“I have a package for you,” she told Malcolm.
“Yes!” he cheered, meeting her halfway. She dug into the cart. Still wearing a smile, she came up with the package and a few other letters for Malcolm’s family.
Her look quickly changed as she glanced behind Malcolm. She now shuddered in terror. Her eyes grew large and her mouth formed a perfect O.
Malcolm knew of only one creature that could put that look of horror on a person’s face. He had a feeling that what stood behind him was the most terrifying thing on Earth.
CHAPTER TWO
BLACKMAIL
A hand clamped down on Malcolm’s shoulder and he quickly spun around. His sister, Cocoa, stood there sneering. It was exactly as he’d feared.
“What’d you do with it?” she barked. She wore electric blue eye shadow and lip gloss so orange it reminded Malcolm of a hazard sign. Some had smeared onto her front teeth. She dug her plum purple fingernails into Malcolm’s collarbone.
Malcolm grew pale. “Go away.”
“Not until you tell me what you did with it!” Cocoa leaned so close he could smell the tuna fish sandwich still lingering on her breath.
“Just tell her,” Dandy begged. He slowly backed away, like he might scream and sprint off at any moment.
“I don’t even know what she’s talking about,” Malcolm said.
Cocoa squinted at him. “I’m talking about my iPod, loser. I know you took it.”
True, Malcolm had snuck her iPod out of her room. He’d heard of people picking up spirit messages on walkie-talkies and in TV static. Ghosts liked communicating through electronics. He figured if Cocoa could download music on it, then maybe he could rig it to download ghost voices.
So, he’d simply converted her iPod into an apparition-receiving device. Once it was perfected, he’d planned to call it iHaunts – Voices from Beyond.
“Give it back, dweeb!” Cocoa demanded.
“Uh-hum.” Mail Carrier Nancy cleared her throat. “Here’s your mail.”
Malcolm reached for it, but Cocoa was quicker. She snatched it away so fast, Malcolm felt like he was in a time warp.
“Hey!” he cried as Cocoa headed back up the sidewalk. “That’s my package!”
“Yeah? You can have it when I get my iPod back!” She gave him a sneer that could only be seen in a carnival spook house. Even Mail Carrier Nancy cringed.
“Do something,” Malcolm told Dandy.
Dandy stuck his finger back in his ear. “She’s your sister.”
Mail Carrier Nancy clutched her cart. “Good luck, boys.” She hurried away.
“I want my package!” Malcolm yelled as he stormed into the house. Dandy followed, doing a double step to catch up.
“You know the deal,” Cocoa said, slamming and locking her bedroom door.
Malcolm wasn’t going to take this. He’d dealt with Cocoa way too many times to let this one slide. He’d been waiting more than six weeks for that package! So he did the one thing he knew he had to do. “MOM!”
Malcolm stomped into the kitchen where his mother sat, making a grocery list. Just as he started to protest, she looked up, relief in her eyes.
“Malcolm, would you please get your toy away from Grandma Eunice? She’s driving me crazy.”
Grandma Eunice was actually Malcolm’s great-grandmother. She’d been living with them as long as he could remember.
Just as his mother spoke, Grandma Eunice came creaking into the kitchen in her wheelchair. She held the Ecto-Handheld-Automatic-Heat-Sensitive-Laser-Enhanced Specter Detector in her hand. She was swinging it back and forth, aiming it at nothing.
“Where are you, you son of a gun?” she called. She gazed intensely at the air in the room.
“Who are you looking for?” Malcolm asked.
“Who do you think?” she said. “Your great-grandpa Bertram.”
“Grandma Eunice,” Mom sighed. “Grandpa Bertram died in 1977.”
“But he’s still haunting me. He used to bring me jellybeans!” She swung around, aiming the ghost detector into the dining room. “Bertram! I want more jellybeans!”
“Malcolm,” Mom said, trying to stay patient, “please take your toy back to the basement.”
Malcolm gestured for Grandma Eunice to give it up. “Hand it over, Grandma. You’re not even using it right.”
She gave it to Dandy instead. “Here, Alfred,” she whined. “No one around here plays fair.”
Malcolm knew that Mom wasn’t up for another crisis. He’d have to deal with Cocoa himself.
“Come on, Dandy.” The boys headed for Cocoa’s bedroom.
“Dude,” Dandy said, “your family is bonkers.”
Malcolm looked at Dandy, who had one finger in his ear and the other up his nose.
“Yeah,” he agreed. Down the hall he could hear Grandma Eunice shout, “Bertram, I want my jellybeans!”
CHAPTER THREE
SUPERWEAPON
Malcolm handed Cocoa her iPod, and she slapped the package into his chest.
“Now go away!” she screamed, slamming the door. Malcolm was more than happy to leave.
He and Dandy hurried down to his lab in the basement. His heart was pumping faster again. The excitement had returned.
“Do you have any idea how high tech this is?” Malcolm asked Dandy as he ripped the tape off the box.
Dandy didn’t answer. He just stood rubbing his belly, waiting to see what was inside.
Even though the box was big, Malcolm could see that it was mostly filled with Bubble Wrap. He began unwrapping it. The unwinding seemed to take forever. Finally, he had it in his hand. His very own Ecto-Handheld-Automatic-Heat-Sensitive-Laser-Enhanced Ghost Zapper.
“Uh . . . that’s it?” Dandy asked. They both stared at the object Malcolm held.
Dandy scratched his nose. “Shouldn’t it be bigger?”
Malcolm wondered the same thing. The ad in the back of Worlds Beyond magazine made it look like a megamachine. But it looked more like an aerosol can with a trigger. Even the laser was hidden.
“It looks like my mom’s hairspray,” Dandy added.
Malcolm reached back into the box and pulled out the instructions. He read them out loud.
“That seems easy enough,” Dandy said. “Are we going on a ghost hunt now?”
Malcolm shrugged. He was truly disappointed. All this time he’d pictured himself lugging a superweapon that would disintegrate any ghost in his path. This thing looked more like something he’d use to spray graffiti on them. But still, it must work. There was only one way to find out.
“Yeah,” Malcolm said, “I think we might need to search out a ghost . . . you know . . . to test it.”
Dandy’s face split into a huge grin, but then he tried to look serious. “Where do we start?”
“I think we should just keep the ghost detector on all the time,” Malcolm said. “Let the ghosts find us.”
“Like your great-grandpa?” Dandy asked with a straight face.
“What? No!” Malcolm said. “Grandma Eunice is just being silly.”
“But you never know. After all, I was there too. I know she isn’t batty,” Dandy whispered, looking around the room.
Malcolm switched the ghost detector to On. Once it warmed up, he flipped it to Detect. They both looked around, waiting.
Finally Malcolm said, “See? No Grandpa Bertram. Besides, I think I could sense if my own house was haunted.”
That’s when the basement door flew open with a bang. Cocoa came stomping down the stairs. “Hey creep, aren’t you forgetting something?”
Malcolm rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I forgot to lock the door!”
“You forgot about dogsitting!”
Yikes! Malcolm had been worrying so much about his package arriving that he’d forgotten he’d promised to feed the Millers’ dogs while they were on vacation. And they’d left last night.
“Can’t you do it?” Malcolm asked Cocoa.
“And have a sneezing fit? You know I’
m allergic to dogs.”
Malcolm remembered Cocoa’s last sneezing fit. Her nose turned purple and her pea green eye shadow ran down to her cheeks, mixing with her maroon blush. She’d looked like a clown on meltdown. Yuck!
“Fine,” Malcolm said. “I’m going.” He tucked his ghost detector into the waistband of his jeans. Then he and Dandy headed out.
CHAPTER FOUR
DOGSITTING
Malcolm squinted against the afternoon sun as he and Dandy headed down the sidewalk. He couldn’t believe he’d forgotten to feed the dogs.
Dandy was humming. Malcolm had no idea what tune it was though. It sounded like a cross between “Pop Goes the Weasel” and the theme from Star Trek.
“So we’re just going to dump some food in their bowls then go ghost hunting, right?” Dandy asked.
“It’s not just feeding them,” Malcolm said. “It’s dogsitting. I have to pet them and play with them. You know, make sure they’re not lonely.”
Dandy looked at him like it was the first day of school. “How long will that take?”
Malcolm sighed. “I don’t know. Until the dogs are tired of us, I guess.”
“And you have to do this for how long?”
“Just for a week.”
Dogsitting wasn’t new to Malcolm. He’d taken care of the Millers’ dogs last summer too. And they had really cool dogs. Both were bassett hounds. One named Brom, the other named Bowser.
The boys crossed the street and walked around to the Millers’ backyard. Malcolm dug a key out from under a rock in the flowerbed, then unlocked the gate. Bowser and Brom were already there waiting. Their barks were like the last dying putts of a lawn mower.
“Hey, fellas!” Malcolm said, rubbing their necks. “Hungry?”
Brom padded over and nudged Dandy. Dandy reached down to pet him. “Wow, he’s so . . . saggy.”
Brom bellowed cheerfully, then rolled over for a belly rub.
“Look. He’s just like you,” Malcolm said with a grin.
Malcolm found the dog food sealed in a plastic tub on the back porch. Both dogs rushed him—as much as a bassett hound can rush. He scooped out a huge bowlful for each. Dandy petted Bowser as he ate.
Next Malcolm turned on the hose and cleaned out their water trough. He filled it up again and turned to Dandy. “Now the fun part.”
“We play ball with them?” Dandy asked.
“Not yet.” Malcolm grabbed a shovel and a bucket. “First, poop patrol.”
“What?” Dandy rubbed his own belly the same way he’d rubbed Brom’s earlier.
“Poop patrol,” Malcolm repeated. “We can’t leave it scattered all over the yard.”
“Sure, we can,” Dandy argued.
Malcolm gave him a look. “Come on. I’ve nearly stepped in it twice already.” Malcolm handed Dandy the bucket. He kept the shovel. “I’ll scoop.”
Every time Malcolm dumped his find into the bucket, Dandy said, “Bleck!”
Once the last poop was scooped, Dandy picked up the ball. “Now do we play?”
“Go ahead,” Malcolm told him. “I need to make sure their doghouse is clean.”
The Millers’ doghouse looked more like a playhouse than a place for dogs to sleep. Malcolm ducked in to straighten their doggie beds, but quickly jumped back. A small white dog cowered in the corner, shivering.
“Hey, little fellow,” Malcolm said softly. “Where did you come from?” He hadn’t realized that the Millers had gotten a new dog. He still only saw two beds. And the only bowls said Brom and Bowser.
Hmmm . . . Maybe the Millers got this dog right before they left.
“It’s okay,” Malcolm assured the little dog. “I’m not going to hurt you.” But when he reached closer, it whimpered and thumped his tail. “All right, all right.”
Malcolm backed out and grabbed more dog food. “The Millers have a new dog,” he told Dandy.
Dandy stopped in mid-pitch, holding the slobbery ball he’d been tossing to the bassett hounds. “Where?”
“It’s hiding in the doghouse.”
Malcolm peeked in again. The dog stayed curled in the corner. “Here you go,” he said, putting a small pile of food on the floor.
Malcolm waited. The dog just sat, shaking. He was afraid if he touched it the dog might snap. Better to leave it alone.
He went over to Dandy, who was wrestling the ball away from Brom. “Are they exhausted yet?” Malcolm asked.
“I don’t think so.” Dandy was panting harder than the dogs.
Malcolm snatched the ball from Brom’s teeth, then jogged to the other side of the yard for a good throwing distance. That’s when something in the kitchen window caught his eye. Just a glimpse, but it was real.
“Did you see that?” he asked Dandy.
“What?”
Malcolm crept over and peeked in. No lights were on. The house was covered in afternoon shadows. But Malcolm saw a man near the refrigerator.
Someone was inside the Millers’ house!
CHAPTER FIVE
9-1-1!
Malcolm ducked. Was he imagining things?
“Dandy,” he whispered. He motioned for Dandy to come over.
“What’ya hiding from?” Dandy asked in a voice loud enough to scare off birds. Brom and Bowser were jumping at him, trying to get the ball.
“Shhhh!” Malcolm put a finger to his lips.
Dandy’s face went blank for a moment. Then he tiptoed over. He squatted by Malcolm under the window. Bowser and Brom followed.
“Someone’s inside the Millers’ house.” Malcolm tried to remain calm, but his heart was thumping against his chest at record speed.
Dandy paused a moment, taking it all in. Then he asked, “Is it a man or a woman?”
“A man.”
“Short or tall?”
“Tall . . . I think.”
“Thin or fat?”
“Thin,” Malcolm said.
“Blond hair or brown?”
“I don’t know,” Malcolm whispered.
“Did he have a huge, hairy mole by his nose?”
“What? I don’t know, I don’t think so. What difference does it make?”
Dandy leaned in. “Because if he’s tall, thin, and blonde with a hairy mole, it could be Darren Von Datton, the famous diamond smuggler.”
Malcolm just stared. “Do you really think the Millers have valuable diamonds hidden in their house?”
“You never know.”
“I know,” Malcolm said. “They don’t, otherwise they would hire someone to watch their dogs instead of having the neighbor kid do it!”
Dandy rolled the ball away so Bowser and Brom would stop jumping at him. “So what now?”
“I have to be sure,” Malcolm said. Inch by inch, he slowly raised himself up. He took a deep breath. Then Malcolm dared another peek. The man was still there, hovering by the fridge. Malcolm dropped back down by Dandy. “He’s still there.”
“Maybe it’s Mr. Miller,” Dandy suggested. “He could’ve come home early.”
“But the dogs hadn’t been fed. Mr. Miller would have fed them. Besides, it doesn’t look like Mr. Miller.”
“Maybe it’s a relative. You know, an uncle or something?”
Malcolm shook his head. “The house is dark inside. Someone staying here would turn on a lamp or something.”
Bowser and Brom were back, nudging Dandy. The rubber ball, full of teeth marks, was oozing slobbery goo. Dandy took it and pitched it to the back of the yard.
“So what now?” he asked again.
Malcolm mentally calculated the best approach. “Run!”
Malcolm and Dandy sped around the house to the gate. They nearly knocked it down pushing through. Malcolm closed it to keep the dogs in, but didn’t bother with the lock.
Malcolm raced down the street like someone was chasing him. Dandy galloped beside him, keeping tempo with Malcolm’s steps.
They nearly tripped over Cocoa in the front yard. She was stretched out in a chaise lo
unge, sunbathing.
“Watch it, slimeballs!” she yelled as she straightened her leopard print sunglasses with the butterscotch-yellow rhinestones.
They burst through the door, only to be met by Grandma Eunice. She was blocking their way with her wheelchair.
“Grandma, I need to get to the phone!”
“Have you seen him?” she asked, wearing a serious scowl.
“Seen who?”
“Bertram, that’s who.”
Malcolm fidgeted. “Grandma, no one’s around right now. You don’t have to pretend.”
She looked Malcolm straight in the eye. He could see her eyes were bright and clear. “I’m not pretending. I know he’s around. I don’t need that detector of yours to feel him. Have you seen him?”
Malcolm sighed. He knew he never should have filled in Grandma Eunice on his experience at the McBleaky House. Now she thought she could hunt ghosts, too. “No, I haven’t. He’s not here.”
“Oh, he’s here all right,” she said. “I can sense him.” She twirled her wheelchair around in a circle. “And I want my jellybeans!”
Malcolm and Dandy whipped around her and headed for the kitchen phone.
“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”
In the calmest voice possible, Malcolm said, “I’d like to report a break-in.”
CHAPTER SIX
I’M GONNA GET YOU
Malcolm and Dandy sprinted out the door. They hurdled over Cocoa and hurried off. Minutes later, they plopped down on the lawn across the street from the Millers’ house.
Then they waited. And waited . . . and waited . . . and waited. It was the second time that day that Malcolm had to wait on a government worker!
“How long has it been?” Dandy asked.
“Nearly ten minutes. They should be here soon.”
Dandy ran his fingers through the clumps of clover where he sat. “Maybe they got lost.”
“The police don’t get lost,” Malcolm informed him. “They have fancy GPS systems in their cars to guide them.”
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