“How was your evening, Martin?” I looked at him from the passenger seat of his car.
“Nothing exciting. Yours?” He briefly looked at me before his gaze returned to the windshield.
“It sucked as usual. Mom’s new lover, you know, and my brat of a brother.”
“Speaking of this, did you know that Robin is bringing Andrea tonight?”
I gasped. “Really? Poor Emilia. How can Robin do this to her? He’s such a jerk.”
The small party in our rehearsal room now included Marlon and Sophie, Robin and Andrea, Emilia, Martin, and me. As usual Emilia had been the last one to show up and her face fell as soon as she saw Robin with Andrea.
“So what is it that you want to tell us, Emilia?” Martin asked.
Emilia looked to the floor and fidgeted with her fingers. “I’m going to leave the band.” Several heads turned to Robin, while he seemed to be very interested in the label of his beer bottle.
Emilia looked up and her eyes immediately locked with mine. “I’ll be gone for half a year. I need a semester abroad for my studies and now I have this opportunity in London.” Slowly, but steadily, a broad smile appeared on Emilia’s face.
“Wow, you’re going to London for six months, that’s so cool,” I said. I got up from my chair and hugged her.
How good she smelled and how good it felt to hug her.
“Yep, I can’t believe that I have this kind of luck.” Emilia said. “So I thought it would be best to quit the band. No use to wait for me so long.”
Martin rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. “This means we need a new singer. When are you leaving, Emilia?”
“Early in February.”
“Shit, when is Carnival? I mean our Club gig?”
“It’s in February,” Marlon added.
“I might have a replacement,” Emilia said. “She’s a friend of mine and I think she’s a better singer than I am. I know that she’s keen on singing in a band. If you like, I can bring her here for an audition soon.”
“That would be really cool,” Martin and I said simultaneously.
“Yeah, she’s pretty cool. I guess you guys will like her very much.” Emilia looked at me specifically and there was something in her eyes I could not quite guess.
“Okay, Emilia, ask her to come to our next rehearsal in January. What’s her name anyway?” Martin said.
“Sherinia.”
The moment Emilia said her name out loud something fluttered in my stomach.
Weird.
+++
I couldn’t help it, Christmas made me sentimental every year. Maybe it was due to happy memories of earlier days when Dad was still around. Even though I saw him from time to time and we chatted over the Internet it was never the same after he had left.
I had persuaded Martin again to attend mass with me in the big cathedral on Christmas day. I knew he did it only for me, but it had become a kind of ritual for us. I wasn’t exactly religious anymore, that was long gone. But on Christmas I somehow needed this special atmosphere within the old walls of the Gothic Cathedral. The smell of incense and candle wax hung heavily in the air when I suddenly saw her. My heart began to beat faster and something in my stomach stirred. She was not far away from me just on the other side of the aisle. She seemed to be there with her family; there was no sign of Paulina. Lena’s face was still quite pale but she looked much better than she had at school last week. Her dark-brown hair was in a neat ponytail and she had one of those orange-colored scarfs around her neck, which Paulina used to wear, too. Lena wore a black winter jacket, black jeans, and knee-high black boots.
She’s so beautiful.
She seemed to have zoned out completely. I could tell that she was simply going through the motions, but did not actively participate in singing or praying.
At one point she must have noticed that I was staring at her, because she turned her head and looked directly at me. I could not help but smile. Her blue eyes widened for a moment and she smiled back at me.
Her smile melts my heart.
When mass was finally over and everybody pushed and shoved to the exit, I came very close to her; Martin was further behind me.
I need to talk to her.
My heart raced and I felt myself blush as I softly touched Lena’s arm and smiled at her. Her beautiful eyes widened and she smiled back.
“Merry Christmas, Lena. Nice to see you,” I said. My voice sounded squeaky.
“Merry Christmas, Jennifer,” Lena replied in a soft voice.
“How are things, you know, after all that shit at school?” I asked. I assumed that my face was tomato red by now.
“Well, so far so good. Why are you asking?”
“Uh, I just wanted to know how you are doing. Where is Paulina?”
“She’s gone to Austria with her parents for snowboarding.”
“So you’re alone over Christmas? What a pity. I’m here with my boyfriend.” I tilted my head in the direction of Martin who was now a few steps behind us.
Why the hell did I say that? Martin isn’t your boyfriend.
We were outside of the cathedral now on the market square and from the corner of my eyes I realized that Lena’s mother was staring at us.
“See you around after the holidays, Jennifer,” Lena said.
“See you, Lena. It was great to have met you.” I could not stop myself and without further thinking I threw my arms around her and hugged her.
Oh my God she’s in my arms.
My eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment. I could smell her hair and the perfume she used. It was an intoxicating mix and my heart raced like crazy. I let her go and immediately felt the cold where here warm body had touched me. Lena seemed to be a bit confused about my behavior, but slowly her face lit up and she briefly waved her hand as a good-bye.
I stood rooted to the spot for a moment and my whole body felt flushed when Martin took my arm.
“Who was that?”
“Uh, that was Lena, you know, one of the two girls from school.”
“Oh, I see, she’s one of the Lezzies.” Martin looked at me attentively. “What is it with you, Blacky? You have a soft spot for her, right? If I didn’t know better I’d even say you have a crush on her.”
Jesus Christ, is it so obvious?
Martin punched my arm playfully. “Oh, c’mon I can understand that, she’s drop-dead gorgeous.” I noticed that Martin was looking at me, not after Lena. “I could see myself with a girl like her. It’s a pity she plays the other team.”
“Yeah, she plays soccer,” I said absent-mindedly. My eyes followed the small group of Lena’s family. “She’s on the girls’ varsity team and she’s an amazing player.”
“That’s not what I meant, stupid.” Martin laughed and took my arm. “C’mon let’s go. I’m freezing.”
CHAPTER FIVE – MARTIN
I spent most of the next days in my bedroom. I practiced my bass guitar play, but also developed a few ideas for new songs. I connected my old electric guitar to my laptop and played around with Garage Band until I had a demo file that I could take to the next band rehearsal. I also listened a lot to my favorite female-fronted bands, but all that didn’t prevent me from feeling lonely. Even my younger brother Chris had a girlfriend now. Though she was only a 15-year-old blond bitch I somehow envied him. I could hear the both of them laughing and fooling around in Chris’ room next door. And suddenly it struck me that New Year’s Eve was close and I still had nothing planned. Of course I thought about her, Lena. But there was no way I could call her. Paulina must be back by now and they would surely spend New Year’s Eve together.
I considered my options and there weren’t many. There was no denying it. I had pissed off all of my former best female friends due to my slutty behavior three years ago. I had even been in bed with Max, the then boyfriend of my best friend Johanna. Of course in Johanna’s opinion I was the one to blame and not Max. In fact it had been Max, who had started things with me, but the outcome
was the same, Johanna had ditched me.
Okay, I had really been ruthless during that year. I drank too much, smoked weed, and fucked around. I didn’t know what was really going on with me. I was sad and angry and I didn’t know what person I was. And I missed my dad.
But I had changed since then. I had stopped messing around and smoking weed. I didn’t drink much booze anymore. Since I had switched school I had become a better student and I wanted to graduate. I kept mostly to myself and didn’t have any friends at Goethe High. I was not popular like Lena Davids or Paulina Janssen. Okay, I was aware I was good-looking and there was always a line of guys wanting to date me. I wasn’t interested in even one of them and turned them down accordingly. I didn’t want to go back to where I had come from. And now there was this stupid crush on Lena Davids.
So I had lost all of my friends except for Martin. He was the one who had always been there for me. He held my head and pulled my hair back when I was drunk and threw up in the street. He took me home when I lay in the gutter, too drunk to go home on my own. He picked me up when the girlfriends of the boys I had fucked with kicked my ass. Martin had taught me how to play guitar and wanted to have me in his band. Martin was my only true friend. Thus it was clear I should call him.
I might also call Emilia I thought. Emilia and I had clearly come closer since my recent sleepover at her place. And I liked her very much. Okay, so why not give it a try? I took my cell phone and dialed her number.
“Hi Jenny, what’s up?”
“Hey Emilia, how are things at your end?”
“I’m okay. I’m at home at my parents’ place in Hannover. Meeting some old friends and stuff.”
“Oh.”
“Jenny, what is it with you?”
“Uh, Em, I was wondering if you had any plans for New Year’s Eve?”
“Oh, I see. I’m really sorry, Jenny, I’m staying here until early January. I’m having a party with some old friends from High School. I’m sure it will be fun. What about you, I mean, maybe the boys from the band are planning something?”
“I don’t know. I wanted to hang out with you. Guess I’ll call Martin then.”
“Jenny?”
“What?”
“Are you sure Martin is only a friend? I mean he has only eyes for you and does everything you want for you. I think he’s into you.”
I was silent for a moment. Maybe Emilia was right.
“Jenny?”
“Yes?”
“I have talked to Sherinia by the way. She’s quite keen on singing in the band. She will come along to our next rehearsal in January. She’s really cute, you will like her and the boys will go crazy.“ Emilia started to giggle. “But there’s something I’m telling you only. Please keep it to yourself as long as she wants it to be a secret.”
“What is it, Em?”
“Sherinia is gay. She’s a lesbian.”
My heart began to quicken. Sherinia was into girls.
“This is my kind of revenge for Robin. I’m sure he will try to hook up with her. If only I could see his face when she turns him down.” Emilia laughed, she didn’t notice that I held my breath.
“Yeah, that is something,” I managed to say. My throat was dry.
“Okay then, Jenny, I need to go. Thanks for calling. See you next year then.”
“Yes, see you next year. Bye, Em.”
I ended the call. My heart raced and I felt a lump in my throat. So Sherinia was a lesbian. I couldn’t wait to see her. I drank half a bottle of water before I could call Martin.
“Hey, Blacky,” he answered the call.
“Hey! Martin, listen, I completely forgot about New Year’s Eve. Any plans?”
“Yeah, I wanted to ask you anyway. There’s a party at the Rock Club with live music and drinks and fireworks at midnight. Robin and Andrea are going, so why don’t we join them?”
“Okay, cool, let’s go to that damn party and rock the club.” I was really enthusiastic now.
“Cool. Robin will get us tickets. I guess we should take the bus, doesn’t make sense to drive on such a day. I’ll come to your place around 8 pm. Looking forward to it. See you, Blacky.”
“See you, Mart.”
Finally, there was something to look forward to.
+++
I woke up with a headache and a taste like paper in my mouth. Must have been the shots I had downed after midnight. Suddenly I noticed that I felt a warm, slender and muscular body next to me. This body however was not as soft as Emilia’s had been recently. I opened my eyes tentatively and tried to sit up to see where I was and who was next to me. I felt sick to my stomach immediately. I squinted and saw there was a mop of blond hair beside me.
The room was still dark, but there was enough daylight streaming through the blinds to help me realize that I was in Martin’s room and the body next to mine was Martin.
Oh my God, what I have done! I’m in bed with my best friend.
I lifted the comforter to check if I was naked. I was still wearing my shirt and my panties. Martin even had his jeans on. That looked like a good sign. I felt a bit relieved immediately. Maybe I hadn’t slept with him. Slowly, but steadily, my memory kicked in.
New Year’s Eve had been fun at first. Martin and me had met with Robin and Andrea outside of the club. The place was already packed and the party was in full swing as we went inside. The live band covered oldies from Beatles to Status Quo and the club was boiling. I danced with Martin, Robin, and Andrea and we had a lot of fun. Even Andrea, Robin’s replacement of Emilia, turned out to be nice even though she looked like a blonde Barbie doll. We downed a few bottles of beer and everything went well until it was my turn to go to the bar and get us a new round. On my way to the bar I bumped into Max Stauder, the ex-boyfriend of my former best female friend Johanna. The very guy I had fucked with three years ago.
“Hi, Jenny, what a nice surprise to see you.” There was a broad grin on his face. But my face fell when I saw him. Nevertheless I had to admit that he was a handsome guy, even better looking than three years earlier. He looked more like an adult now and his muscles showed that he seemed to go to a gym regularly. But he still had this macho attitude and this derisive look in his eyes when he looked down at me. I wanted to get rid of this unwelcome reminder of my inglorious past as soon as possible.
“Hi, Max,” I said and turned around to make a beeline to the bar. But he grabbed my arm and stopped me. “Hey Jenny, please wait a moment. How are you? Long time no see.”
“I’m okay. Yourself?”
“Pretty good, thank you. I’m on the soccer varsity team of our school and I’m going to study sports after graduating.”
While I answered his questions simply with yes or no he began to tell me about all his recent achievements and successes. But I simply wanted to run away from him. However, he wouldn’t let me go. I began to look out for Martin or Robin, but didn’t see them. Suddenly I noticed that Max had his arm around my shoulder and tried to draw me closer. I pushed him away, but didn’t succeed. Next he tried to kiss me. I turned my face away so his mouth only met my hair.
“Hey Jenny, why are you so shy? I remember you weren’t a prude at that time. Actually, I’ve seen you naked before. Come on, Jenny, why don’t you come with me tonight? I bet we’ll have a lot of fun. You look really hot, even hotter than three years ago.”
“Please, Max, let me go. I’m not like this any more. I’m here with friends.”
“Oh come on, Jenny, they will wait here for you. We could be back soon if you really wanted, which I doubt.” He tried to kiss me again, but I turned my head away once more. However, I could not escape since he held me in a viselike grip.
“Max, please, you’re hurting me,” I implored. It was useless. He tried to push me to the exit. Just as I thought about crying for help I saw Martin’s face appear behind Max’s shoulder. “Hey Jenny, any problems here?” Martin yelled as he grabbed Max’s arm.
Max turned around, but still held me close. “Mi
nd your own business, man, this is my girlfriend,” Max replied and turned to me again.
Martin took a step forward and blocked our way to the exit. “I happen to know that she’s not your girlfriend. Let her go.”
For a moment I was afraid they would start a fight, but when Robin appeared next to Martin, Max released me.
“Okay then, join your fuckboys, you bitch,” Max hissed into my ear. Then he turned around and went back in the direction of the bar. I was trembling and breathing heavily. Martin put his arm around my shoulder. “Who was this asshole?”
“A ghost from the past,” I answered shakily. “Thank you for rescuing me.” I kissed him on his cheek.
“You’re welcome. You okay?”
I nodded. “Let’s get us a drink, I need one now,” I said.
We fought our way to the bar where Andrea was waiting for us. I ordered four bottles of beer and four Vodka shots for us. We downed them quickly and Robin ordered another round. Shortly before midnight we went outside, beer bottles in hand. I suddenly realized that Martin still had his arm around my shoulder, but I didn’t mind at that moment. I felt safe and protected by my best friend.
“What’s your resolution?” Martin asked as the countdown to midnight began.
“To graduate and to find out who I really am,” I answered. “Yours?”
“To finally find a girl who loves me.”
We clicked bottles and I kissed him on his cheek again. I did the same with Robin and Andrea.
While we watched the fireworks my thoughts invariably returned to Lena. Where was she? Was there any realistic chance that she would love me back? I didn’t think so and the thought of it made me sad and feel lonely.
When the fireworks were over Martin took my hand and we went back inside the club. Martin ordered another round of beer and shots. And then it was Andrea’s turn and then Robin’s and when it was my turn again I was pretty drunk. I hadn’t been so drunk for years. I realized that I was a bit unsteady. And then Martin’s face was impossibly close and I felt his lips on mine. My dizzy brain produced one last image of Lena and me kissing and then I gave in to Martin’s kiss. It was not as awkward as I had expected it to be, but neither did I savor it. He pushed his tongue into my mouth and I let him. From the corner of my eye I noticed the surprised look on Robin’s face and it dawned on me what I was about to do. I broke the kiss immediately.
Jennifer's Crush Page 3