“Maybe we could look for an apartment?”
“You want us to live together?”
“You could put it that way! Listen, we spend every night together and we’re past the age of emptying out a drawer for each other.”
“You know that it’s usually the woman who asks?”
“Then it’s my feminine side expressing itself! What do you think?”
“Maybe you’re right…”
Why put off this next step? He leaned over me, genuinely surprised, a big smile on his face. I was making him happy…
“Do you mean it? You want to live with me?”
“Yes!”
He kissed me, then leaned his head against mine. He was so considerate of me that I always had the feeling I was his fragile little thing.
“I would have understood if you weren’t ready… we’ll choose a place that’s ours.”
“That will be nice…”
A few days later, Olivier was in the bookstore; he was leafing through the private ads while calling the real estate agents in the neighborhood. He underlined things, made lists, got annoyed at the ridiculous ads and excited when he managed to get us a viewing. It was an arduous task; he’d gotten it into his head to find us an apartment in the area… For me, to make things easy for me.
“We have a problem!” he said.
“What’s that?”
“All the viewings are next Saturday.”
“Ah…”
“Indeed.”
We both had the same instinctive idea: to look at Felix who was eating one piece of candy after another. He’d started his “stop smoking” plan without intending to do without cigarettes. “I’m preparing myself, getting in practice,” he told me, very convinced. When he noticed we were both staring at him, he raised one eyebrow and popped a piece of candy in his mouth.
“What exactly are you two plotting?”
“You have to do Diane a favor.”
“That will cost you…”
“Felix, please,” I insisted. “We have apartments to visit on Saturday.”
“No problem! Take all the time you need to choose your love nest! As long as she leaves her hovel! And I’m splitting now!”
He wolfed down one last piece of candy before going over to Olivier and giving him a big hug.
“If you weren’t around, I don’t know what would have happened to me with her hanging on!”
“Ha! That’s enough!” I said, annoyed.
“I love you, Diane!”
He skipped away.
“We have to find a place where we’ll be happy,” I said to Olivier.
“I hope so! Are you really sure?”
“Yes!”
“You won’t miss living here?”
“Of course I will… but I want to move forward with you.”
I leaned over the counter and kissed him. I had to continue taking the next step, even if I sometimes told myself that we were going too fast; perhaps I had agreed to it because it felt comfortable and easy, or because I wanted things to remain simple, without any conflict, and so I wouldn’t be going backwards. That was something I refused to allow myself to do. I was content with Olivier; everything was gentle and peaceful.
When he arrived the next evening, I was about to call Abby. He came behind the counter to kiss me.
“Did you have a good day?” I asked him.
“Very good. Are you closing up soon?”
“First I want to call Abby.”
“Of course.
“Help yourself to a beer.”
I didn’t hide when I was calling Ireland. He knew how much I cared about Abby and needed to talk to her. He didn’t take offence. I sat down near the cash register and leaned on the counter. Olivier sat down on the other side and was leafing through a magazine. I dialed Abby and Jack’s number; I knew it by heart. It took a long time for someone to answer—it seemed interminable to me.
“Yes!”
It was neither Abby nor Jack. A shudder ran down my spine.
“Edward… it’s Diane.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Olivier look up slightly from his magazine.
“How are you?” he asked after a long silence.
“Oh… good, and you?”
“I’m OK…”
I could hear Declan’s voice behind him and smiled.
“And your son?”
“Better… in fact… I’m teaching him some photography…”
“Really? That’s wonderful… I…”
I preferred to stop talking rather than admitting out loud that I’d love to see the two of them with their cameras. That urge came from the past and I was surprised at how very strong it was…
“Who is it, daddy?”
Edward sighed into the receiver.
“Diane.”
“I want to talk to her! Diane! Diane!”
“Edward, tell him I send him my love but I’m in a hurry. Is Abby there?”
A simple precaution: in reality, I had all the time in the world.
“She’s gone to bed, but I’ll put Jack on. See you soon.”
While talking to Jack, I could hear Edward calming Declan down; he couldn’t understand why he was the only one who didn’t get to talk to me.
His father explained that I was in a hurry and I was with my family in Paris. That kept a distance and everything in its proper place. I stopped listening to them and concentrated on the news. Jack told me that Abby had been very tired for several days. I could sense the anxiety in his voice, but also his resignation.
“I’ll tell her you called; she’ll give me what for because I didn’t wake her up! Your calls always do her a lot of good.”
“I’ll try again tomorrow. Give her a kiss from me. And a big hug to you, Jack.”
“And to you, my little Frenchwoman.”
I hung up. For the first time since I returned, just over a month ago, I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to watch over Abby.
“Diane?”
“She was sleeping; she doesn’t sound in good shape.”
I sighed.
“I’ll call back tomorrow; maybe I’ll have more luck… Tell me about the apartments; that will keep my mind off it!”
The next day, while I was talking to Abby, I had a bad feeling. Of course, she wasn’t as weak as I’d imagined, but she spent a long time giving me a lot of advice—“Let time do its work, smile, don’t cry, listen to your heart”—calling me “her little girl” with every sentence, in a voice full of love and affection.
Saturday came quickly. The marathon of viewings started early and left me exhausted. We saw the worst places and the best. Olivier had taken charge of our file; all I’d done was provide him with various documents for my part of the deal. He took care to sell us to the owners while I strolled around our potential future home. He really fell in love with an apartment in the Temple district, and it was nice seeing him so enthusiastic. There was nothing to be said; it was perfect: two-bedrooms with a small balcony and a wonderful view, a little kitchen and a newly renovated bathroom with an Italian shower. And to Olivier’s immense delight, it was available immediately. He took my arm and led me to a corner of the living room.
“What do you think?”
“This would be a good place for us.”
“It’s not too far from the bookstore?”
“Really! I can walk for ten minutes!”
I could see the doubt on his face. I took the file from him and handed it to the real estate agent.
“When do you think you’ll be able to give us an answer from the owner?”
“Next week.”
“Fine. We’ll wait for your call.”
I took Olivier’s hand, glanced one last time around the living room and walked us to the elevator.
“You see? Done!”
I hugged him with all my heart, but also to silence a feeling of anguish I could sense building up in me. We slowly walked back to Happy People, holding hands, talking about moving
, like a normal couple. When he got to the bookstore, Olivier got a call from a friend, so stayed outside on the sidewalk to talk to him. Before putting myself through Felix’s interrogation, I poured myself a coffee.
“We made an offer to rent an apartment; we should know if it’s been accepted soon.”
“Wow! I don’t believe it. You’re going through with it!”
“Yep!”
He stared at me.
“Are you happy?”
“It’s just a little strange. I’m going to live with a man who isn’t Colin.”
“That’s true, but you love him.”
“Right.”
When Olivier joined us, he had a big smile on his face; he kissed me and I told myself that I had to stop torturing myself with a thousand questions: I was ready for him. I’d finally found peace.
I said the same thing to myself again that evening. We were invited to have dinner at his friend’s house—the young couple with the baby. Her babbling set my nerves on edge the second we got there. I found this picture-perfect little family unbearable, and I knew why. It made me think back to my family with Colin and Clara. They were so carefree, happy as could be, not thinking for a single second that everything could fall apart. Life had arranged for me to meet a man who had never been a father and was not concerned about passing on his heritage. I had everything I needed. And yet, I realized that I preferred the company of people who had been battered by life—that was what moved me, stimulated me.
When the baby was asleep, I could relax and enjoy the evening without brooding. At least I was with parents who didn’t hold their child in their arms the entire time. Olivier was the one who told them our big news. They didn’t hide their joy, and we made a toast to our apartment. Then they offered to help us move. Olivier got teased: moving twice in less than two months, that was really too much! I promised to buy everyone drinks as a reward. I was starting to get nervous; Olivier noticed and leaned towards me.
“Go and have a cigarette, no one will mind.”
“Thanks…”
I grabbed my ciggies and phone from my bag and excused myself. I had to go down to the street to get my dose of nicotine. Judith had tried to call me. She answered at the first ring.
“So what are you doing with your Saturday night?”
“I’m having dinner with some of Olivier’s friends. We’re celebrating our new apartment!”
“What? You’re going to live with him! So it’s really serious?”
“So it seems… And what about you, where are you going tonight?”
“Where do you think?”
I laughed.
“I’m at Temple Bar, out on the town tonight,” she said, confirming my suspicions.
“Good, so everything’s all right?”
“Yes, Abby’s been tired recently but she’s fine now. A scare over nothing.”
“You’re right to enjoy yourself. Have a Guinness for me!”
“Not just one, trust me. Many!”
As she was hanging up, I heard her order a pint amid the noise of happy people in the pub. That made me want to be there. I went back upstairs and took my place at the dinner table.
We got the apartment. We had to sign the lease the following week and pick up the keys shortly after. I was caught up in a whirlwind; I followed Olivier, who continued to do everything necessary. He managed to condense several days into one, juggling his patients’ appointments, our official documents, and arrangements for the move, while all I did was spend time at the bookstore. You’d think that my workload had doubled: I constantly thought about the bookstore, spent every night there, staying a little later each day. Was I taking refuge there to avoid my real problems? Happy People was where I felt at home, the place where I could find a balance again. I carefully avoided any conversations with Felix. He had a knack for putting his finger exactly where it hurt. Any doubt was forbidden.
That Monday, we spent the whole evening packing boxes at Olivier’s place. Preparing for the move after work had one advantage: it didn’t give me time to think any further about the commitment I was making to him. It was obvious I didn’t have his enthusiasm or eagerness at the idea of living together. Waves of memories surged up: I had been so excited to move in with Colin; it was all I thought about at the time; I was obsessed. And yet, I was sure I now loved Olivier enough to see it through. I had to accept that I’d grown up, that love at twenty-five couldn’t compare with love at thirty-five, especially when you’ve once had a family.
Both of us collapsed like a log when we went to bed. But our sleep was disturbed by my cell phone ringing in the middle of the night. I felt around for it on the night table. Despite my eyes being half closed, I saw “Judith” on the screen and knew. When I answered, I could hear the tears in her voice.
“Diane… it’s over…”
“My poor Judith…”
I listened as she told me that Abby hadn’t suffered, she’d smiled right up to the end and had gone to sleep peacefully in Jack’s arms two days earlier. He had instructions from her for all of us.
Judith, Edward, Declan, and me. Hearing that I’d been in Abby’s thoughts at the end made me shed my first tears.
“I’m so sorry to call you so late, but this is the first chance I’ve had. We’ve been getting everything ready…”
“Don’t worry. Where are you?”
“At their place; I don’t want to leave Jack alone. And Edward is taking care of Declan.”
“Try to get some sleep; I’ll call you tomorrow. I want to be with you…”
“I know… we all miss you…”
She hung up. I sat down on the bed and started sobbing. Olivier took me in his arms to calm me down; I was shaking. I had expected to lose Abby; I knew she was dying. But it hurt to think she would no longer keep her little troop in line, that she’d no longer be able to take care of anyone. Jack had lost his other half.
“I’m so sorry,” whispered Olivier. “What can I do to help you?”
“Nothing.”
He kissed me on the forehead, rocked me in his arms, and yet, I still felt alone; here was not where I wanted to be.
“I have to call Edward.”
I disentangled myself from Olivier, got out of bed, threw on a sweater, and went into the living room while dialing Edward’s number. He picked up at the first ring.
“Diane,” he whispered into the phone, “I was hoping you’d call.”
I needed to hear your voice, I thought.
“I’m here…”
I could hear the sound of his lighter and the first drag on his cigarette. I lit one, too. Each of us was smoking a cigarette in his own country, but together. I could hear the wind blowing.
“Where are you?”
“On the porch.”
“And Declan?”
“He just fell asleep.”
“When is the funeral?”
“The day after tomorrow.”
“So soon!”
“Jack doesn’t want to drag things out… he’s ready.”
“I’m going to come.”
“You can’t drop everything to be with us, even if I want…”
“My place is with you all and no one is going to stop me from coming.”
“Thank you… Declan woke up; he’s crying.”
“Call me when he’s back asleep, it doesn’t matter what time, I’ll answer. I have to book a plane ticket.”
“Diane, I…”
“Go to your son.”
I hung up, then stared at my phone for a long time before realizing that Olivier had come into the room. He’d been thoughtful enough to bring me an ashtray. I hadn’t even noticed him.
“Can I borrow your computer?”
“What are you going to do?”
“I have to get a plane ticket for tomorrow.”
“What?!”
“My place is at Abby’s funeral. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t go.”
“I understand.”
He went
and got his computer and sat down next to me on the couch.
“Go to bed.”
“Diane, let me do something for you.”
I put my arms around his neck. I was so sorry to do this to him, to spoil his plans, but I felt I was being called. My life had just been disrupted. And nothing, not the bookstore, not Olivier, not Felix, nothing could fight this urge.
“You can’t do anything; I’m really sorry. Don’t stay up all night because of me.”
He nodded, kissed me, and stood up.
“I won’t go to sleep without you, but I’ll leave you alone, if that’s what you want.”
“Forgive me.”
He didn’t reply. I watched him as he walked back to the bedroom, leaving the door open. While I was looking for a flight, all I could think about was Edward, who must be fighting Declan’s nightmares. I had just paid for my tickets when the phone rang.
“Edward…”
“He’s asleep now.”
“You should do the same.”
“And you!”
I smiled.
“I have my ticket; I’ll get there at eight o’clock tomorrow night and drive over right away.”
“That’s not a good idea. I’ll pick you up.”
“Don’t be silly. I’ve always hired a car, it’s what I usually do. I can manage like a grown-up. If there’s one person in the world who never tried to overprotect me, it’s you, so don’t start now!”
“No argument. I’m picking you up.”
“You won’t be driving during the day. What about Declan? He’ll be terrified to see you go.”
“If I tell him I’m going to get you, he’ll let me go… Judith will be with him, and it will do her good to be away from Abby for a few hours. I’ll leave late afternoon and we’ll be back by midnight.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Please, Diane. Let me come and get you; I need to get some air, to breathe.”
His call for help left me reeling.
“All right… go to sleep now.”
“See you tomorrow.”
He hung up. I took the time to smoke a cigarette; I needed one to realize I was actually leaving the next day for Mulranny to go to Abby’s funeral. And yet, deep down, I’d always known that I’d go back there when it happened. Ready to put myself in a dangerous position. My body was still in Paris but my spirit was already over there. When I went back into the bedroom, I couldn’t help noticing that Olivier wasn’t asleep; he was waiting for me, one arm folded under his head. He pulled back the covers for me; I slipped under them and pressed myself against him; he held me tight.
Don't Worry, Life Is Easy Page 12