by Naomi Niles
“Hi, Mom,” Haley whispered. Her tone had a heavy bent of sadness about it.
We sat there silently for a long time, just watching the wind in the trees and listening to the sounds of celebrations happening a few blocks over. It didn’t really feel like Thanksgiving, but that was okay. I was never much into hoopla anyway.
“She wasn’t strong enough,” Haley said suddenly.
“What?” I asked.
“Mom. She wasn’t strong enough to stand up to Dad. That was what really killed her… It wasn’t him; it was her own weakness.”
Taken back by what Haley had just said, I could only stare at her for a few moments. “You can’t really mean that.”
“I do,” she replied, in a deadpan voice. “She was free of him. He had left us…and still, she couldn’t hold out. She didn’t even bother staying alive for us.”
I had experienced those same emotions before. It was only natural, but I was under the impression that Haley and I had put those feelings behind us.
“Hales… Mom was struggling with depression,” I said gently. “That wasn’t going to go away just because Ethan left. She was still drowning – we just missed it.”
“We were kids! She should have been looking out for us!”
“I know,” I said. “But we can’t blame her for taking her own life. It was too much for her. She couldn’t take it anymore. Think of the pain she must have been in.”
“She was weak,” Haley said with finality as she stood up.
I got up and followed her out of the cemetery. We walked around the city for an hour or so, but the mood had changed considerably. It was always somber after we visited the cemetery, but this time was different. I could sense a dark cloud hanging over Haley, and it seemed unwilling to lift.
“Shall we get dinner?” I asked.
“Sure,” she nodded with disinterest.
We settled on a little Thai restaurant close to where we lived. It was a lovely meal, but I barely tasted a thing. I was worried about Haley’s mood, I was mourning my mother, and I was missing JJ. A part of me desperately wished I had accepted his offer and gone with him to Colorado, with or without Haley. After we finished dinner, we walked back home, and the moment we were back in the house, Haley excused herself and went to her room.
“Can I bring you anything?” I asked.
“Nope,” she replied, closing the door on me.
Sighing, I collapsed onto the sofa and got out my phone. I was tempted to call JJ, but I also didn’t want to intrude on his family Thanksgiving. I closed my eyes and let myself daydream about him for a little while.
Once I had frustrated myself to the point of insanity, I lifted myself off the couch and headed to the kitchen. I hadn’t wanted to do any cooking today, but stress usually drove me into the kitchen.
I decided to bake a cake, hoping that the smell would bring some warmth and comfort to the house. And, cake was the best comfort food, in my opinion. I decided to make a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting and a strawberry puree. I spent a happy hour baking, and by the end of it, I actually felt a little better. For me, there was nothing as cathartic as cooking.
Once the cake had cooled, I poured my vanilla glaze over it and decorated it with chocolate shavings and fresh strawberries. I poured my strawberry puree into a pitcher and put that on a tray. Then I cut a generous piece of the cake and added it to the tray with an iced glass of water. I lifted the tray and carried it to my sister’s room, hoping to surprise her with a sweet treat.
“Haley?” I said, to the closed door.
When I got no answer, I decided to slip inside anyway and place the tray by her bedside so that she would see it when she woke up. I pushed the door open with my side and walked in. The moment I did, I knew something was wrong. It was instinct that screamed of déjà vu.
My eyes darted to Haley, who was lying face up in bed with her hands thrown to one side in an awkward position. Then I saw the bottle by the bed.
“Sleeping pills,” I heard myself say.
It was the old nightmare, the one I had experienced over and over again after Mom died, but this time, it was real.
And it was Haley.
I screamed and the tray slipped from my hands and crashed down onto the floor.
“No,” I screamed, as I ran to her side. “No, no, no, no, NO!”
Chapter Twenty-Five
JJ
I heard a strange noise that sounded very much like clucking. Except that it was obvious the sound wasn’t natural and that it was coming from a person. I blinked and turned in bed, trying to figure out what on earth was happening.
As my eyes adjusted to the light, a shape began to take form, and I realized Sam was standing in front of me. He looked like he was naked and immediately, I sat up in bed.
“What the fuck?”
Sam laughed as he pranced around my room in what was clearly a thong with the image of a turkey on the front of it, where his junk hung.
“Oh God,” I said, scrunching my face up in disgust. Then I turned to the door and yelled as loud as I could, “Peter!”
Peter rushed through the door as though something was on fire. “What is…?”
He came to an abrupt stop as he caught sight of Sam in the turkey thong. “Oh God,” he said, as his eyebrows hit the ceiling.
“Can someone get a grip on this kid?” I demanded.
Peter shook his head slowly at Sam. “I think he’s beyond help at this point.”
Sam didn’t seem bothered in the least. He continued with his chicken dance, turning around so that we got an eyeful of the rear view. Both Peter and I averted our eyes with cries.
“No, please!” I screamed.
“Come on, dude!” Peter yelled, retreating from my room.
Thrilled at what was obviously the reaction he had wanted, Sam raced after Peter, leaving me alone in my room. Smiling slightly, I got out of bed and headed to the bathroom.
By the time I re-emerged, Sam was thankfully wearing shorts. He still didn’t have a shirt on, but I was glad of small victories. I was fairly sure he would have stayed in the thong had it not been for the fact that we had ladies in the house now.
Jessica and Madison were both up and in the kitchen with Peter, helping out with breakfast. Alan and Sam were playing cards in the living room, so I decided to join them. I recalled the previous day when we had finally come clean to Sam about what I was doing in California.
His eyes had disassociated for a while as the reality of what I had just told him set in. When he had looked at me again, I saw something like annoyance. He had asked maybe two questions before nodding and walking out of the room. The next time I had seen him, he had pretended as though the conversation had never happened. Peter had told me to leave it, Sam just needed to process it in his own time, and he hated anything overly serious. It was just his way of dealing.
Still, when I joined Sam and Alan at the table, I was genuinely curious about what they thought. I sat between them and the moment the cards we being shuffled; I posed a question, aiming it mainly at Sam.
“So… What do you think…about my being in California?” I asked, careful not to mention our mother.
I saw Sam’s shoulders tense slightly. Then he shrugged. “Your call,” he said. “Well…yours and Peter’s call, apparently. It’s not like you consulted me or Alan.”
Alan and I exchanged a glance and Sam noticed. “What?”
“Umm…I knew,” Alan admitted. “Peter told me right after John left to California.”
Sam threw his arms up into the air and huffed back in his seat. “Gee, thanks; as usual, I’m the last one to know.”
“Talen doesn’t know,” I reminded him.
“Talen’s barely around,” Sam pointed out. “There’s a lot he doesn’t know. Why wouldn’t you just tell me? It’s not like I would have stopped you?”
“I know,” I nodded. “And I should have told you sooner. It’s just that…”
“It’s just that what?”
/>
“You’re a little averse to talking about Mom sometimes,” I said gently. “I didn’t want to upset you by bringing it up.”
“And this is better?” Sam asked.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty.”
Sam shook his head. “My feelings about Mom are…complicated.”
“They are for all of us,” I pointed out.
“Okay,” Sam nodded. “But we each feel differently, you must admit that. Alan’s never been overly affected, Peter’s been curious but detached, you’ve been really keen to know what happened to her, and Talen… Well, I have no idea what Talen feels.”
“How do you feel?” I asked.
“I feel betrayed by her,” Sam admitted in a small voice. “And, I feel as though I missed out the most. I was only eight when she left. I want to know what she felt; leaving behind children who still needed her. I want to know what makes a mother make a decision like that?”
“We all do,” I said.
“Is that what you’re going to ask her…when you finally speak to her?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “I intend to ask her that very question.”
“And what if you don’t like the answer?” Sam asked.
“I will tell you guys, anyway,” I promised.
Sam looked suspicious. “Really?”
“You’re all grown men,” I said. “I’m not going to hide anything more from you guys at this point.”
Sam sighed. “Fine, then,” he said. “I can live with that.”
I smiled. “Good.”
“Okay,” Sam said, clapping his hands together. “Now can we cut the serious crap out of all the conversations and just have fun! It’s freakin’ Thanksgiving after all!”
I laughed. “Done,” I nodded.
Half an hour later, an elaborate breakfast graced the dining table. There were pancakes, waffles, bagels, and cream cheese. There were eggs in a variety of different forms, scrambled, fried, and poached. There was bacon, ham, crunchy potato wedges, maple syrup, toast, and a range of different juices and bowls of fruit that brought color to the table.
We sat down together and dug into the feast. I sat next to Madison to catch up with her on life with Peter.
“How have things been?” I asked. “He treating you right?”
Madison laughed. As usual, her hair was done up in a variety of different braids that she had woven intricately over her head. “He’s treating me right,” she nodded. “He’s amazing, your brother. I’ve never really been with a man like him.”
“And what kind of man is that?” I teased.
She laughed. “A gentleman,” she clarified. “I can only imagine he learned that from your father. I imagine you all did.”
I smiled. “Our father was nothing if not a gentleman,” I nodded. “And he was a one woman kind of guy, too.”
“Peter’s told me,” she nodded. “He really never remarried?”
“Never showed any interest,” I told her. “At one point there was gossip about this lady who used to bring around food every Thursday after Mom left, but it never amounted to anything.”
“He was really in love with her, huh?”
“Unfortunately, I think he loved her much more than she loved him,” I sighed. “Life’s like that, isn’t it? You read the novels and watch the movies, and you assume when two people fall for one another, they fall in equal measure, but that’s an idealistic notion.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Madison said thoughtfully. “I think Peter and I are doing well in that regard. So are Alan and Jessica, if you think about it.”
“Hmm, true,” I nodded. “But you guys are the lucky ones.”
Madison’s eyes were warm as she turned to me. “Peter told me about the girl you’re seeing…Kami, is that her name?”
“Yes,” I nodded, feeling a little tug in my chest at the mention of her name. It was an odd sensation, made stranger by the fact that it had never happened to me before.
“How are things going?”
“Slowly,” I said. “We’ve been on one real date, and she had me over for dinner the night before I came down here.”
“What’s she like?”
I glanced around the room, feeling as though I needed to open up to someone. I loved my brothers and valued their opinions, but they couldn’t give me a woman’s perspective.
“She’s beautiful,” I said honestly. “And, she’s talented and driven. But I think a part of her is a little…broken.”
“Broken?” Madison repeated.
“She’s had a hard life,” I said. “Her father was abusive, and her mother committed suicide when she was a teenager. It’s been her and her sister all this time. I think she’s had a few relationships, but I think they’ve only served to break her down further.”
She nodded. “I know something about that.”
“That’s right,” I nodded. “Your ex…”
“Kameron,” Madison said his name like it was poison. She turned to me and her eyes had a fierce sense of fight in them. “The thing is, we often give men too much power. We let them tear us down. I’m sure that’s what happened to Kami, too. Which is why you will be so important in her life.”
“I will?”
“You have to set the standard,” Madison went on. “You have to show her that you’re different from the men she’s been with. You have to build her up again. That’s what Peter did for me. He made me see how strong I am. He made me see the beauty in myself.”
I nodded. “Does it really work?” I asked. “I thought insecurity is something that always stays with you.”
“It is to an extent,” Madison nodded. “But the fact is, it can lessen…with the right guy.”
I nodded and smiled. “So when are we going to hear wedding bells for you and Pete?”
Madison blushed a little. “Oh, we’re not there yet,” she laughed. “But he did give me this promise ring. So it’s going to happen sometime in the future.”
I nodded. “I’m glad for you…and for Peter. He couldn’t have gotten himself a better girl.”
She smiled. “Thanks, JJ.”
We spent a relaxing afternoon at home and then we piled into two cars and headed for the Thanksgiving Day parade. The crowds were huge and the atmosphere was electric. Despite my preoccupied thoughts, I actually enjoyed myself. The only person missing was Talen.
Peter sidled up to me while the parade was in full swing. “Talen didn’t make it.”
“No,” I said. “Did you expect him to? Parades are not really his thing.”
“He could make more of an effort, though,” Peter sighed. “We are his family.”
“Be patient with him,” I advised. “Talen’s always been someone who does things in his own time.”
Peter nodded and looked out over the crowd. “You’re right,” he said. “I should just try and enjoy myself. We’re all together now, that’s what matters.”
We stayed till dark and gorged ourselves on hot dogs and street food. Then we traipsed back to the house, full and ready for a good night’s sleep. I was about to retire to my room when I decided to glance at my phone. I froze in place when I saw a dozen missed calls from Kami.
I rushed into my room and called her back immediately. She picked up on the first ring; her voice was strained and panicky. “JJ?”
“Kami?” I said, with concern. “What’s wrong?”
“Haley,” she gasped. “It’s Haley… She’s done it, she’s actually done it.”
“Done what?” I asked. “Kami, slow down and tell me what’s wrong.”
“She took a bunch of sleeping pills,” she said, breaking into sobs. “Just like Mom did. She…she tried to kill herself.”
“Oh God,” I breathed. “Where are you now?”
“At…at the hospital,” Kami sobbed. “She’s in the emergency room. I don’t know anything. She could already be dead for all I know.”
“I’m taking the first flight out of here,” I said immediately. “I’ll
be with you in a couple of hours.”
“JJ,” she cried. “She’s all I have. She’s my only family.”
“Stay strong, Kami,” I said urgently. “I’ll be with you soon. Do you hear me? I’ll be with you soon.”
“Yes, okay.”
I hung up and rushed outside. Everyone was still in the living room, about to retire for the night. “Is everything all right?” Peter asked, looking up with concern.
“No, it’s not,” I said. “I need to get on the first flight out of here.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Kami
It was a strange feeling. It was almost as though I was in one of my old nightmares – except there was no escape. I couldn’t wake myself no matter how hard I tried. Every time I looked around the hospital room, I kept getting little reminders of what had happened before.
Could a person really be so unlucky as to have the same thing happen twice? I had always been under the impression that you only got struck by lightning once. And yet, here I was again, facing the same nightmare. Apparently in some cases, lightning struck twice. I was sitting in the waiting room with my face in my hands when a voice called my name.
“Ms. Delouch?”
I glanced up and saw a short doctor in a white coat. I stood immediately and almost ran into him. “Are you all right?” he asked, reaching out and steadying me.
“I…yes, I’m sorry,” I said, tripping over my words.
“That’s all right,” he replied with a kind smile. “I’m Doctor Mathers.”
“How is my sister?” I asked immediately.
“She’s stable for now,” he said, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Stable,” I repeated. “Does that mean she’s conscious?”
The doctor paused for a moment. “She swallowed a lot of pills, but we were able to flush her system. Given the state of her condition, we were forced to put her into a medically induced coma.”
“She’s…in a coma?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“But you’ll be able to take her out of it, right?”