“How long will you be gone?”
“Three days. Don’t worry, we’ll move in on time.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about…”
“What is it then?”
“It’s you.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to fall apart. Abby’s death has nothing to do with what happened to me; I was prepared for this. And I hope to keep my promise to her not to cry and to get on with my life.
“Really?”
I didn’t answer. He held me tight all night long. Sleep finally came and I managed to get a few hours. When I opened my eyes, realizing I’d lost Abby hit me and took my breath away for a moment. I controlled myself, fighting the pain. I had to get on with my day, prepare for being away, and reassure Olivier, whose expression of anxiety had only got worse during the night. He never took his eyes off me while we were having breakfast.
“What time does your plane leave tonight?”
“Seven o’clock.”
“I’ll sort things out so I can take you.”
“Don’t cancel any patients because of me.”
“I insist, so don’t try to stop me.”
Half an hour later, he left me at the bookstore. I opened the café and immediately got busy, instead of chatting with my early customers, as I usually did; I got everything in order, made sure that Felix would want for nothing and made time to call Judith. She sounded better than the night before; Edward had told her I was coming, and I could sense she was relieved. Then she put Jack on, even though I wasn’t prepared to talk to him.
“How are you, my little Frenchwoman?”
“Never mind about me, how are you?”
“Everything’s all right. We had our time together. I have a message for you, but you already know what it is.”
“Yes,” I said, sniffling.
“I’m touched that you’re making the trip. You’ll feel better for it, you’ll see.”
“See you tomorrow, Jack.”
My shoulders drooped as I hung up.
“What does that mean: see you tomorrow, Jack?”
I jumped when I heard Felix.
“I’m getting a plane tonight. Abby died.”
I turned my back to him and poured myself a coffee.
“You can’t do that! You can’t go to a funeral in Ireland.”
He grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look at him.
“Nothing’s stopping me!”
“Everything should be stopping you! Shit! Your life is going well, you have Olivier, the bookstore, you’ve turned the page. Forget Ireland and everyone there!”
“Don’t ask me to do the impossible! And don’t make such a fuss; I’ll be gone for three days and back in time to move.”
“In what state?”
“I’ve had enough of everyone worrying about me—you, Olivier. Stop thinking I’m going to fall apart at the first hurdle. I’m not the same now, I’ve taken control of my life, I’m fine and I know what I want. And what I want, what my heart is telling me, is to go and say goodbye to Abby, and to be at the side of the people I love.”
“And the kid, is he one of the people you love?”
His attack made me jump and stammer.
“I don’t know… Declan is…”
“Edward’s son! That’s what he is!”
I looked down at my feet. Felix held me tightly against him.
“You’re a pain in the ass, Diane. Go and screw up your head. I’ll be here to pick up the pieces.”
“There won’t be any pieces to pick up.”
“Stop playing the fool. It really doesn’t suit you.”
The day passed by very quickly; I barely ate breakfast so I could pack my suitcase. Felix agreed to work for the three days I was away. Olivier took me to the airport, as he’d said he would. All Felix did when we said goodbye was to kiss me on both cheeks and give me a look that meant “Be careful.” I left the bookstore, held Olivier’s hand, and stopped in the street after taking three steps to take a final look at my book café. I glanced at the display, the sign… Once again, I was leaving my refuge… for them, for Ireland…
The train journey took place in silence. Olivier held me close, kissed my hair now and again, and stroked my hands. I was responsible for his sadness, and I didn’t like that feeling. Was selfishness becoming second nature to me? I’d made this decision without thinking about him, or how it might affect him, without considering asking his advice for a single second.
I’d just checked in and we were outside; I was smoking one last cigarette before boarding when my phone rang.
“Yes, Edward.”
Olivier held me even closer.
“I’m on the road and wanted to know if your flight was on time.”
“That’s what’s posted.”
“I’ll meet you when you get through Customs.”
“That’s great. I’ll get off the plane as fast as I can.”
“See you soon.”
He hung up before I could reply. I turned toward Olivier who hadn’t taken his eyes off me; he was still anxious.
“Are you mad at me?”
“Of course not… They’re like family to you… It’s just not completely clear why you’re closing the door on that part of your life to me. I can’t take care of you the way I’d like to, that’s all.”
I took his hands in mine.
“When I get back, we’ll be together. Don’t worry.”
“Do you still want to move next weekend?”
“Yes!”
He took me in his arms and sighed into my neck.
“You’d better go now.”
He walked me as far as the last security gate.
“Don’t wait until you can’t see me any more before going home, OK? And please, don’t rearrange your schedule to come and meet me when I get back.”
He agreed and kissed me. I could feel he put all his love in that kiss, all his sweetness and tenderness. I returned his kiss as best I could. But I couldn’t tell how much I believed in it myself.
9
I was the first passenger to undo my seatbelt when the plane stopped on the tarmac, and the first out of the cabin. And I was the only one to loudly shout “Shit!” when I realized I had to walk through the entire airport. The wheels on my suitcase sometimes flew into the air, that’s how fast I was running. The sound it made aroused the curiosity of the other passengers, who immediately made way for me to pass. I refused to accept the reason I was running like that. The doors finally opened; Edward was waiting for me on the other side, leaning against a wall, an unlit cigarette between his lips. I slowed down to a stop; he stood up straight and walked toward me. I met him halfway, silencing what my heart was telling me. When we were standing face to face, he looked deep into my eyes.
“Shall we go?” he asked, out of politeness, taking my bag from me.
“Yes.”
He stepped closer and never took his eyes off me. Then he kissed me on the forehead; I held my breath and closed my eyes. When he walked away, headed for the parking lot, it took me a few seconds to come down to earth before following him. A blast of cold hit me. Winter had come with its biting wind and icy drops of rain. That should have made me think straight. Edward lit a cigarette and handed me the pack as we walked, glancing at me over his shoulder. I forbid myself from reacting as his fingers lightly brushed against mine. We didn’t lose any time, setting off as soon as my suitcase was in the trunk, without saying a word to each other. Driving along in the pitch darkness was so exhilarating that I thought Felix might be right: I was going to get all confused, in spite of the purpose of my trip. At certain moments, I felt almost innocent. I stared at Edward; he drove fast, with one hand on the steering wheel, sure of himself, lost in thought. He must have sensed I was watching him; he looked away from the road and stared deep into my eyes. What was happening was impossible, forbidden. What had happened to the distance between us of just a few weeks earlier? We both started breathing again at the same m
oment. The sound of my phone ringing took him back to concentrating on driving. I cleared my throat before answering.
“Olivier, I was about to call you! We’re on our way.”
“That’s good. Everything OK?”
“Yes.”
“I won’t keep you any longer. Send my condolences to Edward.”
“I will. Big kiss.”
“Diane… I love you.”
“Me too.”
I felt bad saying those two little words. I closed my eyes as I hung up and squeezed my phone in my hand as hard as I could. Edward lit a cigarette; so did I. I stared at the road through my window.
“Olivier sends you his condolences.”
“Thank him for me… Judith told me you were living with him.”
“We’re moving in together in four days.”
Silence and reality hit us hard. I slumped down in my seat, exhausted by my contradictory emotions. After about an hour, Edward pulled off the highway at a rest stop.
“I need some coffee. No point in asking if you’d like one…”
He got out of the car and pulled up the collar of his pea jacket. I followed him a few moments later and found him in front of the coffee machines. He gave a big yawn and ran his hand through his hair. He handed me a coffee while his cup was being filled.
“Ready to go?” he asked, after picking up his coffee.
He didn’t wait for me to answer. Once outside, he raised his face to the rain. He couldn’t keep going like this.
“How many days has it been since you’ve slept?”
“Three, I’m with Declan every night.”
“Give me the keys, have a nap while I drive. No arguments; I know the way, I know how to drive on the left, and you need to rest.”
He took a drink of coffee before shaking his head and handing me the keys. We both started laughing hard, and nervously, when we got into the car; I was miles away from the steering wheel. When I’d adjusted everything to my size, I started the engine and turned toward him.
“Go to sleep now.”
He put some music on: Alt-J’s latest album, and relaxed back in his seat. He raised his hand, reaching toward my cheek, but went no further. I put the car in first gear; he hadn’t stopped looking at me. A few minutes after we got back onto the highway, he whispered: “Diane… thank you.”
I glanced over at him, he was turned towards me, sleeping. For the first time, I felt like I was protecting him, taking care of him. I wished we could drive forever, without stopping, so he could finally truly rest, so I could continue to feel he was at peace; his face looked so relaxed. His snoring made me smile and told me he was in a deep sleep. That was already better than nothing for him. For me, it was two hours of thinking. Driving always had that effect on me. And that couldn’t happen in Paris! Driving, soothed by the music and concentrating on the road, made me feel wrapped in a cocoon. I might as well take advantage of the situation, which forced me to look deep into my soul. I’d believed the problem of Edward had been solved… How could I have been so stupid? His place in my life was far more important than I cared to admit. How should I act during the days that followed? Let myself go? Listen to myself? Put up barriers? Protect the life I’d rebuilt from the attack of this man who was sleeping next to me? Unless I preferred to fool myself that all this was only because we were both so fragile because Abby had died…
As we drove over the last hill before reaching Mulranny, I still hadn’t decided what to do, but I was going to have to wake him up. I softly called his name; he moaned and groaned in his sleep before opening his eyes. His first instinct was to light a cigarette.
“We’re here,” he said, his voice as hoarse as ever.
“Yes.”
“You’re sleeping at my place.”
“What?”
“Abby is at their house; I thought you might not want to sleep in the room next to her.”
That would, indeed, have been more than I could bear.
“You can have my room; I’ll sleep on the couch, not with Declan.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“You’re the one I should be asking that. If you prefer, we could find you a room in a Bed and Breakfast.”
I’d just parked in front of the cottage.
“Given the late hour, I doubt we’d find a room. And… I’d rather stay at your place.”
I was putting myself through one hell of a test. Either that or I was listening to my deepest desire…
The minute we got inside the house, Judith raced down the stairs.
“He’s asleep,” she said to her brother.
“I’ll go up to him.”
He went up three steps at a time, carrying my suitcase, before turning to speak to me.
“Thanks for driving… Make yourself at home. Good night!”
I gave him a little smile and he disappeared. I went over to Judith and held her tightly in my arms for several moments.
“How are you feeling?”
“All right, bearing up. And besides, Jack is so strong… you’ll see tomorrow… He’s wonderful… What about you?”
“I promised Abby I wouldn’t break down, so I’m making sure I keep my promise.”
“It’s good that you’re here… the whole family is here for her. I have to go; I want to make sure Jack is resting.”
She slipped on her coat. Then she looked at me, questioningly, a slight smile on her face.
“And sleeping at my brother’s house… You’re coping?”
“I don’t know, Judith… I don’t know.”
She hugged me again and gave me a kiss on each cheek before leaving. The living room was completely dark; I switched off the light in the hall and went upstairs. I saw a ray of light from under the door to Declan’s room. Edward had put my suitcase in my room. I’d already slept there once, when I was rock bottom and my relationship with him was at its very worst. That time seemed so far away…
After putting on the camisole and leggings I wore as pajamas, I sat down on Edward’s bed. I stayed there for a good half an hour before slipping on a sweatshirt and walking over to the closed door. I leaned my head against the wood, then backed away, biting my nails. I did this over and over again several times before deciding to open the door and step out into the hallway. A final stop in front of Declan’s room. Then I slowly pushed open the door. Edward was sitting in the armchair, staring at his son. He noticed me. I gestured at him not to move or make a sound. I walked over to Declan’s bed. I was filled with secret joy when I saw him; he was sleeping with his fists clenched, tightly holding his mother’s scarf. Nothing was stopping me from running my hand through his hair and kissing him on the forehead. I wanted to. My heart was bursting. My kiss tickled him but without waking him up. Then I went and sat down on the floor, next to Edward’s chair, legs crossed and my chin resting on my knees. I did what Edward was doing: I was watching over this child. Amidst the sadness over Abby’s death, he represented life. A few minutes later, I leaned my head against Edward’s leg. Every now and then, he stroked my hair. I lost all sense of time.
After about an hour, perhaps, Edward gently lifted my head, stood up, and took my hand to help me up. He led me out of his son’s room and walked me back into his bedroom where the bed awaited me. He stopped at the threshold of the room, still holding my hand.
“Try to get some sleep,” he said.
“What about you?”
“I’ll stretch out on the couch.”
Before letting go of my hand, he came closer and kissed me on the forehead, a kiss that lasted a very long time. Then he raced down the stairs. I closed the door and slipped under the covers. I fell asleep wrapped in his sheets, sheets that still held the scent of him.
I was vaguely starting to wake up when the door opened very noisily.
“Diane! You came back!” shouted Declan, jumping on the bed.
I barely had time to sit up before he threw his arms around my neck.
“I’m sooo happy!”
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“Me too, champ.”
It was completely true; not a flicker of anguish, no desire to push him away, just a feeling of happiness as I hugged him tight.
“How are you?” I asked.
“All right… Come on, we’re going downstairs. Daddy made you some coffee.”
He tugged at my arm.
“I’ll take a shower and come down.”
“OK!”
He went out, shouting my message to his father. Seeing him running in his pajamas and bare feet, I stopped myself from asking him to put on some shoes and a sweater.
When I went into the living room twenty minutes later, I had a quite a shock: Edward was wearing a suit and tie. I was dumbfounded; for just a second, I’d forgotten about Abby. Normally, he always looked untidy, his shirt buttoned up wrong and half hanging out of his jeans; now he was wearing a charcoal-grey suit that fit him perfectly, with a tie impeccably done, which gave him even more charisma, as if he needed any more. I must have looked comical because he started to laugh. I walked toward him with difficulty while he poured me a cup of coffee. I took it from him and drank some, without taking my eyes off him. He continued smiling while stroking his beard.
“I wasn’t sure if I should shave…”
“Don’t!”
It sounded like a heartfelt plea.
“It wouldn’t be you; she wouldn’t have liked that,” I continued, knowing I could speak for Abby.
He gave me a little smile and I walked away from him to join Declan and Postman Pat on the couch. Declan snuggled up against me.
“How long are you staying here?”
“Two days.”
“Is that all?”
“It’s better than nothing…”
“I guess,” he sighed.
Edward called me and gestured for me to follow him outside. This peaceful moment was coming to an end.
“I have to go to Abby and Jack’s; can I leave Declan with you for a couple of hours?”
“Of course; I’ll look after him, he has to get dressed. What time is the funeral?”
Don't Worry, Life Is Easy Page 13