My Biggest Mistake

by Leddy Harper

  I looked around, noticing the quietness. “Where are the kids?”

  “My parents’ house. I needed to get a few things done, so they picked them up for me.”

  My blood boiled with rage and my eyes finally snapped to his. “Are you kidding me? I asked if I could get them and you told me no. I thought you agreed to letting me have the kids…fifty-fifty, remember?” I didn’t stop lecturing, even though he repeated my name several times. “I wasn’t doing anything but sitting at the house, I could’ve gotten them.”

  Donnie grabbed my shoulders and shook me until I stopped talking. “Edie, it was a last minute thing. I just dropped them off on the way home because I knew you were coming over and we need to talk about things. I don’t want them around for this.”

  My stomach twisted at his words. I didn’t know what he wanted to discuss, but not to have the kids around meant it had to be bad. He didn’t let me pick up the kids up, and my mind quickly began to assume the rest. He planned to take the kids from me.

  “Why did you tell me I couldn’t get them?”

  He hung his head, showing…defeat?…yet his grip on my shoulders tightened. It was a display of weakness and strength, determination and surrender. He seemed so torn in how he felt that I couldn’t comprehend anything. “I’ve been having issues with a tenant,” he admitted once his eyes finally met mine again. “I must’ve text you by mistake, thinking I was answering him. I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize it until you sent me the last text. My mind has been all over the place, too much going on.” He sounded so sincere, and his eyes seemed so sad as they carefully studied my face.

  I should’ve said something, but I couldn’t. I still felt angry at not having my kids, and not being able to see them for the last two days, but Donnie’s actions gave me sense of concern. It was enough to quiet the angry words I’d wanted to say, yet not powerful enough to cause me to cave.

  Suddenly, in my silence, he released his hold on me and walked to the family room on the other side of the house. I followed, feeling a sense of dread with every silent step we made. Donnie sat on the couch, leaning forward until he was only sitting on the edge of the cushion with his hands clasped in his lap. His attention never left the coffee table in front of him as I sat on the couch next to him.

  Not knowing what else to do, I placed the envelope on the table. “It’s all signed. I also included a list of the things I’d like from the house. They’re not big things, just personal items. If you disagree with anything on it, just let me know. Maybe we can talk about it or something. And I also drafted a suggestive letter for custody. I plan on getting a job, but will make sure it’s in retail and hope they can offer a flexible schedule. I’ve also outlined holidays. And made a suggestion that maybe we spend this Christmas together? Maybe just while we open presents?”

  He nodded, but his gaze remained on the envelope in front of him, never once reaching out to take it. “I was thinking the same thing. Birthdays too. I don’t want to miss their birthdays, and I’m sure you don’t want to, either. Livvy starts kindergarten next year, and I think it would be good if we were both there for that. I’d like it for us to be there for all of their school functions…together.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure that won’t be a problem. I think you’re right. As long as we remain positive, and we show each other respect, then it won’t be bad for the kids. They’re already used to me not living with them, so it shouldn’t be much of an adjustment.”

  “Who are you, Edie?” he asked abruptly, turning his attention to me with pinched eyebrows. Something was off with him. His breaths were short and shallow, and the rim around his eyes were turning red, as if he were on the brink of tears. He must’ve read my confusion from my silence because he continued. “I met one version of you, and fell in love with her. And then after the kids, it’s like she was gone, and I had another, and yet still another after the twins. You came back as someone different, someone I didn’t know. I’m just trying to figure out who you are.”

  I took in a deep breath and released it harshly, allowing the sigh to ring out in the quiet room. I turned my face to the ceiling and wiped my clammy hands on my sweats as I worked out the words in my head before speaking. “You met me as a child, Donnie. I was young and had no real life responsibilities. I had some hard times in my life, but nothing harsh enough to truly break me. I thought they were, I thought those things I’d dealt with growing up were damaging, but I realize now that they were the kind of things that wouldn’t show their effects until way later. Even in the first few years of our marriage everything was easy. You were easy, we were easy…our love was easy. Livvy was the first thing that came around that changed things. Not that she was difficult, but becoming a first-time mother comes with struggles. And I think that was where I made my first mistake.

  “I ignored the struggles. I ignored remnants of the issues I’d dealt with when I was younger. The only way I can describe them—thanks to Jan—is imagine it like the finale of a fireworks show. The issues with my dad, with my mom, growing up feeling unworthy and unloved was the lighting of the wick. Those things started it. When Livvy was a baby, I thought the stress would pass. I passed it off as being a new mother, a young mother, and the fact that she was just a baby. She’d grow out of it. She’d learn to sleep through the night. She’d learn to talk instead of cry when she needed something. So instead of asking for help, reaching out to the people I had around me, I ignored it because I didn’t want to feel like I was being a bad mom. I thought if I asked for help, that would be the same as what my mom did with me when I was young—the first pop of a firecracker.

  “And then there were the twins. I knew I wanted more children with you, but they were so unexpected. I was on birth control, so it surprised me. Not to mention, Livvy was only six months old. It stressed me out, but you made me feel like it would all be okay. I just kept thinking, I’m just now getting sleep, and it’s all going to end. I felt panicked that I would have to go through all of that again…the no sleep, the crying and not knowing what would make it stop, the adjusting to a constantly changing schedule. I’d have to do that all over again without any reprieve from the last time. And on top of that, I feared it would be worse because I’d have a baby and Livvy. Two schedules that would more than likely conflict, fighting for my time, my energy. And part of me didn’t want that. Those thoughts made me feel even more like my mother—second pop of the firecracker…in close secession to the last.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me this then?” Donnie asked, interjecting himself into my explanation. He sounded concerned, worried, upset. “About being pregnant and scared?”

  “I tried, Donnie. You just didn’t hear me. I think the problem was that I couldn’t come out and tell you exactly what my fears were because I thought it would make me sound like a bad mom. And you couldn’t read between my words because…well, because you’re not a mind reader. It was a communication issue.”

  He nodded and turned away, staring off across the room with his bottom lip between his teeth. I knew he was lost in thought, probably blaming himself over everything. That’s what he always did. If I was sad, he took the blame, if I was angry and unhappy, in his head it was somehow his fault.

  “There’s nothing you could’ve done, Donnie. It was an irrational fear in my head caused from something that started long before I met you. It was a ticking time bomb that I wasn’t aware of. You couldn’t have controlled it any more than I could’ve.”

  “I know. It’s just hard to hear about this now—years later when nothing can be done about it.”

  I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. “Listen, Donnie…when I found out I was pregnant again, something snapped. Those feelings I had before the twins came back, but stronger. By that point, there was nothing anyone could do for me. All of those fears and worries that I had ignored for so long ended up controlling me. I know you think if I had told you about the baby, it might’ve been different. But it’s not that easy. You’re right to say I’ve cha
nged into multiple people, because I have. There was the naïve girl that you fell in love with, the ignorant fool that lived in la-la land, ignoring the signs and turning a blind-eye to the impending explosion, and then the person that finally got help. I don’t know who the real me is, maybe a mix of all three. I’d like to think that the person you fell in love with is still in there, and I know I still have some parts from after the twins. I still have some of those same fears, except I don’t ignore them anymore. I do get sad. I get emotional. But I can also be happy. And I know this because when I’m around my kids, I’m so fucking happy.”

  That earned a smile from Donnie, a sincere, heart-stopping smile. “I have some things for you. You left them behind and I thought you might want them.” He stood up and walked around the couch to the bookshelf along the wall.

  “It’s fine, Donnie. I can just get everything at once. The list is in the envelope, but I want you to go over it first, so we can agree on it.”

  “I want you to have everything, Edie. But this isn’t about the list. These are things that are yours, and you should have them.” He pulled out a small office box and came back to the couch, placing the box on the table in front of him. I thought he’d just hand it to me, but he didn’t. He stared at the box for a moment before turning to me. “I got an offer on the house.”

  “Already?” I asked, stunned and slightly confused.

  He nodded and paused before answering verbally. “Apparently the realtor knows someone that wants it. They live close by somewhere and drive past it all the time, and have always admired it. Once they heard it was going on the market, they made an offer. I’ve accepted it. I was going to call you and run it by you first, but… Well, I just didn’t.”

  “That’s okay. I understand. I don’t really have any right to this house anyway. When do you have to be out?”

  “They are saying they want to close at the beginning of the year. But I’d like to be out of the house before Christmas. I don’t see the point in decorating while packing and then having to deal with all of that mess. So I figured I might as well just get out and make life easier. But anyway…that’s not what I was going to talk about. I’ve started packing things up. I’ve set aside things I didn’t care to keep and thought I’d let you go through them first before I got rid of them. It’s pretty much little things I’ve found while cleaning out the house. I figured I’d clean it out first before packing.”

  “Really, Donnie, it’s not a big deal. I’m sure most of those things I don’t even remember. If you found it unimportant, I’m sure it probably is. If you’re cleaning out the house, there’s no point in holding onto those things for me.”

  “While clearing out the bedroom, I started stripping the bed,” he said, causing me to stop talking and hold my breath. “I have no need for a bedskirt for the next few weeks. And I found something.”

  He didn’t need to continue. I knew what he found. And I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been for leaving it there in the first place. I should’ve thrown it away a long time ago.

  He reached into the box and pulled out the familiar book, worn and tattered around the edges of the leather. “I didn’t know what it was at first. So I opened it to see, and that’s when I figured it out. It’s the first one, isn’t it? The one you said I couldn’t read. I struggled with what to do with it for a while, but instead of doing the right thing and putting it away, I wanted to see how you’d gone from the woman I loved to the woman that broke my heart.”

  “Donnie…” My words caught in my throat, forming a lump that made it hard to swallow around. “You shouldn’t have read that. That was from the darkest time in my life. No one should ever see that side of anybody.”

  I knew what the journal had done to him. It solidified his decision to leave me. Those words were gory and raw, written by a broken person with no future. Her life was over, her pain too strong to break free. Her guilt too heavy to overcome. But I wasn’t that person anymore. And if he read my words, it would only make him hate me more. I couldn’t even look at those passages without hating myself. I started it two months after I left, on our sixth anniversary. And here we were, on our eighth anniversary, discussing the disillusion of our marriage over the things I’d written in that book about.

  He held his hand out, offering me the book. “I thought you’d want it back.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want any part of that life back.”

  His arm remained outstretched for a moment before he nodded and placed it back in the box. Then, he grabbed something from the bottom, keeping whatever it was tightly wrapped in his fist.

  “I know why you left these, but they’re not mine. They’re yours. And I want you to have them back. They belong to you,” he said, never taking his eyes from mine, and opened his hand, palm up. Sitting on his callused hand was my wedding set, the diamond he gave me after rushing home on our last day of school, and the gold band he placed on my finger after promising to love me forever—exactly eight years ago.

  “Donnie,” I whispered through a gasp. My hand covered my mouth as I fought hard to keep the sobs down, but my eyes blurred with tears just before they fell, cascading down my face and into my lap. “This is cruel. It’s heartless. It’s like a knife in my heart. Why?”

  “Why what?” he asked with a furrowed brow, visibly confused.

  “Do you know what today is?”

  “Yes,” he answered breathlessly. “I know exactly what today is.”

  “Then why would you give these back to me today of all days? It’s hard enough having to bring you the divorce papers today, but to have you hand me back the one symbol of our marriage on the day we’re supposed to be celebrating it, but instead, we’re dissolving it…it’s too much.” I broke down, unable to handle the pain that ran through me and left me shattered on the inside.

  I wasn’t aware of what happened. One minute, I sat on the couch by myself, crying in my hands, and the next, Donnie’s arms were wrapped around me and I was in his lap with my head buried in his shirt.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you,” he whispered in my ear.

  I leaned back, garnering some strength from the anger his words produced. “What the hell did you think that would do to me?” I asked as I looked into his worried eyes. “I’m not the one that asked for any of this, and I’m doing my best to deal. I gave you back those rings for a reason. Why in the hell would you choose to return them on today? I know you’re not that cold of a person.”

  “I have an appointment this weekend to look—”

  “What the fuck, Donnie?” I yelled, not caring that it was in his face. “You’re random subject changes are pissing me off. I don’t want to hear what you’re doing this weekend. Or that someone put an offer on the house. I don’t give a shit about any of that.” I tried to climb off his lap but he wrapped his arms tighter, holding me closer.

  “Just listen, dammit!” His harsh tone caused me to still. “I have an appointment to look at houses this weekend. I want you to go with me. You, me, and the kids.”

  My head bobbed back and forth, and I could feel my face scrunching as my eyes closed tightly, failing at keeping the tears from leaking out. A whimper bubbled up from my chest and my breath hitched.

  “I know you didn’t want me to read that journal. And I know I shouldn’t have. But I’m glad I did, and I won’t apologize for that.” He released one hand to hold my face, trying to force me to look at him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my eyes for fear I’d give him more room to destroy me. “That journal gave me the chance to see you. It showed me something I refused to accept.”

  “I don’t get it,” I admitted, finally opening my eyes for some clarity.

  With a deep breath, he said, “I have always seen you as one way. In my head, you’ve always been the girl from high school. The one that laughed and joked all the time, and always put a smile on my face. That’s the image I’ve always had in my head when I thought of Idelette Foster Leery. It’s what got me through most days
after you left. Because if I thought of the woman that vanished, the one with the cold eyes and permanent frown, I’d fall to pieces. And when you came back, it was like you were both images in one. You had your old smile, and most of the time, your eyes would light up, but there was still something sad about you. I finally thought I had you back once we worked everything out. That sadness seemed gone. I could tell that you still held on to some of that worry, some of that pain, but not like before. And then when my world fell apart around me, I felt at war with both images. My heart still wanted you to be the girl I fell in love with, but my head wouldn’t let go of the woman that confessed to running off to abort my unborn child.”

  I winced and looked away. “Donnie—”

  “Stop, I’m not done.” He covered my lips with his hand, interrupting my interruption. “You’re journal from that time helped me see things better. I learned that you’re neither of those people. You’re someone else. And I haven’t given that person a chance. I’ve thought about a lot since I found the journal on Sunday. I went Monday back to that therapist I told you about, and I told him all of this. He made sense of my jumbled thoughts. He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, or anything I hadn’t already thought of, but he helped me organize it.

  “So, I have an unconventional proposition for you. We have the divorce papers signed. Let’s start over. We’ll lock those papers away, put those people behind us, and start fresh. I want to date you, Edie. I want to learn everything there is to know about the new you. And I’ve also learned that I’m not the same dorky kid from high school that you fell in love with. So I want you to get to know me, too. Let’s fall in love all over again. The new versions of ourselves. The ones with the pain, the past, the heartache, and most importantly, the undying love for each other. I want you to go with me to look at houses, since the old us lived here. We need a new beginning.”