re going to keep your schools named after racists, at least take them out of black neighborhoods. Black people shouldn’t have to go to a school named after a dude who hated them and that’s underfunded. You can’t have both: A shitty dude and a shitty school? A school named after a loser and has no books? That’s messed up. Why would I wanna learn from this guy? How are you supposed to learn history in Robert E. Lee High School on Martin Luther King Boulevard? It fucks up everything. If you want to keep that shit, put it in your neighborhood.
I Blame Google
America could move on if it wasn’t for Google. If we couldn’t find out you were bullshitting us, it would be all right. But if you tell me something, I google it to see if it’s true, and then I get the information that it’s not. So much of the celebrated American shit is based on lies. “Columbus discovered America.” It’d been discovered a million times over before he got here. You gotta be a dumb teacher to pretend that’s the truth. Nobody teaching that believes it. So why does it get taught? Tradition? Hmm, “tradition” is starting to feel like a code word for “white supremacy.” It feels like a white supremacist curriculum taught by people who are aware they are lying, but are going through the motions. Nobody believes Christopher Columbus discovered America, but we celebrate. Nobody believes that Thanksgiving was a happy party for Indians and their visiting Pilgrim friends, but we celebrate. And we teach it. All this shit is to remind us that white people are in charge.
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