My Biggest Mistake

by Leddy Harper

  After a long exhale, he began explaining. “Yes, I was up most of the night. She came over and we talked—argued about what was right. I knew it was inevitable from the moment you showed back up. She started growing distant, and even when we were together, it was as if she had mentally checked out. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t want to accept it because that meant I’d have to face reality. And I wasn’t ready for that. She told me that I needed to work things out with you, and she wouldn’t be a part of it until a decision had been reached between us. Either we work things out or we sign the divorce papers. But even if we decided to sign the papers, that didn’t mean she would come back. I had to sign those on my own without the influence of a relationship with her.

  “I wasn’t ready to let her go, but that had nothing to do with my feelings for her. It had everything to do with my feelings for you. I honestly thought you left to chase after something—a man, your freedom, anything other than what you had gone in search of. And I didn’t want to give into you. I thought you came back because you realized the grass wasn’t greener, and I wasn’t about to roll over and just take you back after you went in search of something better than me. But I also knew that as long as you held onto hope for us, I would never be able to move on. It wasn’t even so much about me moving on with Beth…just moving on in general. Did I have feelings for her? Yes. It’s kind of hard not to grow some sort of feelings when you’re around that person every single day. She helped me with the kids, she helped with the house, and she was there for me when my dad had his stroke. Not just to take care of things while I worked and dealt with my parents, but she was physically there for me, making sure I was doing okay and taking care of myself. She essentially became my wife, the kids’ mother, doing everything you would’ve done had you been here. So yes, I had feelings for her. But I wouldn’t say I loved her.”

  “But you didn’t want her to leave you?” I surprisingly wasn’t upset over his confession. I knew they were in a relationship, and I knew I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. I won’t lie, it wasn’t the easiest thing to listen to, but I had already expected it.

  “No,” he said, shaking his head without taking his eyes off my face. “I didn’t want her to leave me. But only because I knew if she did, I would have to face you. And I didn’t think I was ready for that. The few interactions I’d had with you prior to that left me worse off than before. So I wanted to avoid you as much as possible. But she wouldn’t let me.”

  “She knew why I left,” I confessed, not really sure why I decided to admit that.

  “What do you mean? You told her you were leaving?” His question was full of betrayal, and it made me regret ever saying anything. I thought Beth had told him.

  “She knew I had to leave to get…my tubes tied and that I would be gone for a little bit.”

  “So you talked to her and not me?” He released my hands and turned back in his seat to face the windshield, gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.

  I wanted to reach for him, but knew it would do me no good. So I sat in my seat, facing him, and began to explain what I could. “Yes and no. I talked to her about not being able to have more kids, and about how overwhelmed I felt all the time. But she didn’t know to the extent of what I was going through. Every time I tried to talk about it, I stopped because I couldn’t put into words what was going on in my head. She thought my problems were just because I was exhausted with the kids, she never knew how deep my depression was. And I couldn’t go to you about not wanting more children, I told you that. I told you my reasons,” I cried softly, my words barely audible.

  He turned his head to look at me and the expression in his eyes gutted me. They were small and glassy, the blue had deepened so much I could no longer see the pupils. “You could’ve come to me. I would’ve understood. Please, never make that mistake again. Don’t ever assume that you can’t come to me about anything or that I wouldn’t understand what you’re going through. Edie, when I said better or worse, I meant it. In sickness and in health. You just have to trust me.”

  I nodded, knowing he meant what he’d said, yet I knew that if he ever found out the real reason I’d left, he wouldn’t stand by my side. He can’t promise better or worse when he has no clue how bad my worst was.

  “Since we’re talking about the past again, can you please tell me about those first few months after you left here? You said they were really bad. I need to know how bad.” His hands were no longer grasping the steering wheel for dear life. Instead, he had leaned back in his seat with his head against the headrest and stared at me.

  “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

  “You know I’ll never push you on things, but I need you to open up about this. I need to know what happened and what you went through. We have to be able to move forward, Edie. And to do that, we need to bury the past.”

  I swallowed harshly and then began to tell him all that I could. “Well, I drove to Ohio, the last place I knew my father lived, but he wasn’t there. So I stayed and made an appointment to get my tubes tied. I rented one of those pay-by-the-week rooms because I hadn’t planned to be there long, only long enough to heal after the surgery. But things just got really bad and I didn’t think I could come back home. So I decided to stay longer and got an apartment. That alone made me more depressed, but it felt final. It made me feel like it was all real, I had left my family. I can’t explain how I felt or how bad it was because everything was so dark in my head. I wanted to die. I couldn’t live without you or the kids, but I couldn’t go back home. I felt stuck.

  “The longer I stayed there, the worse it all became. Every day I’d think about just coming home and beg you to forgive me, but then I’d picture your anger and imagine you telling me that we were over. And I knew I wouldn’t survive living in the same town with you and the kids but not being with you. I don’t even know how long that went on for. I barely ate, slept all the time, and lived in a constant state of darkness. But I eventually met Jan, and she helped me through it. She’s the one that helped me see that I had suffered from depression.”

  “Are you taking anything for it?”

  I shook my head, but decided to elaborate. “No. She had suggested a few times that I look into it, but I didn’t want to. So we ended up just talking about things and working through it that way. She had me do some exercises, like the journals and role-playing things. It took a lot longer to heal that way, but eventually, I was able to get over most of it. I still suffer with depression, and I don’t think it will ever go away, but at least now I feel like I can function. If that makes any sense.”

  “What do you mean by you still deal with it? How? I mean, like what kinds of things make you depressed?” Donnie had always shown a sincerity with me, even from the first day we met. It was what made me fall in love with him in the first place. It didn’t matter what had happened in his life, if I was down or sad or hurt, he was there. Always. And this time proved no different.

  “I don’t know. I battle with feelings of inadequacy, like I’m not good enough for you. I constantly fear that you’ll decide you don’t want to be with me anymore. Or that the kids won’t love me. I know it sounds ridiculous—I’m the one that left. And I think that’s the root of it all. I fucked up and ran away, and I live in a constant state of fear that I will never be forgiven.”

  Donnie opened up his door and stepped out of the van. My heart lodged itself in my throat and my stomach knotted so tightly I worried I’d vomit. Fear consumed me and threatened to take me down until my door opened and Donnie leaned inside, taking me into his arms.

  He held me tight, burying his head into the crook of my neck. My arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him impossibly closer to me, holding on as if I’d die if he’d let go. The muscles in my arms ached from the embrace, quaking like the air around me was below freezing.

  I didn’t ever want to let him go.

  I didn’t ever want him to let me go.

  “You are
forgiven. I forgive you. The kids too.” He pulled back and held my face in his hands, forcing me to look into his eyes as he spoke. “We wouldn’t have been so hurt…so broken if we didn’t love you that much. You and the kids are my whole world, Edie. My everything. You were my reason to breathe. And then you left and took my oxygen with you. That wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t love you that much. It doesn’t matter how long it took you to come home, the only thing that matters is that you’re here. My heart can beat again. I can breathe again. And I will never give that up. I can promise you that. So please, never worry about me leaving or that we’ll stop loving you. That will never happen.”

  I didn’t know that I’d started to cry until he wiped a tear away. And I didn’t know I had a smile on my face until I registered his. I grabbed his face, feeling the soft hairs on his cheek against my palm, and pulled his mouth to mine. “I love you, Donovan Leery,” I whispered and then sealed the words with my lips on his.

  He smiled against my lips and whispered, “I love you, too,” before backing away to look me in the eyes. “Unless there’s something you need to tell me that has happened in the past, we are closing that door. No more talking about what happened or why. It’s over, and all we need to worry and focus on is the present and the future. So…is there anything you want to tell me?”

  I mulled it over for a moment, knowing I still had something he didn’t know about, but decided against telling him. I couldn’t bear to talk about it, and prayed it would never be uncovered. “No. Nothing. Anything you want to tell me?”

  He shook his head and gave me one more chaste kiss on the lips. “Now that that’s settled, let’s move on.” He closed my door before heading back to the driver’s side.

  We picked the kids back up after our drive and headed back to the house. I tucked the kids in after reading each a bedtime story and giving them all goodnight kisses. I made my way back to Donnie’s room just as he stepped out of his clothes and only stood in his boxers. My mouth salivated at the sight of him, much like it always did.

  “The kids are in bed,” I said as I closed the door behind me.

  He turned to me and his eyes went small, almost squinting at my form standing in front of the closed door. “Okay. I have work in the morning and the kids have to go to school.”

  My stomach dropped to the floor with the immense sense of rejection that came over me. I should have known better than to assume he’d want me to stay, or that anything would happen between us. My head fell as I nodded and turned around to leave.

  Before I had the doorknob turned all the way, his arms came around my midsection and he had my body pressed against the cold wood of the door. One hand found its way into my hair and my neck craned back until his lips were against mine. His hot breath spread across my skin as he spoke. “That didn’t mean I want you to leave.”

  “I just assumed…”

  “Stop assuming,” he teased as his tongue stroked the skin on my neck. “All I meant was that we should get ready for bed.”

  “Oh. I don’t have anything to wear and I feel dirty after not having a shower all day.” My voice was breathy and soft, showing just how much Donnie affected my senses when he was so close to me.

  “Then maybe you should take a shower. And then you can wear one of my shirts. I’ve always loved you in my clothes.”

  Goose bumps broke out across my skin and body parts began to tingle and burn like a wildfire. My mouth wouldn’t function enough to form words and only left me with the ability to nod my head in agreement. Donnie left a few more kisses on my neck before leading me to the bathroom and to the large shower we had built while remodeling the house.

  He began to undress me, slowly and seductively. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t function. All I could do was stand there and watch as he took off my clothes one article at a time. I had been waiting years for this moment. The night on my patio had been too quick, too rushed, too desperate, but this moment felt different. It felt full of emotional desire and love. After pulling my panties down my legs, he began to stand up, trailing kissing along my inner thighs until he reached my lower abdomen. A long sigh escaped his lips and caressed my skin with heat. I knew what he meant without the need to hear it voiced. My decision to halt any chances of further children didn’t sit easy with him, and I wished there was a way I could make it easier, but I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t erase it, nor did I want to. After knowing how hard it was on me after the twins, I knew I wouldn’t survive more. I could only hope he would eventually understand and accept it. Even though he said he did, I knew it couldn’t have been an easy pill to swallow.

  The water turned on behind me and he used his weight to move me beneath the warm spray. He followed me in with his lips on mine, taking away any thought I had. All I could think about and concentrate on were his lips on me, and where it would lead. I desperately needed to feel closer to him in any way I could. My body had longed for him, and the other night only made the longing worse. Yet at the same time, it gave me a sense of fear. Fear that things would never be the same with us again.

  Donnie used to be so attentive to me, and that one night on my patio was enough to give me anxiety that everything had changed. That I had ruined him so much he’d lost the ability to be a passionate lover. But the way his lips trailed over my body, and the way his hands caressed my skin in such a light, loving manner, eased that fear some.

  “What are you doing, Donnie?” I asked on an exhale, my words echoing softly around us in the tiled stall.

  He continued to kiss his way back to my neck, laughing to himself. “If you have to ask, Edie, then I’m not doing it right. I’ve never had any complaints before.”

  My stupid, sick brain chose to twist his words into something he never said. It took them and translated it into meaning Beth had never complained. I felt my body go rigid and tried with every ounce of strength I had in me to push the insecurities away. I couldn’t afford to think that way. I couldn’t handle the emotions those thoughts induced.

  He must’ve felt the shift in my mood because he held my face in his hands and waited until my eyes locked with his. Just the sight of them alone had been enough to calm my aching soul, but then he spoke, and left me unable to second-guess anything. “I’m about to get you real dirty so I can clean you up.”

  My breath hitched as he moved one hand from my face to between my legs. His fingers found the spot capable of turning my brain off and my body into a pliable substance for him to manipulate in any way he pleased. The way he touched me felt so different from any other time before. Certainly different from the other night. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what was different, but it wasn’t anything like I remembered from our time together in the past. Calm yet harsh. Tender yet fevered. It made no sense. This man was no stranger to my body, yet it felt like the first time he’d ever touched me.

  My leg slipped up his thigh, opening myself up for him more. It was instinct, basic and primal. With only a few strokes, he had my body wound so tight I grew impatient for the release I knew he could give me. His mouth met my shoulder and his teeth sank into my flesh as two fingers pushed into me. A swarm of emotions invaded my body all at once. I cried out, not from pain, but from the euphoria that had washed over me and continued to run through me, threatening to take me under like a riptide.

  His hand stilled as he let out a hot stream of breath against my warm skin, leaving it chilled beneath the warm water that cascaded over our bodies. “Edie…” he whispered into my ear, teasing the lobe with his lips, “I need this, probably more than you do. Hold on for me, please. Don’t end it too soon. Don’t come before I’m ready for you to. Do you think you can do that for me?”

  I couldn’t answer him. Even though he’d halted his movements, it didn’t halt the sensations that swept through me. I wanted to tell him what he longed to hear, but I just couldn’t form the words.

  His fingers started to move in and out of me again as he cupped his palm against my mound, applying the rig
ht amount of pressure against my aching core to send my head into a tailspin. “Edie, I promise, if you can hold on, I’ll make it worth your while. I just need this to last a little while. I need this. Please,” he begged, which caused me to nod and agree. He could’ve asked me anything at that point and I would’ve agreed.

  He continued to assault me with his hand while alternating between biting and kissing various parts of my upper body. His other hand desperately groped my breast, kneading it and pinching my nipples as I fought hard to hold on to my promise to him. The ache between my legs had grown tenfold, causing my breathing to turn erratic and desperate.

  “I know you need to come, Edie, I can feel it. But please hold out for a little bit longer. I’m not ready for this to end. I’m not ready stop touching you yet,” he said before taking my mouth with his, slowly invading me with his warm tongue.

  I knew exactly what he meant. I wasn’t ready for it to end, either, but my body felt so tight I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold on for much longer. His mouth moved from my face to my breasts as he took one nipple in at a time, scratching me softly with the short hairs around his mouth. He swirled the hard pebble around his tongue before sucking on it hard and then pinching it between his teeth gently. That only caused me to ride his fingers harder, matching the harsh intensity of his thrusts.

  He slowly moved further down my body, leaving behind a warm trail of kisses until he knelt on the tile floor in front of me. His eyes locked with mine and a smile took hold of his entire face, never once letting up on the momentum of his fingers inside of me. His lips softly grazed my inner thigh, skipped over the part that ached for him the most, and then continued with the trail of kisses on the other leg. One more glance up at me and then I felt it. His warm tongue torturously licked through my wet folds before finding the pulsating nub that begged for his attention.

  My hands moved to his hair, pulling on it roughly as he hooked one leg over his shoulder and began humming against my sex. He never removed his fingers from inside of me, but instead of thrusting them, he swept them against my inner walls, adding yet another sensation to my already taxing body.