The Adventures of a Wimpy Superhero

by Tim Collins

  Will it be pretty? Probably not. But they should have thought about that before they broke the law.

  We’re going to unleash the combined fury of The East Dudchester League of Costumed Vigilantes (incorporating The Central Region Masked Crime-Fighters Society) and the baddies won’t know what’s hit them.

  I still can’t believe I’ve been invited to join a proper crime-fighting team. I haven’t been this excited since I watched the live webcast of the Ratman vs Astonishingboy movie announcement at last year’s ComicBinge Convention.

  MONDAY 1ST FEBRUARY

  We had a science quiz this morning, and I totally forgot about it. I got just five out of twenty, which was my worst ever score. I don’t care, though. I’ve been invited to join a league of costumed vigilantes. That’s the only qualification I’ll need for an amazing future.

  Henry came top of the class with nineteen out of twenty and tried to gloat at me in the lunch hall, but he could tell he was having no effect.

  ‘Why have you stopped caring about tests?’ he asked as he took his sandwiches out of his lunch box. ‘Have you been fighting crime without me like you promised you wouldn’t?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘I found a mint copy of Ratman issue 36 in a charity shop for 30p and it made me too excited to revise.’

  ‘Oh really?’ asked Henry. ‘Which cover does that one have again?’

  Why did I try and lie about comics to Henry? I should have picked a topic he knows nothing about like sport or dancing or girls.

  ‘It shows Ratman swinging on a rope with a skyscraper in the background,’ I said.

  ‘Nice try,’ said Henry. ‘But that only describes issues 3, 14, 15 and 92 from the golden age. That proves you’ve been fighting crime.’

  I tried to eat my sandwich, but he kept prodding me in the cheek and asking me to tell him the truth. Of all the trials I thought I’d face as a costumed vigilante, I didn’t expect being poked in the cheek while trying to eat a cheese and ham sandwich would feature highly. But I managed it, and I’m counting it as another heroic victory.

  Henry can irritate me all he likes. I’m not getting him involved in the League. Our work is too important to let liabilities like him hang around.

  TUESDAY 2ND FEBRUARY

  I’m just back from my first meeting of The East Dudchester League of Costumed Vigilantes (incorporating The Central Region Masked Crime-Fighters Society) and I’m too excited to sleep.

  I arrived at Dan’s house at half seven and he led me down a corridor with framed newspaper articles on the walls and large bottles of water stacked on the floor. He stopped in front of a bookshelf and pulled out a copy of Crime and Punishment. The shelf swung open like a door, revealing steps down to the basement I saw the other day. The other costumed vigilantes were waiting down there.

  There was a middle-aged couple sitting on the sofa nearest to the garage door. A teenage girl was standing behind them and looking at her phone. They were all wearing green costumes with red capes and a blue letter ‘A’ sewn on the front.

  ‘I’m Mr Amazing,’ said the man. He put his arm around the woman. ‘And this is my wife Mrs Amazing. And that’s our daughter, Amazagirl.’

  ‘Amy Gibson,’ muttered the girl without taking her eyes off her phone.

  ‘We agreed not to give away our real names, didn’t we, dear?’ asked Mr Amazing, forcing a smile.

  ‘Whoops,’ said Amazagirl. ‘Silly me.’

  There were two men over at the table by the far wall. The first was holding a tangle of wires and the second was holding a circuit board.

  ‘I’m Doctor Infinity,’ said the first. He was wearing a blue costume with a sideways number eight on the front. ‘And my desire to fight crime knows no limits.’

  ‘And I’m Pi,’ said the other. He was wearing a red costume with a funny squiggle on the front. ‘And I’m irrational about crime.’

  ‘I am a real doctor,’ said Doctor Infinity. ‘But only of applied mathematics. So don’t ask me for help with your medical ailments.’

  ‘Unless you’re suffering from a partial fraction,’ said Pi.

  They started laughing and I did my best to join in.

  ‘I’m The Loner,’ I said. I tried to say it in my secret deep voice, but it sent me into a coughing fit and everyone had to wait for it to stop.

  Amazagirl looked up from her phone. ‘You know it says “The Loser” on the back of your cape, right?’

  ‘Printing error,’ I said. ‘But printing errors aren’t important. Fighting crime is. And I hate crime.’

  ‘Good,’ said Army Dan. ‘Because we all hate crime too, don’t we?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Mr Amazing.

  ‘Absolutely,’ said Mrs Amazing.

  ‘Affirmative,’ said Doctor Infinity and Pi.

  ‘Technically vigilantism is illegal too,’ said Amazagirl. ‘So that means we hate ourselves. Which is understandable.’

  Dan wandered over to one of the tables and picked up a black box with four aerials. ‘We’ve been intercepting the gang’s phone calls and we’ve discovered they’re planning to ram raid an electronics store in the Castle Leys area on Thursday. We’re going to stop their little plan.’

  ‘Yay!’ I shouted. ‘Justice!’

  ‘Lame,’ murmured Amazagirl.

  ‘I’m going to lay tacks along the road leading to the store’s window,’ said Mrs Amazing.

  ‘I’m going to dress up as a policeman and divert innocent motorists away from the danger,’ said Mr Amazing.

  ‘I’m going to remotely lock the doors of their van with this,’ said Doctor Infinity. He picked up a black plastic square and flicked a switch on the side. ‘And then I’m going to lower the windows with this.’ He pressed a button on the front.

  ‘Then I’m going to fire these at the criminals,’ said Pi. He picked up a dart gun with a long barrel and slotted a syringe in the end of it. ‘They contain enough ketamine to knock out a horse.’

  ‘When the criminals have been neutralized, I’m going to tie them up and leave them for the police,’ said Dan, holding up some thick ropes. ‘They’ll probably still get off scot-free, knowing our feeble law enforcers. But it will send a message to the guy who’s really behind all this stuff. He runs all the criminal gangs in this town and he’s known as Vercetti.’

  I realized Dan hadn’t assigned me a role, so I fumbled through my utility belt. ‘I could shine my torch into the Van,’ I said. ‘To make sure you’re aiming the dart correctly.’

  Pi flicked a switch on the top of the dart gun and a bright white light shone down the barrel.

  ‘Oh,’ I said. I lifted my tape measure off my utility belt. ‘I could measure the distance from the window to the road, to make sure you put the tacks in the right place.’

  ‘Er ...’ said Army Dan. ‘Yeah, why not?’

  WEDNESDAY 3RD FEBRUARY

  I can’t believe I’m going to fight some actual criminals tomorrow. I knew I’d make a brilliant superhero but I never dreamed I’d get so far so soon. It proves I’m made for it.

  All that time I wasted in the chess club and the role-playing games club when I should have been fighting crime. It’s my destiny.

  Tomorrow is going to be amazing – I can already see it.

  THURSDAY 4TH FEBRUARY

  I spent this evening looking through my Ratman comics for inspiration. I keep all my back issues in clear bags backed by cardboard, and only take them out on special occasions.

  Ratman has been going since 1938. He initially battled local crime bosses using weapons of his own invention, but he soon began to fight more flamboyant baddies such as Crossword Clue and Panthergirl. A television show of the comic was made in the 1960s, but it was camp and over-the-top and proper Ratman fans like me don’t regard it as canon.

  Comics are as serious as Victorian novels, Shakespeare plays and classical symphonies and it makes my blood boil when people think they’re just disposable trash for kids.

  Mum thinks I’ll eventually grow out o
f comics, but she’s wrong. Whenever I go into a proper comic shop I see lots of middle-aged men who are just as excited about them as me. When I’m older I’m going to be just like them. Except hopefully I’ll smell a bit nicer.

  The seriousness of comics was shown in the 1980s when writer Thurston Baxton took over the Ratman title. He turned Ratman into a complex character who spent ages on top of tall buildings pondering the nature of good and evil before beating baddies up. These comics inspired the recent Ratman movie series by acclaimed director Crispin Canterbury, which is so serious you can’t hear what the actors are saying properly.

  My evening of looking at my Ratman back issues has fully prepared me to get out there and battle some criminals. Now I’m just waiting for Mum and Dad’s snoring to start so I can jump on the Lonerbike and race over to Dan’s house.

  Just heard them. Here goes!

  FRIDAY 5TH FEBRUARY

  I stayed off school today and pretended I had flu. I’m feeling better now, so I’m going to write down everything I can remember about the mission.

  I arrived at Dan’s house just as everyone was piling into the van. Mr Amazing read my name out, waited for me to say ‘present’ and ticked me off his list.

  I squeezed onto the wooden bench running down the left side of the vehicle. Amazagirl was next to me, but she didn’t look up from her phone when I tried to chat to her about how exciting it all was. Opposite us, Doctor infinity was fiddling with the phone jammer while Pi typed on a small laptop.

  We parked a few metres down from the electronics store and I got out and performed my duty. I heroically stretched my tape measure out from the edge of the store’s shop into the road. Pi had estimated it would take eighty metres for the criminals’ van to come to a stop, so I extended my tape measure to its full extent eight times and marked the place with a piece of chalk every time it was fully stretched out. Finally, I traced an X on the floor and Mrs Amazing came out and scattered the tacks across the road next to it.

  Mr Amazing put his police jacket on and went to divert the traffic, and Doctor infinity and Pi snuck into an alleyway with their remote control and dart gun. Dan disappeared into the shadows on the other side of the street, while Amazagirl stayed in the van and looked at her phone. I’m not sure why she came, really. She didn’t seem very eager to battle crime.

  I hung around next to the van, grasping my tape measure in case anyone needed anything else measuring. As I was listening out for the van, I heard loud voices coming from the alleyway. I peered into the darkness. Doctor infinity and Pi were being hassled by a gang of drunk men. One of them was pulling Doctor Infinity’s cape while another was trying to snatch the dart gun from Pi.

  ‘Give me that gun,’ shouted one of the drunk men. ‘I want to kill a pigeon.’

  I ran over and threw a Lonersnap to the ground to get their attention.

  ‘I am The Loner and I demand you clear the area for your own safety,’ I shouted.

  ‘How come it says “The Loser” on the back of your costume?’ asked one of the men.

  ‘It was a spelling error,’ I said. ‘But that’s not important. What’s important is that you go now before things get dangerous.’ I threw two more Lonersnaps to the floor to show how serious I was.

  ‘Things are already dangerous for you losers,’ said another of the men. In the gloom I spotted him punching Doctor infinity in the stomach.

  Doctor infinity groaned and then shouted, ‘Grab this, Loner.’ A black box spun out of the alley towards me and I caught it with my right hand.

  ‘Take over,’ shouted Pi. The dart gun flew from the alley and I caught it with my left hand.

  I tried to get over my shock at catching the objects one after another. I can’t usually catch a tennis ball when I have both hands free.

  I looked down at the remote control and dart gun and began to realize what was happening. The most important part of the mission had been entrusted to me. It was all up to me now.

  I heard wheels screeching at the bottom of the road.

  ‘Go!’ shouted Pi. ‘Quick!’

  I turned to see a white van speeding towards the electronics store. There was a loud pop as the tyres hit the tacks and the vehicle skidded across the road. It listed to the side and nearly tipped over before coming to a stop.

  This was it. My chance to make the mission a success. I sprinted towards the van and flicked the switch on the side of the remote. I heard a click coming from the van. Inside I saw a man wearing a mask grabbing the inside door handle. It stayed shut.

  Good. I’d completed the first part of my mission. I just needed to focus and I could do the rest.

  I pressed the button on the front of the remote for a second and the window slid down part way. The masked man was screaming at me, but I paid no attention. It was time to hit the baddies with some vengeance.

  I stuffed the remote control under my arm and gripped the dart gun. The masked man’s arm shot out of the window and scrabbled around for the outside handle. I pulled the trigger and a dart flew out. It bounced off the lowered window and sped to the ground.

  I stepped nearer to get a better shot. This time the dart deflected upward and arced to the ground behind me.

  I stepped closer again. This time the dart bounced off the metal frame of the window and flew straight back at me. There was a sharp stinging in my neck and my head began to feel really heavy. I knew I was doing something really important and needed to concentrate. But I also had a really strong feeling that going to sleep would be a good idea.

  And that’s all I remember.

  SATURDAY 6TH FEBRUARY

  I think the tranquilizer has completely worn off now but I might stay in bed anyway, just to make sure.

  When I came round from the dart, it was morning and I was lying on a sofa in Dan’s basement. He told me the mission had worked out fine. After I’d collapsed, he’d grabbed the gun and fired darts into the Van. He’d aimed perfectly both times and knocked both the robbers out. He’d fought off the drunken men attacking Doctor Infinity and Pi while Mrs Amazing had carried me back to our Van. They’d left the criminals and tipped off the police, who’d arrived soon after.

  I managed to prop myself up on the sofa and Dan gave me a bottle of Coke. I was halfway through it when I realized it was half past six and I needed to get back home before Mum and Dad woke up.

  I leapt onto the Lonerbike and cycled home as fast as I could, which wasn’t very. I was so dazed from the tranquilizer that I kept zigzagging from side to side. I was lucky it was still too early for many other cars or pedestrians to be about.

  I got home, tied up my bike, climbed to my room and got into bed just in time to hear my parents’ alarm going off.

  I was tired, hot and pale. At least convincing them I had the flu wasn’t a problem.

  SUNDAY 7TH FEBRUARY

  I felt much better this morning, so I decided to take a walk in Edgeley Park. A girl walking a golden Labrador looked over at me and said, ‘Hi, Loser!’

  ‘It’s The Loner,’ I said. ‘Not The Loser.’

  Then I realized what she’d said. My secret identity had been discovered! How had this happened? Was she working for the criminal gang? Was she about to set the dog on me? it didn’t look like a very Vicious dog, but that might have been part of the disguise.

  ‘Who sent you?’ I asked. ‘How do you know about me?’

  ‘It’s me,’ said the girl. ‘Amy Gibson. My parents call me “Amazagirl”, but they also think Max is called “Amazadog”, so I wouldn’t take any notice of them.’

  I stuck my fingers in my ears and said, ‘Don’t reveal your secret identity! It could compromise our missions!’

  ‘Our missions are already compromised because they’re run by a total psycho,’ she said. ‘My parents are way out of their depth with Dan and so are you. I used to think their historical battle recreation society was bad, but at least they only dragged me along to that in the daytime.’

  I grabbed my face and remembered I
wasn’t wearing my mask. ‘How did you even recognize me?’

  ‘Because it’s obviously you,’ she said. ‘covering the top half of your face and putting on a deep voice that makes you cough isn’t a great disguise, you know.’

  I couldn’t believe it. All Astonishingboy has to do is put on a pair of glasses to disguise himself as a mild-mannered reporter. I use a proper mask and it has no effect!

  ‘I think we should stop this conversation,’ I said. ‘It could turn out to be very dangerous. Let’s never speak about it again.’

  ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Whatever, Josh.’

  MONDAY 8TH FEBRUARY

  It turns out my secret identity isn’t quite as secret as I thought. Apparently Dan checked my wallet when I was tranquilized on Thursday.

  Amy says I shouldn’t worry because they all know each other’s identities anyway. Dan is called Dan Marshall and he used to be in the army before starting his own hydraulic equipment company. A few years ago he sold it and put his money into fighting crime.

  Doctor Infinity and Pi are two mathematics postgraduates from the university called Mike and Nick. Dan pays them a small wage to develop crime-fighting equipment for him.

  Amy’s parents are called Malcolm and Alice Gibson and they live in one of the nice houses that back onto the park. Dan recruited them when he spotted them cleaning graffiti from an underpass with their costumes on. He used the same method of bundling them into his van and driving them back to his basement, which they thought was too dramatic.