by Leddy Harper
I wasn’t ready for the kiss to end, but that didn’t stop him from pulling away, his torso leaving mine, causing my chest to feel cold and naked without him there. But once he grabbed the hem of my shirt and began to tug, I knew why and no longer cared that his lips weren’t on mine or that he sat a foot away from me. He pulled the shirt until it was over my head and then tossed it to the floor, immediately resuming his position on top of me. Skin to skin. Warmth to warmth. It made the concentrated sensation in my spine burn hotter, harsher.
His arm wrapped around me until his fingers found the clasp of my bra and within a second, it was undone, loosening around me until he pulled it the rest of the way off, leaving me in nothing but my jeans. I thought he’d make his way to those, but he didn’t. Instead, he worshipped my exposed chest with his lips and tongue, flicking my nipples until they were hard peaks and then nipping them between his teeth and lip.
My back arched high off the bed, seeking more attention, needing something to relieve the ache that burned through me. “Donnie, please,” I begged. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”
He grabbed my hand and brought it down to his erection, hidden behind his jeans. “I know exactly how you feel. But the last time we did this…” He trailed off and shook his head, lowering his eyes until they were closed. He opened them again and looked right at me, his jaw ticking as he thought. “I have a lot to make up for here and I won’t rush it.”
I could only nod, knowing exactly what he meant. Neither one of us wanted to remember the other night on my patio for many different reasons. We wanted to make sure this time was different. This time would count. And it became a metaphor for our relationship. This time around, it would last, it wouldn’t be rushed, and nothing would be ignored.
I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him back until he was flat on the bed and I hovered over his body. My fingers found the button on his jeans and opened them, pulling down the zipper next.
He grabbed my hands and didn’t move until I looked at him. “Edie…I want to do this. I want this to be about you.”
I shook my head and freed my hands, continuing with the removal of his pants and boxers. “No. This is about us. Both of us. Me and you.” I hoped he understood what I meant, and by the soft, peaceful look in his eyes, I knew he did. This wasn’t just about sex, or just about this one night…this was about us and our future. Our fresh start. Our new beginning.
Donnie lifted his hips, allowing me to pull his jeans down enough to free his erection. It lay along his lower stomach, twitching at his bellybutton. The tip glistened with his excitement, and the sight of it caused a pulsing sensation in my groin. My mouth salivated at the thought of tasting him.
A hiss slithered past his teeth the moment my hand touched him, wrapping my fingers around his girth. I began to pump slowly, barely holding on to him. But as soon as his hips bucked, I couldn’t stop myself from grabbing harder, squeezing him in my palm. The sound of his groan echoed around me until all I could hear was his panting breaths, the pull of air through his tight lips, and the grunts bubbling in his chest.
I lowered myself until I had him at my mouth. I ran the head of his erection along my lower lip, feeling the stickiness of his precome as I coated myself with it. My tongue peeked out, getting its first taste of him, needing more, craving it all. And I could no longer hold back. I opened wide and took him in, massaging his shaft with my tongue, sucking in as if his dick was a straw, and pumping him harshly with my hand at the base.
I felt his hands fist in my hair as he began to thrust gently and tell me how much he’s missed my mouth around his cock. Just hearing him talk like that sent me into a frenzy, making me suck harder, pump faster, take him deeper.
“Fuck, Edie,” he said as he used his grip in my hair to pull me off him. “You have to stop or I won’t last. I want to come in you, not down your throat.”
I smiled and sat back on my haunches, wiping the corner of my mouth with my finger and feeling high on pheromones. Donnie leaned forward and grabbed my shoulders roughly, spinning me around until our positions were reversed. He finished kicking off his jeans and made quick work of relieving me of mine.
As much as I wanted him to go down on me, I needed him inside of me more. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him up my body by his head, holding on to both sides of his face. “I need you now.”
I barely registered the smile on his face before his lips overtook mine again in a hungry, passionate, primal kiss. He wrapped his fingers around my wrists and tugged on my arms until they were over my head, pinned to the pillow beneath me. He held me there with one hand, while the other trailed down my body until he reached the spot that had begun to burn from the intensity of the ache. He nudged my legs apart with his knees and settled between them, using his hand to guide himself into me.
I knew it was coming… I knew he was about to enter me, but nothing prepared me for the one quick, harsh, desperate thrust of his hips until he was fully seated inside of me. His body stilled as he let out a stream of hot air across my face, gazing into my eyes. Gulps of air entered my lungs and then left through my opened mouth as I wiggled my hips against his, desperately trying to get him to move.
“Stay with me, Edie. I don’t know how long I will last, but I need you to keep your eyes on me and don’t take them away. Got it? Stay with me.”
I nodded without taking my eyes off him. Slowly, he began to move in and out of me, pulling almost all the way out before thrusting back in forcefully. It was powerful, emotional, everything I thought I’d lost.
His lips pinched tightly as he breathed through his nose, keeping his eyes latched on mine with each harsh thrust, every swirl of his hips, every slow pull. I knew why he wanted me to look at him—he wanted to make sure I found my pleasure first. It’s why he took his time with his movements, why he paid so much attention to hitting the spot he knew would throw me over the edge. And from the strained expression on his face, I could tell he was trying hard to hold on as long as he could.
This wasn’t the man that fucked me on my patio the other night.
This was the man I loved, and would continue to love for the rest of my life.
“Edie…” He didn’t need to finish his statement, I knew what he meant. He couldn’t hold on much longer.
“Go, Donnie.”
“No. Not without you,” he said, almost painfully, and then reached beneath my bottom, digging his fingertips into the flesh of my ass and pulling me into him with every thrust.
That’s all it took. The slow-burning fire lit up, heating me with its licking flames. There was no slow rise, it was quick to start, and lingered at the peak until Donnie exhaled on a grunt, thrashing into me with wild abandon. My name on his tongue, his breaths against my lips, his damp skin against mine. My release met his in a mixture of our moans, pants, breaths, and admissions of love.
He fell into me, not even able to hold his weight off me. His grip on my wrists loosened until I could pull my arms free and wrap them around his body. My legs locked around his waist as I held him on me, never wanting to let him go. Never wanting his body to part with mine.
I closed my eyes and lost myself in his breaths, the fluid motion of his chest heaving against mine. I don’t remember him pulling away or tucking me into his side. I don’t remember the lights turning off of the blanket covering me. The very last thing I remember was his warm breath against my neck as he said, “I can’t live without you,” in what sounded like a tear-filled voice.
I spent the following day cleaning out the Millers’ house. It didn’t take much, since I had only been there for a week, but I had some personal things I needed to get from there. Namely, my journals. I didn’t want Donnie to find them, so I stuck them under the mattress for the time being. I needed to get rid of them, but I didn’t have the strength just yet.
I also had furniture that I didn’t know what to do with. Donnie said we didn’t have to make a decision quite yet, but that we would more th
an likely end up moving the beds to our house and get rid of their old ones. But he wanted to ask the kids first. I loved that about him…that he wanted to ask their opinions, even over something so silly as furniture. But they did love the new beds I’d gotten them, and I didn’t particularly want to part with them quite yet.
After I cleared all of my things out, I called Nancy to let her know about the house. I told her I’d still pay rent until she found a new tenant, but she told me not to worry about it. She was just happy Donnie and I were able to work things out. She seemed genuinely happy for me—for us. We spoke for a while on the phone, catching each other up on our lives, and she listened intently as I told her about the two years I’d spent away. I cried a lot when explaining all I had gone through, and I could’ve sworn I heard her sniffle a few times. I never knew it, but she had dealt with depression and knew what I had gone through. She said her experiences with it weren’t like mine, but she understood exactly how I felt. It was an emotional and heartfelt conversation, and by the time the call had ended, it felt like another ten pounds had been lifted off my shoulders.
I felt lighter, happier, and in a good place for the first time in as long as I could remember. However, it still didn’t stop the feeling of dread from worming its way in. I tried my best to shove it down and ignore it. To focus on the positives and allow myself to be convinced it would last.
Donnie couldn’t seem to keep his hands off me after the night before, and I couldn’t complain. I got up with him in the morning and joined him in the shower. And then again later that night, after the kids were tucked in bed. It was like we were teenagers again, but this time, we didn’t have to sneak around his parents.
By Wednesday morning, I felt sore in all the right places. I wanted to take the kids to school, but Donnie wouldn’t let me. He told me I had to stay in bed and rest up, because he had plans for me later. I blushed and smiled, giving in and letting him drive the kids.
I spent most of the day lounging around, trying to ease the feeling of not belonging there. It was an odd sensation, since it was once my home, but it no longer felt that way. I wondered how long it would be before I’d finally believe I was where I belonged. It was like we’d just moved into the house for the first time, except this time, it was lived in and filled with love. Filled with a sense of peace.
After picking the kids up from school, I headed to the grocery store. Donnie called to say he’d be home early, and I wanted to have dinner ready for him, but he had no meat left in the house, and the only food I had from the fridge across the street consisted of hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. I used to love cooking for him, and it was one of the items I had on my list of things I’d do if he ever found it in his heart to forgive me.
What I hadn’t expected was to see Beth at the house when I returned. The sight of her car in the driveway, next to my car—the one Donnie had been driving so that I could have the van—sent my pulse racing in my ears. I knew better than to doubt him, but panic filled me and I couldn’t do anything to make it go away. I hurried out of the van, getting the kids and the grocery bags as fast as I could so that I could get inside and see why she’d shown up.
They were standing just inside the door as I opened it. Beth’s back was to me and her head was down, yet from the look on Donnie’s face, it didn’t seem as though I had interrupted anything. His expression seemed sad—his eyes were empty and his shoulders drooped—but nothing about his posture screamed guilt. I knew what he looked like when he was caught doing something wrong, and the way he looked right then was the complete opposite.
“I wasn’t expecting you, Beth. Is everything all right?”
She sniffled and nodded, still with her back to me. “I just came by to say my goodbyes to everyone. I’ll be busy packing and getting things ready for the move, so I wasn’t sure I’d have another time. I actually planned on dropping off a letter, but Donnie was here. I thought it was you since your car was in the driveway.”
The kids were all very excited to see Beth, jumping around at her legs and arguing over who got to hug her first. It sent a sharp pain through my chest. “Let me put these bags away…give you guys some time to talk.”
“Want to stay for dinner?” Donnie asked before I could even leave the room. His question had me halting my steps, frozen in place as I waited for her answer.
“I don’t want to intrude. I honestly only came here to say bye.”
“The kids have missed you,” he said quietly, but I could hear the words that he didn’t say. He missed her, too, but couldn’t admit it out loud. “It’s just dinner. We can order something if we don’t have enough food for everyone.”
I turned, desperately trying to keep the smile on my face from faltering. “Yeah, it’s not a problem at all. We have plenty. I just went to the store. I was going to make lasagna anyway. We’ll have more than enough for you.” I tried my best to sound cheery, but it didn’t stop my heart from breaking inside my chest at the thought of sharing yet one more thing with her.
Beth turned to look at Donnie, waiting for his final okay, which he gave in the form of a sad smile and a nod. “Okay, thanks. I’ve actually missed your lasagna,” she said after wiping the remaining tears from her face.
“Donnie, do you mind giving me a hand in the kitchen, please?”
He reluctantly took his eyes off Beth and settled his gaze on me before nodding and following me down the hall to the kitchen. The kids stayed in the living room across from the foyer with Beth, excitedly jumping around.
“I’m sorry…I should’ve asked you first,” Donnie said as he helped unload the groceries from the bags. “I just didn’t think about it. She’s leaving and I felt bad saying goodbye and then pushing her out the door.”
I nodded, understanding what he meant. But the gnawing feeling wouldn’t settle. It bubbled at the surface until my hands shook around the box of pasta. “Do you love her?” I blurted out, not able to hold it in any longer.
He froze, blinking silently at the counter for a moment before turning his attention to me. “Why are you asking me that?” His eyebrows pinched together as his stare remained on me, unwavering as he waited for my response.
My heart hammered in my chest, causing me to rub the spot in the center of my ribcage with the heel of my palm. “I just need to know. It doesn’t change anything, I just…need to know for my own personal knowledge.”
A sigh rang through the air, filling me and then leaving me empty as it vanished. “I don’t know how to answer that, Edie. It’s like you’re trying to make me feel guilty for living while you were away.”
“That’s not it,” I argued, allowing my voice to rise in irritation. “I know you two were together, and I know how she feels about you. It’s a simple yes or no question. I just need to know what kind of feelings I need to worry about…if any at all.”
“Worry about? What do you mean by that?” He came closer to me, protectively placing his hands on my shoulders. “You have nothing to worry about, Edie. I promise you.”
“That’s not what I meant. Listen, I can’t explain why I need to know, but I do. Maybe I’m glutton for punishment. I don’t know. Can you just answer the question, please? Do you love her?” I practically begged as I fought off the tears that threatened to take me down.
“No. I care about her a lot. But I do not, nor have I ever loved anyone other than you.”
“So why was it so hard to say that?”
“Because for a little while I thought I did. And then you showed back up and proved me wrong.”
“Did you ever tell her that you loved her?” I couldn’t understand my need to know these things. It made no sense at all to me why I felt this undying need to punish myself over and over again.
I watched his throat expand as he swallowed harshly. I no longer needed verbal confirmation.
“And you want me to make dinner, serve it, and sit through that? She loves you, you loved her—or thought you did—and so do my kids. I understand why you invited h
er for dinner, but did you not once think about how that would make me feel?”
He pulled me into his chest by my shoulders and held me tight against him. I could feel his heart pounding away behind his ribs, beating into my chest—beating in my chest. “Did you ever think about how hard this is for her?” he asked with his lips pressed against my ear. “She’s leaving, Edie. She gave me up for you. The only fight I gave was when I decided to fight for you. And she’s walking away from the family she’s had for the last two years. She’s leaving the kids, her best friend, her family just to give us our time.” He pulled away and looked into my tear-filled eyes. “I know this is hard for you, but you get the happily ever after…she doesn’t get hers right now.”
“If you don’t love her, why are you defending her?”
“I’m defending a friend. Your friend, my friend…the same friend that helped me out more times than I can count. She’s always been here for us, even long before you left and came back. If you’d like, I can tell her we’ve changed our minds. I can take all the blame and tell her I can’t handle her being here. Tell me what you want me to do. I’ll do it…for you.”
I shook my head. “No. Don’t do that. You’re right. She’s been there for me for most of my life, and I can’t turn her away now just because we have the same taste in men,” I joked, trying to laugh through the falling tears.
Donnie kissed my forehead. “I love you, Edie. If only you knew half of what I felt for you, you’d never worry about another person again.”
I did know how he felt about me, because I felt the same way about him. But it didn’t make it any easier knowing I was about to share a meal with his lover—my best friend. But he was right about her; she has sacrificed so much for me, even if that led to her developing feelings for my husband—that would’ve never happened if I hadn’t left in the first place. This was just one more thing I had to face due to my mistake.