After our band rehearsal we had taken the tram to Emilia’s apartment. Her place was a small one-room apartment with a small kitchen unit and a bathroom. I knew Emilia was a student of English language and literature and probably could not afford a larger apartment. I had never been to her place before. There were a small bistro table and two chairs in front of the kitchen counter. In the far corner, at the window, there was a desk with a laptop, a pile of papers, and an open book on it. Next to the desk was a large bookshelf full of books. In the other corner there was a foldout sofa, which she used for a bed. I leaned my instrument case against her desk and then we left for the next bar.
“But this time he’s gone too far. It’s the second time he cheated on me with Andrea,” Emilia resumed. She took another sip from her beer. “This time it’s over, I can’t stand it no more and it sucks.”
Her eyes became moist again. Without thinking I patted her hand. It was soft and warm and it gave me a strange feeling.
“I know how it feels. I’ve been there as well,” I said. We clinked glasses again and took another gulp.
“What about you, is there someone special?” Emilia asked.
“I’m single at the moment. And it’s okay with me,” I answered.
Emilia looked at me in surprise. “You’re cute, Jenny, so why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
I hesitated for a moment. Should I tell her about my crush on Lena Davids? And about my mother?
“It’s on purpose. I need to know who I am before I start dating again,” I said. I emptied my beer in one big gulp and we both ordered number three.
“Look, my mother is a pretty bad example in the relationship department,” I resumed after the waitress brought our fresh beer. I noticed I was staring at her nice round butt, but forced my eyes to look at Emilia again.
“My mother has a new lover every few weeks and I hate it. As soon as my brother and me get used to these men my mother ditches them.”
Emilia nodded. She played with a strand of her red hair and I couldn’t ignore how beautiful she was. However, I tried to put that thought into the back of my mind and continued, “I was on a similar course some time ago. You know, guys were hitting on me and I let them. I guess my reputation was spoilt within just a few weeks. I was sixteen at that time and at one point I realized I was a slut like my mother.”
Emilia looked at me with big round eyes.
“And you know what? I didn’t even have that much fun with the boys. I guess they had more fun than I had.”
What the hell are you telling her?
“I was happy that I could change school two years ago,” I continued. “At Goethe High School nobody knows about my slutty reputation and I behave myself since then, because I don’t want to be like my mother. Only Martin knows what I was like at the time. He’s been a friend for ages. He brought me home more than once when I was too drunk to walk steadily. He was the one who wanted to have me in his band and you know what? It means a hell of a lot for me. Music and the band have kept me going.”
“I wasn’t aware that you’ve known Martin for so long. Have you ever been - you know what I mean, more than friends?”
I shook my head. “No, Martin is really only a friend. He’s a good guy. I have only dated one boy in the last two years and he was the one who cheated on me.”
We changed topics and talked about everything and anything and finally realized that we were pretty drunk. We were giggling and babbling as we went back to her place.
“Want to spend the night at my place? I guess you’re too boozed up to go home by yourself all alone,” Emilia offered.
I agreed. We helped each other up the stairs to the third floor where Emilia’s apartment was. She opened the door to her apartment and disappeared into the bathroom. I took my cell phone from my pocket and tried to give my mother a ring, but she didn’t pick up her phone. I left a message on her voice mail.
When Emilia came back she was wearing a thin light blue sleep-shirt that ended in the middle of her thighs. The skin of her long and slender legs was remarkably pale. And the thin fabric of her shirt nicely hugged her small boobs. I swallowed hard and had to avert my eyes from her slender frame.
Oh my God, she’s beautiful.
“You can use the bathroom now. There’s another sleep-shirt there and you can use one of the towels on the shelf,” Emilia said factually. She hadn’t noticed my staring at her legs and her boobs or if she had she ignored it.
I hurried to disappear into the bathroom and took a quick shower. I found a green sleep-shirt and put it on. Green was my favorite color anyway. When I returned to the room Emilia was sitting on her bed already. She had prepared two shot glasses with a clear liquid waiting on her bedside table. She smiled and patted the place next to her.
“You can sleep in my bed if you don’t mind. I know there’s not too much space, but I guess it’s more comfortable than sleeping on the floor. What about a nightcap? It’s a Grappa.”
I felt awkward and hesitatingly slipped under her comforter. I immediately sensed the heat emanating from her body and my body began to flush.
Why did certain girls make me so damn nervous?
Emilia handed me the shot. We clicked glasses and downed the clear liquid. It burned while it ran down my esophagus.
“Thank you for being a friend, Jenny. I’m tired. Good night.”
“You’re welcome, Em. Good night.”
Emilia switched off the light, turned around, and was asleep within a minute.
I lay wide-awake. I felt Emilia’s butt against my waist with only a thin piece of fabric separating our skin. It excited me, but my thoughts were not about the girl next to me. I thought about her, about Lena Davids. I wondered what it would feel like if she were in bed with me. How smooth her skin would be. What would it feel like to touch her thick dark-brown hair and kiss her? How soft would her lips be on mine and how would it feel if our tongues touched? The very thought of it aroused me, but I could impossibly touch myself now with Emilia next to me.
For the hundredth time I wondered why of all the girls I knew I had a crush on Lena Davids? Okay, she was one of the popular girls, smart, good-looking and she had a boyfriend who played guitar in a rock band. She had a home with two parents; they had their own house and not just a three bedroom flat. They had two shiny cars and Lena drove her mom’s Mini Cooper from time to time. But that couldn’t be it.
She wasn’t even a lesbian. Nor was I. But then, where did these feelings come from?
I fell into an unquiet slumber. I dreamed that our band had a gig in a small club. The room was packed and it was very hot inside. The colored spotlights on stage only added to the heat. I was sweating profusely, but the gig was fun nevertheless. Suddenly I became aware that our singer was Lena and not Emilia. She looked so hot in a very short black leather skirt and a black tank top. She smiled when she turned and looked at me. All of a sudden the scene changed and I was in bed with Lena. I snuggled into her soft and warm body and put an arm around her waist. It felt so good that I could not suppress a soft moan, but Lena was chuckling.
I opened my eyes and it took me a moment to realize where I was – in Emilia’s bed. It was her warm and soft body I was cuddling and I had my right arm around her waist. It was Emilia who was giggling. I sat up in bed with a start.
Oh my God, what have I done?
Emilia turned around and smiled, while I blushed and bit my bottom lip.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Emilia teased.
“Good morning. What – what did I do in my sleep?”
“You snuggled into me and the sounds you made were very endearing.” There was a broad grin on Emilia’s face.
“Jesus Christ.” I covered my mouth with my right hand.
“Don’t worry, Jenny, it’s okay. I liked it actually. After what happened yesterday, it was good to have you here.”
“I should go. I have to work today,” I said. On Saturdays I worked as a waitress in a wine bar in the historic dow
ntown.
“No time for breakfast? There’s an Italian coffee bar not far from here. We could grab a cornetto and have a cappuccino.”
“Sounds promising.”
“You can use the bathroom first if you like.”
“Okay.”
+++
When I came home later the familiar wave of cigarette smoke and stale air hit me. I wanted to make a beeline to my bedroom, but noticed there was a stranger sitting on the sofa in the living room; probably just another man in the series of my mother’s conquests. My mother came from the kitchen, holding a mug with steaming coffee in each hand. As usual when she’d made a new conquest she was in a good mood and smiled at me.
“Hi honey, I want you to meet someone.”
I leaned my bass guitar against the wall in the hallway and followed her into the living room.
“Jennifer, this is Thomas, a colleague from work.”
“Thomas, this is my daughter Jennifer.”
The stranger named Thomas wanted to get up from the sofa, but I took a few steps forward and shook his offered hand. I doubted that he was just a colleague, but anyway I turned around and went to my room. My mother hadn’t even asked how I was and where I had spent the night.
CHAPTER FOUR - LENA
It was on Monday morning in the following week, the last week before Christmas break. I was on my way to my history class when my cell phone buzzed in my jeans pocket. I had spent most of my Sunday to write that damn history essay Britzinger had awarded me with for my zoning out during his class last week. I took the phone and looked at it. It was an anonymous message with just one photo. When I took a closer look at it my heart sank. The pic was a snapshot of Lena and Paulina kissing.
Oh my God.
A wave of mixed emotions ran through my mind. So I had been right with my gut feeling that Lena and Paulina were more than friends. This meant Lena was into girls – or at least she was bisexual. Thus, I didn’t have a crush on a straight girl. But at the same time I felt very sorry for her – the person who had sent the picture was definitely an asshole. So much was clear. That damned jerk had outed Lena and Paulina as lesbians and I was terrified about the consequences this might have for them. Okay, I didn’t care so much for Paulina, but even though I didn’t like her much, it wasn’t something she had deserved.
When I came into the classroom Lena was not yet there, but I noticed immediately that an excited chatter was ongoing. Some of the guys were cheering and whistling while looking at their cell phones. Vanessa, the classroom bitch, said something like “dirty dykes.”
Oh fuck.
I took my usual chair in the back of the classroom and stared at the entrance. Lena entered the classroom and suddenly the room fell silent except for a low murmur. She frowned and her eyes shyly scanned the room, but she hesitated only for the briefest of moments before she walked to her usual chair and sat down. It seemed to me that she was not yet aware of what was going on.
And she is so goddamn beautiful.
I didn’t have much time for further contemplation because Britzinger entered the room. It took only a few minutes until he called me to the front of the class and asked me to read my essay. I looked up from my paper every now and then and focused my eyes on Lena. Her face was very pale and she seemed to be distracted. She had removed the ribbon that had held her ponytail and let her hair fall down over her shoulders. She stared at her notepad and doodled with her pen. Some of our classmates kept on staring at her.
“Thank you, Ms. Meier.” Britzinger seemed to be pleased with my essay, because he nodded and asked only a handful of questions before I was allowed to return to my seat.
When history class ended I watched as Vanessa grabbed Lena’s arm and prevented her from leaving the classroom.
“Hi, darling, wanna kiss me?” Vanessa’s voice was like honey.
“Are you crazy or what?” Lena shook her off.
“Oh come on, darling, don’t be so shy, I know you like girls more than boys. Why don’t you kiss me?”
Lena cringed at that and I could tell she was dumbfounded.
“Just leave me alone, Vanessa, and mind your own business,” Lena snapped, turned around, and ran down the hallway.
I felt so sorry for her that it hurt and I wanted to beat the shit out of that bitch Vanessa. But I only got up from my chair and slowly left the classroom. I watched as Kevin and his gang stopped Lena further down the hallway and they were calling her names and giving her catcalls. It was disgusting and I could only hope that Lena and Paulina would somehow survive this.
After school was over I felt the need to talk to somebody. I called Emilia, but her phone went to voicemail and I left her a message. Then I called Martin.
“Hi Blacky, what’s up?”
“Hi, can we hang out later? I mean I need to talk.”
“Uh, that sounds serious. Want to come to my place or want to meet up somewhere?”
“What about a pizza?”
“Yes, sure, at 6 pm at ‘La Gondola’?”
“Okay, see you then.”
‘La Gondola’ was an Italian restaurant in the area where we lived. It was not the most fancy place, but its pizza was okay.
+++
“Hey, Blacky.” Martin had a broad grin on his face when he saw me. I had already secured a table at one of the windows. Martin plopped down on the chair opposite of me. He obviously had showered after work. I could smell his soap and shampoo.
“Hey Martin.”
The waiter came and we placed our orders.
“Now Jenny, what’s up with you? What do you want to talk about?”
“Well, something happened at school today, I mean it has nothing to do with me. It is about two girls at my school. They seem to have a kind of relationship.” I took out my cell phone and showed him the photo.
“Wow, they are cute.”
“That’s not what I wanted to hear from you, you jerk. Some bloody idiot sent the photo around at school. Whether the girls wanted it or not, they are out of the closet now and there are quite some people who give them a lot of shit.”
“That’s disgusting. What do you think is going to happen?”
“Seriously, I don’t know. Maybe the teachers can do something to stop the bullying.”
“But that would not stop them from bullying the girls outside school. Anyway, why are you so upset, Jenny, why does it concern you?” Martin’s blue-grey eyes looked at me as if the answer was written on my face.
Because I have a crush on Lena.
I felt I blushed and I was searching for something to say, but then the waiter came with our pizzas and saved me from answering.
“Any news from Robin and Emilia?” I changed the topic.
“Actually, no. Robin is an asshole as far as girls are concerned, but he’s a good drummer. I think it’s not fair how he treats Emilia. Besides, it’s not good for the vibe within the band.”
“You’re right. But despite of it the rehearsal went very well last Friday, because Emilia saved it.”
+++
There was a soft keyboard intro and then heavy drums, bass, and guitar fell into a staccato rhythm. It was a new song we were rehearsing that Friday night. It was our last rehearsal before the Christmas holidays and Emilia was late as usual. She had sent me a text message earlier that week that she was quite busy with her studies and could not hang out with me. We had already started our rehearsal without her when the door opened and Emilia came in. She looked gorgeous in tight black leather pants and a red sweater. Her long red hair fell freely over her shoulders. Her eyes went to Robin first and then to me. She smiled when my gaze met her. She waved to everybody, walked over to the microphone, took a crinkled sheet of paper with the lyrics from her pocket, and began to sing.
“Are you guys all coming over on Christmas Eve?” Marlon asked after we had finished our rehearsal. It had become a kind of tradition over the last years to meet in the band room later on Christmas Eve, once the family dinners were over. Everyb
ody agreed.
“And remember you can bring your special one,” Marlon added. He looked at me. “You have a special one this year, Jenny?”
I shook my head and Marlon laughed. “So I guess it will be you and Martin again.”
How I wish I could bring Lena with me.
+++
I lay on my bed later that night and stared at the ceiling in my darkened bedroom. I couldn’t sleep. And of course my thoughts were about her, Lena. The teachers at school had made it clear that bullying would not be accepted and they asked for respect and tolerance. Somehow Lena and Paulina seemed to have kicked off something. Both of them had looked really shaken over the previous days, but had kept themselves remarkably well. I wished that I could have been of any use. I’d have loved to take her into my arms. And that thought lead to fantasies of kissing and making love to her. I could no longer suppress this wanting and lusting after her and I promised myself to talk to her after the holiday break.
But what was I expecting? She seemed to be into girls, so much was clear. But she was in love with Paulina. How then could I persuade her to be with me?
There was another important issue on my mind. What if she said yes? What did I want from her? To spend a night with her? Dating her? And then there was the most important question of all: Was I a lesbian or just bi-curious or what?
I only knew the next two weeks would be very long.
+++
“I need to tell you guys something,” Emilia said to the group of people hanging out in our band rehearsal room on Christmas Eve. Marlon and his girlfriend Sophie had provided a few chairs and some snacks, but instead of a Christmas tree there were two cases of beer in the middle of our circle. We were sitting between amplifiers, speakers, and instruments.
Martin had picked me up at home earlier this evening. The usual Christmas Eve dinner with my mother, her new lover Thomas, and my brother Chris had been a bore. Of course my mother had been in a good mood, but I’d bet my ass that Thomas would have a half-life of only two or three months. So I was glad when Martin picked me up at 10 pm.
Jennifer's Crush Page 2