Carlton leaned back in the couch, running his hands over his pants, "The guy was full of meth when we took him in and the throttling that big Mexican gave him, well, I am sure he sees spacemen in his padded cell."
I tried to hold back, not show any reaction to the information Carlton was giving me. I set the sheet down on the table, there was obviously some connection between what Carlton was telling me and what Fields had told me at the zoo. The CIA and the New Church were on the right track, missing critical pieces to the puzzle, but they had a general idea. I would have to talk to Dr. Zehren and Ivan the moment Carlton left.
I smiled, making direct eye contact with Carlton, "It truly is science fiction, Agent Carlton. My work is nothing more than raising funds for a cancer research center and supporting the change I think my supporters would like to see in medical reform." I folded my hands in my lap, "I just happen to be very vocal about medical reform and utilizing the gifts scientific discovery can offer us in the future." I put on my charming Senator smile, the one I was getting tired of using all day, every day, "Super soldier is nothing but a plot line from that one movie starring the old marital arts superstar."
Carlton straightened up, laughing, "You are right there Senator." He shuffled a few more papers, "The other concern from the agency is your safety, Senator Avondale." Carlton now looked dead in my eyes, "We are concerned that you ignoring the offered protection of true Secret Service Agents could ultimately compromise your safety. Two attempted attacks in less than two weeks’ time? That sends up some red flags."
I draped an arm across the armrest of the chair I sat in, "I understand and appreciate your concern, Agent. I have it covered, I have hired a new assistant and bodyguard who has proven themselves to be very much up to the job at hand."
Carlton smirked, "You mean Witmer, right?" He shook his head lightly, "That girl couldn't protect herself in a locked armory against an army of blind mice." He started collecting the sheets of paper, "I highly suggest you find someone else, I know Witmer. She is a mistake, Senator Avondale."
"Excuse me, Agent Carlton, but I think you should watch what you say."
The hard, firm tone I emitted pulled down the corners of Carlton's smirk. He furrowed his brow, sucking in a breath that wheezed around tired lungs, "I apologize Senator, but I don't know how you did her background check before you hired her, but I am positive if you did a thorough one, you would know that she is responsible for the death of an Ambassador and his brother."
"I did a thorough background check, Agent Carlton, and only found Kit Witmer to be one of the most exemplary and dedicated agents the agency ever saw." I stood up slowly, trying to keep my rising anger in check, this man needed a handful of punches to the balls.
Carlton picked up on my defensive tone, stuffing the remaining papers in his briefcase and stood up, reaching behind to pick up his suit jacket, "Kit Witmer is nothing but a wannabe. She was from day one and was able to pull the wool over everyone's eyes." Carlton tugged his suit jacket on, grabbing the worn handle on the briefcase, "You know she was having an affair with the brother? Callum?" He nodded, "She was too caught up with keeping her legs in the air to notice that the bellhop of the hotel had watched their every move. She then failed to inspect the Ambassadors cars that day and missed the three four pound IED's poorly stuck on the undercarriage of the car. Positioned right over the weak points that would blow right through the thin armor of the car."
Carlton moved closer to me, "Did Witmer happen to mention it was the bullets from her service weapon that they dug out of Callum’s chest during his autopsy? That she shot and killed Callum two minutes before his brother bled out all over the Montreal streets?"
I had enough and stepped closer to the man, "I suggest you leave my house now before I call the Director and have you removed permanently for drinking on the job." I took an exaggerated sniff of the man, "The expensive cigarettes you smoke do very little to cover up the cheap gin you drank on the way to my house." I whispered it close to his ear and leaned back, meeting his sad cloudy stare now full of fear. "Leave my house now, Agent."
Carlton swallowed hard and stumbled back, saying nothing as he rushed out of the house.
When I heard the heavy slam of my front door, I let out a breath, and walked into the kitchen with his glass, dumping it in the dishwasher quickly so I could wash away the remaining traces of the filthy man. I glanced at the counter, finding a few of the take out pamphlets spread along on the marble next to the phone that was buzzing from a line being open and un-dialed for too long and Kit was nowhere to be found in the kitchen.
I whispered a curse word, she had heard everything Carlton spewed about her.
I ran to the front door, opening it to find her Lincoln still parked as she left it. I thought for a minute, running upstairs to look out on the patio to see if I could spot her down at the beach, as I ran past her bedroom I peeked into the half-open door.
Kit was sitting on the floor on the small patio her bedroom offered, her head cradled in her hands and the way her back shook, I knew she was crying, sobbing.
Shoving the door open, I walked slowly to her. "Kit."
Kit's head shot up, she shook her head no and through strangled sobs, "Leave me alone, Claire. Please." It wasn't a command or a demand, but a painful plea.
I ignored it, walking out onto the patio I sat down next to her, facing her. She was now wearing shorts and an old t-shirt. The clothes from the zoo were crumpled up in a ball near the bed, her face was tear streaked with the minimal makeup and her hair was hanging free from the ponytail.
"Kit, you know I don't listen to you." I reached for her hand that was clutching onto her knee white knuckled.
Kit flinched, moving away from me, "Don't."
I ignored her, grabbing her hand and pulling it from her knee. I could feel how tense and upset she was in the way her hand remained balled up even as I held it. "Carlton is gone. I asked him to leave." Kit choked out another sob and tried to pull her hand away from me, I held it tighter, "Stop it, Kit. I don't care what he said about you. He is a piece of shit like you said, trying to get a rise out of me."
Kit tried to once more to yank her hand away, "Leave me, Claire." her voice was raspy, but forceful, the plea now forming into a demand.
My leftover anger from Carlton spiked, I raised my voice, "No, Kit! I am done with you pushing me away every time something from your past falls between us. I don't give two shits about that asshole and what he thinks he knows about Montreal." My other hand lifted her chin up so I could look in her eyes, "Stop hiding and running from me, I am here and continue to be here, but you have to stop before my patience does run out." I took a deep breath through my nose, the sight of Kit broken and hurt like this was killing me, "There is nothing anyone can say that will change the way I feel about you Kit. I wasn't lying when I said I was falling for you, because I am. I am falling in love with you Kit and no bullshit lies or rumors will stop that."
Kit's eyes slammed shut as another sob ripped through her body, she moved away from my hand, tearing her hand free, "They aren't bullshit lies or rumors!" She stood up from the floor, "Carlton wasn't lying! I shot Callum twice in the chest and killed him!"
Kit disappeared into the house in a heave of sobs and cries, leaving me frozen in shock on the patio.
Chapter 14
Running.
It's really all I knew how to do right these last few years. I didn't even know where I thought I was going as I rushed down the hallway, still stumbling through tear laden sobs. Eyes blurry and sore, barely navigating me around corners and over the wooden floors exchanging to carpet, then to cold marble tile.
Catching an edge and almost tripping, I swiped the back of my hand across my eyes, doing the best to wipe away the tears, but only making it worse.
Fucking Carlton.
I heard everything he told Claire. Eavesdropping in the kitchen was a mistake, but I couldn't resist listening to Claire tear Carlton down in a few short words while she
stood up for me. Then he spilled the proverbial beans, more so threw them out across the room like a brick going through a plate-glass window, shattering on impact. He only knew the partial truth. The basics, the fun juicy basics of the file he was given right before he was pulled off my debriefing and I was assigned a new and neutral investigating agent. But those little bits of meat were enough for him.
I found myself standing outside, my shoes had appeared on my feet sometime between the moment I sprinted from Claire dazed on the floor and now.
Now, I was standing with the keys to the Lincoln squeezed tightly in the palm of my hand, even my gut instinct was to run without a second thought.
I kept the keys tightly mashed in my palm, only my thumb moving to press the unlock button. Instinct of the last couple of years was driving me, pushing me, telling me, run, run, and run towards a bottle to numb the pain and memories. She heard the rumor Carlton threw at her and I confirmed it. The way I was balled up on the floor and sobbing, there was no other way for me to try to hide the truth, cover it up with a gentle change of topic or an all-out pause in conversation like I had managed previously.
The look on her face told me the same thing everyone else did that day when I admitted and accepted responsibility for Callum's death. It was my gun, in my hand that left him with two perfect dead center holes in his chest. I didn't wait for him to hit the ground to check if my accuracy was fatal. I ran then, but for another reason than now. I ran to try and save his brother he betrayed just as quickly as he had me.
I reignited my steps, slower now that I was out of the house and able to breathe clean air without choking as much as I did through the house. My fingertips grazed the door handle, sliding them into the concave gap to let my empty palm find the leverage to open the door.
"Kit, don't. Don't run." Her voice carried over to me on the slight breeze of the early evening. She repeated herself in a low, firm tone, "Don't run from me." There was panic and fear mixed in the cadence of her attempt to use the Senator voice and still stay herself in this moment.
I laughed, the tears coming again at a rapid pace. I shook my head, refusing to look at her, mumbling, "It's all I know." I blinked the tears out, letting them find the same path the thousand others had. My eyes were barely able to focus on my hand, sliding deeper into the handle. I yanked the door open only to have a slim, strong hand slowly push it close and hold it close.
"Kit. Stop running." Claire's free hand fell onto mine on the door handle. The warmth I had grown addicted to, filled my body, it still wasn't enough to counterbalance the other force pushing me to run. "This is your chance to speak for yourself and not have an angry, bitter, fading agent speak half-truths for you."
I had to turn away from her, I couldn't even bear to look at her hands, instead I stared at the dust-covered black hood of the Lincoln. I was fighting through the memory of my gun going off and the blood staining his pale blue shirt, watching his eyes widen in shock as he stumbled back, his hands trying to stanch the bleeding wounds I gave him.
I swallowed hard, choking on the words I tried to say, "I killed him. There's nothing I can say or do..." I stopped, my chest tightening so much it felt like my ribs were crushing my lungs, leaving me only able to whisper, "Let me go Claire."
"No, you let go Kit." Claire squeezed my hand as if she was trying to squeeze some of her hope into me, hope that I could somehow spiral back out of this. I could see her out of my peripheral leaning closer to me, "Let go of this burden you carry. It's already consumed your life and I know you, Kit. I know that what you did that day. It wasn't an easy choice to make but you did it because you had to. Because it was the right thing to do." Claire paused as her voice shook, "I understand the choice you made better than you think, I understand the why, and I am here to listen to you, listen to your side. For once, Kit, let someone hear the truth. Your truth."
Something in the way she emphasized on her words through the increasing trembling voice, angered me. It came off like she was coddling me or trying to compare her two deaths to mine. I breathed out hard, the anger built quickly like a tea kettle on the stove. I hated when anyone tried to tell me they understood why I felt like this, when no one did, not even me.
I whipped my head around, "Callum wasn't two shitheads who fumbled like they did with you. He was cold, calculated, conniving, and charming." I stared hard into the blue green eyes that still made my breath catch even as I was pissed off beyond belief at her, "He used me, he used his brother." I was yelling at her, not realizing that I had increased my voice to that point.
I took a slow breath when I saw her eyes flinch painfully, "Do you understand what it's like when you realize in the matter of milliseconds that the one person you loved with all you had, was part of the evil you swore to protect the world from?" I dropped my voice one octave, I was still loud but wasn't yelling. I was struggling to control the outburst of anger I had let out. The way I felt when I looked into her eyes made me angrier, angrier because I couldn't get past him to get to her like my heart begged, but my mind corrupted with the memories of the last time I fell and not even as hard as I had fallen for the stern blonde going toe to toe with me now.
Claire's gaze was intense as she recovered quickly, she held my eyes without faltering as I continued.
"And every day you hold onto the evil, you hold onto him, and the sick twisted feeling that all of it was your fault. You brought the evil on someone’s doorstep regardless of all the oaths and promises taken to protect and serve. I let it in, I let it win. I failed, I failed everyone and everything I swore to not fail."
Claire's jaw twitched as I finished, turning away from her and back to the hood, she gently pulled on my hand to regain my attention, "Stop fighting it and fight for your freedom, Kit. It's the past." I glanced just as she looked away and off to the side, her voice dropping lower, full of emotion, "Fight for something, someone who loves you no matter what." Her hand gripped harder on mine, her thumb brushing the side of my wrist and pressing against my pulse, she could easily feel how erratic my heart started to move around in my chest when I heard that one word.
Love.
The word alone made my reflexes take charge again, pulling the car door open so hard, Claire had to take a step back. I gripped on the door frame, my hands turning white at the knuckles, trying to funnel out what I was feeling to regain control over something, anything I could in the moment.
I moved to step into the car when her voice stilled me. "Fine, leave. I won't stop you. You don't want to be stopped." She cleared her throat from the tears I knew were about to fall, "Note this though, my patience has met its end." There was a slight waver and a crack to the low tenor that was Claire speaking, no trace of the Senator voice. Just Claire giving up on me like I wanted her to since the second Carlton told her I killed the man I loved.
I will never find the answer for what I did next.
I fell into the driver's seat, slamming the heavy door closed with a thick whisper, I backed the car up. Only glancing to see Claire standing back and out of the way, her arms folding as she stared off to the path that would take one down to the ocean.
The heartbreak I found in her face couldn't overcome my anger, the fear, the habitual instinct to run over the last two years, shitty habits that became unconscious actions. One instinct that always told me, run, Kit, run. Run as fast as you can when that other four letter word came too dangerously close to being real.
I loved Claire, loved her more than I thought I could ever hope to love someone again or ever, for that fact. I wasn't strong enough to deserve her love. How could I be when I could barely find the strength to stay and tell her the truth?
But I let the memories take hold, and I let the hurt I carried from the past into the present, allowing it to slip through my fingers, in turn ending my future. I took the out Claire threw me when she told me her patience had run out.
I cried and sobbed, struggling to breathe as I drove towards the freeway. The justification for taking that
out like a greedy child at Halloween was that I loved her too much, I would hurt her. Even I knew deep down it was just me being chicken shit to tell the one person I finally felt whole with, why I was so shattered by one day. How I became so shattered by Callum. I ran away from Claire and away from the chance I wanted to give myself in loving her and maybe having her love me back.
Crying the entire ride home, flashes of the same sixty eight seconds of that day riding in my head. Sixty eight seconds was all that it took for my agent training to assess the situation Callum had placed me in and make the decision I did.
Sixty eight seconds that affected me for the last 760 days, 9 hours and 3 minutes.
___________________
The front door slammed hard, shaking the house from the kick I used to close it. I dialed Tito in the handful of steps to my bedroom, his usual cheesy, but cheery greeting failed to make even one muscle twitch towards a smile.
"Heyo Kit! I am glad you called, I am standing in front of a brand new 1984 matte black Monte Carlo SS with cherry red striping. How did your fancy Senator lady know this is my favorite car ever?"
I sighed, hands moving to open the closet doors, "Who knows Tito. Listen, can you do me a huge favor?" I only waited for Tito's first grunt of saying OK before continuing, "Can you take the Lincoln back to the Senator tonight for me?" I didn't wait for his answer, "That way you can thank her in person for the car."
Shaky fingers moved rapidly, tearing down piles of sweaters and shirts from the top shelf of my closet. "Mhm, the GPS will take you right there. I will also have a box of random shit for her in the trunk, make sure it gets in her hands and her hands only."
Redemptio Animae Page 28