by Leddy Harper
Ever since coming home and finding out about the relationship between Beth and Donnie, I felt betrayed. It wasn’t until that exact moment, hearing her words, that I realized how very different the reality was. She helped me see that the image I had in my head of their relationship wasn’t as picture perfect as I had once thought. She was right, nobody would’ve won.
“All that matters is,” she continued, “is that you’re here, where you belong. And you’re working things out with Donnie. Does that mean you’ve told him everything? That you guys have talked about it?”
“We’ve talked. I gave him one of the journals I kept and we talked about those years. I think we’ve gotten to a good place. I just wanted to talk to you because I don’t want to hold on to this feeling of betrayal anymore.”
Her eyes glistened in the sun, revealing the emotions that must’ve been running through her. “I hate that you feel betrayed. That’s not what I wanted to happen. For a while, I told myself that I stuck around to keep him available for you. I wanted to make sure everyone was okay, and that when you recovered, you’d still have a place in their lives. And then over time, we all thought you weren’t coming back, and again, I justified sticking around because…what if you came back?”
“If we don’t work out, will you go after him again?”
Her eyes squinted again, but this time, she didn’t look away from me. “I won’t lie to you, Edie, I love him. I’m not in love with him, but you can’t be around someone, in the way I was, and not grow those kinds of feelings. But to answer your question, no. I wouldn’t go after him. I don’t think our relationship was real. I think it was based on two people that loved and missed you very much, and found a common comfort in each other.”
My mind became jumbled with thoughts, overcome with emotion that I couldn’t seem to sort through. I knew Donnie, and I knew Beth. There was a reason he was the love of my life and she was my best friend. They are both amazing people—loving, kind, caring. I would be blind to think they wouldn’t see those things in each other. Part of me felt bad for Beth, that she’d spent two years with a man that even she knew would never love her the way she deserved, and that I was the reason for that. I wanted her to be happy—have always wanted that for her—and it saddens me that she gave up her happiness to make sure I could still have mine.
“Is he okay about the whole baby situation?” she asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I nodded and cleared my throat. “He’s upset about it, which I expected, but he understands. Now that he has a better understanding of what I went through after the boys, and how bad the depression got, he gets it.”
“Good, that’s all that matters. I’m glad he is able to understand what that must’ve been like for you. To have to make that decision. And that it wasn’t made lightly.”
I opened my mouth to say something, to clarify exactly what Donnie knew and what he didn’t, but my phone rang, interrupting my thought. Donnie’s name flashed on the screen, and as soon as my eyes met Beth’s, she averted hers. I knew she saw the name, and I knew it had to have been uncomfortable for her, but I didn’t say anything to her and answered the phone.
“Livvy fell off the monkey bars at recess, and she hurt her wrist. I can’t get there to pick her up. Can you get her please? They said they don’t think it’s broken, but she’s babying it. I’m trying to get this finished up here and then I’ll meet you back at the house. If it’s bad, call me and let me know and we’ll take her to the doctor.”
My heart raced in my chest at his words, and didn’t understand how he could’ve been so calm about the whole thing. My baby was injured and I wasn’t there to protect her…how could he sound like it was nothing?
“Edie? Are you there?”
“Yes, I’m here. I’m on my way.”
“Edie, calm down. She’s okay.”
“How do you know? You’re not there. How do you know she’s okay?” I asked, my voice an octave higher with panic.
“She’s breathing. She’s all right. You can’t protect them from every scrape.”
He was right. I had to look at the positives. After all, I had left her for two years, unable to be there for her when she’d get hurt. He was that person. And if he was calm, I had to be too.
“Just call me when you get there. Go ahead and get the boys, too. No sense in having to go back to pick them up.” He paused and sighed. “Don’t beat yourself up, Edie. Just get to her, hug her, and make her feel safe. That’s all you can do. I love you. I’ll see you in a little bit.”
I ended the call and glanced at Beth, who studied her hands in her lap.
“I’ve taken a position at a store about four hours from here. I need to leave and start over somewhere else. I just hope that someday, you will be able to call me and we can talk like we used to.”
I wanted to continue our conversation, but my child needed me. I felt torn—wanting to stay in my seat and comfort my best friend, and needing to get up and comfort my daughter. “Livvy fell at school and hurt her wrist. I have to go get her.”
A sad smile drew on her tight lips. “This is why I have to move. That used to be me. I’d get a phone call to go pick them up. And now I don’t have that anymore. I don’t feel like I have a purpose here anymore. You go be with her, take care of her.”
I nodded and stood up, feeling dizzy from her confession. “Why are you really leaving, Beth? The real reason. Be honest with me, please.”
She chewed on the inside of her cheek before locking eyes with me and answering. “Honestly? I am beyond happy that you’re okay. That you got the help you needed and that you’re back with your family…where you belong. That grey cloud of worry no longer settles over me. It no longer darkens the air around me. However, I can’t pretend that your return hasn’t left me with nothing. I practically put my entire life on hold to fill in for you. Those kids… Other than you and Donnie, no one can possibly love them as much as I do. And Donnie…I can’t pretend that I don’t have feelings for him. I can’t do that and it’s not fair for you to have me around. But more importantly, it’s not fair for me to be here and not have anything left.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Two weeks.”
I nodded, not having anything else to say. I already had so much to digest and didn’t have the time knowing Livvy needed me. “I’ll call you. Let me go get Livvy and get settled, and then I’ll call you.”
* * *
I picked up the kids and then headed back to the house—Donnie’s house. Livvy’s wrist seemed fine, no swelling, but she held it against her chest with a bag of ice on it. I think she liked the attention more than anything, but I didn’t care. I’d give her all the attention she needed.
I’d called Donnie as soon as we got back to the house and told him she was okay and that he didn’t need to come home. But he insisted, saying he managed to finish things up at work and whatever didn’t get done could wait until the next day. He sounded somber and it sent a wave of worry through me. It wasn’t anything he said, but the tone in his voice.
In the meantime, I got the kids settled, made them a snack, and then started on something for dinner. I wasn’t sure when Donnie would get home, but after not eating lunch, I was famished.
About an hour later, Donnie walked through the front door, surprising me with a suitcase by his side. My heart stilled and my breathing grew shallow, the air sticking in my windpipe until I realized the suitcase was mine. The one I had in the closet across the street.
His eyes focused on mine as he stood still in the foyer. Something wasn’t right. He had my luggage, my belongings, here in his house, yet he appeared to be distraught, and I couldn’t find my voice enough to ask what was wrong.
“I didn’t work today. I wasn’t at my office,” he admitted, breaking the silence between us. After a moment of waiting for me to reply, not getting a response, he continued. “After you left, my parents recommended a therapist to talk to. To help me sort things out because I didn’t handle
it very well. I never called. I never made an appointment, and I never talked about my problems. But today I did.”
I shook my head slowly, trying to understand what he meant.
“That’s where I was when I got the call from the school.”
“Okay,” I said, dragging out the word. “I don’t understand.”
“I went to go see someone, to talk about everything. I needed to fully understand what you were going through. I needed someone to spell it out for me, hoping it would help make some sense of it all. I just knew there was something I could’ve done, said, anything to have made things better for you.”
When Donnie walked in, I was on the couch, but I stood once I noticed the suitcase. After hearing about where he’d been and why he’d gone there, my legs could no longer hold my weight. They shook and screamed for me to sit, so I did and tried to absorb what he’d told me. He went to see a counselor. He talked about my depression with someone else. But most importantly, he honestly thought he could’ve done something to change the past.
He walked to where I sat and knelt on the floor between my legs, holding himself there with his hands on my thighs as he studied my face. “And I learned so much more than I thought.”
“What did you learn?” My words were soft and quiet, desperate even.
“I learned that you weren’t ready for help then. You may not have even understood the extent of it. And that no matter what I’d said or did would’ve changed that for you. I couldn’t have done anything, much like you couldn’t have. I get that now. I get that no one is to blame. And that I should focus on the here and now. I don’t need to waste my time wondering about things that nobody can change.”
I released a breath of relief. “That makes me happy.”
“I also think we should go to marriage counseling. I think it’ll be good for us.”
I nodded in agreement. “I think you’re right.”
A smile spread across his face as he leaned in closer to kiss me.
“What about the suitcase?”
He turned his head to the front door before gazing back into my eyes. “I don’t want to ever go to sleep without you again. I don’t ever want another morning where I wake up and you’re not there, and I never want to wake up in the middle of the night to a cold bed. So many mistakes have been made between us and I don’t want any more. You left without talking to me. You came back and I didn’t talk to you—I didn’t listen to you. I won’t say we’ll never make another mistake again, but I believe as long as we make them together, we’ll be fine.”
Tears burned my eyes and then rolled down my cheeks before Donnie wiped them away with his thumbs. “You don’t think this is too fast? That we’re rushing into this instead of taking our time?”
“Do you not want to be here?” His eyes squinted and it etched his face with pain.
“I want nothing more than to be here. It’s why I came back…to be under the same roof as my family. I’m just worried you’ll wake up one day and regret it. That you’ll realize you didn’t spend enough time figuring things out. I don’t know if I can handle that.”
With my face in his hands, he pulled me closer, pressing his lips to mine softly. I thought he’d release me, but he didn’t. He continued to tenderly kiss me, running his tongue slowly over my bottom lip until I parted my lips for him. I heard his deep intake of air before plunging his wet, warm tongue into my mouth, massaging mine. A soft moan escaped past my throat just before he pressed into me more, causing me to lean further back onto the couch. He held his weight on his hands that were pressed into the cushion on either side of my body.
Once he backed away for a second to get some air, I said, “The kids will be in here any minute. As much as I’d love to continue this…”
He snickered and shook his head, placing one more kiss on my forehead before pulling away, dragging me off the couch by my hand. Now standing, he held onto me by my shoulders and forced me to look at him, inches away from my face. “I will never wake up and regret a single thing. I’m not brushing this under the rug and pretending like it never happened. I’m not closing my eyes and choosing to be blind to everything. We will talk to someone. We will figure all of this out. Together. And I would never want it any other way.”
My world shifted in that moment. Everything slowly clicking into place. I pressed my forehead into his chest and took a deep breath. I’d just gotten everything I’ve asked for over the last few years. I’ve found peace, I’ve rediscovered happiness, and I’ve gained the love of the only man that’s ever owned my heart. The one thing that hurt, was that I knew without a doubt that I could never tell him the truth. I’d had so many opportunities, and I’ve passed all of them up. He’s made the decision to accept me again, and if I told him, it would irrevocably ruin everything.
I kissed the kids and tucked them into their beds, letting them know I loved them bunches and bunches and more and more, and then quickly made my way to Donnie. I had spent so much time in the kids’ rooms, relishing the realization that we were all under one roof, that I worried he’d be asleep by the time I made it to him. But he wasn’t. Instead, he sat on the bed in nothing but jeans. No shirt and no shoes…just the way I liked him.
His eyes met mine as soon as I walked into the room. He lay against the bed on his pillow, with his arm tucked behind his head. I couldn’t help but admire the toned muscles in his arms—his flexed bicep, his bulging triceps, and the ones in his forearm that showed off the veins through his skin. I loved it all. His pecs, bared for me, his abs, tight with his position, and the V peeking out from the waistband of his jeans. I’d admired them all before, but knowing I’d finally get the chance to touch them, lick them, feel them pressed against me in a way I hadn’t felt in a lifetime made my skin prickle, my nerves burn, and my stomach twist in delicious knots.
I slowly made my way to him, dragging my feet purposefully against the carpet. I wanted him, but I also wanted the moment to last forever. I wanted to feel the anticipation in every cell of my being, capture every moment in my mind, and lavish in the concept of finally being with him after the excruciating wait.
Donnie didn’t move, other than to track my steps with his eyes. He patiently waited in his reclined position on the bed until I made my way to the end of the mattress at his feet. I noticed his breathing grew harsh, his chest heaved up and down with every labored breath he took. Every exhale that filled the air between us was felt in my chest, as if he were breathing life into me. Because that’s exactly what he did. I couldn’t breathe without him. I had no life without my family, and for the first time in forever, I felt alive.
I stilled on my knees at his feet. His lack of movement worried me, scared me that he didn’t have the same intentions I had. The night before, in the shower, he’d said we couldn’t be intimate until his bed was my bed…and now that it was, I was under the impression we would be free to make love, the way we used to. But the more the seconds dragged on, the more nervous I became.
My eyes lowered to the mattress beneath me as I slowly slid off the bed. My second foot didn’t even touch the ground before I was lifted back up and tossed onto my back. It all happened so fast my brain couldn’t comprehend anything.
Silence still surrounded us, yet this time it became filled with our panting breaths. We hadn’t even touched one another and neither of us could control our breathing as we stared into each other’s eyes. I didn’t know what mine looked like, but if they were anything like Donnie’s, I knew he’d see the desire burning in them. The blue of his irises turned dark, but shone like a beacon of light, absorbing me, loving me, wanting me. It’s the same look he had in his eyes the first time we ever made love. The day we went to the sandpit and I gave him all of me for the first time.
And now I’d give him all of me again.
This time, it’ll be forever.
My hands reached up to cup his cheeks on their own volition. I didn’t think—couldn’t think—with the way he stared down at me, breathing me in, tak
ing his time with me. In such slow movements it felt like time stood still, I pulled his face to mine, feeling the tiny hairs surrounding his lips brush against the smooth skin of my face.
The second his lips touched mine, his hands were on me…all over me. He ran his palm up my side, beneath my shirt. I felt the calluses on his hand scratch the skin on my stomach, burning me, sending a scorching heat throughout my entire body. My hips bucked against him, needing him close…closer. Needing to feel him on me…in me.
His hand reached the underwire of my bra and traced the line beneath it with his rough fingertip. It sent chills down my back until they settled in the bundle of nerves at the base of my spine. He kept his forehead pressed to mine, his eyes wide open, staring into mine, his hot breaths fanning across my lips.
I dragged my fingernails across his back, letting him know silently that I couldn’t take much more. I wanted this moment, this night, to last forever, but I didn’t know how much longer I could wait to feel him again. My nails eventually dug into his skin, and I knew if I kept it up, I’d draw blood.
His lips lightly trailed against my cheeks to my neck where he tasted the saltiness of my skin with his tongue. A groan erupted in his chest just before his teeth captured my collarbone. It was sharp and unexpected, causing me to yelp, but then he soothed the sting with feather-kisses up to my chin before capturing my lips again.