Collection of Stories for Demented Children

by Carroll, John H.

  “No,” she answered with a shake of her bovine head. It did explain a lot. Witches tended to bargain for unholy favors. Runyx didn’t know the exact nature of the arrangement and really didn’t care. The important thing was that they had an impressionable child to corrupt.

  Opal looked at her. “Runyx. I love your name. You’re very beautiful for a cow.”

  “Thank you, Opal. That’s very nice of you to say.”

  “Being called pretty for a cow really isn’t that much of a compliment,” Abel said with a smirk.

  “Don’t make me slap you with my tail,” Runyx threatened with narrowed eyes. Abel cawed and flapped away to the nearest tree. It wasn’t an idle threat. Her tail was extremely dangerous.

  “I say, this looks like a good house to start at,” Stryk suggested, pointing toward a rundown shack. A dimly lit jack-o-lantern on the front porch was the only light. It was quite a distance from Opal’s house and the girl looked around in astonishment. Runyx didn’t bother telling her that she used magic to get them to a different neighborhood.

  “There’s no porch light on. In school, they told us to go only to houses with porch lights on,” Opal explained.

  “Well, if they said it in school, it must be true,” Abel said from the branch of a dead tree. “It’s not like schools are political propaganda tools for brainwashing children or anything.”

  “What did he just say?” Opal whispered to Stryk as they walked up the dirt path to the front door.

  “Don’t pay attention to him,” Stryk replied. “He tends to squawk a lot.”

  “I heard that, you rotten sack of hay.”

  “How nice,” Stryk replied with a grin. They reached the door and he leaned down to Opal. “Knock on the door and when the person inside answers, say ‘trick or treat’.”

  “But I don’t have a bag to put candy in.”

  “Ahh. I happen to have a pillowcase for the occasion.” Stryk pulled white cloth out from under his shirt. He brushed a few pieces of straw off it and handed it to Opal. It was just as big as her when she unfolded it. “It came off the biggest pillow I’ve ever seen. I went out specifically to get it tonight before coming here. Now knock on the door like a good little girl.”

  “Okay.” Opal knocked on the door. It didn’t take long for an ancient-looking woman to open the squeaky door and stare at the child with big buggy eyes. “Trick or treat,” Opal said timidly, taking a step back.

  The old woman turned her head to the side and looked at Opal with only one buggy eye. Then she put a candy bar in the pillowcase. Before Opal could say thank you, the old woman grabbed a handful of candy bars and put them in the pillowcase too. Then she turned her head to look at Opal with the other buggy eye before slowly closing the door with a long drawn out creak. It clicked shut and the sound of a latch came from the other side as it was locked.

  “That went extremely well,” Runyx said happily. “Let’s go find another house.”

  “I didn’t say thank you though,” Opal protested.

  “You don’t have to say thank you to anyone tonight,” Runyx told her. “Be a rebel. If they tell you to say thank you, stick your tongue out at them.”

  “I can’t do that,” Opal said in horror as they walked back down the dirt path.

  “Sure you can. They should be thankful for the opportunity to give such a wonderful young girl candy. Stick your tongue out at them if they give you any problems about it,” Runyx insisted. They turned down the sidewalk and headed to the next house.

  When the girl blinked, Runyx put them in front of a different house. It was brightly lit with orange and white lights. There were glowing pumpkins and ghost lights in the yard and cheerful looking spiders and vampire posters everywhere. “This is just disgusting,” Abel said in disgust, landing on a happy mummy poster staked in the yard. “Must everything be commercialized these days? I’m surprised the vampires don’t sparkle.”

  Opal looked around in amazement as Stryk walked her up the sidewalk. Runyx stayed behind to keep an eye on things. Some of the kids looked at her oddly, but they didn’t say anything. A couple of teenagers came by and smacked her rump. “Hey! It’s a cow in the street. Let’s tip it over.”

  Runyx’s favorite supernatural ability was the fact that her tail had bug zapper power in it, fifty times more powerful than the ones that people used to kill mosquitoes. She whapped both teens in rapid succession. The zapping sound her tail made was pleasing to her ears. Even more pleasing was the blue electricity that knocked them both on the ground where they lay twitching and glowing.

  A cheerful woman wearing a blue Frankenstein wig was handing out candy at the door. “Oh my, aren’t you just the most precious thing ever! Here have lots of candy.” She dumped the entire bowl of candy bars into Opal’s bag. “Bye, bye now, you precious little girl.” She smiled and waved enthusiastically as Opal and Stryk turned around and walked back to Runyx.

  “She gave me all those candy bars! I didn’t expect that,” Opal exclaimed in awe. “This is really fun.”

  Opal blinked again and they were in front of another house. “It looks like a lot of fun,” Runyx told her. “Now go get some more from this house.” They were standing in front of another well-lit house, though not with so many cheerful decorations in the yard.

  A minute later, the girl came back with even more candy bars dumped into her pillowcase. She held it out to show Runyx, who nodded and waited for her to blink again. When she did, they were in front of another house.

  ***

  Fifty houses and fifty minutes later they were standing in front of yet another house. “This is the last house we’ll be visiting,” Runyx told Opal.

  The girl was struggling to carry the overstuffed pillowcase by that point. “I’m so surprised that every house we visit has had candy bars! And they keep dumping all of them into my bag!” There was a big grin on her face and her lips were covered in chocolate from the eight candy bars she had already eaten. Instead of wearing down under the load, she was extremely hyper and jumping up and down at each new house they visited.

  “I’ll carry that for you,” Stryk said helpfully while taking the sack. He led her up to the porch, which was crowded with numerous artistically cut jack-o-lanterns.

  When a portly man opened the door with the largest basket of candy bars yet, Opal yelled enthusiastically, “Trick or Treat! Hee, hee, hee, hee.” Her eyes were wild and her hair was ragged by that point.

  “What a . . . pretty little girl,” the man said, taking a step back from the fanatical child. “Here, just take the whole basket.” He dumped it in the pillowcase Stryk and Opal were holding open, filling it to the top. As they turned to leave, the man asked, “Aren’t you supposed to be saying thank you, little girl?”

  Opal stopped in her tracks, slowly turned around and stuck her tongue out. “Ttthhhbbbbtttthhhttt.” She gave him the longest, noisiest, juiciest and chocolatiest raspberry anyone had ever seen. Then she turned around and skipped back down the walkway while Stryk carried the bag with a big grin on his face. Abel cawed with mad laughter from the white picket fence surrounding the yard.

  Runyx waited for Opal to blink her eyes again. When she did, they were suddenly back in her room. “How did we get here?” she asked, looking around as though she had never been in her own room.

  “Wherever shall you hide your candy?” Stryk asked, hefting the pillowcase.

  “Umm . . .” Opal stared blankly.

  “Put it under the bed,” Runyx told him. “Opal, your parents won’t look under your bed for the next month, but you have to eat all those candy bars before then.”

  Opal looked at her with wide eyes and nodded slowly.

  “If you don’t eat it all before then, they’ll find the bag and all the wrappers and you’ll be in big trouble. You don’t want that, do you?”

  She shook her head slowly back and forth.

  “Good. Now have fun eating all those candy bars and don’t tell your parents.”

  “I won’t,�
�� she promised quickly.

  “Good girl,” Runyx told her. “Have a good life and be sure to sneak out of your room next year and every other year after that to go trick or treating too.”

  “I will,” Opal agreed enthusiastically. “Goodbye and thank . . . I mean ttthhhbbbbtttt.” She stuck her tongue out and gave Runyx a raspberry. They all laughed. After Stryk and Abel exited the room, Runyx blinked past the wall. They headed away from the house in a different direction than they had come.

  “I say, that went extremely well,” Stryk said happily. “The evening was quite enjoyable.”

  “Most fun ever!” Abel agreed. “I stole all kinds of candy out of little children’s bags.” He laughed evilly.

  “It was one of the best Halloween nights I’ve had in a long time,” Runyx agreed. “Let’s go spread more evil now.”

  The scarecrow and the raven went with the unholy cow to make the world a more dangerous place to live in.

  The End

  ###

  Attack of the Sugar Plum Fairies

  This story is dedicated to my Dad. The memory of him reading “The Night Before Christmas” to us kids every year is one that I have always cherished deep within my heart.

  ***

  Light from tall streetlamps illuminated the snow that drifted lazily down to the cobblestones. “Wait here while I scout ahead,” Araedae the Sugar Plum Fairy whispered back to her two friends who had volunteered for the special mission with her.

  “Be careful. Some of the elves might still be in the warehouses or walking along the streets,” Sydae warned while holding tightly to one of Araedae’s arms. She fixed her grey-blue eyes on Araedae’s silver ones. “I would just die if anything happened to you.”

  “She’ll be fine,” Zannae reassured their friend. Her brilliant violet eyes sparkled in the light from the nearby streetlamp. Every Sugar Plum Fairy in the world had different color eyes with wings and hair to match. It wasn’t hard; there weren’t many of the rare type of fairy. “No elf would voluntarily be away from the sleigh loading ceremony.”

  “True, they wouldn’t want to miss the spiked eggnog,” Sydae said derisively, causing the others to giggle. She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. “Brr! It’s so cold up here. Why do we have to wear these ridiculous outfits at the North Pole?” Sydae stretched out a petite leg clad in candy-cane striped silk while scornfully gesturing up and down at a white tutu embroidered with poinsettias and candy canes. Silken gloves extending above her elbows matched the stockings, but provided no protection from the chill air. The whole effect was topped off with green lace and bows.

  “It really is inappropriate for the children who have visions of us dancing while they sleep,” Zannae agreed with an emphatic nod.

  “The children just have visions of sugar plums dancing, the sweet treats, not sugar plum fairies,” Araedae corrected.

  “Not the naughty children,” Zannae pointed out.

  “She has a point,” Sydae agreed with a grin.

  Araedae rolled her eyes. “I’m going to scout ahead now. I’ll let you know if it’s clear.”

  “Go on. Just be careful, the attack is about to begin,” Sydae said.

  Araedae gave them an encouraging smile and headed into the street, stepping lightly in her thin slippers. She stuck as closely to the building as possible without scraping her beautiful gossamer wings against the cold brick. The only sound heard over the gentle patter of snow was that of Christmas carol laced revelry from the sleigh warehouse in the distance. The scent of peppermint candy canes drifted under her nose. It was everywhere at the North Pole and Araedae was pretty sure the elves used it as cologne.

  Flying would have been preferable, but snow was unpleasant against her wings and it was harder to sneak while flitting through the air. To make matters worse, the elves had defenses against anything that could fly over the North Pole, even fairies.

  Calling it the North Pole wasn’t really accurate any more. Santa had moved the base of operations a century ago when explorers started making attempts to reach it. The industrial age brought new techniques in toy-making that required retooling the warehouses and extra space was needed to handle the population explosion throughout the world. The result was that the entire operation had been placed on a series of enormous ice floes a few degrees away from the pole. Christmas Eve was the only time the ice came together in order for the sleigh to be loaded.

  Everyone knew that Christmas Eve was the best time to attack. The elves would be busy getting everything together. Santa’s only job was to drive the sleigh and deliver the presents. Even the list checking had become automated with the use of a supercomputer. It was checked three times now, although that wasn’t broadcast so they wouldn’t have to change songs that mentioned ‘twice’ in the lyrics.

  Araedae made it to the next corner and waved for the other two to follow once she saw it was clear. The private residence of the Claus’s was just ahead. It was a large, three-story gingerbread mansion surrounded by snow-covered Christmas trees and candy canes.

  “Do you think we’ll be able to get past the security system?” Sydae asked as they came up behind Araedae.

  Zannae answered the question before Araedae could. “I already told you that I can break any code in the world. Why won’t you believe me?”

  Sydae sighed. “It’s just that the elves are notorious for combining magic and science. I’m worried that it won’t be as easy as you think.”

  “I’m more concerned about the reindeer guards. Those things are pretty vicious with their teeth,” Araedae said with worry thick in her voice. The other two nodded in agreement. “We have to try to get in so we can get to the master computer. I know Zannae can hack into it. She’s the best in the world.” Zannae beamed at the compliment.

  “I still don’t understand how a Sugar Plum Fairy got an advanced degree at MIT,” Sydae said with a shake of her head. “We’re supposed to be frolicking in nature while helping plum trees and sugar cane grow tall and healthy.”

  Zannae stuck her tongue out. “Humans are destroying nature. Someone has to figure out how to stop them so the rest of you can frolic.”

  “We are not getting into this argument again,” Araedae chastised. “It looks clear. Let’s get underneath one of the Christmas trees until the attack begins.”

  The other two stuck their tongues out at each other and then they all ran across the street as fast as their little stockinged legs would carry them. When they reached the tree, they dashed through a low spot in the circular drift surrounding it.

  “It’s so cold!” Sydae complained, vigorously rubbing her arms and stomping her pretty green slippers in the thin snow by the trunk. Her wings shivered along with the rest of her body.

  “Quit yelling. Just because I don’t see anyone doesn’t mean we can’t be heard,” Araedae told her irritably. “I don’t like it any more than you do. We’ll get inside just as soon as we can.” She rubbed her own arms, trying to bring some warmth to the numb skin.

  “Shh, someone’s coming,” Zannae warned them, pointing at the front door of the mansion. An elf and Mrs. Claus came out and moved down the steps, speaking in angry tones. The sugar plum fairies peeked out over the drift and listened in.

  ***

  “What’s wrong with Santa?” Jarlen the elf asked Mrs. Claus. He brushed falling snow off of his thick, green jacket and adjusted his felt hat. “He’s been sick all week and it’s Christmas Eve. He needs to get his butt in the sleigh and get those presents out to all the little brats around the world.”

  “Ever since elves unionized, you’ve become unbearable,” Mrs. Claus said irritably. She crossed her arms and glared at the pointy eared manager. Jarlen was responsible for communication between the elves and the Clauses. He was a demanding jerk and neither she nor her husband liked him. “You sit around all the time, the quality of your work is terrible, you import most the toys from overseas putting us so far in debt that China’s going to own the North Pole before you know
it, and you have more vacation days than you do work days. Everything is just terribly wrong and the spirit of Christmas is being lost.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Elves are evil, short and they have pointy ears. I get it already,” Jarlen said dismissively in a high-pitched voice. ”The toys are ready. It’s time for Santa to do his job.”

  “Santa hasn’t missed a Christmas yet and he’s not going to miss this one. Now get off my steps. I can take care of him.”

  “You’d better get him in that sleigh fast, or you’ll be delivering the toys this year!” Jarlen threatened. He turned and stomped down the walkway, stopping suddenly as the sound of an alarm pierced the air.

  A sugar cube shot out of nowhere and thumped him between the eyes; he fell over, unconscious, into the snow.

  Mrs. Claus looked up with wide eyes and saw sugar plum fairies flying low toward the sleigh hangar. There looked to be nearly a hundred of them, which was shocking because that was all there were in the entire world. One with bright yellow wings and eyes twirled and shot another sugar cube from her wand at the unconscious figure. It smacked him solidly on the side of the temple, ensuring that the curly toed elf wouldn’t be waking up anytime soon. “Ha ha!” she crowed in triumph before flitting off with the rest.

  The fairies were supposed to be helping tie string on the presents before going to dance in ballets and children’s dreams. The last part was something Mrs. Claus disapproved of. The outfits worn by the fairies were far too skimpy for children’s dreams.

  Elves rushed out from the sleigh warehouse to meet the unexpected threat. “Those poor fairies don’t stand a chance,” Mrs. Claus said to no one in particular. She noticed they were careful to stay below the rooftops so the air defenses couldn’t get them. To her surprise, six fairies carrying a long tube with wheels on it landed out in the open. One of them turned a crank while others poured sugar-coated plums into a funnel on top.