The Saucy Lucy Murders

by Cindy Keen Reynders

  “Revelation Camp.”

  “Tell Otis I’ve been so stressed I need some time away.”

  “Where do we get the money for this little expedition, Lex? Otis keeps the checkbook locked up tight and you’re not in the best financial position.”

  Lexie grinned. “Bruce is wiring me more hush money to keep Aunt Gladys, remember? We’ll have plenty for a field trip up to the Ice Queen Resort.”

  Lexie and Lucy spent the rest of the day preparing for their mission. First, Lexie needed some clothes since no one was allowed in her house until the fire inspector had done his report. That might be a few more days and until then, she couldn’t keep borrowing Lucy’s clothes.

  When they’d finished cleaning the church, they drove downtown to the Loose Goose Emporium where clothing was of the L.L. Bean kind. Lexie said, “Hi,” to Bertie, who was busy stocking some of her shelves with cans of string beans and peas. She nodded to Violet who sent angry looks her way, but thankfully didn’t cause another scene.

  Wanting to get underway up the mountain as soon as possible, Lexie quickly scooped up a couple of pairs of jeans and some plaid flannel shirts, hiking boots, and thick cotton socks. The next item she snagged was a heavy down jacket with red flannel lining and a pair of mittens.

  There was still no sign of storms even though they were a couple of weeks into November. The drought had other things on its mind and had changed the weather patterns. By now, they should be knee deep in snow. Still, the weather in Wyoming had always been unpredictable. Folks claimed there were only two seasons: snow and wind. Blink and the weather could change.

  After Lexie had changed into a pair of her new jeans and a flannel shirt, Lucy drove them past the Victorian and sat parked across the street for a while, staring at the charred kitchen area jutting out into the dead brown yard. “Who in heaven’s name would start a fire in someone’s home? It’s purely evil.” Lucy shook her head. “I’m glad the fire department arrived in time to keep the entire house from burning down.”

  “I know.” Lexie’s insides twisted. “A lot of Castleton ancestors would have been rolling over in their graves if the house had gone up in flames. That Victorian is kind of a family heirloom, you know?”

  Lucy nodded. “Remember how Grandmother Castleton used to fuss over those roses by the porch? And Mother … Her favorites were the tiger lilies. How she babied them. This place was Dad’s pride and joy, along with his congregation.” Lucy wiped a stray tear with the back of her hand.

  “I miss them all, too.” Lexie patted Lucy’s shoulder. “Sometimes I wish we could go back in time to when we were kids and the grownups took care of everything.”

  “Wouldn’t it be great?”

  “If Dad were here now, he’d probably stand up at his pulpit one Sunday and give a lesson about the commandment, ‘thou shalt not kill’. If the murderer was in the audience, he or she would feel so guilty they’d stand up and confess.”

  Lucy smiled.

  “We may not be as commanding as Dad, but we’ll get to the bottom of this mystery, Lucy, if it’s the last thing we do.”

  “For Pete’s sake, I don’t want it to be the last thing I do.” Lucy’s eyes flared with concern. “Don’t talk like that.”

  Lexie stared heavenward. “It’s just a figure of speech, Luce. You don’t need to get your support hose in a twist.”

  Lucy clutched her orange-flowered abdomen when her stomach growled. “Meanwhile, I’m starving.”

  “Let’s go grab something to eat.”

  Lexie and Lucy bought wrapped sandwiches and sodas from a vending machine at the Conoco gas station. Lexie wrinkled her nose at the taste: cardboard and rubber. No wonder people had eagerly welcomed her soup and sandwich café. This stuff was rotgut. It sufficed to silence the stomach growls while they prepared for their mission.

  The next stop was the bank where Lexie collected Cousin Bruce’s donation to the cause and deposited it in her account. She would have much preferred Bruce come home and take care of his mother. That wasn’t likely to happen any time soon. Since she was in no financial position to pretend she didn’t need the cash, she decided she would spend it wisely and try to make Aunt Gladys happy.

  Lucy was surprised at the large amount he’d wired, but Lexie wasn’t. How much did it cost to ease a guilty conscience these days?

  Since her cell phone was still at the house charging in its little stand, she used Lucy’s to call Eva. She must have been in class, so Lexie left her the message she and Lucy were going to Revelation Camp on a three-day retreat. She also instructed Eva to please call the hospital every day to visit with Aunt Gladys.

  Lucy drove them to the Westonville hospital to see Aunt Gladys before they left. The old gal was sitting up in the bed watching television, but her complexion was pale. She was attached to monitors and had breathing tubes in her nose. She’d apparently managed to convince an attendant to purchase some gift shop items for her.

  She wore red lipstick and bright spots of apple-shaped rouge on her cheeks. Her mystery shopper had also found a pair of chunky purple earrings, several gold clinking bracelets, and a paisley bed jacket, all of which Aunt Gladys wore with her typical regal confidence. To top off her ensemble, someone had even painted her nails a hot pink.

  No doubt dressing up, despite the circumstances, was meant to impress the man who’d come to visit. Frenchie sat next to her in a comfortable-looking hospital chair with a footrest, reading a magazine called, The Millionaire’s Guide to Money Investments.

  He smiled at the sisters and put down his reading material. “I came as soon as I heard about the fire,” he explained. “I had to make sure my little sugar bun was all right.”

  “Winkie’s already been here,” Aunt Gladys said. “He brought those. Everyone’s been so nice.” She pointed at the bouquet of mixed wildflowers on a nightstand. “Frenchie brought these.” She nodded toward a vase on the other nightstand that looked like, and probably was, cut crystal. It was full of at least a dozen deep red roses with perfect petals.

  “Thank you for coming, Mr. Duckworth,” Lexie said.

  “Of course,” he said.

  Lexie and Lucy, who was holding the vase of flowers they’d purchased downstairs in the gift shop, exchanged knowing glances. They both knew their floral arrangement didn’t hold a candle to either Winkie or Frenchie’s bouquets. Lucy quietly set the pink carnations and daisies on another table.

  “Thank you for the flowers, girls. How did you know pink carnations are my favorite?” Aunt Gladys coughed, holding a lacy-edged hankie to her mouth. “The most wonderful thing has happened. Frenchie has offered to let me stay at his house after I get out of here. What do you two think?” She looked adoringly at the leprechaun fellow seated next to her.

  Lexie couldn’t even process the idea of Aunt Gladys living with Frenchie. She sat down in a molded plastic chair beside Aunt Gladys and took one of her age-spotted hands. “We’ll talk about it later.”

  Aunt Gladys wrinkled her brow. “Has anyone called Bruce? He should know what’s going on. I have no idea where to reach him. Isn’t he over in one of those countries where they eat dogs?”

  Lexie and Lucy exchanged another glance. “I got a hold of him,” Lexie said. “He’s worried sick about you. He’ll come as soon as he can. But he’s in the middle of a big business deal so it could be a while.”

  Aunt Gladys silently nodded and laid her curly white head back against the pillows. Lexie could tell by her aunt’s pursed lips she was disappointed. Bruce is a rat fink, Lexie thought. Shame on him.

  “How is the hospital treating you?” Lucy asked Aunt Gladys, thankfully changing the subject as she dragged another chair next to the bed.

  “They say my lungs aren’t clear yet and they are worried about my blood pressure. I told them it was Frenchie here who got me all excited but they didn’t buy it.” She winked at him. “I’ll be staying for a while longer.”

  “The doctors will take good care of you,” Lucy said.
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  “I’m bored,” Aunt Gladys said. “I’m so sorry about the fire. I really think the boy-man is responsible. I warned you about him.”

  “I’m sure it was faulty wiring,” Lexie told her, though in her heart she knew it was arson. “The house is old.”

  Later, when Aunt Gladys nodded off while they watched television, Lexie whispered to Lucy they needed to be on their way.

  Lucy stood and picked up her purse.

  “Please let Aunt Gladys know we’ll be gone for a couple of days,” Lexie told Frenchie as she pushed to her feet.

  Lucy wrote down her cell phone number on a piece of paper and handed it to him. “If something comes up, call us.”

  Frenchie nodded. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye out for Gladys. She’s kind of special to me.”

  “We appreciate it,” Lexie returned.

  By the time they drove into Lucy’s gravel driveway, Otis’ sheriff’s car was parked in the garage. Otis. Explaining their little excursion to him was not going to be fun. The sisters found him plopped in front of the TV with a remote in one hand and a can of beer in the other. Lucy explained they were going to a retreat in Burns Valley and, surprisingly, he didn’t question them. He merely grunted and kept his balding noggin focused on the screen.

  Lexie’s internal alarms flared. Her brother-in-law seemed way too interested in whether the Broncos would win against the Green Bay Packers. That meant once he processed Lucy was leaving him to deal with the big bad world on his own for a while, there would be hell to pay.

  After dinner, the sisters went up to Lucy’s bedroom where she packed a suitcase full of housedresses, girdles, support hose, and sturdy waffle-heeled shoes. Lexie spread out her purchases from the Loose Goose on Lucy’s bed and stuffed a few items into the blue athletic bag she’d purchased.

  Suddenly Lucy turned to Lexie with a look of surprise. “My goodness, what car are we going to drive? Someone might recognize mine.”

  “My bucket of rust is out of the question,” Lexie said. “It’d die trying to climb the mountain.”

  Lucy’s expression was skeptical. “I don’t think this will work, Lexie.”

  “Wait a minute now. Don’t back out on me. What about the used car dealership where Carl works? Could he loan us a vehicle?”

  “Hmmm. It’s possible. Let me check.” Lucy picked up the phone and called her son.

  As Lexie tucked away a few new cosmetics she’d purchased, along with new toothbrush and toothpaste, she heard bits and snatches of Lucy’s conversation.

  Finally Lucy hung up and turned to her. “Carl really wants to help us, but he said his boss would have a cow if we borrowed one of the cars on the lot.”

  “Crap,” Lexie said.

  “Language, sister dear.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Carl said someone just traded in a van Big Daddy hasn’t seen yet. He said we might be able use that.”

  “Big Daddy?”

  “That’s his boss. He owns Big Daddy’s Used Vehicles.”

  “Ah hah. I see.”

  “Carl says to come by Big Daddy’s about ten o’clock tomorrow morning and he’ll ‘hook us up with some wheels’.”

  Lexie put her hands on her hips. “Looks like we’re ready to rock.”

  Otis was his usual grumpy, unpleasant self the next day as he shoveled Lucy’s breakfast of eggs, bacon, and sliced cantaloupe down his craw, followed by about a gallon of coffee. It seemed he’d had time to process the fact his wife wouldn’t be around for the next few days to answer his beck and call. He was not happy and let the sisters know it by the way he slammed down his silverware and glared around the table.

  Still out of sorts, he helped Lexie and Lucy load their luggage for the trip. Grumbling under his breath with a toothpick between his teeth, he checked the oil on Lucy’s car and kicked the tires. “This is a shitty time to be leaving, Lucy, with the election and all. I need you here. Taking off like this is plain selfish.”

  Lucy winced at the emotional blackmail. “It’s just a couple of days, Otis. You’ll be fine. Call me on my cell if you need anything.”

  He ran his hand through the sparse fringe of hair he had left around the edges of his head. “You’ll be miles from here. How can you help me?”

  Lucy shot Lexie a pleading look.

  Lexie, who was feeling guilty, shrugged. How do you deal with a grown man who whines like a baby because he can’t deal with the real world on his own? Otis barked and snarled a lot at people, but inside he was a scared little man who couldn’t do much of anything without his wife’s help. He couldn’t even see what a petty fool he was acting like.

  Patootie head.

  “Come on, Otis grow a pair,” Lexie commented, in a braver tone than she felt. “You’re all grown up now and the boogie man won’t get you if Lucy leaves for a couple of days. Besides, how would you like your voters to know their trusty sheriff can’t even make his own breakfast or wash the skid marks out of his shorts?”

  He immediately turned a bright tomato red that clashed with his tan uniform. “I still think the two of you taking off to a Bible thumper rally is pretty shitty.” He spit the toothpick from his mouth for emphasis. “But go on. Don’t let me interfere.”

  “See you in a couple of days, Sheriff Parnell.” Lexie crawled in Lucy’s car and shut the door. To hell with him, she thought as she brushed off her jeans. She was getting to the bottom of these murders once and for all. No one, not even her whiny brother-in-law, was going to stop her.

  Once they were on the highway, Lexie said, “I’m sorry we had to lie to Otis, Lucy.”

  “It’s not him I’m worried about so much,” she said stiltedly, her hands white-knuckled as she gripped the steering wheel. “We’ve just told a whopper of a lie. Lies in my book are about as bad as murder.”

  “Lucy, don’t you know the difference between white lies and malicious lies?”

  “Lies are lies. God hates all liars.” Lucy glared at her.

  “This lie may just save my life.”

  Lucy relaxed her tensed shoulders. “That will be the one saving grace. Regardless, I’ll still be repenting of this lie for years to come.”

  Lexie turned to watch the passing landscape filled with brown rolling hills and dark skeletal trees that had lost their brilliant autumn leaves. It was dreary and dry in this part of Wyoming, adding to her current state of depression.

  Maybe she’d pushed Lucy too far. Maybe she should have gone up to the Ice Queen Resort on her own to snoop around. Lucy had insisted on going with her. It was a catch twenty-two situation. Whatever, she thought to herself, using one of Eva’s favorite phrases.

  When they reached Big Daddy’s, she studied the sea of vehicles in the lot with prices painted across their windshields. Flags of orange, red, and yellow were strung out to utility poles. Standing guard above it all, a statue of a cowboy wearing enormous chaps clutched a sign that said: Howdy Pardner.

  It positively reeked of cornball and hillbilly, but this was the only place Carl could find a job after he’d graduated from high school. And far be it from Aunt Lexie to make any derogatory comments about her nephew. The kid had to start somewhere, and since his dream was to eventually buy the car dealership from Big Daddy, she figured the time he spent here was an investment in his future.

  Lucy parked and the sisters dodged a couple of gangly, hungry-looking salesmen as they walked toward the office located in a small trailer. Stepping onto the rickety wooden porch, Lexie noticed two planters in the shape of cowboy boots. The stone containers held skeletal Mugo pines. Looked like Big Daddy needed to do more watering.

  “Watch out for Mitzi,” Lucy said in a hushed voice, her hand gripping the doorknob. “She’s a vicious snake. She’ll snap your head off given the chance.”

  “Who’s she?”

  “Big Daddy’s daughter. She works in the office. Or rather, she paints her toe nails in the office. Unfortunately, she and Carl were dating, last I heard.”

  Lucy opened
the door and they walked inside. Garish red carpet covered the floors and dinged-up Venetian blinds hung lopsided at the windows. A young woman with big blond hair and large hoop earrings sat in the corner. The smell of cheap nail polish, strong perfume, and bad coffee hung in the air as Mitzi, one long leg propped up on an old metal desk, painted her toe nails a ruby red color that matched the carpet.

  The first thing that came to Lexie’s mind to describe Mitzi was: vicious poodle woman. She was the type of girl Aunt Gladys would call a chippie, especially since rumor had it she danced topless at her other job. Lexie folded her arms across her chest and watched what was certain to be a curious exchange.

  Finally taking notice of people in the office, Mitzi popped her gum and rose, bouncing out from behind the gray monstrosity. Black vinyl slacks clung to her youthful thighs and she wore a bright red and very revealing sweater that would have made Daisy Duke blush.

  “Big Daddy ain’t here and the assistant manager’s busy in his office,” she said importantly. “You gals want somethin’?”

  Lucy cleared her throat, obviously trying to squelch her disgust. “I’m here to see Carl.”

  Mitzi popped her gum again and batted her false eyelashes. “You got an appointment?”

  “He’s my son.” Lucy gave Mitzi a stern look. “And he’s expecting me.”

  “Oh, howdy, Miz Parnell. Long time, no see,” Mitzi drawled. “Sorry I didn’t recognize you in that dress. Them flowers on it are awfully big.”

  Lucy ignored her. “Please tell Carl I’m here.”

  “You two can have a seat if you like while I go get him.”

  Lexie glanced at a dusty black leather couch strewn with rumpled newspapers and wadded up napkins. The coffee table held the remains of an old doughnut and its accompanying crumbs along with several dog-eared magazines and a sad looking Boston fern, also in dire need of water.

  She and Lucy exchanged a glance.

  “No, thank you,” Lucy told Mitzi.

  “Sure.” Mitzi popped her gum again and shimmied her curvy little backside down the hallway. She returned a few moments later walking closely beside Carl, her big, doe eyes staring worshipfully at Big Daddy’s assistant manager.