Into the Blackness (Blackness Series Book 4)

by Norma Jeanne Karlsson

  “Anything,” she responds immediately.

  “I need Kieran’s number,” I ask quietly.

  “Hang on,” she instructs and I hear the phone move around before she comes back. “Just texted it to this number you called on. You want me to email it too?”

  This is why I love this woman. No questions, no hesitation, just trust.

  “Nah, this is good. Have I told you how much I love you?”

  “Not lately,” she goads.

  “I love you, Shanny. More than you’ll ever know.”

  “Well that’s a fuckin’ lie. I know how much you love me because I love you just as much.”

  “I never can win with you can I?”

  “My team never loses,” she offers a very true line that’s kind of a motto in her life. “I miss you, Nicky. This is the longest we’ve gone without seein’ each other since I got home,” she finishes softly.

  “I miss you too, Shanny. I told you this is my last op, promise. I’ll be around more. Time to live a more normal life.”

  “I agree. This shit drives me nuts. Not knowin’ where you are. Not bein’ able to get a hold of you. Worryin’ I’ll never know if somethin’ happens to you,” she trails off with sadness in her voice that crushes me.

  “You’re my contact if somethin’ happens, Shanny. You’ll know,” I try to reassure her.

  “’Kay.” She’s not reassured.

  “Hey, don’t worry about me. I’m not as badass as you, but I’m pretty good. This op isn’t like others. I’m fine. You just worry about Johnny and the twins. I’ll be in Kansas City before you know it and…I have someone for you to meet.”

  “Holy fuckin’ shit! You met someone? Who is she? How’d you meet her? Oh never mind you won’t answer me. Nicky…you met someone?” she asks tenderly, genuinely happy for me.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well thanks for all the details,” she huffs, but I know she doesn’t mean it. “Nicky, I’m so thrilled for you. You know that right?”

  “I know.”

  “When do I get to meet her?”

  “Once I’m done with this op. We’ll be on a plane the next day, Shanny. This won’t seem real until you know her. You’ll love her.”

  “Of course I will,” she says emphatically. “Well hurry up and knock off some bad guys and get your woman to Kansas City. I’d like to be able to walk when I meet her.”

  “I’m workin’ on it.” I laugh at her exuberance.

  “Work faster!” she demands. “Is she hot?”

  “Yes.”

  “Your dick raw yet?”

  This is the other thing I love about Shanny. She’s more guy than girl. I’ve never met anyone like her. She has a commanding presence that’s peaceful at the same time. I thought she was the woman for me, but now that I have Kat I realize that I can’t handle Shanny. I need the sweet and soft that Kat gives me that Shannon Kelly just isn’t. Shanny runs shit, until her man puts his foot down. She’s my best friend and that’s the perfect place for her in my life.

  “It’s gettin’ there,” I answer in a chuckle.

  “That’s the best. When it hurts so good,” she purrs.

  “Quit talkin’ about it or I’ll have to go hit it again. I’ve got work to do,” I scold her.

  “I’ve turned into a fiend bein’ pregnant. Kel ran away from me two days ago because I’d worn his ass out,” she says in a full belly laugh and I imagine her doubling over, her green eyes alight and her auburn hair cascading around her face. Beautiful. Dylan Kellerman has his hands full. I have even more respect for him now. He’s a stronger man than I am tangling with the force that Shanny is. I’ve got my hands full with Kat. The best hand I can imagine playing.

  “I almost feel bad for him,” I joke.

  “Liar.”

  “I’m sure he’s caveman happy.”

  “I swear me bein’ pregnant has lowered his IQ exponentially. It was bad after Johnny was born, but now…it’s ridiculous.”

  “It’s biological. Can’t be helped.”

  “Wait ’til you talk to Kieran. He’s just as bad.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. I should get off here and call him,” I say a pretty bummed to end our conversation.

  “All right. Keep yourself and your woman safe. I hope you have a good Thanksgiving if I don’t talk to you,” she says with capped emotion in her voice.

  “I’ll call,” I assure her.

  “’Kay,” she sighs. “Bye, Nicky. Love you.”

  “Love you too. Bye, Shanny.”

  I take a moment and let the good feelings I have from that conversation roll over me before I have to call and make a deal with the devil. Well, he’s not the devil. He’s actually a good man that happens to be the head of an organized crime family. Still, this might be rough.

  “Yeah,” Kieran Delaney’s whiskey and tar voice reverberates through the phone.

  “Kieran, it’s Nick,” I say professionally.

  “Man, you’re gonna have to be more fuckin’ specific than that,” he scoffs.

  “Nick Cooper.”

  There’s a long pause and I hear him moving away from the laughter of kids in the background.

  “Is Shannon okay?” he asks in a growl.

  “She’s fine. I just got off with her. She gave me your number,” I assure him before he flips the fuck out.

  “You must be in a fucked up situation if you’re callin’ me. What’s up?”

  Kieran is one of the smartest men I’ve ever met in any kind of life, criminal or otherwise. He can read a situation and people faster than anyone. He’s also a deadly fighter and a generally scary motherfucker. I respect him and always have. I’ve known him for most of my life, while I was undercover and before when I was a kid in a crime family. Kieran just took over a local crime syndicate in Chicago and cleaned it up a bit. He removed the guns and drugs in favor of protection and illegal fighting. He may be a criminal, but he’s not morally repugnant like most people in the life are.

  “I’m runnin’ an op that may lead back your way. I need some background, but I’ve got pretty much nothin’ to give you to go on.”

  “What’s in it for me?”

  “Whatever fee you want. Plus an opportunity to squash some fucked up shit in your neck of the woods.”

  “Twenty-five to start and if I need more I’ll let you know.”

  “Fine. I picked up a girl last night. She’s from Chicago. Been missing for ten years or so. She’s not sure. She was seven years old when she was taken. Her first name is Cara.”

  “That’s all you got?” he asks shocked at my lack of intel.

  “She’s been locked in a dungeon according to her. She was in shock and totally fucked up when we found her. Not really a good time to press for more.”

  “No shit. What’s she look like?”

  “Like Shannon at seventeen,” I say in a growl.

  Kieran draws in a hissed breath.

  Shanny was attacked and almost raped at seventeen. It’s a hard memory for Kieran because he wiped out the trash that attacked her. I’m sure that part brings him joy…I know it would me. But the memory of what she looked like after the attack has to have stuck with him.

  “Fuck. I bet that fucked with your head,” he grumbles letting me know it’s fucking with his.

  “Yeah and then some,” I grunt.

  “I’ll figure it out. Give me some time. Quinn’s a little crazy with the pregnancy so I’m kinda handcuffed right now.” He’s happy about it based on the tone of his voice. Kieran Delaney badass master criminal has a fiancée, her two kids—which are just as much his as hers—and another on the way. I never would have believed it until I saw it with my own eyes in September.

  I made a quick journey to Kansas City for Shanny’s birthday. Shane and Kat about flipped out, but I couldn’t miss it. It was a fast in and out that I sold as a business trip to the prying eyes of Maybelle. It played just fine. Kieran got engaged that weekend. Talk about a shock. If a man like him can find
happiness and a family I’ve got hope that I can have it too.

  “How’s she doin’?” I ask politely. Kieran is as much of a caveman as I am so I don’t want to come off as disrespectful, even more after Shanny’s warning.

  “She’s good. Tired and pissed at me for knockin’ her up most of the time. Nothin’ new really,” he says through a chuckle. “Nothin’ hotter than a pissed pregnant woman.”

  “I’ll have to take your word for that,” I respond in my own chuckle.

  “Okay. I’ll get on this for you. Send me your contact details.”

  “I appreciate it, Kieran.”

  “No problem. I’ll be in touch.”

  We hang up and I feel better than I thought I might after talking to Kieran. I’m ready to be done with work for the day and enjoy the evening with my family. After talking to Shanny and Kieran about pregnancy and babies I realize it’s time to talk to Kat about Shane’s idea. I feel slightly insane because the idea of getting Kat pregnant excites me. It should freak me out or make me nervous, but it doesn’t. I want this life with her. I want everything with her. I can only hope she wants it too.

  Nick

  “Can a vagina swell shut?” Kat asks as we slide into bed.

  “I don’t know,” I answer in a snicker.

  “I think mine’s closed up like Fort Knox.”

  “Sorry,” I say sincerely.

  I’ve broken my favorite new toy from playing with it too much like an over eager five-year-old on Christmas.

  “I’m sure it’ll go back to normal. Or maybe it won’t and I’ll have to go get vaginoplasty.”

  “What the fuck is that?”

  “I don’t know, but it’s a thing and I might need it because your giant dick broke my lady bits.” She tries to deadpan but breaks into gut busting laughter.

  I scoop her body beneath mine and smile down at her glowing face. Happiness looks so much better on her than any of her masks.

  “Can I kiss it and make it better?” I ask with an eyebrow wiggle.

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “No. If you put your face down there your dick will follow and I won’t be able to walk tomorrow and that’s not classy. I think that’s a good way to get crotch rot and nobody wants that business.”

  “Did you just say crotch rot?” My body begins to shake with amusement at the disgusting image.

  “Don’t tell me you have some weird fetish for creamy discharge.”

  “Stop!” I scream with laughter and force back a gag. She’s cracking me up and grossing me out. We both laugh until my face hurts and our breathing is labored.

  “We need to talk about something,” I say bringing the mood down.

  “Oh God!” She looks at me with wide eyes. “You do have a thing for crotch rot.”

  “You’re disgusting. No, I don’t have a thing for crotch rot. We need to talk about us and the op.”

  “Oh,” she says relieved. “Should we sit up and talk or do I need to be pinned down?”

  “Let’s sit up,” I suggest. I don’t want her to feel pressured by me looming over her.

  We both sit crossed legged and face each other. I take a deep breath and admire the perfection before me. Tussled honey-hued locks, bright sexy hazel eyes, high cheekbones, perfect fat lips, a long slender neck, a body that’s soft and firm in all the right places, tits made for my hands, hips and ass too and beyond anything a heart of gold. She’s everything I need. I want her like I want my next breath. I feel like a pussy and like I’ve become the best kind of man I can be at the same time.

  “I just want you to hear me out,” I lead.

  “Okay,” she says with a wary nod.

  “I don’t want you to take the birth control shot you had Jess bring you.”

  I leave that in the air for a moment as her brow furrows.

  “You’re gonna have to explain that sentence,” she says with a tinge of annoyance in her voice.

  “This is complicated and I don’t wanna fuck it up, but I probably will. Stick with me here.”

  She remains quiet so I launch in.

  “This was Shane’s suggestion, but I’ve thought it through all day and I’ve realized it’s what I want. His suggestion was that we get you pregnant for the op. That we use you bein’ pregnant to solicit domestic help, use that as our in. It’s a good plan, but I can’t ask you to do something that drastic just for an op. Shane then told me he wants you to have an out. He wants you to have a life beyond the DCA and havin’ a baby is the only thing that’ll make you leave. He loves you, Kat. He’s fucked up with you and he knows it. Your friend wants you to have a life you deserve.

  “But beyond that…this is what I want. I want you. I want a life with you. I want a family with you. I want to marry you. I love you, Kat.”

  Her face hasn’t changed the entire time I’ve talked and now I’m fucking nervous. I thought she’d be pissed or happy, but she’s blank. It’s like she’s looking through me. I want to urge her to say something, but I wait. I wait for that enormous amount of information to sink in.

  It’s been five minutes and we’re still sitting in silence. I’ve gone from nervous to concerned. I need to say something, do something. I have no clue.

  “Kat,” I whisper.

  “Don’t,” she breathes out.

  I freeze and shut my mouth. I’ll wait.

  After twenty minutes Kat climbs out of the bed and walks into the office, shutting and locking the door. This is not going well. Shit!

  Kat

  “Hollander,” Shane mumbles sleepily into the phone.

  “You selfish motherfucker!” I shriek. “Do you have any fuckin’ clue what I’ve done for you for the last five years that you’ve led the team?!”

  “Kat? What’s wrong?” he asks equally confused and concerned.

  “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?! You are what’s wrong!”

  “Kat, calm down. What happened?”

  “You told Nick to get me pregnant for the fucking op! You selfish son of a bitch! I’ve given you and this agency every piece of me. Everything!” I screech. “I’ve sacrificed my body, my mind, my soul, my dignity, everything that’s good in me.”

  “Kat, please just listen,” he implores me.

  “Fuck you, Shane. I cannot believe you. You’re supposed to be my friend. You’re supposed to love me! The one thing I had left in this life you just stole from me. You make me sick!”

  “Kat, please.” His voice shakes with emotion and regret.

  “No, Shane. You don’t get to ask anything from me ever again. I’ll finish this op because I’m too invested personally with Jake and the boys to cut loose. I don’t give a shit if that breaks protocol. I don’t ever wanna speak to you again. Did Jess know?”

  “Kat,” he pleads.

  “Did. Jess. Know?!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

  “No,” he whispers. I feel a slight relief at that but only just.

  “I’ll complete my briefs with her for the duration of the op. I’ll do my op debrief with Hal. Consider this my resignation. I’ll send you an official letter tomorrow. I hope your fucking job was worth this. You just tore my heart out and dragged it through the dirt. I’m horrified at you. Goodbye.”

  I hang up and hurl the burner phone into the wall, shattering it to pieces before releasing a feral scream and collapsing in a heap on the floor. Having this soundproof room is a saving grace in this moment as my cacophonous sobs echo through the space.

  The one thing I’ve wanted in life they just made dirty. Have a baby for the op? What kind of demented fucking shit is that? I feel sick to my stomach with rage and pain.

  Nick. Fucking Nick. He starts that shit off telling me what Shane wants and then tells me after spending the day thinking it over it’s what he wants too. What woman in the world wants that? I’m not the most romantic person, but that was agonizing. If he had just come to me and told me he loved me and wanted a life with me I would have melted. I don’t need much. I haven’t a
sked him for shit. I just want real and happy. I don’t want to be a vessel for an op. I don’t want to be a convenient option.

  I heard what Nick said. Those words were nice. They felt good until I remembered what precipitated them. It’s like Shane dared Nick to take the next step. I know I’m hurt and emotional right now and maybe I’ll see things clearer once the sorrow seeps away, but I’m fucking struggling right now. How could he do that to me if he loves me? If Jess told me to convince Nick to knock me up for the op, I would have told her to go fuck herself. I never would’ve asked Nick to sacrifice something so personal for an op. Never. Even if it’s what I wanted.

  If I wanted that with Nick I would have just told him, without anyone telling me to. I would have led with that before anyone had the chance to try to convince me. I’m sure Nick wants me. I saw the love in his face as he spoke. He believes the things he said, but he fucked it up. I’m too heartbroken to see anything else right now.

  I pull my gun out of the safe and attach the silencer. If I have to shoot him…I will and I don’t want to alarm the boys. I steady myself on my feet and brush away the last of my tears before opening the office. Nick is leaning against the wall across from me as I exit. His eyes widen when he sees the gun.

  “Kat,” he whispers in astonishment.

  “Don’t. If you come near me, I’ll put a bullet in you,” I seethe. “I can’t believe you just did that to me.”

  I move past him into the bedroom, then the bathroom and stop in the dressing room. I pull on the same clothes I wore today as Nick hovers at the door deciding what to do.

  “Please talk to me,” he pleads softly.

  “You and Shane broke my fucking heart,” I say as tears spill over my lids, hot angry pain-filled tears.

  “Kat, it came from a good place. I obviously didn’t do a good job of explaining it if you’re this upset.” He nods at the gun in my hand.

  “Did Shane say he wanted you to get me pregnant for this op?” I demand.

  “Yes, but—” I cut him off.

  “See that’s where you fucked up, Nick. There’s no but in that conversation. I have nothing left. I’ve given the agency everything. Every single piece of me has gone to the DCA. And you know what? I gave it willingly. I love what I do. But it has a fucking limit. My reproductive life is where my goddamn limit is. I would never use a baby for an op. If you knew anything about me you’d know I would fucking die before I’d do that.